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She’s always had narcissistic temper issues and now she has some dementia. She asked me to make oyster stew for Christmas Eve and a ham dinner for Christmas Day at her house. I was hesitant because she gets upset over small things and she has no problem getting mad on special occasions. My 22 year old son is home for 2 days and he loves his grandma and thought she was absolutely the best when he was young. Tonight I was in the small kitchen cooking and I even made a joke about “ taking over” her kitchen for a couple days. Her house is small and when there’s 3 people in it can be a bit cramped. She’s hard to talk to because she doesn’t wear her hearing aids and gets forgetful but mostly wants everyone’s un divided attention. I’m cooking, my son is relaxing and hanging out in the living room with her. Then we talked during dinner and it was mostly about her memories which is her favorite topics. After dinner my son and I went to get ice cream but she didn’t want to go so we went without her and brought some home to her. I could tell immediately she was in a mood. She marched up to her bedroom and when I followed her up to see what was wrong, she said, angrily, that she doesn’t fit in anymore, she feels like it’s not her house especially when my son and I are there, she’s bringing up old perceived “insults”. I’m upset at myself for actually thinking we could get through a holiday without her getting mad at something. My son knows she does this, especially on special holidays, but doesn’t get worked up like I do. I’m so glad he’s home but she makes it incredibly uncomfortable and now I’m dreading Christmas Day. When will I learn? I would rather just be with my son - we have a great time together and he’s not home all that much now that he’s out of college and working full time. I just can’t leave her alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. She has ruined a lot of holidays, birthdays, etc etc. I’m definitely not cooking at her house anymore. It’s restaurants from now on. I really think it was because she demands to be the center of attention and she wasn’t. My son can be kind of quiet and I know that bothers her and she takes it as an insult. I feel like scrapping the dinner tomorrow and trying to find a restaurant that I can enjoy with my son but I’m sure it would make everything worse and I probably wouldn’t enjoy it anyway. I’ve been her caretaker for 5 years and I’m wearing out emotionally.

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I am so glad I found this thread. I have always known my mom's behavior was wrong, inappropriate, immature, whatever, but I've only recently come to realize that she has NPD. She doesn't have a formal Dx, but she has all classic indicators.

This year, after she essentially ruined Thanksgiving for us, and then Christmas Eve, it finally occurred to me that this was part of a bigger pattern for her - holidays have ALWAYS been the source of some sort of drama revolving around her, and knowing now that she is NPD, it made perfect sense - the attention is drawn away from her and she has to get it back. She has also always insisted that we celebrate holidays with her on the day - never mind that my husband's family would also like to have our family on holidays. We made it a practice to alternate holidays - Christmas with his family, Thanksgiving with mine, and then vice versa the next year, etc. Invariably, on those days when his family "got" us, something would happen with her that meant we were distracted away from them for at least part of the day. How did I not see this all these years? Maybe it took having her wreck two holidays close together?

We've decided that we will not do any more holidays on the day of with her, and when we celebrate holidays with her (on a different day), we will play them down significantly and won't tell her what we are doing until right before. We are doing this because it seems this is one area that her dementia and her NPD seem to dovetail to cause her problems. Planning ahead really creates confusion and frustration for her due to her dementia, making her more disagreeable in itself, and then combining that with the attention-seeking aspect of her NPD as we celebrate holidays - it was just ugly this year. It almost seems like it will be a mercy to her to play down holidays going forward.
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Jml, I'm sorry about the holidays you've lost to your mother's NPD. This is what they do. On Christmas and other holidays attention is diverted from them to the ongoing festivities, and they can't stand it; making a scene, pitching a fit, in essence spoiling the holidays for everyone else involved. Your mom will not change, but you can. May I gently suggest in 2022 you start creating joyful memories for you and your son by confining your celebrations with him and others whose company you enjoy. (((Hugs))) and hopes for happier celebrations ahead!
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I am amazed at how so many of us are dealing with NPD! My mother has shown symptoms of this my whole life and now that she is 90, it has gotten so much worse. I realized that I can only change myself and not her. I ordered a book for my brother and I and it has been amazingly helpful. It’s called Children of the Aging Self Absorbed by Nina Brown. It’s a very practical book that gives you steps to take to deal with your own guilt and dysfunctional thinking, how to respond to the narcissistic parent, and helps you see you are not alone in this challenging time.
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I could have written your post on Christmas Eve! After an encounter with my mom, I called my friend and told her 'I hate my mom. I hate her." She dropped what she was doing and met me at the park and talked me down. She said "I hear your words say 'I hate her', but I hear your heart say 'she's hurt me again.' " She was right. I'm betting you could say the same thing. We love this person who hurts us over and over again.

