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It is now at the point where my mom needs to come live with us. She needs help managing medications, hygiene , nutrition, etc. We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern.


She is very, very negative. Pretty much doesn’t like anyone and her new target is my husband. She says he gives her dirty looks when no one is looking and is sarcastic, etc. She has never really cared for him, though she knows he is a wonderful husband and father. The Alzheimer’s has made her feelings worse. She has told off many people in her family already (we have just a handful of people now) and I’m afraid he is next. She and I had a big talk about it, but it’s still an issue. I don’t know if she forgot the conversation or is still just on a mission.


Her sister passed away from dementia a few years ago and almost ruined the marriage between her son and daughter in law. I don’t want that and I can’t handle the stress of constantly defending. My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind. When she is low, then it gets very very bad.


I feel sick. I almost wonder if I should just move in with her and care for her in her own home (which is a hoarder home). She always worries that she’s a burden, but the only time she is, is when she’s I cooperative and mean. Other than that, I will gladly help clean and feed her and spend time with her.


I dont want this to be a be a burden for my husband and kids....though they are very kind and would help.


She doesnt want to come here...1) it’s not her home 2) overwhelming to try to find things to pack (though I would help) 3) doesn’t like my husband and 4) can’t handle leaving the house and car rides.


On top of it..she lives with my sister who is quite ill and can no longer care for her. I never imagined this being such a mess.

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Sarah, it's so much better for a person with dementia to move to Memory Care or AL while they still have the cognitive skills to adjust.

Moving them when they are completely gone is cruel.
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Sarahk.. Your Mom needs to be in a Memory Care facility..This situation at home will ruin your marriage, compromise the health of you, your husband AND your children.. Mom will not get better from this disease..

My Mom is in Memory Care, she has adjusted, though it takes time..I could not give her the 24/7 nursing care she needed..

