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I was the sole primary caregiver for dad up until he died recently at home. No family support prior to his death. Days after died dad, family accused me of elder abuse for both parents via attorney's demand letter. No truth to their allegations, no grounds for litigation. This caused my PTSD to be rampant and I'm still wrecked. My sister joined the bandwagon to smear me, she's a malignant narcissistic /sociopath with a history of violence. I have gone no contact with her for many years. Caring for my parents fell on me by default. Both parents abused me as a child and only until the end, my dad finally saw me. Too late. Being disabled and on a fixed income, forced me to live with them.


Mom's still independent with her ADLs. Recent checkup deemed not incapacitated. After consulting with a geriatric counselor, doctor, social worker and attorney, they all agree I need legal protection from my sister. This is someone who went 7 months not visiting our parents, never calling mom, no relationship with her to the point of not ever acknolwedging mom's birthdays, mother's days, Christmas all the while living 5 minutes from us. Family has been after me to get me out of the way so they can declare her incapacitated and get a hold of mom's trust.


To up date mom's estate papers after dad's death, she was referred to an attorney who was a poor fit not having any experience in elder law. She totally manipulated mom, broke their contracted agreement by over charging, broke attorney-client privileged information spoke to a 3rd party without mom's consent, and withheld the invoice; all ethics violations. Plus, she gave her terrible advice despite mom telling her sibling and I are not on speaking terms. Attorney advised mom to have golden one and I jointly on her DPOA and Successor Trustee. Advanced Health Care Directive has me listed first as her agent, then my sister. I'm the executor of her will. Initially all the papers updated mom wanted me as primary agent since I live with her and take care of her, and sibling as alternate. At the notary signing appointment, attorney made a last minute switch. Mom later told me she didn't understand what she signed when making those changes. She thought putting us jointly 50/50 was about our inheritance. Mom doesn't have strong command of the English language, has a nervous personality to begin with and quick to be easily influenced. Mom's doctor intervened. He spoke to attorney but she was not receptive to the doctor's concerns having 2 daughters on non speaking terms as jointly! Attorney became accusatory and the conversation derailed.


I consulted elsewhere and attorney said we have to go back to this horrible attorney and fix these papers. I already know she's going to question mom's motives. Each time I've tried to do right by mom, it's always imploded back on me. It's also nerve wrecking being told I remain a target and family will find any reason to come after me. I'm in a constant state of anxiety, panic, self-doubt, and cry constantly. I'm hyper-vigilant, have trouble sleeping and feel awfully alone. My 2 cats died a week apart while dealing with all of this and I miss them terribly. Their deaths were sudden and unexpected. One had organ failure, the other had problems with her pancreas. Neither had any symptoms until it became apparent. I have no social life; everything is constantly about my mom's needs. I question my faith and having doubts about God.


This has consumed so much space in my head. All this constant worry and anxiety. None of this is worth the toll it has taken on my health... and I don't know how to make it better for me. How to shut off over thinking, constant anxiety, etc. not until these papers are changed, I have no way of protecting myself. Mom's doctor has been urging me I need professional help because my sister is going to make things worse.

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I hate to bring bad news but my MIL ended up in a protracted 10+ year lawsuit after her elderly relative left her a house. I regret that I allowed DH’s family to manipulate me into rescuing them from all the work the lawsuit required. I shouldered it all by myself.

The other relative who sued her accused her of elder abuse. We had independent witnesses testify on our behalf, we had the elderly relative on tape saying their wishes. Etc. Locked up tight.

In MIL’s defense, she might be a narcissist but she isn’t smart or cunning enough to do that. Plus, the elderly LO told everyone they knew at any chance they could get what their wishes were. Elderly LO had all faculties and cognition (in better shape in the 90s than I was in my 30s lol).

No abuse at all.

well, guess what? We lost at trial. The judge overturned TWO wills, the current and previous will and then inserted new people. We thought about an appeal, but I was too exhausted and we had already spent too much money. We needed to let it go even though it was costly. My point is, if your sister comes back at you after mom’s death, my advice is to settle with her and walk away. It’s not worth the lawsuit cost and stress, and apparently a judge can disregard your mom’s wishes and do what the judge wants. I pray you don’t have to go through it.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thanks for your reply. The inheritance portion isn't being changed. It's the DPOA and managing her trust. No attorney will help me deal with my sister until the papers show she is not jointly listed as part of the decision making. I totally agree with you. At some point you have to walk away. It's not worth the stress and aggravation. I was prepared to deal with her via emails to document communication when the time came....but lately she's been harassing us with phone calls and has shown she absolutely cannot be trusted taking mom on an outing.
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I’m really sorry about your cats. That is awful. HUGS
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thank you. I'm devastated. They 10 and 11 years old.
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I think that seeing a psychiatrist (for meds) and a social worker for ongoing talk therapy is the very best advice.-- from mom's doctor. Please take it!

