Follow
Share

My 102 year old mother fell and broke her hip in early July. She had surgery and has been in a rehab facility. She has made little progress mostly because of her attitude. The care team decided she should probably move into the long term care area where they could continue to work with her. My mother only cares about two things, going back to her house and screaming to the heavens for father. I have spent every single day of the last two years caring for her. I begged her to allow me to bring help in the home to aid her walking, bathing, etc. She refused. She fell down and the rest is history. Yesterday when we tried to move her she became violent trying to strike the physical therapist and an aide. They stopped the move, but I am now waiting for the call or letter telling me they have strict rules about residents hitting employees. My mother said things yesterday I couldn’t believe or forgive. My wife who works in the medical field tried to reason with her to no avail. My mother kept screaming I will fight all of you. I am not going in assisted living. I am going back to my house. I don’t need anyone there with me. This from somebody who cannot stand and needs help doing everything. I am so tired of dealing with her. If she had her way I would be living with her and taking care of her. She said to me you are no son of mine. You should be taking care of me either in my home or hers. Neither home is set up to accommodate a wheelchair. I am ready to resign as her power of attorney and have the court appoint a guardian.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Have you met with social worker or other staff where she is now to discuss what happens when she is discharged? Your profile says you’re caring for someone with dementia, is this her? If she has dementia, is prone to becoming violent, and can’t stand or care for herself, and doesn’t allow help, it’s time for a plan for her care whether she agrees or not. My dad is living alone, physically very frail, but is of sound mind, so I’m forced to wait on an event that changes the picture. Looks like you have enough to change your mom’s, meet with the staff and emphasize that she has no place safe to go and won’t allow help
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
JimL1953 Aug 2019
We have met with her care team to discuss her discharge. I wanted to transition my mom to their long term care facility. They had an opening which is rare and they said they would move my mom. As you have read it didn’t go well and they stopped mid move and put her back in a rehab room. Where she is at is one of the nicest facilities in our area. Striking staff is a serious thing with them as stated in their handbook. That is strike one. The room has now been taken, strike two. They have a long waiting list to get in here so my guess is we will have to find another place. I know she cannot go home or come to my home. We also care for my mother in law . It is she who has dementia. We will get it sorted out. Thank you.
(4)
Report
Dear Jim,
I have been following your questions about your life. You and your wife have your hands full. I second telling the Social Worker at Mom's rehab that there is no home set up for a wheelchair to get around. Tell them you are already careing for a MIL. You must say you cannot take your Mother home. It takes a village to care for a 2 person assist. I also think some "calm down" meds may have to be started. Your Mom is terrified you say of being alone. So was my Mom after my Dad died. If she didn't want to be alone in the NH bathroom...well life at home would be the same way. We all do this as long as we can for our parents. But there has to be a point where you can tell the SW that you simply cannot do this anymore. You have no extra help, home is not set up for her, your already caregivers for MIL, and she is not a safe discharge to home because there is NO 24/7 help there at all. It is horribly hard to do I know. I finally after 71/2 years put my Mama in Memory Care. She has had a Geriatric Phych. Evaluation, new low dose meds and is settling in. This is hard but you must say to rehab you can't being her home it is just too much for you. You have lost Dad too and you sound like me 6 months ago. At the end of the rope. Please the a knot on the end of your rope and hang on.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report
JimL1953 Aug 2019
Thanks. When we met two weeks ago with the care team I did in fact tell them I am at the end of my rope. I explained to them that I have been with my parents every day for four years excluding my busy periods of work when my sister stepped in to help. I made the team aware that neither home is set up for a wheelchair and that mom doesn’t have the money for that kind of care. I spent most of a day last week talking with in home providers and determining costs. All said if the home isn’t set up correctly it’s a moot point. Anyway at north of two hundred thousand dollars a year for care it was out of the question anyway. I am sorry for your loss too. It isn’t easy.
(4)
Report
She is not going back to her house, no matter how much she screams. She cannot. I can see the anxiety in your post but try to take a deep breath and work with staff to find placement for her. Under no circumstances should you try to make some arrangement to get her home with help. She cannot live alone. She needs 3 shifts of caregivers a day; no one can take that abuse for more than 8 hours. She needs to be seen by psychiatrist and put on some meds to calm down a bit. She is probably frantic and understands her only hope (at least in her mind) is to control you with her fury to get what she wants. But she cannot have what she wants and sorry, at 102, she has lived a long life. No need for her to take yours too. Just remain firm with staff and say no, she has to be placed. There will be no reasoning with her so really don't bother trying. Hopefully you can find a place to agree to take her; but remember no one really wants to go into a facility, no matter how nice. And she will not be the first one they have had to deal with who has a bad attitude. Try to make it as easy on yourself as possible. You still have her house and all her other stuff to deal with.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
JimL1953 Aug 2019
Thanks for your thoughts. All the answers I have read make sense. Sitting back and realizing they do is the first step. I understand most facilities have experience with unruly people who don’t want to be there. I understand nobody wants to really be there. We have to deal with the realities at hand. Taking a few days away has at least allowed me to calm down. My wife thinks I should go visit today. I disagree in that the minute I walk in my mother will start in again. There goes my BP. I will keep the visit short and then see what the new week presents.
(9)
Report
Very sorry, but at this point it is not up to Mom. She clearly isn't in control. At some point they seem to descend back into the world of regression to the point that they become 2 years old. Would we allow a two year old to make decisions? Sadly enough I guess, these days we seem to.
You have received good advice. She does need placement now. DO NOT make the GRAVE mistake of taking her into your home. You will not easily have her removed from that situation and it will be a nightmare.
Now you tell her quite simply that she will have to accept placement. If she is combative the placement will not be as pleasant as it would be otherwise as she would require memory care and medication, which she may require in ANY case. You tell her that this is not up for argument.
I cannot believe the numbers of people who live their lives by guilt. Are we flawed and inadequate human beings? Yes. We are. Are we Saints, doormats, slaves? No, we are not. Yet over and over again I see people martyring themselves out of guilt to people undeserving of the care. Even if DESERVING of it, there is a limit to what humans beings can endure. So not up for argument. Admit to the being flawed. Tell her that yes, you are an inadequate son, and as such very close to giving her guardianship up to the state who will not have much time to listen to her abusive critique. Nor care overmuch. States feel no guilt. Psychopaths and narcissists don't either. Only good and decent people feel guilt. Welcome to the club of the enormously flawed human beings.
Helpful Answer (25)
Report
JimL1953 Aug 2019
Thank you. I know that my mom is not capable of making this decision. She won’t make it easy at all. While I wish that she not have to be medicated I know that will be our only choice. They do end like two year olds and I am aware of it, but when you see someone every day and they badger away at what they want for hours on end it gets to you. My fault for probably spending too many hours with her. I have found recently after receiving counsel from a cousin when they start in hounding you tell them to stop. If they don’t,get up and leave. I did tell my mom I was considering resigning as POA . She didn’t even blink,just kept right on about going back to her house.
(10)
Report
Jim, I've also read through some of your previous posts. I am exhausted reading about your life. I want you and your wife to be able to have a real LIFE! What you have now seems to be a death sentence.

