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It is now at the point where my mom needs to come live with us. She needs help managing medications, hygiene , nutrition, etc. We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern.


She is very, very negative. Pretty much doesn’t like anyone and her new target is my husband. She says he gives her dirty looks when no one is looking and is sarcastic, etc. She has never really cared for him, though she knows he is a wonderful husband and father. The Alzheimer’s has made her feelings worse. She has told off many people in her family already (we have just a handful of people now) and I’m afraid he is next. She and I had a big talk about it, but it’s still an issue. I don’t know if she forgot the conversation or is still just on a mission.


Her sister passed away from dementia a few years ago and almost ruined the marriage between her son and daughter in law. I don’t want that and I can’t handle the stress of constantly defending. My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind. When she is low, then it gets very very bad.


I feel sick. I almost wonder if I should just move in with her and care for her in her own home (which is a hoarder home). She always worries that she’s a burden, but the only time she is, is when she’s I cooperative and mean. Other than that, I will gladly help clean and feed her and spend time with her.


I dont want this to be a be a burden for my husband and kids....though they are very kind and would help.


She doesnt want to come here...1) it’s not her home 2) overwhelming to try to find things to pack (though I would help) 3) doesn’t like my husband and 4) can’t handle leaving the house and car rides.


On top of it..she lives with my sister who is quite ill and can no longer care for her. I never imagined this being such a mess.

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I would think about this... Is her home near you?? If she lived with you is it in her own space?? The emotional toll will be heavier on you no matter the decision.. Maybe plan ahead on what you will do to keep you emotionally healthy and in a positive space with your husband. Hugs to your husband for being willing to stand by you. Her staying in her own place would be better for her. I moved in with my folks, both in their mid 80's and it is draining. I don't feel like a daughter, but rather a short order cook, maid and chauffeur. I finally pushed my dad into going to counseling with me and it's been a little better with him. Best wishes whatever you decide. We are here for you.
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Sarahk, I feel for your quandary and deeply admire your loving devotion to your mom. Please do not consider leaving your husband & family to care for her. Your first responsibility is to your immediate family, no matter what. And before you think about taking her into your home, please read the many posts about caregiver burnout. No one can ever image what they are signing up for. If her negativity is bad now, it will only get worse. It's not fair to your family to put them through it.

From what you describe she doesn't sound likely to go along with anything you plan. I'm not sure how you'd get her into a facility. You can get social services involved so that you're not the "bad guy". Also, it is very easy to go broke providing care for LOs. Please don't do that either. Medicaid will provide everything she needs. Wishing you peace in your heart whatever the outcome.
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I say this kindly... why are you doing this?

She has Alz and is mean and uncooperative and negative. She is not going to be any better than she is at this moment, and will get worse.

She will not remember your talks.

You have a husband and kids. As someone who has had parental units with Alz in my home, with my kids, I would not EVER do it again. And these were people I loved deeply, who loved my kids deeply. Who were positive and helpful and kind and happy. Alz changed them into people that I had to protect my kids from.

You feel sick. That is your body telling you this is not a good idea.

There are ways to get placement even if she doesn’t have the resources. It isn’t easy and you will struggle through it, but in the end, you will have a life and memories with your family and your health.

If you move her in or you, what... leave your family? to move in with her, you all lose those things.

And she is no better off because the problem is the disease, not her living situation. You cannot take away the Alz. I know you wish you could. I know it feels like if you can just take care of her, it will be better for her. But it won’t. And you are taking a great risk of hurting your family deeply in the process.

Helping her means making sure she has proper care in a place that can handle her needs. Loving her means visiting, bringing flowers and laughing with her or hugging her when she is sad. It is hard not to confuse the two when a desperate situation is calling for a solution.

But don’t back yourself into a corner you cannot get out of. I know it seems hard now, but you cannot imagine how hard it is to move someone once you have moved them in. I can hear the worry in your post, and I am very sorry you are in this situation.

