Follow
Share

I've been living with her for five years. She is a hoarder and refuses to let me clear the house of old clothes and other items she hoards. She is abusive to me both mentally and physically and I'm always having to walk on eggshells to get along with her but she enjoys her episodes she berates me for any money I ask for. I took early retirement and draw a small check, but most times I spend very little on myself and try to buy the cleaning and household and grocery with my check. She suffered a facial stroke last month and refused to go to doctor. She doesn't bathe properly and has eczema. She wants me to take care of banking, handbills and won't give me POA because she says I'm stupid all the time. She has pushed me, spit on me, slapped me, and has called police a couple of times and told them I was abusive to her and I was on drugs. I need help on this. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home and I'm willing to stay with her but she says she wants to die all the time and doesn't want to die alone. Need help I'm living in hell.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Remind me why you're there?

To help your mother? You've been there five years, and how has her situation improved?

Nothing will get better until you step back, move out, sort your own life out, and then find help to support you in her care. You took early retirement - when? Are you still in touch with your former workplace?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You are enabling her abuse. She treats you worse than dirt and you thank her by doing absolutely everything for her. You need to find some self-respect and as Country Mouse says, find a job and move out. If her living situation is so horrific, call Adult Protective Services and let them handle her. She is mentally unstable.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I agree with the others. Why do you stay?? Get out of there as soon as possible and figure out another situation for you mom. She doesn't want to go to a nursing home? Who does? If she's in a nursing home then you can visit her as much or as little as you like AND you get to go home where there is peace and no abuse.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow...you need to leave. Or, wait till she actually has you arrested or physically harms you.

get out of there....your life probably depends on it.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Why in the world would you want to live with someone who abuses you both physically and mentally? Ask yourself this..would you accept this treatment from a friend? If the answer is no, then get your life together and move out.

Call APS and if she physically attacks you again call 911 on her.

This is crazy, you appear to be very codependent and an enabler, there is no answer as long as your stay there, as both of you will continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result...it just doesn't work that way.

Stand up and be counted, take your life back, she needs to be placed somewhere, she is mentally unstable. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Do not take abuse! Don't do anything for her that she can do herself. If she calls you names or hits you, let her know you will not be back to help her. Ever. And leave.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Another vote for you to realize you are a co-dependent and enabler. Please get help for yourself. Get out of that environment and away from your mom's abuse. Then call APS and move on. You won't be abandoning her, you can talk to your mom on the phone but if you stay you keep both of you in a sick place. I wish you courage to do what's best for yourself.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Please read this thread and take it's wisdom to heart.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm

Stop trying to do the same thing over and over while getting abuse. Do something entirely different like leave for your own preservation which is not selfish, but is self defense. Look up Fear, Obligation and Guilt. See if you see yourself as being in bondage to it? Your mother is not going to change. You didn't make her that way. You can't fix her and you for sure can't control her. Do put yourself on a healthier path and let her take responsibility for herself.

I wish you the best!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your profile says that your mom is 87 and has "alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, and depression." Plus, she has had and has other health issues. Knowing that I now think that her Alzheimer's has advanced way beyond what you can handle. As someone has already said, call Adult Protective Services, tell them what is going on plus the abuse you are experiencing as well as that you can no longer deal with this and are leaving for your own safety and care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

No One has the Right to Abuse YOU. It doesn't matter who they are your mom, dad, siblings or whoever!!! You deserve better!

Your mom treats you this way because you let her. I agree with others on here that you are co-depended and you are trying to get something from your mom that she just simply doesn't have or won't give to you. I know this is hard...believe me...my mother hates me and tried to verbally and emotionally abuse me when I moved in with her. I fought back..I didn't call her names, but I sure put her in her place and let her know I wasn't putting up with it. Had it continued, I would have moved out.

We teach people how to treat us.

Unfortunately, there are so many of us...to many that have mothers who are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.

Move out!!!
Hugs!!!

I know this is painful and it just sucks. Please read the advice and think long and hard because you really are letting someone break you:(

May God give you strength and courage to save yourself in the name of Jesus. Amen
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

ONe pair of underwear disappears... One old shirt with holes ends up.. somewhere not in home.... just a bit... Or, Just place the things she doesns't wear, in a box. stock it up in a corner of the spare room or garage...

Food? grocery store? Look up Meals on Wheels.. see if they can help if the store is too far....

Cleaning supplies? The can double... Cascade for dishwasher can be used on kitchen sinks. stove tops, bathtubs...

Cast Iron pans, lemons and salt..

Plan on buying chicken in bulk... Cook it up, cool it down. throw in refrigerator. Cut it up, debone it. separate stock from meat. Use meat for BBQ chick sanwiches, fettacini alfredo with cooked chicken, chicken soup, enchilada pie with bits of chicken, chicken salad sandwich. chicken stock, sip on the in the AM, kind of helps fill you up til lunch time.

Frozen fruit, chop it up and throw it in yogurt or oatmeal.....

Wants to die... When God decides, and if you keep acting this way MOM.. I will ask him for you, sooner than later, Ma... *sorry)

Slap me? ;Ouch Mom, should I call the police? 2 wrongs don't make a right mom. please stop....

Screaming? close the door and turn up the radio.

Call social services and ask for advise, and ask for guidance, and where to get actual physical help.
Ask her doctor for palliative care and hospice evlauation... That should actually work.;.....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

You stay, because you would feel deeply guilty.. ;I get it... So don't go. Call her doctor, ask for evaluation for palliative care, hospice... ASK FOR UTI TEST.. THAT messes up the brain.

She is scared of losing independance... Get THE POA. Some courts have students who need "practice".. Find out if anyone can help you with a POA, or guardianship of adults.
Hygienically SHE CANNOT DO THIS HERSELF.. MAKE THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT, AND STAY WITH HER...Tell doctor all that. Get her physical. Get her to doctor, get a baseline on her for the future. Make yourself known to her doctors. Are you the one and only taking care of her????

ARE YOU THE ONE AND ONLY....? If not, bring the other family members into this issue, let them know what you are going through.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your story is awful. Please place her in a facility. You can’t go on like this. Do you know what this reminds me of? Battered wives syndrome. In that situation the husband has gaslighted the wife so badly that she believes she is deserving of the beating. She desperately tries to please her spouse. I’ve known women like this. It’s horribly sad.

You do not have to put up with abuse. You are reaching out for help. I strongly urge you to follow the advice of the posters who say to leave this relationship.

Call a social worker or anyone else that can advise you on what to do. Call her doctor as well. Inform them of her behavior.

Sending you a bazillion hugs!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter