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Yesterday she complained that her iron is gone (she hasn't had it in 2 years), and all her pots & pans are missing (I have them, but she hasn't had them for 2 yrs.) I understand about "therapeutic fibbing" which I've tried and am not very good at doing it because it goes against my reasoning. It doesn't matter, she just repeats it. She wants to complain to management...again. I really don't know what to say to her or how to accept her accusations against staff. She is in a wonderful place with very sincere staff, and it disturbs me very much that she would accuse them of stealing from her. She has no stove or cooking abilities so of course she wouldn't have pots and pans, but there is no logic in her mind. Should I just tell her I have these missing things? I need help knowing how to deal with fabricated stories.

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Your mom obviously has some dementia going on, since she owns none of the items she's accusing the staff of stealing! The staff at the care facility is very familiar with this type of thing, trust me. The great majority of residents wind up accusing honest staff members of stealing SOMETHING at some point or another! My mother was on a rant for DAYS about her silver necklace being stolen by the staff at the ALF where she lives. I tried talking her off the ledge, which, by the way, NEVER works, and still she ranted on and on. While ranting to some other residents, they too chimed in that YES, they had things stolen as well!! So one of the old ladies went to the exec director to complain. The ED, having been-there-done-that, told her there was nothing he could do about the situation personally, but that she should call the Sheriff if she felt so inclined. Which she did. The Sheriff wound up knocking on MY mother's door, saying she understood mother had a necklace stolen. Mom was flabbergasted and told them no, that was NOT true, and closed the door! That situation led to her calling me another 20 times to rant and rave about can-you-imagine-the nerve. Mother, if you make accusations, then plan to put your money where your mouth is! Two days later I showed up at her apartment, took out her jewelry box, and guess what? The stolen silver necklace was right there where she left it. The ED and I had a chuckle over the whole incident.

Moral of the story? Let it all go in one ear & out the other. Allow the staff at the facility to handle your mother, that's what they're paid to do. And, as far as 'therapeutic fibbing' goes, at some point you'll need to do it, period. As the dementia progresses, it's a lot kinder to agree with whatever they're saying, or to lie to diffuse the situation, than to allow them to go on with their delusion of the moment. Dementia has nothing whatsoever to do with 'logic'.

Best of luck!
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Zdarov Dec 2018
Wow, what a story. Illuminating. :)
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I have been told, although I don't have the research to prove it, that as we age we have less control over certain brain functions and there is nothing we can do about it.
Supposedly that is why seniors often blurt out comments and often seem hurtful and nasty.  Maybe it is dementia, but maybe also less executive control in our brain.
It seems to me that being paranoid could be a natural consequence of fear and uncertainty.
I hope that as I age and begin to lose it little by little people will understand that I have no intentions of being horrible and mean.
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cwillie Dec 2018
This is never normal aging, loss of executive function is one of the earliest signs of some types of dementia.
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Live247, the best advice I had received regarding such situations was to view it with a sense of humor. It may not be funny in the moment, but when you re-live it months later, it can be pretty darn comical.

Try to teach yourself to use those "therapeutic fibs" as that can make the story teller feel better, thus you feel better. Such as someone stealing your Mom's pots and pans.... I would have said, wish someone would steal my pots and pans so I wouldn't need to cook dinner tonight :P

And when you think about it, life in a nursing home can be boring for some residents, so story telling gets attention, thus one gets into a routine of trying to out beat someone else's story. Keeps the gossip mill busy.
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You could make a list with her of everything she has currently with her to reassure her and protect staff but other than that lie! Tell her its in storage or you have it safe. Good luck.
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"No, no, no, remember, you sent me home with box loads of stuff. Those pots were in there I know because they rattled all the way home." The staff is very used to being accused of stealing. Don't let it go beyond you, as mom's brain is broken and does not process correctly anymore.
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Great question. My mom has had things ‘stolen’ for years now, and it’s always the people who came to repair the AC or whatever. Thus we have to use a new company almost every time a new repair is needed. I like the answers here so far, but am left wondering about the stress part - Mom seems increasingly scared each time she’s ‘stolen from.’ It’d be better to keep that stress at bay by relieving them of the delusion of thievery. Mine’s a natural victim though, maybe that’s just her/our lot.
hils, I think I’m going to leverage your inventory idea somehow, thanks.
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My dad lives at home and accuses us everyday of stealing from him.

Don't leave too much of value at the home and get used to it
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Dear Live247,

As you know by now it is very common for those with dimentia to become paranoid, to think people are stealing from them.

