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I didn't do this much for my own mother. Take to all MD appts, address medical issues with all docs, grocery shop, listen to her lies when I ask questions - tells me what she thinks I want to hear. Refuses to go to assisted living (she has no family) and get a life alert necklace. Lives alone in a 2 story townhouse - can barely walk. Uses walker and cane. Came home from her house in tears today. Looking for help....

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Sounds like your kindness has come back to bite you in the butt. You have been a good friend indeed, but now it's time to learn how to say "NO'" Your friend will never take the steps it takes to get the help she needs if you are the one who's always at her beck and call, and does whatever she asks. Time to put some strong boundaries in place. Even if you yourself have to lie to her as an excuse as to why you can't do something for her, that is ok. You are going to have to do whatever it takes to cut the caregiving cord with her, the sooner the better. And if all else fails, you can put a call in to APS, to report that she shouldn't be living by herself, and they will send someone to investigate. It's kind of sad that what started out as just looking out for your friend, has now turned into being used by her. Wishing you the best.
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Is the person you describe in your profile as a friend the same friend you describe in this post as elderly friend above? If so, you say that friend has dementia. People who have dementia have brain damage and they can’t be relied upon to reason, think logically or arrange for their own care. They likely don’t realize they have such needs. Or they are too confused to do it. If you can no longer help the friend and she has no family, I’d likely report the situation to her doctor so he can notify adult protective services to investigate and arrange for their office to get court permission to arrange for her care.
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A soft option: tell her you are planning to move yourself, at least for a year or two, and want to see her set herself up with more supports before you go in 6 months' time. Give her some options, and even help her to start on them – eg accompany her to a Senior Day Activity place, find websites for assisted living, get her used to local transport options. Keep stressing the move, the approaching deadline, and the fact that she is going to need to do this herself. It’s a kinder way to say no, I don’t want to give you all this help.
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You need to tell her you can't do it anymore. She needs to go to an AL. She is depending on u too much. Tell her u will help get her settled. If she doesn't go along with this tell her u will call APS.
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Ma’am! Start saying no, and then be unavailable. Give her some references to caregivers and AL facilities and then get out of this mess.
Call APS for their assistance/social worker. And no guilt!
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