Having your late-stage dementia MIL in your house is bad enough! And now your mother is demanding that you take care of her? NO WAY. Refuse to play any part in her return to her home (is she still legally mentally competent?). Make sure the discharge planning folks know that there is no help available for her there, and that she needs placement. NOW.

I wish you could also place your MIL somewhere. How old is she, and how much longer do you think she will live? Does your wife have to do a lot of physical caregiving for her mother?
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
JimL1953 Aug 2019
Thank you for your answer. My wife and I have been primary caregivers for both sets of parents. My mother has always been difficult and is used to getting her way. It has been about six weeks since her hip surgery and she has not always been receptive to the rehab process if it doesn’t fit when she feels like doing it. My dad took ill four years ago with cancer. I would visit him each day and took him to most appointments. During the summer months when I was at my busiest with work my sister covered. My dad passed two years ago. My work load was lighter during the winter months and it gave me time to visit my mother each day. I would have the conversation about getting help in the house for her and each time she refused. She fell for the first time last November ending with a large gash on her head,concussion,and small brain bleed. The second fall resulted in the broken hip. She will accept no responsibility for her decisions. I have stayed away the last couple of days. My wife stopped in to see her yesterday and she talked with her a bit. My wife explained to mom that she is putting enormous pressure on me. My mother said hogwash. The next words were I am going home tomorrow. On my wife’s side her mother is 98 with late stage dementia. She lives with us and has done so for over ten years. Weekdays my mother in law goes to an adult day care from nine to one and we have aides that watch her until we get home around four. My wife from that point takes care of her. We go through the sun downing each day with all the associated things that go with it. My wife knows we are nearing the point when her mom will have to go to a facility. She is becoming more difficult to deal with by the day. Typically when sundowning anger is her driver. She will also grab anything in reach and put in her pockets or pants. Eating ,we have to watch her like a hawk as she just shovels food in her mouth. I know she has no idea that she does this and we divert her attention all the time to slow her down. We don’t have much of a life because both of us are so busy tending to parents. We also took care of my wife’s dad when he was ill. He had a stroke and was paralyzed from the chest down. I would watch him days and my wife at night. We had him with us several years. All of the things you have suggested make a lot of sense. I am new to this process of care, long term care,etc. My mother has stated she will fight us and them wherever we place her unless at home. She also said no help at home should she go there which won’t happen. The social worker said they are doing cognitive function tests on her now,but no answer on it yet. That they will be forced to medicate her is not a question anymore. I am scheduled to speak on Monday with her attorney so that we are on the same page and then move forward with the social worker. Thank you for taking time to respond.
(12)
Report
"I am ready to resign as her power of attorney and have the court appoint a guardian." You have done your best and wanting to resign while understandable for your self preservation at this point is not going to get you the relief you seek.