From my heart to yours, the best thing to do is keep a clear head. Try this... solve the problem as if you were helping a friend decide. Or as if you lived on the moon and could not possibly be in a direct care role.

There is hope in this. But, you will have to let go of guilt and fear of her anger and worry of what “others” may think. (Hint: “others” are usually one or two very vocal people who are a pain in the butt, but no help. Or there are no “others”. We just think someone may think ill of us.) This is not easy, but you can do it.

If she has Alz, I promise you... someone, somewhere is going to think ill of how you handle things, no matter what you do. You need to thicken your skin and soldier on doing what is right... but not just for your mom. Right for your mom means safe and cared for.

But, your first obligation is to your husband and your kids. You are THEIR mom. You need to be with them and raise them and love them. If your attention is given to doing the work of a one-woman nursing facility, those are the things that get dropped. This kind of care requires that the important gets dropped for the urgent every time.

Again, I say this with kindness and empathy. I just am further down the stretch of road you are just beginning to travel down and hope my experience can help you see the forest rather than get mired down in the trees.
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Takincare Aug 2019
Well stated. She will miss many milestones in her children's lives by taking care of her mom. Her marriage will also suffer greatly. Best choice for mom is memory care where she will get 24x7 care, be safe and taken care of. One big thing many people don't understand is that being around the negativity or the person negativity is directed towards does wear you down and make you miserable too.
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I think the previous posters have spelled out very clearly why you should not consider having your mom in your home.
However, your last comment about your sister being very ill must be addressed. Just because she can’t come to your house, doesn’t mesn your mom can stay with your sister it sounds like your sister needs help.
What can you do to help her? Have you looked for alternative housing?
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Oh my goodness...thank you, everyone. You have no idea how much your responses help. This is especially unique because my sister is ill as well.

heres the thing about moving my mom into a facility. ...she’s not quite there yet. I don’t think? I mean, she knows exactly who we are and where she is. She never knows the date, but understands this time in her life. She can’t manage money, medicine or hygiene...or nutrition. She does imagine things (such as my husband being mean to her when no one is looking, or the neighbors spying on them in the backyard)...besides that..she is very aware. There’s no way we could put her in a home while she realizes what’s going on.

At what point do people usually have loved ones go Into full tome care?
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AlvaDeer Aug 2019
My brother is in assisted living and he is quite well mentally. Often much more acute than I am. He has other problems. Along with a probably early Lewy's Dementia he has balance issues due to a benign long standing brain tumor that presses on the balance centers in the brain. So a wobbly gait. He has two lovely rooms, goes on the bus tours, has his special things around him. A friend there is much as well as he is but alone and has frequent seizure activity so cannot live alone. The only time for Assisted Living is not when you don't know where you are. There are multiple people in your home and in your life who will be severely affected by your Mother's attitude. And I am not saying she could be responsible for that, because she is not in control of herself. But you are in control. I think it wrong to make the rest of the world pay for what is a normal aging issue. This can happen to us. It is sad, but it is true. And the best way, to my mind, to handle it is with the LEAST impact on others. I cannot know how, why your sister is ill, but the care of your Mom may have contributed to the progression of her illness. Please don't YOU now sacrifice others on this altar. There will be no thanks for it. Only you can make this decision. It is such a difficult one. I am so sorry. But others in your family do not deserve this.
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"She can’t manage money, medicine or hygiene...or nutrition. She does imagine things (such as my husband being mean to her when no one is looking, or the neighbors spying on them in the backyard)...besides that..she is very aware. There’s no way we could put her in a home while she realizes what’s going on."

Your mother is one person. There is also your sister (who absolutely needs to be relieved of caregiving), you, your husband and your children. The "wants" of one person should not outweigh the wellbeing of multiple other persons.

Is there really no way you could put her in a facility? What does she expect to happen? Does she realize your sister's health issues?
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
I totally understand and agree with what you’re saying. She does realize my sister is sick and worries constantly. ...and then when she’s difficult no one matters but her.

I just dont know.
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What about the hoarding? Maybe you need to get her out of the house she lives in.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Yes. That’s going to have to happen for her well-being. She’s used to going back and forth between her house and mine, so she may have to come here for a bit while I figure this out.
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You need for your mother NOT to come to live with you, both for yourself, your own immediate family, and for her. Yes, for her.

You have established the fact that she is not currently happy. “Hoarders” are not happy people. Hoarders with dementia are less happy.

She will not be “happy” at home, nor will she be happy in yours.
Said in the most most gentle way possible, her dementia will not get better, and WILL get worse, and that will exacerbate all of the other symptoms she is exhibiting. Her behavior towards your husband will escalate, and/or she will involve one or more of your children in her paranoid outbursts, and/or she will attempt to disengage you from interactions with him in order to have you more involved in hers........

I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.

Find the nicest residence available for her within a 10-15 minute drive of your home, and place her, but BEFORE YOU DO, read what you’ve written here, and answer this question- how many “concerns” do you REALLY have??
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
“I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.”

This is reassuring. Thank you!!
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You feel sick now and you're only thinking about doing this!

"...We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern. She is very, very negative." In my opinion it is difficult if not impossible to maintain healthy relationships once you are living together with someone who is so negative. Trust me when I say my FIL may give your mother a run for her money in the negativity department and I feel sick whenever I have to spend more than a couple of hours with him. I leave feeling depressed and run over by a dump truck's worth of negativity.

Moving her into your home is not the answer and neither is leaving your husband and children to move in with her. Get her important papers in order (living will, will, durable power of attorney), sit down with her finances, figure out what she can afford, enlist a social worker, make a plan to tour senior care communities, pick one, and execute her moving into it. You cannot do this yourself and it's unfair to everyone else to be thrust into caregiving.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Who could hook us up with a social worker? Are there ones who specialize in working with the elderly?
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I can’t get past the part where you say that she almost destroyed your brother’s marriage yet you have no problem taking her in. Does she mean more to you than your husband and marriage?
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lealonnie1 Aug 2019
Eexcellent point.
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You have to understand something about dementia and Alzheimer's.....nothing you say will make a difference. Once they get an idea stuck in is their heads, you can't get rid of it with an AXE. If mother dislikes hubby, she's going to hate him and continue harping on it until you lose your mind or your marriage, whichever comes first. Hoarding is an anxiety disorder. Combine an anxiety disorder with dementia and then sprinkle in a heap of negativity and by God, you've got MY MOTHER. Who lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living, by the way, and whom I visit once a week. Last week's visit was SO awful I had to get OUT of there asap. But I got OUT. Where are YOU going to go when mother goes on a tirade, and she WILL be going on tirades, trust me. Do not take her into your home. Frankly, I can't understand how you'd even be considering such a thing! Gives me the willies. If you feel you MUST do this, then do a trial run for a week. Just to get a small taste of what your new life is going to look and feel like.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living community here in town, not where my mother lives. This places charges $8300 A month and is at full capacity. For good reason. Taking a loved one with dementia into your home is not manageable for 95% of us.
Best of luck
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Takincare Aug 2019
Don't forget hiding things, accidents(like a baby, you'll be changing sheets) lack of or fighting about basic hygiene and clean clothes. Meanness will go thru the roof. They do not, will not, CAN NOT filter what they say and do, their brain is broken. Children and husband will also become resentful and stressed. Tell yourself what you THINK may happen with your marriage but it will NEVER be the same. I live it each day caring not for my mother, but MIL. You become their personal servant, ordered and bossed around. There will not be any help caring for her personal needs, it's all you. You will have the life sucked out of you doing it 24x7. The family suffers, no privacy, no family time, missing out of children's life and accomplishments. Husband goes to the wayside, he may or may not be there when LO journey has ended. She is never going to improve, only worsen. Letting others assist her is the best choice for all. Just wish I would've listened to my own advice. Hindsight is 20x20
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Hello Sarah K60. I would do like You suggested and opt for Caring for Your Mom in Her own Home, away from Your Husband and Kids. This is where Your Mother is happiest and why bring Her into Your Home where She might be nasty to Your Husband, or even the Children. Alzheimers is a cruel and horrible disease of the Brain hence please learn about the condition before You take It on as You will need to know what You are letting Yourself in for. Good Luck Sarah. I Cared for my own Mother Who had this same disease for the last three years of He Life, RIP. Do NOT try to do it all on Your own, get plenty Help organised so You can have time out for Yourself too, other wise You risk getting burn out.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. I’m sorry about your mom.
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You say “We will gladly take her in’. Then you say “My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind.” Your husband may be trying to do the right thing, but I think you are kidding yourself about the ‘gladly’, at least on his part. It’s not good now, and it’s going to get worse.

