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I’m in a pickle - my mom has been in rehab 6 weeks and is going nuts. She told me ortho doc released her and she can be discharged from rehab and wants me to come get her and bring her to my house to continue recovery.


Feedback from the Golden Child is No she hasn’t been released, No she is not ambulatory, but it’s fine if she comes to my house till after the holidays and he will start looking for 24 hour care for her as that is what doctor recommended.


It’s funny how six weeks ago they - Golden Child and his wife did not even acknowledge me as a family member but now that the heavy lifting needs to be done he responds. He has weasled out of helping me moving her out of the rehab, loading her in and out of wheelchair, etc. when he was the one who admitted her there.


Everything in me says don’t do this. My brother has known for Years mom needs assisted living. This recent injury is proof. He controls her money - he could have already arranged a place. Waiting till after the holidays to even look for options while I single handedly take on her 24/7 care sounds too much like it will never get done cause he knows I’m stuck.

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"Everything in me says don’t do this" and there's your answer :)
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Listen to your gut, don't do it! You may very well end up having her permanently. Leave any breaking out to the golden child. If you were to take her out, that could very well have legal implications for you.
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I agree - don't do it.
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Chuckle... it's fine if she comes to your house "till after the holidays," is it?

Yeah right. I'll bet that's absolutely dandy with bro. No worries. And no hurry with his search for the ideal 24 hour care home, either... Perfect!

Smile sweetly and say that you wouldn't want to put mother through the upheaval and discomfort of two moves. Much better to wait until he's found her a permanent placement and then you'll be happy to help.

If the pressure continues, make your smile gradually less sweet until they finally understand the word "no." Take her a nice present for Christmas but don't let her over your threshold.
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Twillie Dec 2019
Love this answer! It’s perfect plus it’s truly the best for my mom. I can do this.
(8)
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Don’t t do it. She will never leave
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I smell a rat... a golden rat...

Take the xmas vibe to her: music, lights, food. (She's probably so bored). Party together!

Then go home alone.
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Please don’t bring her home with you. Big mistake!
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One word, T. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo".

As one discharge planner said to us once " she's in a bed" (talking about my mom, who was in rehab). I asked what she meant.

She said that doing a "bed to bed" transfer/admission is far easier than trying to get someone admitted into a LTC facility from home.

Your brother and his wife will probably tell you that "that's not true" and that you're stupid, unhelpful, etc.

Smile sweetly and tell him if she's going "home" it's with HIM.

Not you. Never with you.

((((((Hugs))))))).
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Love your response!
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"Waiting till after the holidays to even look for options while I single handedly take on her 24/7 care sounds too much like it will never get done cause he knows I’m stuck."

He will "start" to look for facilities, but he will never finish! As everyone else has suggested, DO. NOT. TAKE. HER. TO. YOUR. HOME.

Keep us updated!
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rovana Dec 2019
Oh you have nailed it. Brother almost certainly wants to preserve inheritance or he would already be looking (and finding) a place.  "Temporary stay with daughter"? Sounds like a waste of time at best - mom surely can get better care staying in rehab. And the lack of honesty about her physical and mental condition is a huge red flag.
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No, tell her you will bring a Xmas meal to her and eat with her, if that works for you
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NO. She can actually lose her rehab coverage if this occurs. They can lose coverage for leaving the facility out the front door for a walk. It gets really crazy iffy in some cases, so unless this is thoroughly cleared thought medicare and with social services this could be a huge mistake that would prevent further rehab care. So move carefully. A bit late to recommend that, but I wouldn't do this. Visit. It is but one day.
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PowerOf3 Dec 2019
I advise you take Alvas advice, do not tread on the process and jeopardize her bed. She could get blacklisted also (in California that’s a thing) the care facilities have and share an online record system with each other and some people can’t find placement after something like that, so when it’s imperative she get care you can’t find a place to accept her and that’s not a stunt I’d consider especially if it all lands in your lap.
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I'm fairly new to this forum, so I don't know all of your history, as other's might. But all I've seen are recommendations telling you not to do it. I say, whatever you do, do it for yourself. If you want to spend Christmas with your mom, then figure out a way to make it happen.

I do agree that if you simply check her out of rehab and bring her into your home, you will most likely be "stuck" with her in your home for weeks or months until your brother eventually finds a place for her. But... Perhaps there's a middle ground.