My mom and I have had these sorts of encounters my entire life, frequently at holiday times. Only in the last few weeks have I learned enough about NPD to realize that NPD is very likely her. Now though, we can add dementia into that mix. Makes for oh so much fun, right?

Because we have been estranged much of my adult life, I ended our last confrontation with "I'll see you soon", and I left. I didn't want to leave her believing it would be another decade before I returned, but I also didn't want her to believe she could be abusive of me either. I felt my departure was an astounding success, given that so many of them over the years ended in one or the other, or both, of us shrieking and slamming doors. So - YAY ME! I did good!

And then I felt guilty. As we talked about it, my friend pointed out that I make sure my mom is safe and her needs are met. That's all I am obligated to do, both legally and morally as her POA and her daughter. Emotional punching bag isn't in the job description. She also said that after a confrontation, it was important that I take whatever time I need to rebuild my strength, that I didn't have to rush back in out of a sense of "need."

So - I had told my mom to call me if she felt like she could put on a cheerful face and enjoy the company of the rest of the family on Christmas Day. She didn't call. Several times I considered jumping in the car and running in to town to see if she wanted to come, but I realized that by her not calling, she is making a decision to not be with us. If I had gone, I would have been giving in to my own guilt thinking about her sitting alone on Christmas Day and into her desire to control all my attention. I swallowed the guilt every time it arose and enjoyed my family knowing that I had not allowed my own guilt to saddle them with her miserable self.

So - YES! Your mom CAN be alone on Christmas. And any other day she chooses - through her actions - to be alone. When you have dementia coupled with NPD, it's hard to know when to be forgiving of bad behavior and when to push back. I'm still navigating this water as well, but it seems to me that it's okay to reject abuse in any form. Caring for our moms cannot come at the expense of our own wellbeing.
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lkdrymom Jan 2022
I am impressed with you. You did what more people need to do. She can be alone on Christmas...esp if she actively pushes people away. Why ruin your good time because you are afraid she is unhappy. Chances are she will be unhappy no matter what you do.
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Where you went wrong was chasing after her. Next time let her stomp off and you enjoy the peace. She was counting on you running to appease her.

Sounds just like my grandmother. If she was not the center of attention she was not happy. The problem was even when she got attention she would try and make you feel sorry for her or she would trash talk others. Not someone you wanted to spend time with. People started spending less time with her and she blamed that on people not wanting to be around you when you were old. No one was brave enough to tell her the real reason because they were afraid she would throw a fit. I always wondered as a kid why everyone was so afraid of making her unhappy but it was perfectly ok for her to make everyone else unhappy.

How many more holidays do you want to let her ruin? When she acts up call it a day and leave.
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I do not let toxic people ruin my day. I choose whom I spend my time with.

Christmas is over now in most parts of the world. I hope you spent the day with your son and left your mother at home.
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No is not a four letter word to normal people. NPDs-ya think the world is ending with 'em when they hear it. Got a few in my family. Plug your ears/mind, move forward-pay no mind to their lamentations. Don't cook, you know it's not about the food, it's all about the NPD ego. Let 'em stew in their own juices, might even tenderize 'em-NOT! : )
"Ruined a lot of holidays, birthdays, etc etc". Really? Then this is the last time. She's had her NPD "fun", walk/run away-why feel bad for someone who behaves like this? She's your Mother-that's a fact, but the fact that she is incapable of decent behavior needs to be addressed, and time to take care of yourself.
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You are not going to change her now. These type of people take things out of proportion and get slighted very easily. She didn't want to go out for ice cream so u probably should not have gone out for ice cream. At 79 you are not going to change her especially if she is showing signs of Dementia. You are going to need to just ignore her. Let her get mad. When she stomped off you should have just hollered up the stairs that you were leaving her ice cream in the freezer and that u were leaving see her tomorrow. You are playing into her hands. You need to set boundries for yourself. Enjoy your time with your son. Make dinner at her house. Spend some time with her and then leave.

If your Mom has Dementia, you need to start getting her things together. She can literally worsen overnight. I saw it with one of our clients. She had Dementia and was living on her own with family checking in. The Nurse went to check on her and her decline overnight was such the family had to place her. If u have no POA, now is the the time to get it before she worsens. If she resists, tell her without a POA and Advanced directive in place, the State will take over her care and money and you will have no say it what happens to her.

Do not take her in to live with you. It will never work. If she has money, place her in a nice AL. If not, there is medicaid.
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You're stuck with your mother. Her character will never change. The only option left for you, is to ignore her angry outbursts and play diplomacy. Do not react to her insults. Obviously, she suffers from a severe personality disorder, which usually worsen with age. It gets worse because it becomes mixed with old-age's cognitive decline. She is competing for attention with your son. Remember that if you have to make a choice, your son should come first. In short, do not take personally her insults by overreacting.
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J, it sounds as though this is a long-standing dance/drama with your mom.