Have you tried to re-direct your mother when she gets on a rant about items being stolen? With my m-i-l's dementia and no short term memory that usually works well. She often asks us to help her find her car or find a better place to park it and we will remind her that it was sold two years ago then quickly change the subject.
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why not give her back her pots & pans? if she has no way to use them, what harm can you do by bringing them to her?

the iron is another problem though as it could be dangerous. however, you could cut the cord and bring her a cordless iron. since mom won't be using the iron anyway, cutting off the cord won't hurt her.
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FIRST THEY ARE NOT FABRICATED STORIES & stop thinking they are because she truly believes them - her mind process is: she remembers something & can't see/find it ~ SHE would never lose it ~ she lives where there is others ~ the others must have taken/stolen it

Therapeutic fibs are best kept as close to the truth as possible whenever you can - tell your mom that she asked you to hold on to them for her until she has space or that she gave them to you

I told my mom that they were stored at my house for her & when I told her how I built a box spring for a bed in the basement [I couldn't get one down the stair & turn the corner at bottom] - I gave her a blow by blow description of building it with my husband - then I explained how I upholstered it to match the curtains - she actually got quite into it & remembered it for quite some time

Thereafter I would tell her I was storing 'it' for her & often would bring the storage box up so she was happy - there is a good amount of storage but not as much as would hold all she couldn't find but she was happy knowing that items precious to her were respected by the family & that they were safe & sound

Treating her items with respect ~ is being respectful to her in her mind - try writing her a flowery thank you note & rough it up a bit to make it look old & sneak it into her drawer so when she says something about things being stolen you can say you have them & you were so pleased to have them that you wrote out a thank you note - OR even now just send her the note now if you are more comfortable with this then you can show it to her when things come up - it can't hurt
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Live247
I understand. My Father has been accusing first carers at home and now care home staff of stealing.
It has taken me a long time to accept this. I don't react at all now .I would possibly say the pots were handed in to be used to make her meals then change subject. Very hard to deal with. The staff are very used to this and will be trained how to deal with it. The staff where my Dad is are always willing to discuss any concerns and work out how to deal with issues and support me.
Maybe that would help. They will reassure you too.
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Humor her...meet her right where she is at...tell her you'll be right back that you're going to file a report with management. Walk away, come back 10 minutes later. Tell her, the manager was very busy so she/he asked you to come back. Tell her you will def. handle it. Not to worry. Stay you visit and then just leave. If it happens again.. repeat the pattern but change the story a little. You don't want to bore her...lol. When I had an aunt in a nursing facility, she kept saying she wanted to go back to Puerto Rico. I told her I would buy the tickets. The next time I told her the airports were closed because a threat of a snow storm. The next time I told her I bought them but left them home. The next time I made reservations on line, but didn't confirm them, then I printed the tickets. I told her the demand was sooo high that I had to get them for two months from that date. After awhile, she didn't ask anymore. After she dies, we took her ashes to Puerto Rico and spread them in her favorite place.
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Welcome to the world of Alzheimer’s. However, please note that they still tell the truth sometimes.
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It is not about lying. It is about soothing them to calm them down. Dementia pts worry and are anxious. Your moral code hasnt gone in the toilet if you tell her you have the pots or they are getting washed. It is not about YOU. It is about them. They worry and are anxious because a part of them knows something is wrong. There mind isnt working right. It is also part of the disease. If it were you, would you want someone to tell you the truth so you get more upset? No you would want someone to sooth your worried mind and redirect to make your visit more enjoyable.
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Dear 247,
Welcome to dealing with the aged, no matter what their problem. When my 95 year old mother started complaining about people stealing her things and/or eating her goodies, I would ask her how she knows this. She would answer that, well they were there and now they're gone. I would ask....did you see who took it? No, she would say, but I know they did. How do you know, I would ask. And, again, because it was there etc. I would tell her that I can't do anything about it for her, like inform the facility, until she actually SEES who is doing it and, especially, if she could get a name. It still goes on in my mother's world, but I still have the same pat answer. Mom has been in AL and now is in memory care....and they still steal. Go figure. She is suspicious of everyone and everything. Don't know if it's because of their age that they do this, or, as in my mother's case, it's something like the apple and the tree. She did it and so suspects that everyone else does it. That goes for lying too. It does seem to subside somewhat as time goes on, but don't count on it. Good luck.
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I tell my mom I have all of her stuff safe at my house for when she needs it and if she needs it soon, I’ll try and remember to bring ——-next time I visit. Sometimes I need to repeat this, but it seems to help alleviate her paranoia. In her Alzheimer’s world of thinking, people keep stealing all of her things. Any attempt to reason or contradict her beliefs only causes more distress, so I go with “ the fact” that her items are indeed missing from her room and use my mantra from above for whatever the item of the day that went missing might be.
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When mom first entered the NH after her massive stroke, she kept accusing staff of everything from taking things to hitting her. She could not speak, but she could holler at them and she continued until recently when it seems like she's begin to accept her condition. She's making friends now as well.
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