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My mother-in-law has a history of mental illness. Truth be told, it had a very large and negative impact on my husband throughout childhood and teenage years. She has a pattern: work becomes "overwhelming" and she stops going. She becomes paranoid about people coming into her house. She isolates herself and starts turning off services (phone, TV, etc.) to lower her bills. Eventually she is institutionalized against her will. All of these times, she has had a boyfriend to financially take care of things.

Fast forward to present day. My mother-in-law broke up with her boyfriend of 16 years because they had planned to move to another state and he actually wanted to follow through with it. He started building a house there in preparation for their retirement. At the last minute, she decided not to move and she broke up with him. A few months later, work became "too much" for her, so she stopped going and decided to retire. She believes she has a physical disability preventing her from working, but she spends her days gardening, crafting, and redecorating her house. She is only 62 years old, and she spent much of her life underemployed or working under-the-table, so she is only receiving $900/month in Social Security. Her mortgage alone is $1,500/month with $7,000/year in property taxes. My husband is sick over this situation and has many sleepless nights. A year has sinced passed, and we assumed she at least had some savings she was living off of, but we found out over the holidays that she only has $7,000 in the bank, no retirement money, and she is only getting $900/month income. We were shocked! She is literally in danger of losing her home within 3 months. My husband and his two brothers recently tried an intervention with her, telling her she needs to go back to work part-time, get a roommate, or sell her house and move into a subsidized Senior apartment. She absolutely refuses to do any of this. Her boyfriend is now with another woman, so no chance of him coming back.

My husband’s brothers believe it is their duty to ensure she doesn’t “lose” the house. Rather than confronting their mother’s mental illness and trying to get her help, they would rather split her bills 3 ways and pretend there is no problem. One of them just lost his job, and the other is fresh out of grad school, unemployed, and a stay-at-home dad living in a small apartment. We are all lower middle-class. My husband and I are currently living with my parents and attempting to save up to buy a house.

My feeling is that paying my mother-in-law’s bills allows her to keep living in a fantasy land. It isn’t a sustainable situation. Are we supposed to pay her bills for the rest of her life so she can live in a 3-bedroom house all by herself making crafts all day? I feel like this is taking away money from us that we could be putting into our own retirement accounts, money for our own (future) children and our own lives. I feel it is selfish. My husband is on board with me, but he is from an Italian family that will (in his words) think he’s a piece of trash if he doesn’t “help her out” which basically means support her.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. She refuses to seek mental help, thinks nothing is wrong, and says we’re all “ganging up” on her and she worked hard her whole life and now deserves to retire in her home. She is a very nice person, but this situation is making me despise her. She has little equity in her house, only $30,000 or so. She has taken out multiple mortgages over the years. My husband's two brothers live far away, so the brunt of tackling this situation is falling to us.

Advice?

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I'm reading that the three brothers think they should split her bills 3 ways, but one lost his job and the other is an unemployed stay at home dad, so I assume they all expect your husband to carry the whole load (but only temporarily, they would help out if only they could!)
If you choose to support her I have a feeling you would be on the hook for the rest of her life, which could easily be 25 or more years. Better to let the chips fall where they may... a good son should be expected to look into affordable housing and help her move, not sacrifice his own plans and future to support a lifestyle she can not afford.
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Stand your ground! Better for husband to be thought a jerk by some relatives than to be divorced and broke!

I feel sorry for people who have mental illnesses. I really do. My heart goes out to MIL. She did not ask for or engineer this disease. It is very unfortunate no one has stepped in and forced the issue of diagnosis and treatment. She shouldn't have been raising children with this untreated disease! If the brothers got together and confronted her instead of enabling her that MIGHT be worth the effort.

In spite of feeling sorry for her, I don't see how it would be an improvement to pull her sons into her misery.

My mother lived on $800 a month SS. She lived in a comfortable subsidized senior apartment, she bought her clothes at thrift stores. She went with her sister to Bingo nights for entertainment. She was content. It really is possible if one is careful. Your MIL has options other than relying on her boys. Your husband's role should be to help her discover the options and help her implement them. Help her sell her furniture? Yes! Help her apply for senior housing? Yes! Help her move? Absolutely! Pay for her to stay in an untenable situation? No, no. no!

Stand your ground, dear. This is very sad. But it is Not Your Fault.
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7k a year for property taxes sounds very high for a three bedroom house. Are you sure of that number? Is she receiving other public assistance that you may not know about? All that aside, you are right you need to be saving for your own house, and your own retirement. Italian? Who cares. The brothers probably all feel the same way and maybe will not say so. Time for MIL to take care of her own business, sell her house, find subsidized housing. Her son's have been bailing her out an enabling her to continue self destructive behaviors. They need to make it clear to mom they will not do it. Too bad the boyfriend was in the picture for so long. It will be hard for her to accept she is not going to be taken care of by anyone any longer.