Those of us who go to therapy are the same ones. Please don't forget that
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2023
Should be "sane" ones.
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If your mom is deemed competent she should be free to change her documents at any time and I don't get why you should have to return to the same lawyer that screwed you over to do it. I would try to find an elder law attorney who speaks your mother's language or is willing to accept a neutral party as interpreter and proceed from there.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Yes, so far she's still competent and her papers are revocable. I also don't understand why we were advised to return back to the same attorney, other than I was told we have to show she attempted. If screw up attorney doesn't help, then it's documented and mom can go elsewhere.
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You need a GOOD attorney and you need a GOOD POA, and a GOOD care contract.
Without these, and with this family and the convoluted history this will be a legal mess.

If you live with and "care for" your mother this must be legally done with meticulous record keeping you can present before a court. It is a Fiduciary duty to have the records.
If your mother is mentally incompetent you need guardianship.
If she is completely competent you need an AIRTIGHT GOOD POA putting you in charge, and a CARE CONTRACT stipulating Mom's monthly shared living costs (not rental which is reportable as income to the IRS if this is your home).

I doubt that any of us can follow all that is happening with the familial problems here; nor are we privy to documents in place, nor your mom's condition.
We also are getting your side of this story only, and it is so confused I personally have a hard time following it.

This is legal work. You need a good attorney.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thank you for your reply. I have reached out to elder law attorneys and even used a state bar referral service to no avail. This is a convoluted mess, I agree. I also don't understand why we have to return to the same attorney, that was said to me during a consultation with an attorney I had contacted to help with the behavioral issues we're having with my sister. My sister had no relationship with mom, then suddenly appeared right after dad died co-conspiring against me on elder abuse allegations. I got cleared of all of that. I'm sorry if I didn't explain this in a way that's easy to follow in my earlier post.

@MD1748 thanks for your support. The elder abuse attorneys through the state bar in my area were only for financial abuse. There is a very short list of elder law attorneys in my area. It seems like all the good ones are taken, and the ones we've had are not only sub-par for the sake of revenue, but do a sloppy job. I've since learned through the sordid ordeal of defending myself, not all elder law attorneys here practice the full scope area of the law. Meaning, the one that represented me, only did litigation. She did not draw up care giver plans, she did not do Medicaid/Medi-cal planning. She did not specialize in elder care, etc. The only one in our county that does, isn't available. I was also advised by mom's doctor not to pursue guardianship because the judge can throw out all of her papers and assign a fiduciary. Our best chance in fixing this is to remove my sister as jointly.
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Exhausted:
Responses to you have suggested that your situation is complicated, and requires an attorney.
You have replied that despite due diligence you have been unable to secure an attorney.

I must tell you, if you have family who has brought legal action against you via as you call it "an attorney's demand letter", then there is no way that WE here on Forum can help you, either.

I can only suggest you continue to seek counsel, and that when you are summoned to court, which it sounds you may be, that you go and tell the judge that you have been unable to secure legal counsel. Be certain to take along documents to prove you attempted to get counsel.

I can't really imagine what next steps might be, but I hope you will update us.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
The attorney I hired helped clear my name and the demand letter was bogus. All demands were proven to be unfounded and the accuser had fibbed so much it was outrageous. I kept 2 years worth of detailed documentation, text messages, and video that showed I was telling the truth. In addition, I had an outstanding list of character witnesses including 2 fire departments willing to provide testimony, which never came to fruition because the accusing party backed off. There was no truth. I also had a phone log of calling 911 /20 times for dad in 1 year, and phone records to show there was no abuse by his medical team. I also have records showing my sister, without my knowledge, took mom to a doctor and got her started on Donepezil which at the time she never needed. Mom almost died had it not been for my intervention! Family retaliated against me because I had to set firm boundaries with them when dad was actively dying. It's a long story and I don't want to confuse you any further if I've already had with this mess. My point is, I did nothing wrong, got my name cleared, case closed out against me. In the meantime, I continue to document everything and keep record of every expense/bill/statement should anything come into question, I can show where every penny got spent.