It sounds as though you haven’t seen a good quality Assisted Living facility. You say “she is not quite there yet”. Are you thinking that being ‘there’ means sitting immobile in an old fashioned nursing home, without recognising anyone? We have had carers here who are quite jealous of AL conditions – nice food, lots of activities, a range of people to talk to, organised excursions etc etc.

Before you and your husband commit yourselves, have a look at ALs close to you. Pick the best two, and take your mother to visit. You may find that you can give her a choice that is better than living with you and your husband, for her as well as for you.

With luck, your sister’s health will also improve without the strains of living with her.
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Zdarov Aug 2019
I second this. Go visit the elder-oriented facilities around you and dispel the ‘one of those places’ picture in your mind.
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My mom has been in my home since 2005. Trust me, your life will never, ever be the same again.

Everyone else said all of the important stuff! Best wishes to you whatever you decide.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too.
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Please, please treat your husband right! Don't bring in your abusive mother (yes, it is abuse, even if she is suffering from dementia and not morally responsible).  It will go downhill in any case - so why not work toward placement?
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
My husband is the best. I feel truly awful that he married into this situation. Definitely considering placement...just don’t know if it can be just yet
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Sarahk60......you have received some very wise words from ones who have walked this path. Please, please listen to them. I hope you can help your mom and care for her, not in your home or hers, but in a facility that can provide the 24/7 care she needs....love and blessings to you....,,
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. This is awful
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Look.

Your mother will get worse, not better. If you are already finding her behaviours difficult to soak up, how in the name of heaven are you going to feel when she is in your and your husband's faces twenty four hours a day and you're both short of sleep and sick to the back teeth of cleaning up after her?

Do not move her in, and do not move in with her. You are married, and apparently to a very nice man who is prepared to do his level best to support you, so not one you want to lose *or* *hurt*.

It is not your fault that your mother needs the level of care that she does, and it is not your responsibility to supply that care in person.

There is also your sister to consider, and given your mother's state of health and the complication of her own caregiving role you are going to need professional advice to work out a care plan that looks after both of them. Have you consulted anyone about doing this? - social workers, elder care planners, your mother's and/or sister's health care team?
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Haven’t consulted anyone. We will be seeing someone in geriatrics soon. We’ll start there .

The hard thing is, she’s in fairly decent health physically...she just can’t seem to manage medicine, nutrition and hygiene...and when the meds and nutrition is out of whack, then she feels awful physically and becomes very depressed. Just don’t know if it’s at the AL level yet.
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When you say she has all these issues wrong with her but then say she's not ready for a "home"...you are dead wrong. First of all, no she's not reading for a nursing home also known as long term care. But she is ready for assisted living. They will manage her medication and other things you list. They are not horrible places. Then when it’s needed she can transition to memory care so choose a place that offers both.
Everyone here has given you the best advice and if you don’t heed it, you will regret it. They don’t get better, they get worse. Those rose colored glasses need to come off. Think with your head and not your heart. Even with her in a facility it won’t be a cake walk. I hope you choose what’s best for her and best for your husband and marriage. And by the way, she won’t like whatever you choose so get used to that. It’s a sad sad disease.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. This is a nightmare of a situation.
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It Will affect you and your family without any doubt. It's completely different caring for somebody and then going home than it is living with them 24/7. My mum moved in with me almost 3 years ago and it's been awful. The first year was the worst as she was constantly negative and depressing and wanted to be a victim. She is better now as I had to have strong words with her but it has affected my physical and mental health and I have needed counselling. I can't wait to be free and be myself again. Think very carefully before you decide to move her in!!!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m grateful for this site and being able to work through this and hear everyone else’s experiences.
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Great answers here: your family must come first. I would add only the following question: is your sister’s illness due perhaps in some part to the burden she’s been carrying?? We owe parents some care&considerstion, not our lives. We show our thanx for what they’ve given us by bestowing it upon our own children!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Some definitely is. Some, not at all. Have no idea how this will play out.
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Do not move her in and by no means should you move into her hoarder home.  Your sister is probably ill from dealing with her.  Start her in assisted living and if that is not enough care, transition her to a long term care facility near your home.  They have 24 hr staff, they have the right equipment to easily handle your mom and they have other folks there in her same situation that she can befriend.  If you move her into your home, she will not be happy, you will not be happy and your family will not be happy.  Sounds like she needs some serious care...give it to her.  Tell her you want to be her daughter and will gladly "manage" her care.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
She isn’t social. Never has been. Can’t imagine her living in AL. I’m going to have to research this and see where it goes. Thanks
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James is complete right!! Don't do it. My mother lives with me and it has been rough. And my mom doesn't sound as bad as yours. But for 20 months now our entire lives have been in an upheaval. My husband has had to go on meds just to maintain some type of temperment with her and I pray every day that today will be the last. She didn't plan at all for old age, dementia is setting in but not yet bad enough to get medicare funding for a nursing home. It is brutal. Put her directly into a care unit and visit when you can. Please listen to the advise given here. I thought it would be ok to have her with us. I was WRONG!!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
I’m sorry. Praying for strength for you!

I dont think my mom qualifies for any official care. Guess I need to look into it
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I think most of us in here have catholic guilt when it comes to taking care of parents. But as everyone is saying dont allow your mother to live with you. It is hard but you will visit and do the best you can.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Horrific guilt. She cared for me. How can I not do the same for her?
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DO....NOT...DO...IT! Your marriage will falter, your stress level will make you sick and your mom will not realize nor care if she is wrecking havoc in your home. Get some home health care NOW! You can go check on her - even daily. I have been dealing with my mom who is 92 but is not near as bad but can have her moments to talk "chit" and really piss everyone OFF! I'm finding out quickly that no one really wants to deal with her. I have a brother that passed suddenly and it's now down to me and my other brother who is a major hot head with no patience and ultra anger issues. I do not want to even deal with him. His answer when I asked for some assistance with driving her (he lives 15 minutes away) was - she needs to go to a nursing home. Nope she can still walk, drive, bath, cook - she just is getting weaker and needs some one to drive her around some! Anyway I've suffered quite a few health issues from stress and am now getting a break as I finally stood my ground and told everyone I can not do this, and work full-time, and take care of a home on my own. I get no break, never get to take a vacation and I deserve to have a life. So now my mom is visiting a friend of hers for quite some time but I'm still not sure how this is going to play out. Look at other options or you will literally hate your life. Good luck!
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Teri4077 Aug 2019
Yes, if I relied on my brother, NOTHING would be done for Mom. He is clueless about what he would do -- I've asked him. My sister has specifically indicated on numerous times that she would just drop Mom at the curb of a nursing home (probably one that I would find unacceptable).
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Don’t do it. I agree with the suggestions for independent or assisted living that has a memory care unit.
Skilled care is actually beneficial in keeping dementia patients healthier for longer . So no one will benefit from you caring for her, not you, not her and not your family.
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You are getting excellent advice. It takes courage to take on the responsibility of caregiving and managing care is caregiving. That's why so many of us are urging you to take a step back and breathe before making any moves/decisions.

