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We went to the Dr. and she basically lied to him about stuff. Said she walks and sees 3-4 friends every day. Says she goes to her clubhouse for lunch & dinner with friends. I know for a fact she does not! She tells us and my brothers how lonely she is but tells the Dr. she is happy with her life and has a lot of contact with people. She is starting to have issues with the checkbook where she misplaced 2 checks and wrote that she had written one in the register when she did not write it. Lots and lots of other things, but not enough room for it all. She refuses to try anything new or different to help her. We don’t know if we should allow her to continue with the “fantasy” life or correct her.


Would like to hear any experiences you may have had handling this type of situation.

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If she has diagnosed dementia, her fantasy life may in fact BE her “truth” as she thinks it, and definitely won’t be subject to correction from you or anyone else.

She is probably frightened and not quite sure why.

She probably has not “……lied to (doctor) about stuff”. If the doctor was able to develop a diagnosis on what she said to him, he was interpreting what she said in the context of her age and what he knows about her.

She needs your help. Hopefully you can begin to develop a care plan for her to implement as her needs increase. It is difficult and painful to realize that your parent will be needing more support as her needs increase, but there is useful information here and also to be found in your community.
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Sorry you are coming face to face with dementia with your mom. You can't count on her to tell the "truth" about anything anymore. She probably doesn't even know what the truth is or that she isn't telling it. My mom just doesn't know the difference most of the time. She gives answers that sound right, but like you, I know better. I hope you told the doctor the real scoop. I used to make eye contact and gently shake or nod my head when she'd tell them crazy things. If you didn't do that, I would call or email her doctor to update them on the real deal.

I would take over her finances. You don't need to get her to believe that she really can't do it anymore but that you just want to help her. My mom would get really stressed about doing any of her financial stuff after dad dies so I just took it over, for both of our sakes. I hope you have POA.

Allow your mom to continue her fantasy. Doesn't hurt anything. But the medical professionals need to know the truth. Sometimes I teasingly ask my mom if she really did those things, but 99% of the time just nod, smile and say/think "whatever" . Cuz it just doe not really matter.

So expect her to say crazy things that don't match with reality. That's dementia or at least one facet of it. Expect the unexpected. I used to write things down when I was trying to get her diagnosed and get my POA activated so I would have examples of her biggest issues.

Does she still live by herself? If so, those days are likely numbered. They can lose the ability to stay safe. My mom would decide to out of the blue, heat up some soup on the stove after 5 years of not touching the stove. OK, we put child proof locks on the stove handles. Tried to defrost some frozen snacks in the toaster oven? Moved it to the barn.

It's a roller coaster. Sometimes, they still say things that are true and accurate. Other times it leads you to scratch your head thinking "whaaaat????". But just say something vague "oh really" or "interesting" type of thing. You'll never get her to believe that what she says is wrong so don't waste your time.

Best of luck.
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Are you her PoA? Is anyone? If so then this person needs to read the document to learn what is required to activate the authority. Most of the time it is 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of incapacity.

To get her back to the doc for a cognitive exam you will need to tell her a therapeutic fib (Medicare gives a free exam and it's required so that you can continue to get coverage) or whatever story you think will work. Go with her and have a pre-written not for the doc/staff telling them you are suspecting memory and cognitivee problems. Request to be in the exam room with her and sit behind her but so the doc can see you. When doc asks questions you can nod yes or no if her answers are inaccurate. Before you leave ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form and have your Mom write in your name. This will allow her medical team to share her protected info with you without her having to be present. Also, set up her online medical portal access and this way you can see her results and make appointments for her online.

If no one is her PoA... then things will be more challenging since she will still be in charge of her own decisions, dementia or not. Then you may have to pursue guardianship through the courts, or report her to APS and the county will pursue guardianship.
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