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I wanted to let everyone know that my husband went in the hospital on Nov 27th and just came home from a rehab skilled nurses faculty a few days ago. He has full cirrhosis and copd with a ambulical arterial aneurism at a 4.7.


So while he was gone, my daughter and I cleaned the house and changed around the furniture, stopped all smoking inside of house and no alcohol at all.


since my husband has been home he was great the first 4 days and yesterday started to get grouchy, and yesterday he did not put his smoking patch on all day, until finally went out to smoke, now he is smoking and started to smoke in the house; I quickly put a stop to that, I don’t want it in the house any longer.
today he has been overly verbally mean, so I just ignore most of it.


I feel like alcohol is around the corner, just praying for it not to be. I love my husband of 34 years married and been together for 37. This is so hard


I have not filed for disability yet, I am not sure which way to go, with ssn disability or with a attorney to help him (lol no money)
hopelessly hopeful
Gina

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Gina,
I am so very sorry for your situation. That is a tough one.
I know someone will be along with some wise words for you, hang in there.
I will keep you in my prayers,
May God help you through this and show you what to do.
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I am so sorry for what you are dealing with Gina. After all you've been through, he has some nerve being verbally abusive. Go see an Elder Care Attorney to get advice about how to proceed. That seems like the best course of action at this point.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer that things work out to your advantage and you find some peace with all that's going on.
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I can relate. When i try to stop my dad from smoking in the house, he doesn't like it either.
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How does he get cigarettes? Does he go out for them? If he is unable to go out, someone must be bringing them to him. Ditto alcohol. If it's not in the house and he can't go out, he can't have it.

I know these are simplistic answers to a very complicated issue. Hugs and serenity for what's coming.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
Good point.
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He will be an alcoholic whether he is drinking or not, there is a term called dry drunk.

I would suggest that you take a minute to go to soberrecovery.com the family & friends section, lots of great help there.

Take care of you.
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So, he has a patch and refused to wear it. Oh boy, his addiction is severe.

You have every right to no longer want smoking or alcohol in the home. He’s struggling. Is there someone that he can speak to? He should not be taking his frustrations out on you but he is. That isn’t fair to you.

You’re going to have to follow your heart and gut on this one. You can’t allow him to destroy you so if you feel like in order for you to live in peace you must leave, then do it.

Have you ever gone to Alcoholic Anonymous. Al Anon, the group targeted for family members? Try it. See what others have done. You may gain insight from their perspective.
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Lymie61 Jan 2020
His denial sounds pretty severe too!
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It is said and often advised that a person can file for SSDI on their own.
However, when a person applies for disability, a huge percentage of SSDI cases are denied.
The details, paperwork, and stress to fight an appeal can take it's toll. I recommend a Social Security Specialist attorney. And it could take time (year).

Specialty disability attorneys take the case without any money, and are paid through SS. The amount they can charge is limited by SS. I believe that they charge nothing if not approved. (however, the applicant pays the disability doctors needed to document the case, plus his doctor's letters and copies of medical records-not a lot of money). He is going to need the income.

You have every reason to be hopeful Gina.
Hope for hubs to reach the end of himself and stop drinking and smoking.
Hope that he can enter a drug and alcohol treatment program, because tell him, YOU JUST DON'T DO GROUCHY.
Hope that attending Alanon can help you understand the disease and how you can cope for yourself. And if it comes to saving yourself how to get support when you need to leave.
Hope that there will be a good life for you whether you stay together or walk alone.

You are in a perfect position to strongly influence him, and the timing is perfect to do so.

Add up the cost of cigarrettes, and secure an equal amount for yourself.
What he spends, you take equal for yourself. This levels the marital finances.
Soon he may understand the cost is not only his health or his life, but financially he cannot survive or support the marriage.
Open your own savings account now.
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So he is trying to quit alcohol and smoking at the same time? Wowza...one of those is challenging enough. I have not walked in your shoes but I know how incredibly irritable my son gets when he hasn't smoked in a while. Among other things, your hubby needs all the advantages he can get to help him quit and for you to keep your sanity. Is there any chance he can be prescribed Chantex? I sincerely wish you and he much peace and success!
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
That’s true, even addiction counselors will recommend to not quit everything all at once.
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For disability you could start with a lawyer. He may ask you to file and if turned down then he will take over. You do not pay the lawyer. He is paid thru SS so you need to find a lawyer who has experience with them.
My nephew was turned down so I had a lawyer for the appeal. He was ok'd on the appeal. He was given a retro payment from the time of his first application. The lawyer was given 15 % of that for his work and nephew got the remainder. I think its now 25%.

You need to get all his doctor's records together. Maybe going back as far as when he was first diagnosis. The application will tell you what is needed and the lawyer can help. Don't wait to apply.
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Sendhelp Jan 2020
Agree, the lawyer is paid through SS, an accumulated amount of benefits due - from your benefits. A small price to pay, imo.

I forgot to clarify when I posted below, that the funds for the lawyer, even though paid through SS, are taken from your husband's benefits.

Another thing: When you are required to appear at the SS Office, to bring the checking account info for automatic deposit (a cancelled/voided check sample), there may be an accrued amount, representing the benefits due since the time of his first application. It is at this time that SS often will not want to give that much money to disabled persons; (Can they responsibly handle that money, or spend it on alcohol?) and SS will want to assign you as "Rep-Payee" on behalf of the beneficiary. You will receive his funds to handle for his benefit, and be required to have a separate account: (payable to wife for husband) and he cannot be allowed to have access to these funds. So the funds will make sure your mortgage or rent are paid, by you managing his benefits.

In California, I am no longer required to fill out a "Rep-Payee Report" once a year for my husband. He has returned to part-time work, but still receives benefits, so I fill out a "Work Activity Report" for SS. He remains disabled for life, but can earn up to a certain amount before they, SS, declare him no longer disabled. (Under the determination that he can or cannot earn a living wage due to his disability.) Just FYI.

Hope this was helpful.

Thanks to JoAnn for explaining that. And, I second JoAnn's advice:
"Don't wait to apply."
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Your husband is young for all his problems. All caused by the cigarettes and alcohol. I am assuming his life expectancy is not good with full cirrhosis. I think at this point a compromise instead of fighting over it. Do u have a deck or a porch? If so, tell him thats were he can smoke. Alcohol, not sure if this can be a compromise. Once they start drinking, its hard to have just one.

You husband is a grown man. He knows that his addictions are going to kill him. You might need to put yourself in that mind set. He is going to do what he wants. Just tell him you love him and you will miss him when he is gone. Your going to stress ur self out trying to change him.

So sorry u need to go thru this.
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Don't know all your history but I think it would be very helpful if he could go to AA meetings. I believe they would say one can do almost anything else,within reason if they don't drink.

Then if you could let him smoke but only outside it might be easier. It is asking a great deal of someone to quit both right away. I don't like smoking in the least and find it hard to even be around someone if I smell it on them. I have a very sensitive sense of smell. This being said drinking to excess or at all if an individual is deemed to be an alcoholic is generally worse. It also involves more legal complications. I wish you strength as you cope with this difficult situation in your life.
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