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Car is there for caregivers. Took the car and she threatened suicide, yelling, crying. She had a mini stroke and broke her hip a year ago. Also, medium dementia. She has three daughters who also drive and care for her. She doesn't want to ride in the caregiver's car because it is not in good condition. We told her we would leave the car if she promised not to drive. We put a tracking device on the car in case she drove and got lost. We've begged, pleaded, written heartfelt letters, to no avail. Her doctor has talked to her multiple times. She is on anti-depressants and medication for dementia. Mom claims she does not want to live if she can't drive. We pointed out how much she has to live for and how fortunate she is that she is able to stay in her home with her dog. She says she doesn't care. We told her she could injure someone if she has spasms in her legs and she says she doesn't care. I know she doesn't mean this, but she acts like a child when we talk to her. We know the car needs to be removed, but we are trying to get her to accept things so it is a win-win situation. Don't know how to deal with the suicide talk, yelling and crying. She also drinks alcohol at night, against doctor's and our requests. She is capable of living "alone" with help, IF she follows doctors orders. Any suggestions would be most appreciated. We've told her if she falls again, she will not be able to stay in her own home. Once again, her response is she will "take a bottle of pills" before she goes to assisted living.



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Lacer1, I agree with Mincemeat.
My mom caused an injury accident resulting in a week long jury trial.
A year of anxious legal wrangling before the trial was stressful on all of us.
Selling her beloved car was a battle worth fighting and she doesn't even remember
the whole ordeal.
One less thing to worry about.
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To an elder the car still means there is some freedom left in their life. Of course they will act like a 16 year old who was grounded for driving after dark, all the threats, all the "I will kill myself" noises, etc. They want their wheels no matter what.

My Dad didn't go quite that far, but it was frustrating any time I couldn't drive him or Mom someplace, he would threaten to drive himself.... that was a very hot button for me. I would explode. Numerous times I told him that if he was in a serious accident where someone was really hurt, then he and Mom would be sued and everything they worked so hard for the past 70 some years would be gone. Then what? How would he and Mom live? Was going to the grocery store for a sale on can peaches worth that risk??? That usually settled him down.

Thankfully Dad's old Oldsmobile wouldn't hold a charge [something electrical in the car was draining the battery], so Dad would need to bring out the portable charger and set it up.... after a few hours of charging the car, Dad would forget why he wanted to drive :)
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Lacer1 - you are describing exactly how my mom reacted to loosing her licence and car. I supported her in numerous attempts to re-test and get her licence back - which never happened. Knowing she had no licence or insurance mom still sneaked the car out. The only choice was to remove the car. If mom wanted to go out she had to accept going in someone else's car. Don't like the car? Too bad, stay home then. I honestly think the only thing that prevented her from literally sneaking out and buying a new car and hiding it, was the talk I gave her. I carefully explained the consequences of getting in an accident without insurance and a licence. Mom was taking pain killers - so, arrest, possible jail time, court fees and lawyer fees. If mom hurt or killed anyone it meant all the previous mentioned plus civil suits which could cost her every dime she had. To this day mom insists she can drive - even though she can't get out of her recliner by herself. As for the drama and the suicide threats - I know this sounds harsh but this is how I look at it - yes, I would feel badly but she chose that over being able to make a rational decision. A decision dementia may make problematic but in this case, when her safety and the safety of others are at stake - what is YOUR choice? To give in because of that threat? I would feel a hell of a lot worse if I knowingly had let her drive and she killed some poor innocent bystander(s) who had the misfortune to be in her path. Do what you can to minimize any realistic suicide attempt - lock up medications, get her to a psyh evaluation etc - but for Gods sake, take the car away!
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I have really been down this "I have to drive" journey. About the dementia....when they say "I don't care if I hurt someone"....they really mean it....they really do not care. Their brain is broken and they show no responsibility or empathy towards others. I realize this is a hard pill to swallow.

The other hard realization about dementia is the "sanity swings" they can be perfectly logical one minute and just plain stupid the next minute. The suicide threats? They are done because they push your buttons and put your entire family into turmoil......lots of attention.....mission accomplished.

I realize what I just said sounds harsh. Get rid of the car and pay the caregivers mileage.
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We went through this experience with my husband last August. We realized we had to do something drastic before he got in the car and had a SERIOUS accident. So we took all his car keys away (at night while he was asleep) The next day he was told the keys had been put away etc. He pitched a fit of some magnitude - later in the day it got so bad we called 911 and they took him to the crisis management unit of our hospital. Enough said PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT ALLOW HER TO DRIVE ANYMORE!!!
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How does she get the keys?
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Pamstegma - so true. During one of my moms behind the wheel tests she actual drove up onto the sideway - an automatic fail, by the way! My mom thought it was completely unfair and so not her fault, because the instructor had her drive down a street that was partially shaded by trees!
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When my friends who had had their licenses revoked continued to drive, I phoned Adult Protective Services for advice. They sent someone to evaluate them and I got there first to explain that a lady was coming because someone who was worried about them had phoned and she had to come to see how they were as it was her job.

The husband sounded rational for the first 5 minutes and then began to repeat himself. APS asked how they managed their shopping, etc. and the husband said they drove. When he was asked if he understood their licenses were revoked, he acted surprised. Later he was asked what he thought they should do with the car if neither could drive and he said: "sell it and get some money out of it." At that point I was able to get the keys and move the car to another friend's garage while we got it ready to sell. At that point, I took over taking them shopping and to their different appointments. I was also their POA for health care and finances, so by doing this, I could monitor how things were going. They were able to live on their own for another 8 months or so before the wife's dementia became so bad she needed 24 hour care. I found a nice, one bedroom memory care apartment in an AL so they could be together, which was extremely important to both of them. By involving APS, it removed me from being the "bad guy" about the keys.

Hope this helps in dealing with the manipulation going on here.
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See if you can go a similar route as I did with my mother. Get her licence suspended but tell her if she can pass the written exam and the behind the wheel test she can legally get her licence back - and she would have proven that she is in fact legal to drive. My mother passed the written in her fourth attempt but finally gave up after she failed her fourth behind the wheel test.
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Lacer, if she has moderate dementia no amount of asking, begging or reasoning is going to work. To her she is fine but we all know she should not be on the road.

There's no easy way to do this. The car has to go. You can take the keys or disable the car or just drive it away some night.

And don't be afraid to fib. Depending on the level if her dementia a story that the car is in the shop or you borrowed it may cool her jets a little.
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