Do not accept discharge to home. Do not piecemeal together help for her at home. If she's competent, which I doubt, she won't appreciate your efforts. And if she's not competent, which seems to be the case, she won't appreciate your efforts. You can still help her as her POA by stepping back from the day-to-day, working with the healthcare team to find longterm care, selling her house, and using the money to pay for her care.

No one ought to be abused by those for whom we are caring and it should not be tolerated.
Helpful Answer (21)
Report

As stated, make sure facility knows she does not have a support system in place and can not return home at this time. TELL mom that until she is able to function she is not going to go home, that she needs to do her therapy and get better. If SHE choses not to do it, she won't be going home because it's not safe to do so. Could she be having a reaction to the anesthesia from surgery? Has she always been this angry and confrontational? She may need a mental assessment and some kind of a medical treatment. Im sure she's also scared, angry about her situation, unsure of her future, which maybe the reason she's acting the way she is, lashing out at everyone. Stick to your guns, you have your hands full. Does she do this because it has worked in the past to get her way? Wearing you down until you give in because it's easier? Here it was pouting and crocodile tears, wailing what kind of family do I have when sil complained about her brother, he wasn't backing down, told her this may work on SILs but not here, funny how pouting temper tantrum started instead of poor me. Told her that wasn't working either that she needed to let them work it out and I agreed with husband. Final answer was fine. Pick and choose your battles but don't be bullied by her. Good luck, not an easy situation you have going on.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

Jim, please Google "Narcissistic Personalty Disorder" and see if you find yourself reading a description of your mom.

Knowing what something is called is the beginning of understanding how to deal with it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Ok..your mom is 102. She has had one hell of a long life. She is no longer capable of making her own decisions and you have POA for a reason. Do not let her tantrums rule your decisions. There are a percentage of elders who will NOT go cheerfully to the next level of care...my dad being one of them. I'm sorry it didn't fit with his life plan but then I'm not the one who broke a femur around the prosthetic hip and had to have it nailed and cabled back together and then refused to learn to walk again. So from AL to LTC he went. Lately as his dementia progressed after yet another fall and break, he became angry, agitated and even striking and hurting people. We have a new doctor who is trying Tegratol for this behavior and we are hoping it will help. So all this to say, do what's in her best interests and yours and get her admitted to LTC regardless of her refusal. And then get a doctor to assess her behavior before moving her.
The mean and hurtful things are difficult to take, as again I've heard the same from my dad. They will blame us till the sun no longer shines. I read about something on here called "going gray rock". I wished I'd known that back then. But google it and read up on it and use that technique with your mom. As for you wife trying to reason with her...good luck. Don't even go there, she doesn't want to hear it. It only makes them angrier. And never argue.
I'm sorry your life is so all consumed by this as I know it is very very hard. Hang in there.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

I am exhausted reading about your situation. No wonder you are at the end of your rope. Most people would never have been able to do all that you and your wife have done and are doing for your aging parents. Your mother needs full time care and supervision. It is not her decision anymore since she cannot take care of herself. Walking away from her protests and accusations might be your best strategy. Engaging in argumentative conversation further reinforces her terrible behavior. You need to preserve your own sanity or you won't be able to function as POA anyway.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