Pls seek MC asap..Sending prayers to a fellow caregiver & Sandwich generation Mom🙏🏻❤️
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Sarah here is a quote of what you replied to someone .."Horrific guilt. She cared for me. How can I not do the same for her?" Guilt means you’ve done something wrong which you haven’t. I think you really mean you feel obligation not guilt. Yes she took care of you as a parent is obligated to do when they choose to have a child. That’s part of being a parent. You can still "take care" of her even if she is living in AL....and yes contrary to what you posted to another, she does indeed qualify. Just because a parent doesn’t live in your home doesn’t mean you aren’t involved in there care. You are choosing a negative mother over your own husband. Think carefully about this. Get some objective guidance if you still feel the need to do this. Find out why her needs are above those of your spouse and your marriage.
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Sarah, I know you want what is best for everyone. This is a very hard, heartbreaking situation you find yourself in. It's mom. It's also you and your family. I can tell you from experience that the good days are awsome, the bad days ....beyond description. My MIL has been at my home almost 2 years now. The hoarding will continue, or she will continue to try. I don't know if it's the era that they were brought up in, depression and rationing during the wars, that makes them think get it while you can, and if it's on sale get even more. 🤷‍♀️ I know that you're in a hard place trying to make the best decision that you can for mom. It's like tug of war and you're the rope. With everything you have said in your posts so far it seems that the best and safest option for everyone concerned would be an assisted living where meds, meals, hygiene and social interactions with other people her age may be in her best interest. I know that you said she's not a very social person but is that because of lack of opportunity and resources in her area? Go on a field trip and check out some of the residences in your area, make lists of pros and cons, bring the family along and get their input too, they will also feel involved in whats going on.Some will allow her to bring items that have sentimental value to her. Husband and I are retired, hence how MIL came to be here with us. Is this how I wanted to spend it? No. I have missed a great deal of time with my grandchildren and my parents because of caring for her. She has begun the journey of vascular dementia, lost her stops on what she says and does. I wish I could get it thru his head about finding a good MC/AL facility for her. His mental block is he promised his dad on his deathbed to always take care of her. We're married (37 years) so I guess he thinks that promise extends to me. She's 92 with heart issues, thought we were going to lose her but by regulating meds, diet, etc, she's stable at this point. She's also a time bomb waiting to go off, her heart is giving out. What you are proposing to do is great in theory but hard demanding work both physically and mentally. Once I was the one who was always positive, after living with all of the negativity between her and DH, I feel sucked dry. This does change a person and not necessarily for the better. I will find myself again, it's just one becomes so busy helping, cleaning, cooking, dr appointments, hospice visits, her hygiene, dressing, and other personal assistance she needs, laundry, the list goes on and grows daily. Had to put her meds on top shelf so she wouldn't take the wrong pills. Have dealt with temper tantrums, pouting, crocodile tears when she doesn't get her way. Sorry, not getting Chinese take out no matter what her daughter says. Low sodium 1400 mg diet. Figured out stir fry for under 500 instead of over 1000. No you can not have a Turkey tv dinner but I will gladly make a turkey breast, mashed potatoes, low sodium gravy, and a veggie for you. Yes you can have mcnuggets and fries, they will make them without sodium for you. Yes you can have pizza because I adjusted other meals to accommodate it. It's much more than I think you realize. As far as the I don't want to be a burden myth, she will enjoy ordering you around, "if it's not too much trouble, I want xyz." You will not have one place in your house that is just for you to destress. Forget long showers or soaking in a tub, those days will be long gone. Many answers given here is because we did chose to take care of them, not knowing what we were getting into. Its a long lonely path for you the caregiver, friends will stop asking you out because you will not be able to, they will stop coming over because you are too busy or too tired to actually be a good friend back or mom will be rude to them too.We don't say to find her a new home to be mean, we say it from a place of knowledge of what's to come and wth the hope of sparing you and your family from all of the fallout.
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 2019
Very wise words here......you know what youre talkin about!!
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Sometimes your mother won't come to live with you. This happened to me. My mother refused to leave her home so that left no other option but to leave my family and move in with her 500 miles and 7 states away. My family and I made it work because we had to. Was it easy? No, of course not. Most family members and friends wondered how I could do this. I had no choice. Good luck and many prayers sent to you.
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Thank you, again, everyone. This is heart-wrenching. I have to say that she is better tempered when her medicines and nutrition is managed. She’s stayed here before for a couple of weeks at a time and it’s been fine. Mostly.

Maybe im still not understanding the stages of Alzheimer’s. She knows who we are. Other behaviors are odd, but she’s still quite aware. I just can’t imagine leaving her in a home while she still knows what’s going on. That would be like leaving one of my children. Ugh.

Im open to Al or whatever...just not yet.
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EllieP Aug 2019
My mother still knows who I am as well. It’s the behaviors that are dangerous that they do, My mother did really bizarre things that I could not monitor 24/7. No one person can. It boils down to safety. I could not watch her 24/7. She is safer with a memory guard bracelet in the memory care unit than she was here.
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Please don't do this to yourself or your family. It is not worth your marriage or the damage to your kids. Your mom had her own life and you have yours.

Yes, she raised you and deserves your honor and support, but I'm guessing she also raised you to have discernment and to know your limits. Your gut is already telling you that this is a bad idea, not just for your family, but for your own health--you're already feeling sick!

Find her a place that meets her needs--she won't be happy there, but it sounds like she won't be happy anywhere. There is no need for your entire family to share in her confusion and misery, because that is what will happen to your family--everyone will be miserable and your kids will flounder in confusion. I've been one of those kids. It will permanently affect them at a time when they are building their own lives--I'm sure your mom would object to the situation if it was someone else taking over their lives.

