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My mother is 87, has severe diabetes and doesn’t hear well at all even with hearing aids. There are so many examples of the problem but I’m told I’m over sensitive. Maybe I am. We go out once a week, she asked to drive to a neighboring city and go to thrift stores and a restaurant. I’ve taken her places in town at her insistence but I told her I didn’t feel comfortable taking her to a city with twice as many covid cases especially to thrift stores. I said I would never forgive myself if she got sick. She said if she asked, it shouldn’t matter. Said I was trying to control her and said do you want to go out or not. I said not to another city but we could get together. She angrily said fine, bye, then held the phone for several minutes and I didn’t say anything and she hung up. I thought that was childish and I guess I called her bluff so she hung up. Now she’s not speaking to me and I know she’s very stressed because she gets stressed so easily and it’s not good for her. I haven’t called though. I went by her house and she went out on her own so I knew she was somewhat ok. She tells me how I feel so I’m always trying to seem fine so she doesn’t go on about I’m tired or feeling bad or in a bad mood. She tells me what I do wrong, decisions I make are ridiculous. I bought gifts to help with hearing aids, etc and she threw it at me because it made her feel old, I guess. She does it like she’s kidding but she’s not. I’m moving to another state and she needs to go because there’s no one else she’ll let help her. At times, I’m the best thing in the world and she says she doesn’t know what she’d do without me and I know she loves me but she hates being old and needing someone to help her. She plans to move with me but wants to build and has no credit, has a house to sell, etc. Makes it very complicated but the pressure is all on me to make it work. She’ll probably say she’s not moving now since she’s mad. I do have siblings but she’s estranged from my sister and wouldn’t ask my brother to do things like she does me and he wouldn’t want to. I understand feeling helpless and lonely at times but I do everything for her. Why would she so easily get so angry at me or take it out on me anyway? It’s going to be a huge deal when we talk. She’ll be extremely upset snd she might have misunderstood something I said with her hearing so bad. She did once and after days of stewing, she accused me of saying something I’d never say to her and it took a lot to make her believe she was mistaken (or say she must be). I should have gotten the benefit of the doubt. How she could have thought the worst of me is beyond me. I’ve never talked bad to her. I try to tell her things to help with diabetes and she starts shaking her head no mid sentence or raising her hand to speak (ridiculous) and she’s grinning and says when did you get your medical license. I try to get her to take care of poa, will etc and she thinks because she’s written it down and witnessed so she says it’s taken care of but I’m not so sure but regardless, she says she’ll be dead so it won’t bother her. We can deal with it. I think that’s hateful! She’s usually a loving person but was treated like crap by my father and maybe that’s why she’s doing scared someone’s going to tell her what to go. I’m a wreck tho and have problems of my own to deal with. I love her and want to be there for her but I feel like her doormat at times and on a pedestal at other times. How should I handle? If I’m being too sensitive, tell me, please. I’m scared if I tell her this stuff, she’ll get stressed and have a stroke or something. I have a similar situation with my sister so I keep that all in too and I’m going to explode. Sorry so long.

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Write down what you need to say to your mom. Unload it all on paper or computer. It does wonders to help your own stress levels.

Now, as to what you tell your mom, I'd say to pick your battles. You didn't mention dementia with your mom, so I'm going to assume she's cognizant enough to understand what she's saying and doing.

That said, she knows what to do and not do with her diabetes, so back off. She's making her own choices about that. As far as taking her thrifting, you have every right not to expose YOURSELF unnecessarily to Covid, so tell her she can get an Uber to take her thrifting, but you choose not to do that.
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Oh boy, you have been through the mill with your mom, haven’t you?

Many of us have dealt with challenging situations with our moms.

I am so sorry. It hurts. It’s hard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get any easier.

You are not unreasonable. You aren’t overly sensitive.

Don’t own any of the labels that she tries to place on you.

Don’t allow her to make you feel as if you are trying to control her.

She probably knows full well that you are being protective of her.

She wants things ‘her’ way! Am I correct? My mom was the same way with me when I cared for her.

Your mom doesn’t like not having life as it was before COVID-19. Guess what? We all want to go back to pre-COVID times!

Look at her future living situation carefully. Consider ALL options for her. Then discuss it.

Does she have any major concerning health issues at this time?

Tell us a bit more please. She sounds quite spirited! Kind of fun to run around with in shops and eating out! Very independent spirit except now she needs your assistance.

I don’t doubt that you love her. Your caring nature comes through in your post.

Nevertheless, it is frustrating, right? Siblings aren’t always able to help or they aren’t interested in helping.

Let’s not forget that if a daughter is involved, it’s the daughter who seems to do the most.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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I’m not sure I’m posting this in the right place but lady asked for more info. My mother does have severe diabetes and is very hard of hearing so I go with her to appointments, etc. sometimes she allows me to go in with her and sometimes not. I get all her meds ordered, show her how to give insulin, etc. She’s incredibly stubborn and definitely wants things her way. She drives a little only in town we live in.
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