I'll know more next week if mom's attorney will help fix the mess she made. If not, then we can seek help elsewhere. I was advised by an attorney I have to show a paper trail as evidence we made this attempt with her attorney.

Last, these relatives did not go to the police to make their abuse case against me. Why? because in my state, it's illegal to tell a peace office of a false elder abuse claim, it's punishable by jail and fine. They used fear mongering which got them nothing.
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I can't even imagine how exhausted and frustrated you must feel. I am the only child, but my dad refuses to see the HELL that his psychopath girlfriend put us thru after moms passing in 2017 . I am not sure that he ever will. I would say getting an atty to help protect you in all of this is the best solution. Praying from Texas that things get easier for you and your mom dealing with the golden unreasonable pain in the butt sister. Have a blessed day.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thanks for your support. My mom's attorney made yet another mess of handling her papers. Police advised me to get POA, don't have to wait until she's incapacitated for them to be able to help us under the law. Attorneys I consulted with elsewhere, both of whom with 40 years experience, far surpassing mom's attorney's experience --she's just a general estate attorney--were mortified to hear how badly this attorney mishandled everything. Yesterday was supposed to be the finalized update to her papers, but once again this attorney did not advise mom for her safety and welfare and here we area again, with papers that list my sister as an alternate. It's better than jointly, but the attorneys I consulted with were adamant she had to be totally removed from all documents. I could file a complaint with our state bar, but this attorney withheld an invoice from a previous notary signing appointment where she charged mom over 1k!! At yesterday's appointment, despite being there for 1hr (just like last time) she only billed $450!! This woman has taken total advantage of mom. The other infuriarting part in all this is people from the outside, who know nothing about my sister's violent history, keep criticizing me, minimizing what I'm going through simply because she's still my "sister"......ugh!!! To those people I say there are extenuating circumstances you know nothing about, I'm not at liberty to discuss this in detail any further with you, just that I'm doing what I've been advised by law enforcement and attorneys. You cannot compare my family with how your family gets along. Who are they to judge me?
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Hi Exhausted.
You told us on the 16th that you would "know more" after your attorney appointment within that week.
Any update for us?
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thanks for the follow up. My attorney is out of the office until next month. I did consult with another attorney because of that, and she assured me my family has no legal grounds to pursue a motion against me. Mom's attorney is completely incompetent even after there was a police incident recently and my sister was escorted off our property for being a menace; mom's attorney still advised her to keep my sister on her papers! The attorney I had consulted with has 40 years experience in elder law and said she'd never, ever advise a client like my mom to put my sister on her legal documents. And she'd never ever have siblings on as jointly. Mom's updated papers at least show we are not jointly anymore. The attorney I consulted with said it sounds like there's enough now to get a restraining order. Just have to wait until I make contact with my attorney for guidance.
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SO sorry about the cats! My husband and I have lost 3 senior kitties in the past few years (8 total in the 45 years we've been married). It never gets any easier. They just don't live as long as we do, unfortunately.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thank you. I miss them so much. These 2 were my steady companions, they slept with me every night. If I wasn't ready for bed according to their "bedtime" they would get very vocal with their hurry up! meows! I already have trouble sleeping most nights, and missing them curled up next to me or on me, or fighting over who shares my pillow, pains me terribly.
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Hi,
My situation is very similar to yours, but it's my brother and thank God he lives in another country. He flew in on the day my Dad died, and had me out of the house within two days. I had been Dad and Mum's carer. He took Mum to the accountant, real estate agents and the bank within the first week. I was so devastated that my Mother went along with him. When he realised she was reluctant to sell all her assets or give him cash, he never lessened the act, he rings her every three days now (he'd go months before the $), because they have become close (my Mother's words). She is worth millions and he dictates to her how she must spend it. Her being in her 70's and from a Greek background, she is relieved to have a man tell her what to do (as my Father did their whole marriage).
I fell apart, stopped working and haven't gotten out of bed in months, it was just too much. I'd come home to look after and alcoholic abusive father and now this betrayal. I always thought that my Father was the reason that the family was so dysfunctional, but we all do the dance. I have realised that my Mother is a very manipulative woman, who lies to me every time I see her. This has been the biggest shock, her lies and it rewrites my history.
So I really feel for where you're at. Know you can get out of it, slowly, but surely.
CHANGE ATTORNEYS. Get her to change the papers and then go elsewhere, make it the priority over the next 12 months, to have the paperwork fixed. That's what I've done, like you the solicitor (I'm in Australia that's what we call them) refused some legal requirements I'd asked for- I wanted POA but she said my Mother was still capable. She's not, her English is declining, and I have to do everything for her, she gets so confused, but that was the small loss. She has made her accountant the executor of her will, I fully expect my brother to take me to court after our Mother dies so this is a relief, it shows that I haven't manipulated the will writing process.
Get a cat, you need something to distract you and give love to.
If you're not ready, I work as a house sitter sometimes, because I don't have animals and can't commit to one right now, but I look after people's homes whilst they're on holiday, its through a website called TrustedHousesitters, here's a link; (https://www.trustedhousesitters.com/refer/RAF103051/?utm_source=copy-link&utm_medium=refer-a-friend&utm_campaign=refer-a-friend)
I like it because it's a change of scenery, and I'm with animals, its for free and it's a lovely community.
Accept that the sh** will hit the fan when your Mother passes, do everything you can to make things OK for yourself and then work at letting it go. I needed counselling and got it. You, like me, come from a dysfunctional family and you may be what is called the "scapegoat" a role often assigned to one child when they're young. For your sister to be a narcissist one of your parents was?
Know that one day you will have freedom from all this, so get yourself strong, counselling, and being kind to yourself.
Your exhausted and everything is worse when we're in that condition.
I pray - I hope you have a belief system, now's the time for it. I pray that I can forgive and forget my brother and forgive my Mother so as to have some type of relationship and happiness with her before she dies.
I pray that I find peace and can be happy regardless of what other people do.
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bundleofjoy Jun 2023
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That is good that you got the paperwork changed. Your story is what happened to me. I was taking care of my BIL for 15yrs when no one stepped up to take care of him. I filled his pills because he was taking them all at one time instead of morning and night. Everything was going good I even became his representative payee for social security because he had dementia in 2018. When I didn't go to the ER one time that is when his niece and sister took it upon themselves to get a POA for medical which wasn't legal because he had dementia he couldn't sigh anything and the POA paperwork wasn't worth the paper it was printed on because the notary wasn't there to see him sign the paperwork and his witnesses weren't there to see him sign that paperwork because my husband and I were his witnesses and at that time we didn't know how that worked.