You have some grave misgivings--do the right thing for your family, no matter how hard it is. You are already honoring your mother even by considering doing this. Judging from your deep love for her, I'm guessing that she would want you to be there for her grandchildren.
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Put her in a facility to start with.  Bringing her into your home where you already can see red flags popping up will result in problems, so don't even start there.  If you have the ability to put yourself at her house and can stand it, then you can begin to slowly get rid of stuff while you are there.  If you can't do this, or it doesn't work in that direction, then put her in a facility and get someone to help you empty the house out.  Sell the house to maintain the facility payments and get ready for the long haul.  I faced 2300 sq. ft. of hoarder house, took  9 months of working every weekend to empty it out, 2 years to sell it, had to go from working full time to part time to no time, still have two storage units in play and refused a  third and fourth storage unit so sold the furniture and appliances and put the rest in my house ( which is now a hoarder house), got animal control to step in and have the 18 cats that were feral spayed and neutered, stopped the complaints by the neighbors, but I don't have any family to bother since they hands down told me she was my mother and they would NOT help, so it is just me...and has been for 3 1/2 years.  My mom has been in multiple facilities since I got her because I can't handle her on my own.  Get ready!  It will be an experience for you based on what you have already indicated.  Certainly this woman masquerading as my mother is NOT the mother I knew growing up.
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Harpcat Aug 2019
Save yourself that money you’re paying to store stuff you don’t want. I called Salvation Army. They met me at my dad’s storage unit and hauled it all off. Done! I couldn’t care less about making him money off of it. By the time I added up storage costs, it was more than the junk was worth. Storage units profit off of hoarders and procrastinating!
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It is a well known fact that most Americans have *not* saved enough for retirement and nearly half of Americans are *one* paycheck away from poverty because they are liquid asset poor. There is a failure of imagination in this country when it comes to solving real problems, and the ALs and ILs are profiting off of it.

Years ago, I read about a group of real life "Golden Girls" and have, at times, suggested it on this forum but have never gotten any feedback about it. Many seniors own huge houses, are empty nesters, can share expenses, and be around other seniors. How is that not a win-win?
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annemculver Aug 2019
Silvernest.com is great - that’s how I found my housemate. I’ve recommended it in a few other answers to these queries!
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Although my mother and I never got along, in her eighties I took her in and became her caregiver for three years. It was a difficult situation because she had a narcissistic personality. She passed away at age 87 and if I had it to do over again, I would have never moved her into my home. My four siblings rarely visited and I ended up stuck as I was single at the time. She should have gone straight to a nursing home.
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Not such a good idea to take in a very negative parent. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Senior Center. Have her evaluated for long term care first. As for Assisted Living, this can be expensive. Not paid, by her Medicare. Same applies to nursing home care(private or Medicaid) Medicare only pays for short term rehab. It surprises me that so many people seem to think you can "just put" troublesome elder in Assisted Living. While there are some programs to help pay for AL, most is totally self-pay. We are talking from $3000- over $10,000/monthly. Most people do not have that kind of money. Some use profits from sale of house to afford, but when that money runs out, will have to seek other housing. As long as elder doesn't outlive their money, you're all set!
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Takincare Aug 2019
Depending on what state you live in Medicaid will pay for assisted living once look back and spend down has been satisfied. Especially since she needs many life skill assistance, it's not a want but a need. AL facility will be able to help with application and answer questions before admitting LO to the facility.
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You are getting excellent advice. It takes courage to take on the responsibility of caregiving and managing care is caregiving. That's why so many of us are urging you to take a step back and breathe before making any moves/decisions.