Since she's not released, according to Golden Child, then can she leave for a few hours? Maybe you can "break" her out without actually checking her out. Do it dressed all in black, tell her she can't come home with you, but you want to get her out of there against doctor's orders for at least a little while. Take her to dinner, drive around and look at Christmas lights, or whatever.

Again, I don't know your history, but as I and my family deal with the very real possibility that our own mom won't see another Christmas, we've figured out a way to make this one special. I am lucky, though, to have a caring and thoughtful brother who shares in the care-giving responsibilities.
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rovana Dec 2019
Why not have a Christmas celebration at the rehab?  Family can get together, without all the physical problems of moving mom.
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So update - today was not a good day for my mom. When I told her I wasn’t coming to get her she lost it. So they must have readmitted her cause he left her there.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
Well done!
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Good job, twillie! Stay strong.
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From all of my experiences if you take her out of rehab for anything, then Medicare says that she is well enough to go home and they deny further services.

Can you help find a facility for her and give goldilocks the information? Then there is no excuse for her not receiving the care she needs.

NEVER take responsibility without full authority. It is a recipe for complete disaster. I have been there and it was hellish for me and I didn't have someone else that had the authority, I am afraid I would have gone over the edge having to cater to whims of the POA while caring for my dad.

I would talk to the facility and ask if they can do a needs assessment and the TB test she will need, that will help you find the proper facility to meet her needs.

Best of luck and have a Merry Christmas, her fit is nothing but manipulation, so give yourself a lovely Christmas gift and don't own her issues. She did give POA to the sib. These are the consequences of that choice.
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rovana Dec 2019
Could I suggest refusing in any way to find a facility? After all, with no POA, shut out from health and financial information, what could daughter do that son and his wife can do?  I really suspect that brother wants to handle his responsibilities executive-style, i.e. putting all the work on this sister.  I've run into this before and found that quite a few men think that they should be able to play boss, but all the work is done by "their girls." That that is OK and they are meeting POA responsibility.  Since daughter here has no authority, no real clear knowledge health-wise, I would just let brother get on with it. Mom can harass him and meanwhile is safe.
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Thanks for all your great and enlightening responses. I hear you loud and clear. I can certainly start the ball rolling again for AL. I learned also that I’m not on my mom’s HIPAA release for ortho doc. But I wonder if he could admit her to nursing home side of this facility till we can get her in AL (if she even qualifies). Apparently, her physical therapy has plateaued in Rehab, thus the reason (I think) for trying to kick her out. That tells me
(along with text remarks my brother made) she may never walk and surgery is not an option.
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
Very sorry about  your mom.  She may be depressed about her physical situation,  BUT your brother needs to deal with this.  I think he is hoping to save money, which he will inherit, at your expense.   Just keep saying no, she cannot move in with you.  She can stay with him, or he should arrange AL.
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TW, you have NO authority, right?

Your brother and mother have systematically kept any knowledge of her condition from you.

In your shoes, I wouldn't engage with them about her care at all. "Oh, you have to talk to brother about that". " No, I can't take mother home. I don't have POA and am not knowledgable about her physical or financial conditions. Talk to brother".

Your family can't have it both ways. They are game players and sound somewhat underhanded in their dealings with you.

Have friendly visits with your mother and "allow" your brother to do the rest.
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OMG my brother busted mom out for Christmas Eve. She told me he took her to his house.
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FloridaDD Dec 2019
Keep doors locked.   Do not answer bell.   Do you live alone?
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So, now any problems that arise, are definitely his to deal with. Do not let him involve you in it.
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Mom has dementia, yes?