Then all hell broke out in 2021 with this POA paperwork they tried to get him proven incapacitated but the doctor would not sign the paperwork. Then they tried to get POA of his finances when that didn't work they took it out on me. I was turned into Dept of Human Services twice, once for calling him names and the second time for taking pills away from when they were set up by a nurse also they used these words "BIL eloped from his apartment both times I was unfounded but that stays on my record for 5 yrs. Then when they couldn't get me that way they turned me into social security for misuse of his social security I supposedly went on a lavish vacation with his money this was in 2022. I have been in this family for over 34yrs married to their brother but that didn't make any difference they wanted the BIL's finances and they couldn't get it from me. I was unfounded by social security that I didn't take his money. They didn't care if I lost everything that I worked for I could have went to jail. Little did they know I keep good records of everything that we did for the BIL. I was told this by the social worker who I talked to the first 2 times being turned in and by the social security worker too. My BIL landed in a NH in memory care in 2022 which I had to jump thru hoops to get him on Medicaid. Where I had to spend down his finances which I did to keep him in the NH. Then I handed everything over to the NH they became his representative payee for social security and transferred all his finances over to them and told them Heaven help you when you will be dealing with them. Because they have already told me that they would turn them into where ever because I knew too much about his medical going on which I had every right to know because I was at the time paying his bills. Since then we haven't been to see that side of the family and we live in the same city.