Look at communities from the perspective of what your mother needs and can afford. You may need to expand your search radius to find the right place for your mother. My sister-in-law placed her dad into AL that was a 3-hour drive away. My SIL lives in San Fran and places for her dad were unaffordable. She visits her dad once a month. She drives up on a Friday, visits with him on Saturday, and drives home Saturday night after dinner. She calls him regularly and emails with the director to keep herself in the loop. She brings a plate of cookies for the staff when she visits and brings her dad his favorite candy. This arrangement works well and it's manageable.
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Don’t do it. I agree with the suggestions for independent or assisted living that has a memory care unit.
Skilled care is actually beneficial in keeping dementia patients healthier for longer . So no one will benefit from you caring for her, not you, not her and not your family.
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DO....NOT...DO...IT! Your marriage will falter, your stress level will make you sick and your mom will not realize nor care if she is wrecking havoc in your home. Get some home health care NOW! You can go check on her - even daily. I have been dealing with my mom who is 92 but is not near as bad but can have her moments to talk "chit" and really piss everyone OFF! I'm finding out quickly that no one really wants to deal with her. I have a brother that passed suddenly and it's now down to me and my other brother who is a major hot head with no patience and ultra anger issues. I do not want to even deal with him. His answer when I asked for some assistance with driving her (he lives 15 minutes away) was - she needs to go to a nursing home. Nope she can still walk, drive, bath, cook - she just is getting weaker and needs some one to drive her around some! Anyway I've suffered quite a few health issues from stress and am now getting a break as I finally stood my ground and told everyone I can not do this, and work full-time, and take care of a home on my own. I get no break, never get to take a vacation and I deserve to have a life. So now my mom is visiting a friend of hers for quite some time but I'm still not sure how this is going to play out. Look at other options or you will literally hate your life. Good luck!
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Teri4077 Aug 2019
Yes, if I relied on my brother, NOTHING would be done for Mom. He is clueless about what he would do -- I've asked him. My sister has specifically indicated on numerous times that she would just drop Mom at the curb of a nursing home (probably one that I would find unacceptable).
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I think most of us in here have catholic guilt when it comes to taking care of parents. But as everyone is saying dont allow your mother to live with you. It is hard but you will visit and do the best you can.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Horrific guilt. She cared for me. How can I not do the same for her?
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James is complete right!! Don't do it. My mother lives with me and it has been rough. And my mom doesn't sound as bad as yours. But for 20 months now our entire lives have been in an upheaval. My husband has had to go on meds just to maintain some type of temperment with her and I pray every day that today will be the last. She didn't plan at all for old age, dementia is setting in but not yet bad enough to get medicare funding for a nursing home. It is brutal. Put her directly into a care unit and visit when you can. Please listen to the advise given here. I thought it would be ok to have her with us. I was WRONG!!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
I’m sorry. Praying for strength for you!

I dont think my mom qualifies for any official care. Guess I need to look into it
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Do not move her in and by no means should you move into her hoarder home.  Your sister is probably ill from dealing with her.  Start her in assisted living and if that is not enough care, transition her to a long term care facility near your home.  They have 24 hr staff, they have the right equipment to easily handle your mom and they have other folks there in her same situation that she can befriend.  If you move her into your home, she will not be happy, you will not be happy and your family will not be happy.  Sounds like she needs some serious care...give it to her.  Tell her you want to be her daughter and will gladly "manage" her care.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
She isn’t social. Never has been. Can’t imagine her living in AL. I’m going to have to research this and see where it goes. Thanks
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Great answers here: your family must come first. I would add only the following question: is your sister’s illness due perhaps in some part to the burden she’s been carrying?? We owe parents some care&considerstion, not our lives. We show our thanx for what they’ve given us by bestowing it upon our own children!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Some definitely is. Some, not at all. Have no idea how this will play out.
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It Will affect you and your family without any doubt. It's completely different caring for somebody and then going home than it is living with them 24/7. My mum moved in with me almost 3 years ago and it's been awful. The first year was the worst as she was constantly negative and depressing and wanted to be a victim. She is better now as I had to have strong words with her but it has affected my physical and mental health and I have needed counselling. I can't wait to be free and be myself again. Think very carefully before you decide to move her in!!!
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m grateful for this site and being able to work through this and hear everyone else’s experiences.
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When you say she has all these issues wrong with her but then say she's not ready for a "home"...you are dead wrong. First of all, no she's not reading for a nursing home also known as long term care. But she is ready for assisted living. They will manage her medication and other things you list. They are not horrible places. Then when it’s needed she can transition to memory care so choose a place that offers both.
Everyone here has given you the best advice and if you don’t heed it, you will regret it. They don’t get better, they get worse. Those rose colored glasses need to come off. Think with your head and not your heart. Even with her in a facility it won’t be a cake walk. I hope you choose what’s best for her and best for your husband and marriage. And by the way, she won’t like whatever you choose so get used to that. It’s a sad sad disease.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. This is a nightmare of a situation.
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Look.