I really empathize with your dilemma. I really beat myself up when I had to put my mom first in assisted living, and then because she fell and wore a cast, I placed her in a nursing home. At the very minimum allow yourself the reality that you can and probably will visit her daily or almost daily.
She will be safe.
Unfortunately what she “wants” is not a reality. She’s scared and trying to retain some control but just do what you know is right. If she is verbally abusive to the staff it won’t be the first time they’ve seen that. And though it’s impossible to imagine right now she might actually like it once she sees that she is safe and you’re visiting and it’s not as scary as she pictures it.
One random tip: I visited my mom daily until her death ( she was there about 3 yrs) but always switched up the times. That way the staff never knew when I would show up.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
watercolor Aug 2019
It's great that you were able to visit every day. But while I believe family should visit as often as possible, no one should feel obligated to visit every day. For most, that would still limit their own lives tremendously. I like your idea of changing your visiting times in order to get a true picture of the care your loved one is receiving.
(3)
Report
A bit of the same boat here. As others said tell her social worker there is no one to care for her so she can not go home. They will place her You may want to visit a few local nursing homes now to see if you like any in case there is a choice. Try to find a place close to you so can easily pop in. If you take her home it will be much harder for you to get her placed later. Am so sorry you are going through this and know how painful and exhausting it is. You really are taking the best care of mom by keeping her safe. Be sure to take care of yourself too.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

It has been recommended to me by others in my dementia support group to stop trying to reason with someone that is unwilling to cooperate, or can't. At this point you must protect yourself and your wife, let the folks in charge of your mother and her doctors take care of her. Being the POA and medical surrogate, we must do what is best even when it is beyond difficult. Time will heal your hurt feelings, until then, remove yourself as frequently and as often as you need to. We are not called to be martyrs, it is not part of care giving or loving.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I know this will sound heartless, but have her sedated so the move can be accomplished without anyone getting hurt. You have the right to ask them to do this. I agree that you should not take her into your home at this point, because placing her later will be harder.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If your mom isn't cognitively impaired, no dementia at all she has the right to decide where she goes and where she doesn't but she needs the clear choices spelled out for her because she doesn't have the right to decide anything for you, just for herself. She grasps at using guilt because she is terrified, terrified of dying, terrified of being an invalid, terrified of being dependent on strangers, simply terrified of the unknown, who knows but using guilt trips on you has probably worked in the past thus far so she's going to hang tight to that tool, it's what she knows. This doesn't mean she actually means what she says or is even doing it thoughtfully, she's desperate and probably doesn't even know why. At 102 her thought's, experiences and knowledge of a Nursing Home, Long Term Care and where people pass is very different from even the average situation today so she may just not be able to hear that moving from one "rehab" room to another LTC room really doesn't change much for her, it's easier to accept that you need to be in rehab for a while because there is a carrot at the end LTC means to her you will die here (which may or may not be true). My suggestion would be to give her the options to choose from.
1. She can stay in the same rehab facility and work with the same therapists to rehab but for insurance reasons she will need to move to a LT room. It's simply an insurance thing because her injury requires more rehab than days allotted for short term rehab, this is why these facilities have/do both. Once she is mobile on her own again and signed off by PT & doctors she will have the choice to go home on her own.

2. She can ignore doctors orders and PT recommendations and sign herself out to go home. But she will need to make arrangements and pay for help at home unless she is capable of getting up and caring for herself. You and other family members are not capable of being with her 24/7 and caring for her, that's why she needs rehab. While you don't agree with this decision and you worry about the consequences to her of making it you will of course do what she wishes as POA as directed (sign forms, make arrangements, pay bills...) but not provide hands on care and lifting, you can't. I imagine you are in your 70's, it takes 2 trained people in rehab to transfer her, she can do the math.

3. She can find another arrangement/facility.

She needs to know that refusing to do anything to care for herself will likely force the rehab/state to step in and deem her unable to care for herself because it's very unlikely they are going to let her go home without a plan in place for care since she isn't able on her own (why she's in rehab to start) and while you have been willing to take on this responsibility if it's going to create this unbearable stress between you you wont be able or willing to add to it by taking on this responsibility, meaning she will be appointed a stranger to make decisions for her. It isn't totally in your hands unless she allows it to be and it isn't totally in her hands unless she proves she's capable by behaving rationally.

Give her back a feeling of some control, make sure she doesn't feel abandoned but make sure she knows her choices and that she needs to be responsible with them to keep control but in a gentle in your face kind of way, lol. Seriously though take some of that off of you, you will continue to take on responsibility to help her as long as she wants but you don't have total control, she is under doctors care and they have legal responsibilities. She has too meet certain criteria that aren't in your control or the facilities completely. I want to see you get off of this cliff and back to a place where you are caring for and about mom rather than dreading contact with her.