By any chance is she a hoarder?
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Have you ever heard of a condition called Anosognosia? It's the inability of someone to realize or accept that they have an illness or disorder. It's quite common with people who have psychiatric disorders. So, if that is what she has, there is no amount of convincing that will bring her around, cause her to listen to you, etc. She is okay in her mind and unless someone is appointed by the court, to handle her affairs, it's not likely to change. Of course, a medical and mental exam might confirm just what is going on with her.

I'm not sure how much influence you have with your husband, but, I'd try to get him on board as to exploring if she has this condition. Maybe, then, he can come to terms with a long range plan. If he wants to split the cost of the mortgage, he should see an attorney or accountant, because, unless they own the house by deed, then, all that money they are spending is not going to prevent her from selling it without their permission or knowledge or getting their share of the house, if she dies. She could have a Will that leaves the house to someone else. Unless, she's incompetent, she could leave the house to anyone she pleases. There are just so many ways their investment in the house could go south and they'd lose every dime. Plus, with multiple mortgages, he would likely get little to nothing, even if she left him as a beneficiary. Maybe, husband just needs to sit down with a calculator, look at the numbers and get the straight news from a professional.

Depending on just how ill and unable your MIL is, your husband may explore the idea of petitioning the court to be appointed her Guardian. I'd seek legal advice to see what evidence is required. See an experienced litigation attorney who handles Competency cases. Also, ask just what is involved. If appointed Guardian over her fiances and healthcare, he could then sell property and handle her affairs. It sounds like it's a huge job though, based on your description of your MIL. Managing a resistant person who is self destructive would be extremely challenging, imo.

I hope you find some answers. Please post as to how things go.
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I have the full support of my husband. He's only half Italian and just feels guilty about the entire situation. We can't afford to support her, and his unemployed brothers are making him feel like a jerk for not considering a split of her financial support. He also fears his 100% Italian uncles will think he's awful. But he has told me that if it means his brothers no longer speak to him, so be it. They aren't close anyway. If he WAS on board with supporting her for the rest of her life due to her making bad choices, it'd be a deal breaker for me, as in I'd leave him. We are not rich people and we can barely afford to support ourselves. Saving money for a house has been an epic undertaking that is taking us a long time. I'll be damned if he's going to spend our savings on floating his mentally unwell mother while she lives in a house she doesn't need. Living with her isn't an option because my husband refuses due to the bad memories her mental illness brings up for him. He wouldn't be mentally well himself if he had to deal with her paranoia full time. just going over for a dinner visit stresses him out to no end. 
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If you were to "help" financially, you would be enabling her to live in her fantasyland just like if she were using drugs to get there. Something is wrong and she won't change until she hits rock bottom. Since she's been institutionalized before, that's probably where she's going to go at some point. At that time, you can seek guardianship by **the state** so no one can blame you for any thing. The state will make sure she is taken care of properly, maybe not the way she likes. And family can go visit and honestly say, I can't do anything to fix this, sorry. Let her fail on her own .
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You absolutely have a say in this. It is your money too and it is also your future. First, your MIL needs to determine which of her sons will be her financial and medical POA. Whichever one of them becomes her POA has no authority to spend your money or make any demands of you. Her POA will be in charge of her money and, once the house is sold, there will be a lot of it. Her POA will put her on a budget and, if she blows through all that money, her POA will file her paperwork for Medicaid and whatever else she's entitled to from having worked in the State of Connecticut. This has nothing to do with being Italian, half Italian, or anything like that. That is a bunch of "Old World" hogwash used to manipulate people.
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Kathleen, I'm with the other posters, DO NOT contribute to this disaster! As you have stated, it will not end well. But in fairness, no matter what you do now, it will not end well. One thought, personally, I feel that her sons should be clear with her. Put her financial situation in writing, large type income and expenditures. Figure out how long that $5000 nest egg will last and show her the timeline of when she will be out of resources. Ask her how she plans to live at that point. AND each son should be clear that he is unable to help financially or by having her move in. Present alternatives at that point. Subsidized housing (get the applications, complete them and have them ready for her to sign). Take in two boarders, one for each room. Have the ad ready to place. (Even this step won't take her very far.)
I've been a caregiver to 3 relatives one passed at 101, another at 98 and the 3rd is 100. If your MIL reaches those ages, how can the sons pay out all of those sums for 38 years?? What a mess, chin up- As long as you and your husband are in sync, you will be able to tough it out.
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We live in Connecticut. The property taxes out here are VERY VERY high. Her house is tiny and in an overdeveloped area. I don't foresee much growth as an investment.
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Kathleen, stand your ground. If necessary, the state will become her guardian.
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