Only you have the power to change that dynamic.

As mentioned by Ann, making sure that your mom is SAFE is now paramount. It sounds as though she's never been "happy" so try to find a way to let that go. Finding a therapist or counselor to help with this can be useful.

Don't be sarcastic or vindictive; her brain won't process that correctly and you'll end up hurting your own heart.

As mentioned by CTTN, make sure there is a POA for health and finances in place and get a handle on her money situation.

Start researching facilities; her ability to live alone is coming to an end. There will be an emergency and you want to have an idea of what is available in terms of rehabs, Assisted Living and long term care facilities. Having her live with you or you with she is clearly off the table.

To an extent, your mother is correct, she doesn't fit in. She is aging in both body and brain and can tell. Her only resource is her drama; it's a sad place to be. She fears rejection, so she pushes you away to make sure you come back.

Have a peaceful Christmas.
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When will you learn? IT’S CHRISTMAS, the PERFECT DAY to remind yourself that you need to love her and be sure that she is SAFE, and you need to LOVE YOURSELF and YOUR SON enough to begin thinking of Mom as a NEW person who is suffering with a degenerative condition which will only get progressively worse.

The person who you loved as a daughter and whom your son cherished as a little boy IS NO LONGER HERE.

PLEASE establish a beautiful new tradition today with your son. If you’re sure your mother is SAFE and she can take care of her basic needs, YOU COUNT.

Hoping you have a WONDERFUL, NEW, VERY DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS, and that it will be the first of many more!!!!
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Stay home today and enjoy Christmas with your son.

I saw a comment to you back in October. Have you done any of the things mentioned, such as obtaining POA/HCPOA and figuring out what's going to happen when your mother needs more care?

Your mother lives "independently." What is the caregiving that you are doing for her now? Please plan for the future, and don't be in the situation that YOU will have to be one to take care of her because there were no plans made.

(Of course she probably won't want to move into a facility, so plan for that objection.)
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mgmbaker Dec 2021
I can't agree more with what you are saying. I am having a ton of issues with my mom right now relating to her NPD and the paranoia that comes with dementia, but before her mind started getting too bad (but after the eventual decline was evident), she herself got on the stick and made me her MPOA, DPOA, and executrix, as well as adding me on all her accounts. Looking back at how that all happened, I think those actions were driven by her NPD and her desire to bind me to her forever, and maybe over her fear of losing her resources because she didn't know anything about managing money.

After she took those actions, I got her to agree to look at various types of facilities and develop an advance game plan, including agreement as to what flags should be indicators of decision time, and we picked where she would want to go, got everything together as though we were going through with it, then hit the pause button and let her live her best life as fully as she could. When she accidentally locked herself into her back yard and had to spend a night outside, we knew the time had come. At the same time, she gave up her car voluntarily.

Through dumb luck on both her and my parts, we were smart enough to navigate those waters while she was still okay enough to make rational decisions and have meaningful input.

Now that her mind has declined beyond complex decision making, she is living in the facility of her choice. She hates it. She thinks all the other residents whisper about her and that they go into her room and steal from her. She believes the staff is absent most of the time and the executive director is never there. They never have activities or religious services. I know her complaints about staff are false and I see tons of pictures on Facebook of all the activities they have (which she doesn't participate in). I know that no one is stealing from her (we find the stolen items stashed in her room all the time). And I know that this place is the nicest place in town with the best reviews and tons of recommendations from people we know - and most importantly - it was her choice based on our research together.

I can't imagine trying to do all the legal stuff with her now in the condition she is in. I know I'm fortunate that she was so agreeable, but I have to believe it is well worth having those tough conversations as early as possible to resolve important matters because rougher waters are ahead and the window of opportunity for smooth(er) transition is small.
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With someone with your mom's sort of mental illness/personality disorder, you need to stop trying to be the people pleaser.

She stomps off? Leave her be until she decides to rejoin.Stop making this all about her.
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Thankyou
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I would call her and say that you and son won't be intruding on her Christmas. And then in the future, every time she gets like this, just say, "Yeah, I agree I'm not the right person for you, so we'll be hiring someone else and/or looking at facilities. Or you can decide for yourself what to do."

Then leave (if only for an hour or for a day). She thinks she can handle it? Let her.

It's not on you to make gourmet dinners. She's blown that chance. If she is going to be difficult beyond help, then more help will be needed.
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AnnReid Dec 2021
Why attempt sarcasm on someone with a broken brain?

No point in wasting vindictive discourse on someone whose brain is progressively failing.
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