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I'ts so that I can't call her anymore..I did the last time a few weeks ago; I miss her terribly and trying to help her with things around the house..and she's become obsessed with us not doing it the way she thinks it's to be done..and it takes times to move autos and find someone reliable to move them . we have plenty of time and she's obsessing about it and arguing with me get it down now.
so i can't call her cos it upsets me hear her talk that way. I told her it wasn't like her to act this way.....and no apologies......nothing.......
scared to call her.......

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You want your mother to apologise for speaking to you harshly about this thing with the cars that's upsetting her? Well, I hope you're not holding your breath. She won't.

Once the cars have been moved and that worry is off her mind, she *might* calm down a bit, reflect on things, recover her temper, and *then* say she's sorry she spoke roughly to you. She might. You never know.

But if this is a change in her behaviour, then I'm afraid that what is more likely is that she will move on to the next bee in her bonnet and start wanting that dealt with yesterday, too.

What could have happened, from the way that you describe her, is that for some perhaps unidentified reason her anxiety level just shot through the roof while nobody was looking - with the result that she's getting things way out of proportion. If it were my mother, that's the question I'd focus on: what has changed either in her mental state or in her circumstances to make her suddenly get like this?
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Obsessions and " a specific way of doing any task" or "things can only go here" mentality can be a norm for dementia/alzheimers people.

It will make you crazy...AND it can be worse. Something as simple as a well meaning relative coming over to make lunch and cleaning house can launch into a tantrum of Biblical proportions. (Like: "I do not eat THAT" or "You broke my coffee pot" or "somebody put my spatula in the wrong drawer".)

The "come over here this minute!" and "nobody can do anything right" is common too.

This type of crazy making can happen when a controlling (borderline personality) person gets dementia. The entire family can get whipped into a frenzy, manipulated, etc. Is is about attention? Is it about control? Sometimes yes and yes.

Does she live alone? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Could she have a UTI? Has she been taking medications right? Sounds like she may need more oversight than she is getting? Share with us what is happening and we can at least give you an opportunity to VENT! :) Hang in there!
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Save those messages, play them for her doctor just before she goes in to see the doctor. It is key that "she is not herself lately".
There is medication for that. Have someone else make sure she takes it.
You are right to be concerned, be careful, but do not be afraid.
When she is being a bully, you are right to walk away. You don't have to go back.
You said you love her, that is good so you don't want to punish her for her illness.
Everyone will agree, take care of yourself first, while sending someone else to help her. It doesn't have to be you. Thanks for sharing on this site. You don't have to be perfect.
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a grasping at straws trying to control and increasingly uncontrollable universe.
In order to preserve some shred of your own sanity, set boundries and stick to them. If you offer to take her shopping on Saturday, you are NOT available "on demand" on Wed if she ran out of milk. If she deliberately runs out of meds, pharmacies deliver. If she suddenly feels sick after an "I want you here right now" tantrum, send a taxi.
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A polite "I'm sorry that you are unhappy, but I am unavailable until XX" and an alternate solution that costs her money may go a long way to tempering this behavior.
First of all, it's not you, it's her, but you knew that.
The task-panic you describe isn't uncommon in dementia, neither is the bullying in order to establish control of others (not limited to dementia -- have seen same in very elderly & wheelchair-bound). Be prepared for other potential behaviors, like becoming completely unglued about seemingly minor incidents (a car dent, a plate broken by someone, etc).
My entirely unscientific theory is that it's
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Medina, we need more information. How old is your mother and what are her medical issues. Does she live by herself. Is she home alone or employed?

If she has Alzheimer's/dementia, how she is thinking is very normal. In her mind, this is the first time she is thinking about the moving the autos and whatever else is worrying her.... she doesn't realized she had the same conversation maybe an hour ago.
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Thank you for helping..anyone!..as i haven't slept..and it's such a worry everytime she leaves a voicemail..and or calls my daughter..she's meaner to me as the daughter..alot is that I can't mention my Dads name.Idon't anymore.haven't in very long time..she gets all into it was her's too..and im like yes Mom it is.and alot of things that are like Wow..and don't know which left field it flew from..so I go outside or walk around come back in see if she has gotten back to herself..becos I won't argue with my mom about anything.ilove her.
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Medina, if as you say your mother gets upset when things aren't done 'right' then I really wouldn't do anything behind her back because you'll end up making her completely paranoid.

You say your father passed away in 2008, when your mother was 75, is that right? But this fixating on needing to get jobs done stat! now! right away! is a recent thing, yes? And started shortly after your uncle's visit. I'm not holding your uncle or his wife responsible, of course, but it does seem to have been some sort of turnkey event, would you agree?

You don't have to argue with your mother about anything, or take her to task for the way she's behaving (which I certainly wouldn't recommend anyway); but you do need to investigate this. Have you managed to find a comparatively calm and peaceful moment to say to her gently "mother, something seems to have upset you terribly, because lately you just haven't been yourself. Can you talk to me about it?"

My guess is that her first response would be to blame everything, including her frustration and impatience, on the failure of everyone to help her with the things she needs to get done. Maybe she does feel as if she's surrounded by idiots and help is nowhere to be found and all is lost. But keep digging away. She wasn't always like this at all, was she? Something has changed, and you need to find out what.

What does your daughter think is the matter?
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Medina, the more I read about your Mom the more I think it is now time for Mom to downsize.... sell that house [won't be easy] and move Mom into a senior apartment complex where she can be around people of her own age group, no more worry about mowing the lawn, getting the cars ready, fixing this or that.

I know, I should talk, my parents are in their mid-90's and are still in their single family home.... I gave up trying to pry them out of there and go into something with less worry. Because of that, I am now a "bystander" just watching. If Dad need yard work done I give Dad the name of my landscaper because I am too old to do my own work at my own house [we are forever *kids* in the eyes of our parent]. My parents are always hinting about this or that.... I won't cave in, I tell them they need to hire someone.
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Medina, I definitely understand what you are experiencing. I am going through the exact same thing with mom, from the obsessing down to the rudeness. I try and remember that mom is changing because she would never have acted this way before. I am starting to hold close the good moments to help get me through the bad.

Once I realize that mom's snappiness is not an isolated incident, I do start gently and calmly questioning her to see what has upset her. Once we get to the bottom of that, she gets better until the "next" time.

So far, this is just my way of dealing with this and I am a definitely a "newbie"; but it seems to be working. Mom has been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment with Memory Loss and is still undergoing testing for Alzheimer's. Her doctor (neurologist) did notice some of the sharp tone and told me that if it got too bad (which it was) to let him know and he could give her something to help.
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