Look at communities from the perspective of what your mother needs and can afford. You may need to expand your search radius to find the right place for your mother. My sister-in-law placed her dad into AL that was a 3-hour drive away. My SIL lives in San Fran and places for her dad were unaffordable. She visits her dad once a month. She drives up on a Friday, visits with him on Saturday, and drives home Saturday night after dinner. She calls him regularly and emails with the director to keep herself in the loop. She brings a plate of cookies for the staff when she visits and brings her dad his favorite candy. This arrangement works well and it's manageable.
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Not such a good idea to take in a very negative parent. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Senior Center. Have her evaluated for long term care first. As for Assisted Living, this can be expensive. Not paid, by her Medicare. Same applies to nursing home care(private or Medicaid) Medicare only pays for short term rehab. It surprises me that so many people seem to think you can "just put" troublesome elder in Assisted Living. While there are some programs to help pay for AL, most is totally self-pay. We are talking from $3000- over $10,000/monthly. Most people do not have that kind of money. Some use profits from sale of house to afford, but when that money runs out, will have to seek other housing. As long as elder doesn't outlive their money, you're all set!
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Takincare Aug 2019
Depending on what state you live in Medicaid will pay for assisted living once look back and spend down has been satisfied. Especially since she needs many life skill assistance, it's not a want but a need. AL facility will be able to help with application and answer questions before admitting LO to the facility.
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Although my mother and I never got along, in her eighties I took her in and became her caregiver for three years. It was a difficult situation because she had a narcissistic personality. She passed away at age 87 and if I had it to do over again, I would have never moved her into my home. My four siblings rarely visited and I ended up stuck as I was single at the time. She should have gone straight to a nursing home.
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It is a well known fact that most Americans have *not* saved enough for retirement and nearly half of Americans are *one* paycheck away from poverty because they are liquid asset poor. There is a failure of imagination in this country when it comes to solving real problems, and the ALs and ILs are profiting off of it.

Years ago, I read about a group of real life "Golden Girls" and have, at times, suggested it on this forum but have never gotten any feedback about it. Many seniors own huge houses, are empty nesters, can share expenses, and be around other seniors. How is that not a win-win?
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annemculver Aug 2019
Silvernest.com is great - that’s how I found my housemate. I’ve recommended it in a few other answers to these queries!
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Put her in a facility to start with.  Bringing her into your home where you already can see red flags popping up will result in problems, so don't even start there.  If you have the ability to put yourself at her house and can stand it, then you can begin to slowly get rid of stuff while you are there.  If you can't do this, or it doesn't work in that direction, then put her in a facility and get someone to help you empty the house out.  Sell the house to maintain the facility payments and get ready for the long haul.  I faced 2300 sq. ft. of hoarder house, took  9 months of working every weekend to empty it out, 2 years to sell it, had to go from working full time to part time to no time, still have two storage units in play and refused a  third and fourth storage unit so sold the furniture and appliances and put the rest in my house ( which is now a hoarder house), got animal control to step in and have the 18 cats that were feral spayed and neutered, stopped the complaints by the neighbors, but I don't have any family to bother since they hands down told me she was my mother and they would NOT help, so it is just me...and has been for 3 1/2 years.  My mom has been in multiple facilities since I got her because I can't handle her on my own.  Get ready!  It will be an experience for you based on what you have already indicated.  Certainly this woman masquerading as my mother is NOT the mother I knew growing up.
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Harpcat Aug 2019
Save yourself that money you’re paying to store stuff you don’t want. I called Salvation Army. They met me at my dad’s storage unit and hauled it all off. Done! I couldn’t care less about making him money off of it. By the time I added up storage costs, it was more than the junk was worth. Storage units profit off of hoarders and procrastinating!
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