All I can say to you is keep good records of what you do for your mom and Heaven help you in this matter. Prayers.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Yes, what's saved me is all of my detailed records spanning the last couple years. I've maintained total transparency. It's exhausting living like this. Never knowing when the next attack will circulate back onto me, like being stranded in shark infested water.
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exhaustedcarer: I am glad to read that you did consult another elder law attorney. I'm terribly sorry about your cats. Losing your fur kids is hard. Deepest condolences.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Yes, losing them has been hitting me hard now. I'm having some type of delayed grief surface. Everything was on hold because of my dad's critical care needs all fell on me. I feel terrible I couldn't do more for my cats. I'm in an area with very limited attorneys specializing in elder law. Lots of general estate attorneys, personal injury, employment, but specific to elder law not so much. I looked at the county next over and again, no different. There were a few more under elder law, but they focused on injuries from nursing facilities, neglect, etc. My guess is there's more money to be made going have to a skilled nursing corporation than helping with family matters.
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Complain to the local Bar Association. Ask them for a list of competent lawyers in your area that deal with family law. Have all the documents redone by somebody that does not rush you or your mom or make either of you uncomfortable. Yes, you will have to pay to have this legal work "re-done" but it is worth having peace of mind and getting everything cleared up.
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exhaustedcarer Jun 2023
Thanks for your suggestions. Unfortunately, family law attorneys don't handle the situation I'm in. Our bar association has the worst rating helping with complaints about misconduct. It's just not worth the toll it's all had on my health already to keep trying to make all this right. I had to step in as DPOA for my mom yesterday (she had surgery) and the focus was on me as her agent, my sister was not contacted. At least having that jointly status removed has spared me from additional grief.
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Hi everyone, I just wanted to post an update. I had been awaiting upon the return of my attorney to pursue legal recourse against my sister for her inappropriate behavior (police involved). My attorney's office had communicated they would help soon as attorney returned and that I should wait. Now I'm told they will not be taking on new cases and advised to seek counsel elsewhere. I was given a litany of excuses, none of them had anything to do with me....They wasted 3 weeks of my time. Had I not called to inquire on the status of my restraining order, how much longer would they have delayed informing me? Just a rotten thing to do. The only advisement I received was to go no contact with family until I have further guidance. I realize none of you can help me, but just wanted to share how challenging it is to get help when there is such a shortage of attorneys specific to elder care needs...at least especially in my area.
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Llamalover47 Jul 2023
exhaustedcarer: Thank you for your update.
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I consulted with the attorney today who said he'd help us once mom had gotten her papers in order. The good news, having my sister part of my mother's papers, albeit separate alternate agent, is not a detriment to addressing her behavior. The bad news, costs upwards of $20, 000 to file for a restraining order via attorney. It's also a lengthy process; it can take several months or longer. If not done correctly, I am at risk for paying my sister's out of pocket attorney fees/legal fees, etc., especially if the RO is not granted. All is pending on the police report; if there's sufficient documentation, then I have grounds to pursue RO. That's my next step, getting the report......it's not a total lost cause if I'm unable to pursue a RO. I still have a lot working in my favor. What's most assuring, is knowing my family has no grounds to come after me again based on the feedback by an elder law attorney. At this point, I have spent thousands already in my defense to clear my name. It's mind boggling how much I have to keep proving and fending for myself, yet those who act deplorably walk away without any consequence. There is one alternative: self-help option to file for a restraining order at the courthouse with free help, but, free help is very limited. They only operate 2 business days, only 3 hours (!!), and first come/first serve bases.

If anyone had any success obtaining a RO, please let me know how was your experience.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Wow. The cost of 20,000 for filing a restraining order? I cannot see how that can be the case. That seems so outrageous. I do know that typically people, women usually, have to get RO out against abusive partners. I think that it starts with a temporary RO and then can move to permanent in court, but I never heard there is a cost of 20,000. That seems so very high.
Thanks for keeping us updated. Hope someone has experience to share with you.
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Update: Went to the PD today, and for the 3rd time given wrong information. I was expecting to receive full scope of audio/video and documentation, instead I was given a very short print of the 911 call. What's even more infuriating, transcript did not reflect what I said in its entirety nor was it transcribed accurately. When I informed the clerk what responding PO had said that all footage/audio would be available for release, she shook her head and said cops don't know what they're talking about. Yesterday, another clerk told me release of footage would have to be approved by their supervisor....today, this clerk told me an attorney has to subpoena them through the court to obtain any footage. I would have to pay a hefty fee to the police department in addition to whatever the attorney charges. Then, he'd have to view the footage, and discern for himself if there's enough to pursue a restraining order, that's another $$$$$ billed for his time....I already shared yesterday how outrageously expensive obtaining a RO is.....just stunned by today's turnout and how quickly this has turned into a huge cost.
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AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Wow, I am thinking maybe you should consider that option you mentioned yesterday of going no contact. I wonder if you can't also put cameras like EVERYWHERE. Just everywhere.
So sorry you are going through this but I am just thinking you are looking at 100,000 and a sister who as you said can talk a good talk. She is undoubtedly delighted you are going through all this, and will let you do it and ruin yourself and your sanity. One mean sister + one expensive lawyer =s losing my mind I am thinking.
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