If mom does have dementia that's a whole other ball game and it may be time to just take control and make the only decision you can. Enlist the facility and doctors help, maybe cog eval and or meds to help trans.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
LexiPexi Aug 2019
I liked the phrase - (paraphrasing) - She has the right to decide for herself. She doesn't have the right to decide for the caregiver / relative. Along with some other information, I'm afraid I'm going to have to use this with my husband.
(3)
Report
I have dealt with this exact situation many times with family. Your Mom needs homecare and the best way for that to happen is to just introduce her to someone willing to help who perhaps has someone who can help when needed with transfers. If she is sent to a Nursing home (she doesn't sound like a candidate for assisted living) she will not get the 1 on 1 attention she needs so she can heal. Once she bonds with her caregiver she will be fine. Its her only option at this point.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My god, these "sick" people can become monsters and we, those who take care of them, MUST, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THAT BEHAVIOR. When all kind, loving attempts fail to stop this horrible behavior, we must be strong and realize they will destroy us mentally and physically - absolutely unacceptable. Arrange with the appropriate professionals to "remove" her and place her. She will scream and rant and rave - let her. She can't and won't control herself and can't care for herself. You MUST REMOVE HER AT ONCE TO A FACILITY WHERE THEY CAN CARE FOR HER AND DEAL WITH HER BEHAVIOR. You cannot, under any circumstances, continue this - please act now. And if you want to, then bow out and get out of the picture to save your sanity but guardianship is very expensive. I would start by getting her placed and make it known you cannot and will no longer care for her. They will be forced to do something with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
my2cents Aug 2019
Riley2166 - I am really having problems understanding your position on this and other posts. The woman is 102 years old!! Of course she wants to go home. She wants the life she had before. Clearly if she cannot understand the very reasons she cannot go home, her mind is failing, to at least a certain degree. Your responses would indicate if the loved ones snap their fingers, as you would at a bad child, they are going to just pop back into reality and 'behave' themselves. It just doesn't work that way. You may have the ability to tell yourself it is a controlled behavior so you can just slam the door and walk away, but I don't think you're going to find a lot of others who can do that. They will worry, fret, and feel bad they are seeing their loved one change. They will also continue to try to make things as good as they can...in spite of some harsh words that come from who knows where.
(1)
Report
My sympathies to you, you are going through a very difficult situation. You may want to speak with a professional social worker to find out what your options are.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This issue seems very much like one a close brother in law dealt with for more than ten years. He had a good business to run, teen daughter and my sister who was just diagnosed with breast cancer. He hired good people to o care for her in her home at considerable expense, he was with her several times a week and they also spent mist weekends with her. She absolutely would not go to the best assisted living residence around between age 90 to 101. The wear on him was visible but he just wouldn’t commit her to assisted care. She died at 101 and he was diagnosed with a very fast form of cancer three weeks later and passed three months later at age 58. The stress was enormous and I feel like she sucked the life out of him. I always felt as did my sister that his father would never have wanted this for him and that his senile mother long had forgotten to be a loving mother. You should talk to a family law attorney, have yourself appointed to make these decisions over an adult incompetent and put her in the best assisted living she can afford.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I just read Lymie61's suggestions, and I agree wholeheartedly! Spell out your mom's choices, and have medical staff available to back you up. When my father-in-law was about to be released from hospital, we were told that the family needed to meet with the medical staff (2 doctors and a social worker) to discuss his needs. They made it very clear to us that he could not be released to his home without 24/7 care, and they said that he could no longer take care of his wife.
Because it came from the mouths of medical professionals, my father-in-law took it seriously. He wasn't happy that he needed help, but he accepted it because he knew his limitations.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As cold-hearted as it sounds, I had to anonymously report my mom to the state so that they would take her drivers license away. You may have the ability to get help by having your mother declared a danger to herself and others through the Baker Act. There is probably a way to do it anonymously. Sounds like it would be bad for your dad to care for her and she really needs extra help. I’m not sorry I did it. I didn’t want to live with the guilt of her killing someone. Just an idea.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Your mother of 102 in age but thinks and behaves like a 2 year old. She wants what she wants and she doesn't care how she gets it. She is as independent as a 2 month old minus the cuteness. Maybe it's easier to deal with her if you think of her as a tantrum-throwing terrible two and treat her as such.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

my father in laws doctor wrote a letter saying he could not go home in his condition. That did it. Told him not our decision but the doctors. She can object but just stay away for a period of time. She can’t get home on her own
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

JimL this is just a quick point - your mother became violent and struck out on being moved: has anybody checked the surgery site? Sudden pain does make people lash out, and if something's gone wonky again in her hip that would do it. Pain, fear and anger tend to hunt together.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

When the point comes when it is no longer safe for anyone to live alone in their own home/apartment, then they cannot be permitted to do so. It does not matter how much of a temper tantrum they throw.

