There are 4 people at her table. The first lady, who was her buddy and neighbor, helped show mom the ropes when she first moved in. Now this lady is in rehab or SNF in same facility but she doesn't come to the dining room anymore. She has a lovely, calm personality and is greatly missed.
2nd lady very quiet but doesn't do anything annoying.
3rd is a lady across the hall and her and mom really get along nicely.
I have already asked for one lady to be removed from mom's table a couple months ago. She was very difficult and mom started wanting to avoid going to meals which is NOT OK. She deserves to go to meals and needs the exercise to get there and the socialization it provides. This lady is paranoid and at almost every meal was claiming that another lady in the room was watching her and hates her and wants to kill her. So, she's at a new table. And she repeats herself about so many things and was just a handful. Woohoo! Now that's she's not sitting at mom's table, she can tolerate her much better around the facility and even visits with her sometimes.
Her replacement has disgusting table manners and is constantly picking at her teeth during meals. So now mom is again upset and talking about not going to meals. I asked if she went to bingo today (and she almost always goes!), she said no because she was trying to avoid this lady. UGH. It's high school all over again! I suggested she go to bingo but try to go in a little later and sit somewhere where this lady is not in her line of sight.
I think I'll let the head nurse know about this issue and see what she suggests. She probably does not know and I figure if it's at least on her radar, then she can keep an eye on it and possible resolve it. I know it's a little petty but mom has moderate dementia and has a hard time dealing with things like this. I would not be able to sit with someone like that either. Yuck.
(1) asking for what you want for your mom's dining companions
and
(2) accepting that people are in constant change and changing brain chemistry so asking for these changing likely cannot happen 'all the time' as people's brains are changing all the time.
STILL. You are likely paying good money for AL.
You/r mother deserves some peace while dining in the common area.
As I always say DOCUMENT everything. Keep a journal and have your requests / journal entries date and time recorded.
If I were you, I would notify:
1) the administrator of the facility
2) the dining room manager (if they have one)
Good for you doing all this advocacy for your mom.
Gena / Touch Matters
Mom will never have it all her way. Just won't happen in this type of facility.
Edited to add: I just read that the lady your mom likes is due to come back soon. It would be fantastic if your mom and the nice lady could be accommodated at a table for two.
We started a "Travel Fund" some time ago; looks like we'd better add more to it as best we can.
Most of the AL by me don’t allow toasters in the kitchenette just a microwave. You better ask before you pick one out if that’s high on your priority list , like it was for my FIL . It boils down to my FIL is paying $3000 more a month to have a toaster in his room . Granted he’s getting what amounts to a one bedroom apartment for that and not a studio . Where he is used to be IL , but now the building is AL.
Hmmm, Switzerland seems like a nice place to visit. . . Pricey, though.
But I agree with not being able to eat if someone has gross habits at the table . That’s when I would ask for a table change . I did that for my Mom . I went to witness this person eating before I complained . I couldn’t blame her , it was really bad , and turned me off . I felt bad the man couldn’t help it but……
The ladies would complain to me incessantly about each other and expect me to settle every little petty, nonsense squabble they'd have.
I pretty much ignored them, but there was a couple times I had to have a group of ladies into my office for a talking to because they were shunning a resident like they were Amish and would not let her sit with them for meals or anything else.
If your mother is struggling with the people at her table, then by all means she should be moved. If someone is gross and disgusting at the table, no one has to put up with that.
AL is expensive and it is the staff's job to accommodate the residents the best they can.
Changing someone's seating is a reasonable request.
The AL I worked at did not have assigned seating in the beginning. Meal times was like trying to herd cats. The women (never the old guys) would complain about where they wanted to sit and the food was hotter if they were closer to the kitchen. It was insanity.
Talk to the director. They will be able to work out a seating arrangement that will work for your mother.
I was thinking about how it would work if there was NOT assigned seating. Herding cats is a perfect description to what I was imagining. I imagine it like high school - if you get there late, you don't know where to sit as most tables already have people at them, etc. I don't think I'd like that very much. But I guess I wouldn't like being assigned to a table with people I didn't like either. Here's hoping that we all stay healthy and live to a ripe old age where we're with it mentally and physically and then just peacefully die in our own beds one night before dementia and physical decline ruin our lives.
The one AL I looked at for Mom, residents could take meals back to their rooms.
When I worked at the AL, I ate lunch in my office.
All that to say, there will ALWAYS be someone to irritate your mother in AL. It's The Law. Let her work it out herself, is my suggestion, bc you can't intervene for every complaint she has. The admin can change her table mate to another who's 10x worse and then what?
My parent's first AL, the admin would switch up table seating assignments regularly so everyone would get to know one another AND to avoid the kerfuffles in general.
You're right that I"m sure there will always be someone to irritate my mom! She really can't work things out herself though. With her dementia, she just does not problem solve and is not a self starting with getting things done in general. I've ignored many of her complaints.
This is communal living. My brother used to say it was much like our growing up in the 60s. A commune with all the problems of the commune, all the gossip, all the bickers, all the dissention, and even some of the fun and companionship.
This is life. It isn't always perfect. I think that Mom may have to adjust. Sometimes people who should be in another level of care remain too long in ALF; it annoys ALL residents and staff that this is so, but it is so. So, again. This is life.
Frankly, it's his loss - he has missed out on a lot of really great people that way.
But regardless - I will say this - nursing homes, assisted living facilities -etc - walk a fine line - in juggling the needs of their residents. They have to meet EVERYONE'S needs. So while your mother may find the manners of this one resident abhorrent, that same resident may find the body odor of another resident at another table off putting and refuses to sit with them, and that resident refuses to sit with Sallie Mae because she stole her boyfriend and Sallie May refuses to sit with Joe because he was her ex-boyfriend and there is bad blood there. Seating assignments in a facility could become worse than a game of Red Rover or Tag.
I agree with the others - assigned seating may be needed in certain circumstances, but it most definitely doesn't seem to make any sense in the vast majority of cases. Why are they micromanaging the residents choice of seating? Everywhere I've ever seen just had open seating.
Unfortunately - there are always going to be cases where your mother isn't happy with something - and as much as I hate to say this -if she has dementia - those times are likely going to increase. My FIL has always been hard to please (ok...impossible to please). But here lately, there is literally no chance of pleasing him. Even my Dh and his sister, who have had some pathological need to please him due to childhood trauma, have basically come to their senses and just stopped trying because even when they do everything he wants he isn't happy.
I would gently suggest picking your battles. If you go to the staff every single time she isn't happy with her dinner companions, what happens if she has a falling out with the ones that she likes? You ask them to move them and then she forgets that she's mad at them? Take a deep breath and give it a few days. It's an adjustment, and with dementia, sometimes that adjustment starts over every day.
It's got to be VERY challenging to try to meet everyone's needs in these places.
I do realize that she will always have some complaints and that they will get worse as she declines. Most things I brush off and try to wait and see how often she complains about the same thing. I have waited to say anything about this situation - it's been about a month now and it's gone from mom just being annoyed to actively trying to avoid the situation so I guess it's worth addressing, in a nice way.
suggest they move people around do they have a chance to meet other residents .
easier said than done, eith dementia. Etc.
I'd say about half the residents have some level of dementia so not knowing where they should sit could be confusing. I also see some people sitting alone - maybe their table mates didn't show up or they need/want to sit alone. IDK and don't desire to find out. Maybe if they had an "open table" that anyone can sit at to join in with others? Oh well.
I'm also thinking maybe mom's meals can be brought to the activity room where I've seen others eat that is right near her room and the nurses station. Then she won't be alone in her room with her tray. Hmmmm
This is a nursing home, not a cruise ship, darlin’. If she gets hungry and bored enough, she will show up at mealtimes, and resume her attendance at bingo. My word! You have mentioned your dissatisfaction to the staff (who probably rolled their eyes, having heard this song and dance many, many times) so now, just let it go. Seems to me you are looking for a solution that doesn’t exist,
I think mom is a bit of a complainer but in this case, the complaints are reasonable and understandable. She has 3 meals a day with this crew and I don't think it's unreasonable for it to be a nice experience.
She is in AL not a nursing home and of course it's not a cruise ship.
If mom truly belongs where she is, realize that there is always an adjustment period and you can’t control much about that. Good luck.
My mom has been here for almost a year now. The lady that is picking her teeth a lot, has been at mom's table for about a month and mom is not getting used to it but getting more disgusted by it. I can't blame her. I doubt many of us would like to eat with someone like that.