Verify indepently everything a dementia person tells you, especially "your brother says you have to...."
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I think you are correct not to trust your brother. He knows doc says she needs 24 hour care - he controls money, so it is HIS responsibility to get 24 hour care in place.  Why would he wait around about doing this, unless he wants to put mom on you and save inheritance? ??  I suspect if you end up with mom, nothing will get done and you will be stuck. Why stress yourself out? Why waste time on "temporary fixes" when he needs to just get permanent arrangements in place?  Mom is in a safe place, do not take her into your home, visit her for Christmas.  She should be pressuring brother to take her into his home - then I bet placement will occur rapidly.  I cannot see that you have any moral obligation to expose yourself to this kind of stress.  He needs to just get on it. A firm NO, Cannot Do This, should help him to concentrate his mind - no easy outs.
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If he controls $$$$, then leave her care in his hands. I hope you didn’t discharge her....she will never leave your home & probably considered unsafe discharge. ...will have very difficult time getting her back into any facility. I hope you had pleasant holidays despite all stress...Hugs 🤗
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Please don’t take her out of rehab!! You have answered your own questions....let golden child handle her, stay away and enjoy your family during the holidays. Let him handle this!!! You dont deserve this crap!!
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Listen to “Everything in (you)”. Leave her in rehab and be sure to explain to mom that Bro the Bighearted is in control.
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He took her out of the facility for the evening and then took her back apparently. Idk how they got away with it. Probably because she was losing her mind.

I’m definitely trying to play my cards right. My brother is not that difficult to outsmart. But they almost had me falling for it ... instead I had a great day!
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I had a similar situation with my mother. I wasn’t able to provide the care she needed and told her so. Suggested that we hire someone to come stay with her at her place, but she didn’t like idea. I talked to rehab facility and was able to “check her out of rehab” for 4 hours at a time. This allowed us to include her in family functions without pulling her from rehab.
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What is even funnier is that the Golden Child will continue to make lots more empty promises about how he'll start looking for care for mother soon, but why would he, or should he, if he has YOU to do all the grunt work for free? Yay! Then he can continue building mother's bank account he's controlling while you're rushing headfirst to an early grave. And somehow, he'll wind up looking like The Prince to everyone, including your mother, in the process!

That's how narcs operate. Like dirty, slick little Willie's always leaving others to do their dirty work.

Not this time! Willie sweet talked his way into taking mother out of rehab for the evening leaving YOU alone to enjoy a day of peace!

As long as your brother remains in control of her finances, LEAVE him in control. Do not accept any care giving duties for your mother and certainly do not agree to take her into your home or to move into her home.
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If I was you, I'd do it!! If I could have busted my mother out of the Hospice my sister put my mother in when my mom told me to, I would have done it. She knew what a Hospice was, I didn't. I didn't know that they would take her meds. and her oxygen off her and feed her sleeping aids and pain meds rather then her heart medication and oxygen. My mom begged me when I went to see her to please help her take off the bracelets, get her clothes, and help her put them on, then sneak her out the back door of the Hospice. But I didn't know, and I didn't have a car, or a wheel chair, so I told her I'd be back in two days with a friend who could help me, she weighed 300 lbs and the best I would be able to do was drag her out the back door without a wheel chair. We would have gotten caught. She was so mad at me that I was allowed to go home, while she had to stay there. I got my friend and the scooter all ready to go, called a Taxi to take us up, and before the taxi got to my door, my oldest sister called me and said Mom passed away. How I beat myself up, I blame myself, I could have saved her, if I knew, if I had what I needed to get her out of there. If you have an ounce of care in your heart for your mother, don't let it be about your brother, think of you and your mother. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain of not having done what my mother wanted when she wanted it done. I'd give anything to have her here today. I still haven't forgiven myself, I still can't get past my guilt, I could have saved her. I failed her. There is no making up for that now, and I can't get past it, I'm trying, but I can't. I just can't.
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Q: if my mom goes to a respite room at an assisted living facility temporarily being admitted to the IL section, will that affect Medicare coverage for this current injury going forward? I learned today it is broken tibia.

My mom is not Independent - she can’t even pull up in bed. Brother is coordinating respite.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2019
The care of the broken leg would be no problem but she may not qualify for rehab. That is your brothers problem really.

Mom should not be put in Independent living. She will get no help. She has to be able to do for herself. Best thing is keep her at the AL. She can receive therapy there if still needed.
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Why would your mom go to respite while she is in rehab?

More to the point, TW, since brother is POA and your are being blocked from lnowledge of mom's medical conditions, why are you bothering about this? Visit mom as a loving daughter, bring her a treat and a fancy coffee.

Let brother do the heavy lifting and decision making. You have NO responsibility here.
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Twillie Dec 2019
I know ! If she just wouldn’t talk to me about it.
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