Almost no human body is capable of being fully independent at age 102. Can she change her own burned-out lightbulbs, balance her checkbook, mop her kitchen floor, strip the bed and wash/dry the sheets, drive herself or take the bus to each of her medical appointments? If she is unable to do those things, then she is not "independent."

I might mention an analogy from the late singer Glen Campbell who died of Alzheimer's disease. He had five family members taking turns, round-the-clock, to care for him at home. He reached a stage when he became violent, and was still physically strong enough to do serious injury to his caregivers. They were unable to cope with this behavior, and feared for their own safety, so, they had no choice but to place him into a memory care facility. He was safe there and supervised 24/7 - and he remained there until he died.

The time has come for this woman to be in some type of care facility, for her own safety and that of her family.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

Why tell her it's assisted living. Just tell her she has to move to another area to keep getting the rehab.

You might tell her, they are going to test her to see if she is ready to go home. Then tell her she has to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom by herself. Be standing there with help. When she can't do it, tell her she has to work some more at getting well and for now. See if she is more willing to work with them after that. If not, tell her she has to move to a different bed where they have help to get her going again.

Just flat out telling her she can't go home probably won't work.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

First of all, with a hip surgery, she will need to be in a SNF for at least 3 months, so she’s not going anywhere now. There is no need to even bring this up right now. The answer will come in time, you have to see how she is doing after her 3 month rehab, then deal with this then.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Just tell Social Worker you agree with them...that she needs long term care..have the Medicaid office help with the application. Tell them there’s nobody in her house to help her. The behavior is indicative of dementia. Violent outbursts like my 92 yo mother with dementia has. Seroquel helps..ask her dr for script. If she stays violent, facility will send her for short term stay at psych ward to get her on medication & stable. She needs to be in SNF, not ALF. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Under no circumstances, take her into your home. DO NOT DO IT! Yes, elders turn into 2 year olds. I saw it with my own mother, who clammed up when she didn't care to answer a simple question. Prayers sent to you dear man ....
She needs long term care - tell the social worker.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

YOUR MOM HAS DEMENTIA!!! - stop being an ostrich about this & stop asking if she wants to go to assisted living JUST DO IT - she is a 2 year old going on 103 - do not resign as POA at this time but rather try to remember how a 2 or 3 year old would react when you stop them from doing what they want .... & how different is your mom - they will say/do/swear/over-react to anything & everything that gets in their way of what they want

At this stage they believe that it is not the sun nor the earth that is the centre of the universe but it is them & their wants - so what if she doesn't like it .... have you ever met anyone who said 'I want to live in a nursing home' ... NO NO - she has lost the faculties to make good judgements for herself - she will try to guilt you doing what she wants but if asked all she will say & re-say is 'I want to go home' but she has no concept  of what is involved

Good judgement prevails over the wants of an individual who is not in touch with reality - you are a good son so stop being manipulated by her - this person is a shell of what your concept of 'mom' is - she will remember things about you one day & not the next - I told my mom it was temporary until her hand improved so she thought it was a long term rehab place & she was happy about that so please try it if you can

P.S. - as a man your first reaction is to bail out when the going gets tough - now to try to own up to the responsibilities of a POA & start making the nitty gritty choices - otherwise bail out & let the women of the family pick up after you - grow up & get a backbone when dealing with your mom [you are probably 70+ years old by now] - I know this is strong but someone has to slap you upside your head to make you wake up that it is not a walk in the garden to be jettisonned when it is no a longer simple job - otherwise do like so many jellyfish men do & bail out [& the women will do it for you] but you lose the right to complain ever again about her care
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Lymie61 Aug 2019
Your right this is strong, too strong. I'm not sure where you get the idea this has been a "simple" job until now or that this son isn't simply expressing the same frustrations and concerns many daughters and wives had across this forum. Slamming anyone here for their gender, making assumptions and labeling anyone at all here is simply wrong. Saying the hard things is one thing but you have gone too far here and not only because you didn't bother finding a supportive way to express the hard facts you felt this poster needed to hear but because you chose to insult instead. If you can't be supportive go on to the next topic please.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter