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Mom is currently in an assisted living facility in Oh and has been for a year since Dad passed away. We would like to move her to TX as there are no relatives visiting her in OH. She uses a walker and has some dementia. She is ambulatory but needs help getting up steps, into vehicles, etc. We're thinking that paying a nurse whom she knows from her current facility to fly with her might be the best course. The other issue is it is going to be very difficult to get her to agree to come. We realize change is not in her makeup so thoughts on that might be helpful as well. I am an only child, and in her eyes this whole situation is my fault. Heard this before?

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Mom could but should not fly alone. With prior arrangements the airlines will make sure she makes the flight.Having someone with her would be a better idea. Some people I knew wanted to tae their Mom on an extended trip and rented an RV which worked out very well.
If she is well cared for and content where she is why not leave well enough alone.
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If it's going to be very difficult to get her to agree to come, I question whether it is a good idea to move her.

Visits from relatives - especially relatives she's close to and is used to spending a lot of time with; does that describe you? - would be lovely, of course. But it is possible to overestimate their value to your mother. A good facility, caring people on the staff, familiar surroundings and continuity in her environment would all beat a weekly (say) visit from family hands down.
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This clearly needs more explanation. The main reason to move her is to keep her mind and body active. The facility has many residents and she tries to create her own activity by walking the halls for exercise. They don't have time to give her much special attention. She loves to go outside but easily gets turned around so they must have a wander bracelet on her at all times. The doors lock as soon as she gets near them. The only time she can get out is when the Home Healthcare my husband and I hire send the HS girl out to walk with her or take her to lunch and a little necessary shopping. We can only afford about 3-4 hours a week. Mom was a teacher and relates well to younger, active people. However, the drawback is those younger people go on to college and their own lives after a few months and she loses a friend. Those are things I could so easily do with her if she were close. Of course, familiarity is my concern. Another difficulty is keeping tabs on things that happen during the course of days and weeks. There is only so much one can check from 1200 miles away. About all I can do is pay the bills.
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In that case, try pushing the facility to provide more enrichment activity and, in a sort of pincer attack, perhaps get in touch with your mother's former school/s and see if you can't interest them in recruiting befriending volunteers among the older students (voluntary work in facilities is excellent resumé material for those aiming for medical or nursing careers, for example). I shouldn't worry too much about the constant turnover of young people - that's a pattern that she will have been used to for the whole of her professional life.

You don't say, and I certainly wouldn't mean this as a criticism anyway, but when did you last spend much time with your mother? If she is already in need of a wander bracelet then her dementia sounds quite advanced. I appreciate the frustration of it but I really think it can't be in her best interest to move her at this point.
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"Some dementia" will turn into more dementia. If she's all alone in Ohio and you can find a facility near you in Texas where you can get her into a respite stay situation for a month or two, perhaps you can try it out and see how she likes it. And you can see her more also.
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Your concerns are valid, but, I think that I might also consider some other factors when making your decision. She would definitely need a travel companion. Based on your description, I'd ensure that the aid is well trained in working with dementia patients. They may get overwhelmed, confused, and scared in a strange place like airport/plane. I'd make sure the aid knows how to handle that.

Is she in a regular AL or a Memory Care unit?

I'd also consider the walking that you describe. Often dementia patients walk incessantly, for no apparent reason. A Secure Memory Care facility would likely have an outdoor area, but, they all still require direct supervision when outside. I'd also consider that as they progress, they may not be as amused shopping, visiting, etc. as she has in the past. Of course, it depends on the person and their progression. You would know what she is still able to do.

I think that it's traditionally viewed as a negative to move a person who has dementia, I think it depends on the circumstances. If you have an ideal situation, I'd consider if that will happen again.

If you do decide to move her, I'd make sure that you have one that will accommodate her lined up. A regular AL often doesn't address the needs of a person with significant dementia.

And, if she's receiving Medicaid, that's another issue, if she moves to another state.

I had to move my LO due to her needing a higher level of care and it went fine.  
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My mother who has just begun the downward spiral into dementia could no more handle a plane flight or long car trip than she could a trip to the moon. And changing your mother's entire way of life may be not worth the upset in the short OR long run.

If you can afford to pay for aides, and that is working, then continue to do so. Perhaps contact family or friends of hers and ask them to pay visits--once someone is in a facility, nursing home or ALF, they often just are "forgotten" by others. You may need to gently persuade them.

If she is already a "wanderer"...that isn't going to get better. And a move to a new state, entirely new facilities (I assume you aren't taking her in with you?) may just be unbearable.

It's hard to long distance "manage" care like this. Perhaps it's time for a visit back to Ohio and see for yourself the situation firsthand. See what you can facilitate for her now.

Best of luck--I know this must be hard.
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There are many things to concider with your mom. Yes, having loved ones in your life is very important no matter who you are, but caring for the sick and handicap is no picnic. You have to be willing to give up life as you know it to care for that person. Moving her to a new care facility, so family can see her, spend time with her, is a good thing, if you research facilities and ensure that what they provide is better than what she has. My dad moved from Michigan to Arizona to my sisters home. My brother-in-law provide 24 hour care while my sister worked. I will say it strained the marriage a bit, but the did it for over 10 years, dad had dementia. My husband and I moved from Ohio over a year ago. My husband had a major stroke, yes some brain injuries. I moved him from our families to get some help, get a one story home for him, but also to be close to my retired half of my family, for help. I do need a time out now and then because I am his 24 hour, 7 days a week care giver. People with kids and jobs dont have time. To answer your question concider everyting, her, your family and you, because your about to change everyones life.
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Is there any reason you cannot fly to her & fly back w her. Seems that might be more joyful & distracting to have her only child as her flying partner. I also would advise having a sleeping aide pill w you or before flying. Much depends on person. You realize you must step into her world not your adjustable world. Must have great patience. Remember she cannot adjust in her world. What she thinks is. You just agree & love abounds. After 63 yrs of marriage & 9 years of hubby's alz have realized life is much better if I agree & praise him for even small things. Think of your self as her how you'd like your only child to treat you. God be w you in your decision.
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Another thing to consider is that all of the visits you think that mom would get if she is in the same city from various family and friends may not actually happen. People are busy and if they do visit, they may feel uncomfortable with some dementia behavior. Most Memory Care visitors that I see are immediate family. (Usually adult children only.) The local churches and civic organizations volunteer as visitors regularly and that's nice.
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I agree with mlface that a sleeping aid will definitely help her to overcome some of the anxiety at the airport. It is loud, crowded and people with dementia, even slight are extremely sensitive to those surroundings. Your mother definitely should not fly alone. In addition, talk to the airlines when you check in and inform them of the situation so they can help her with a faster check in.

Before she does make the move, will she be living with you or another facility? If it is a facility, check out their programs and monthly calendars to ensure she is getting the stimulation she needs physically and mentally. If you decide she will be living with you, consider it carefully because that will change your life significantly.
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Things aren't going to get any better, and having her near you--in the same town--will help as she proceeds to go downhill. I think you should move her now, as it will become increasingly difficult for her to adjust as she gets older, and because you may have to oversee her care more and more as time goes on.
When you move her, flying with her yourself really is the best option, or having someone she knows to fly with her. Find out her preferences for whether she wants to move by car or by air, and anything else associated with the move, and see if you can indulge a few of them. It may make it easier, and she will appreciate your efforts to make her move comfortable.
When traveling with a child, I always try to have something familiar to them: a toy or a beloved blanket, etc.etc. It makes their trip easier, and so try to have things that she likes and feels comforted by having with you on the plane or at least when you land, and in her new home, wherever that is. Maybe have a party for her when she comes to live in whatever you have arranged for her. Make it a happy time.
Just my advice...
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My mom lived in Ohio with my nephew (36) and great-nephew (16) - her grandson and great-grandson.

She had a fall in April 2016 and fractured her neck and smacked her head on the floor leaving big knots on the forehead. Luckily the "boys" were there as she was on her way to bed, and they called 911. I live in California and caught the soonest flight I could.

The surgeon said that the fracture was such that they could try to repair it, giving her still some movement in her neck or they may have to fuse it when they got in and saw how bad it was. Fortunately, the first option was done. Her recovery was long and trying for both of us.

I was a year shy of full retirement age of 66. Therefore, I quit my job, as there was no way I would put my mom in any kind of nursing home. I promised myself and her that years ago. She has some memory loss from the severe injuries to her head and neck, which I suppose could be considered dementia -- but she has not been diagnosed as such. She knows who we all are (all her family members) and remembers things from her childhood pretty clearly, but has no recollection of the accident or her lifestyle prior to the accident. She has had severe arthritis in her knees and elbows, and is very unsteady on her feet, which makes it difficult for her to be alone for long.

After eight months in Ohio, I flew her home with me. There was no way the "boys" could care for her in her current state. She was extremely reluctant to leave her great-grandson, as he has ADHD and some socialization issues. His father (her grandson) also has had ADHD since childhood and has an unusual parenting style, which is not typical and so she worries that he is not properly caring for his son's issues. However, I told her a white lie and said she needed to come to California for awhile until she completely recovered. Plus I told her my son, another grandson, wanted to spend time with her, as he hadn't been able to go visit her in awhile. He was her first, and so it meant a lot to her.

In the first couple of months, she kept talking about going "home", however, that has died down, and she now knows she has to be here with us. I may be unusual in that I love taking care of her everyday - sure I get tired and don't always take proper care of myself, but I am just so joyful to have this extra time with my mom. She loved and cared for me and now it is time for me to care for her.

I am sorry I have made this so long, but I believe, if you can, you should go and fly back with her to your home. Yes, she may have a routine in the assisted living center, but I believe family is better, and as you said, you would be better able to keep her active and get her out more.

I have gotten my mom adult coloring books and washable markers -- she LOVES it and has about six or seven folders full of her "artwork". She also has gotten back to doing crossword puzzles, as she used to. I wish you luck and joy in whatever your decision.
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Last January, my 89-year-old Dad wanted to be near family members in CA who could look out for him and meet his needs. He is cognitively impaired, incontinent, nearly blind, and can only walk short distances with his walker. We found an ALF near us that would meet his physical needs, and then flew to GA to pack his things. Two days later, we flew with him across the country from GA to CA. The day of the flight was a very long challenging day, but we committed to meeting his needs and, we thank God he survived.

Because Dad is only 15 minutes away, I can visit him 2 - 3 times a week and that enables me to observe and reflect on his words and various emotional, physical states. I can discern what he needs and find the appropriate resources to meet his needs. We take him to church with us. I take him to Starbucks, so he can breathes in the lovely aroma, sip his black coffee, and watch the young folks interact with each other.
By seeing him frequently, I have also had the opportunity to interact the staff and caregivers and receive feedback about my Dad. By joining the ALF's Family Council, I have learned more about what is going on with the facility, it's history, it's staff, and advocate for its residents.

Over the past 4-1/2 months, my Dad has improved so much emotionally and physically. As you consider for the best living situation for your mom, your resources, and the season of life that you are in, I hope that you will explore the option of having your mom living near your family in an ALF that can meet her needs.
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I wouldn't do it. You have no idea just how challenging it's going to be!
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Thank you all for taking the time to answer. You have been a great help. I still have lots to think about and more investigating to do. This is not going to be an overnight decision! I will keep you posted.
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I will be 64 years old in September, and I love those adult coloring books. My apartment is chock full of those coloring books plus my art supplies. On Fridays, I go to an adult coloring book class at the library in the city in which I live; it is my art class. One of my projects will be put in the display case; this is a good thing.
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I think moving her now is best all around - while she can get used to a new place - your more frequent visits will mean so much to her - if there are extended family such as cousins etc, get in touch & tell them you are moving her to TX & maybe a visit should be done sooner than later

Not only the quantity but quality of visits will increase - I found after dad was 15 minutes away not over 3 hours that my time was with him not in travelling to him - because we visited once a month there were all the 'jobs' needing to be done for a month such as shopping, bank, etc - now we sit & talk about world events, times with his parents, family etc - these are memories that I will treasure & I hope this happens to you

As to the travelling - number 1 is that you try to be her escort BUT NO SLEEPING PILL RATHER A MILD TRANQUILIZER that she has taken at least 2 times before so that the staff can monitor her reaction especially if going on a plane - in case of emergency she would be out of it - I say this as a former flight attendant - I have seen many older people on planes & most take it as another experience to enjoy - it may be a trial for you but make it as fun for her as you can - bring a packed lunch of all her favourites so might do shrimp cocktail, pate, cheeses with cracker etc - insure your flight is NON STOP so there will be no transfers at an unfamiliar airport for you both - if you can afford it go first class so she has the bigger seats & more attention etc

Try to put this forward as a treat not a trial as this will make her attitude better - point out things like you are travelling with a 5 year old - look at people & try to guess what their life is ... 'so that guy over there is he an executive or a salesman' etc - helps while waiting in airport
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TBH, change is not in ANY elder's makeup. And who can blame them really? Asking them to adapt to a whole other living arrangement is immensely challenging for them!
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Gosh, I wonder why no one has mentioned Mom's point of view in these answers except to assume that she is not competent to have her own preferences. If "it is going to be very difficult to get her to agree to come...and in her eyes this whole situation is my fault," Mom may be so agitated by the whole idea that it'll never fly anyway. (Pun intended)
Does she really care that no relatives visit in OH? If your ability to visit regularly and promises of a more stimulating facility are not enough to convince her to want to move, are you sure you shouldn't just leave her where she feels comfortable? If she and Dad lived in OH, perhaps she has friends there who she doesn't want to leave behind.
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It is very difficult to move an elderly person to another state as I learned when I brought my then 87 year old mother to live with me 2 years ago. Her Medicare, Social Security, Part D, bank accounts, investment accounts must all be transferred to the new location with much red tape involved. Everyone wants to know who you are and how you are involved with her and if you have POA or what authority you have to make decisions for her. If she cannot make her own financial decisions or talk in person to authorities in these institutions you must get a POA. Then there is the matter of finding new doctors (not an easy task), transferring medical records and prescriptions and retaking medical tests for new doctors that you may have already taken recently. Of course there is the matter of moving her personal belongings and finding a place for them in her new home. This can be a very important matter to elderly people in this situation. When she moves she will know you and your family but not another soul. It becomes your responsibility to find social outlets for her which is not an easy task for those with dementia and difficulty walking as I have learned with my mother. She needs her own friends but we have been unable to find anywhere to find them since there is no senior center in our area. Even her church is not helpful, they can find visitors for her but no one who desires a friendship with one with dementia, especially since most of her counterparts are in worse shape than she is. While it is thoughtful of you to want to care for your mother, she would probably prefer to remain in familiar surroundings where she has friends and caregivers.
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