Your mother will get worse, not better. If you are already finding her behaviours difficult to soak up, how in the name of heaven are you going to feel when she is in your and your husband's faces twenty four hours a day and you're both short of sleep and sick to the back teeth of cleaning up after her?

Do not move her in, and do not move in with her. You are married, and apparently to a very nice man who is prepared to do his level best to support you, so not one you want to lose *or* *hurt*.

It is not your fault that your mother needs the level of care that she does, and it is not your responsibility to supply that care in person.

There is also your sister to consider, and given your mother's state of health and the complication of her own caregiving role you are going to need professional advice to work out a care plan that looks after both of them. Have you consulted anyone about doing this? - social workers, elder care planners, your mother's and/or sister's health care team?
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Haven’t consulted anyone. We will be seeing someone in geriatrics soon. We’ll start there .

The hard thing is, she’s in fairly decent health physically...she just can’t seem to manage medicine, nutrition and hygiene...and when the meds and nutrition is out of whack, then she feels awful physically and becomes very depressed. Just don’t know if it’s at the AL level yet.
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Sarahk60......you have received some very wise words from ones who have walked this path. Please, please listen to them. I hope you can help your mom and care for her, not in your home or hers, but in a facility that can provide the 24/7 care she needs....love and blessings to you....,,
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. This is awful
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Please, please treat your husband right! Don't bring in your abusive mother (yes, it is abuse, even if she is suffering from dementia and not morally responsible).  It will go downhill in any case - so why not work toward placement?
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
My husband is the best. I feel truly awful that he married into this situation. Definitely considering placement...just don’t know if it can be just yet
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My mom has been in my home since 2005. Trust me, your life will never, ever be the same again.

Everyone else said all of the important stuff! Best wishes to you whatever you decide.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too.
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You say “We will gladly take her in’. Then you say “My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind.” Your husband may be trying to do the right thing, but I think you are kidding yourself about the ‘gladly’, at least on his part. It’s not good now, and it’s going to get worse.

It sounds as though you haven’t seen a good quality Assisted Living facility. You say “she is not quite there yet”. Are you thinking that being ‘there’ means sitting immobile in an old fashioned nursing home, without recognising anyone? We have had carers here who are quite jealous of AL conditions – nice food, lots of activities, a range of people to talk to, organised excursions etc etc.

Before you and your husband commit yourselves, have a look at ALs close to you. Pick the best two, and take your mother to visit. You may find that you can give her a choice that is better than living with you and your husband, for her as well as for you.

With luck, your sister’s health will also improve without the strains of living with her.
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Zdarov Aug 2019
I second this. Go visit the elder-oriented facilities around you and dispel the ‘one of those places’ picture in your mind.
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Hello Sarah K60. I would do like You suggested and opt for Caring for Your Mom in Her own Home, away from Your Husband and Kids. This is where Your Mother is happiest and why bring Her into Your Home where She might be nasty to Your Husband, or even the Children. Alzheimers is a cruel and horrible disease of the Brain hence please learn about the condition before You take It on as You will need to know what You are letting Yourself in for. Good Luck Sarah. I Cared for my own Mother Who had this same disease for the last three years of He Life, RIP. Do NOT try to do it all on Your own, get plenty Help organised so You can have time out for Yourself too, other wise You risk getting burn out.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Thank you. I’m sorry about your mom.
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You have to understand something about dementia and Alzheimer's.....nothing you say will make a difference. Once they get an idea stuck in is their heads, you can't get rid of it with an AXE. If mother dislikes hubby, she's going to hate him and continue harping on it until you lose your mind or your marriage, whichever comes first. Hoarding is an anxiety disorder. Combine an anxiety disorder with dementia and then sprinkle in a heap of negativity and by God, you've got MY MOTHER. Who lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living, by the way, and whom I visit once a week. Last week's visit was SO awful I had to get OUT of there asap. But I got OUT. Where are YOU going to go when mother goes on a tirade, and she WILL be going on tirades, trust me. Do not take her into your home. Frankly, I can't understand how you'd even be considering such a thing! Gives me the willies. If you feel you MUST do this, then do a trial run for a week. Just to get a small taste of what your new life is going to look and feel like.
I work as a receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living community here in town, not where my mother lives. This places charges $8300 A month and is at full capacity. For good reason. Taking a loved one with dementia into your home is not manageable for 95% of us.
Best of luck
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Takincare Aug 2019
Don't forget hiding things, accidents(like a baby, you'll be changing sheets) lack of or fighting about basic hygiene and clean clothes. Meanness will go thru the roof. They do not, will not, CAN NOT filter what they say and do, their brain is broken. Children and husband will also become resentful and stressed. Tell yourself what you THINK may happen with your marriage but it will NEVER be the same. I live it each day caring not for my mother, but MIL. You become their personal servant, ordered and bossed around. There will not be any help caring for her personal needs, it's all you. You will have the life sucked out of you doing it 24x7. The family suffers, no privacy, no family time, missing out of children's life and accomplishments. Husband goes to the wayside, he may or may not be there when LO journey has ended. She is never going to improve, only worsen. Letting others assist her is the best choice for all. Just wish I would've listened to my own advice. Hindsight is 20x20
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I can’t get past the part where you say that she almost destroyed your brother’s marriage yet you have no problem taking her in. Does she mean more to you than your husband and marriage?
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lealonnie1 Aug 2019
Eexcellent point.
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You feel sick now and you're only thinking about doing this!

"...We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern. She is very, very negative." In my opinion it is difficult if not impossible to maintain healthy relationships once you are living together with someone who is so negative. Trust me when I say my FIL may give your mother a run for her money in the negativity department and I feel sick whenever I have to spend more than a couple of hours with him. I leave feeling depressed and run over by a dump truck's worth of negativity.

Moving her into your home is not the answer and neither is leaving your husband and children to move in with her. Get her important papers in order (living will, will, durable power of attorney), sit down with her finances, figure out what she can afford, enlist a social worker, make a plan to tour senior care communities, pick one, and execute her moving into it. You cannot do this yourself and it's unfair to everyone else to be thrust into caregiving.
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
Who could hook us up with a social worker? Are there ones who specialize in working with the elderly?
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You need for your mother NOT to come to live with you, both for yourself, your own immediate family, and for her. Yes, for her.

You have established the fact that she is not currently happy. “Hoarders” are not happy people. Hoarders with dementia are less happy.

She will not be “happy” at home, nor will she be happy in yours.
Said in the most most gentle way possible, her dementia will not get better, and WILL get worse, and that will exacerbate all of the other symptoms she is exhibiting. Her behavior towards your husband will escalate, and/or she will involve one or more of your children in her paranoid outbursts, and/or she will attempt to disengage you from interactions with him in order to have you more involved in hers........

I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.

Find the nicest residence available for her within a 10-15 minute drive of your home, and place her, but BEFORE YOU DO, read what you’ve written here, and answer this question- how many “concerns” do you REALLY have??
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Sarahk60 Aug 2019
“I thought I was hastening my mother’s demise when I tricked her into a nursing home at the age of 89. She lived there AND TRULY LIVED, for 5 1/2 of the happiest of any of her life following my father’s death.”

This is reassuring. Thank you!!
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