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It started a few years ago, let me first say he was a smoker, but after my mom died of lung cancer in 2012 I thought it was time we both quit. so after I failed cold turkey I tried vaping and that worked for me. I know that its not as good as just stopping all together but I can say this, after just a couple of weeks my lungs felt strong again. so I got my dad to try it and it was a miracle, he went from coughing all day to not coughing at all. on his first visit to his doctor she listened to his lungs and said you quit smoking didn't you, he even started walking faster and without getting winded, this lasted for the next few years until he saw a build your own hotrod ad in a magazine, ad showed complete car for 20,000 but after I looked into it cost would have been 70,000+ I told him this but he didn't care. At the time he could still drive but it was sketchy. My dad suffered a head injury in 83 so mom controlled the bank account. when she passed that responsibility was passed on to me. So, when I didn't order this kit car (just a frame and half the body) he got mad and said I was trying to keep all the money for myself. soon after that the coughing started, didn't even sound real more like barking. but I took it seriously, doctors and test all said same thing nothing's wrong. I got hidden cam to see what he did when I wasn't there and for almost an hour no coughing then I come home and its non stop. when he sleeps nothing, when he watches tv without me nothing. I have confronted him about it but he denies its directed at me. I love my dad very much and before this started we were just starting to recover, at least somewhat, from the loss of my mom. but now I try to avoid him a much as possible. I wanted to know that I'm not crazy, selfish, being a bad son....alone

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Here's a possible alternative explanation - when he's home alone he isn't talking but when you are home he is, and that can trigger coughing.
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Could he be unconsciously covering up some feelings? I know someone who coughs when he is trying to cover something up...a good tell, nothing physically wrong.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 2022
He could also be doing it quite consciously to be annoying.
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Are you both vaping nicotine now? In my experience, it will coat your lungs and still causes coughing to clear phlegm daily. But apart from that, this is a socially mediated behavior. If it only occurs when you're present, then he wants something from *you.* Attention? Giving in to unreasonable demands? However, it should cease on its own if it's not reinforced. The important thing is that he is safe and not ill. I'm sorry it's bothering you. Try earplugs or headphones, maybe?
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You are fairly sure that it’s fake to make you feel guilty. If your father is starting this behavior at age 74, it’s not a good sign. Manipulation like this can get much much worse, and make living together awful.

It might be worth telling him that if seeing you is making him cough, it’s not good for either of you, and you should not live together any longer. Sharing expenses probably works for both of you, but it’s not worth the increasing unhappiness that comes from deliberate vindictive manipulation. Start talking about other options for both of you. This may lead to him stopping the behavior. If it doesn’t, it’s the writing on the wall for separating. It may be what allows you to keep your love for him, instead of anger and resentment building. Genuinely!
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Hmm

There is a woman at my workplace that sighs everytime I pass by. Like a 'my day is so hard' kind of sigh. I was behind her one day & nope, no sigh as she passed other people! What's that about I wondered? We were on friendly terms, not especially close.. I came to a conclusion it was a form of communication. It was aimed at me (& possibly others) she may have considered sympathetic. I doubt it was a conscious thing.

I am wondering if a similar thing is happening with your Dad?

A little cough + a little how are you = a little more attention?
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I am with "notgoodenough". I am very sensitive to fragrances. I had my husband move down a few seats because the person in front of us had too much cologne on. Smoking dulls smell and taste. Maybe now Dad is no longer smoking he is sensitive to smells. I would ask him why when u come into a room does he start to cough. Does he get a tingling in his nose, scratchy throat. If so, could be an allergy or sensitivity to something you wear or where u work.

My Dad was a chain smoker for 50 yrs. He went cold turkey when he had heart surgery. He still had that smoker cough.
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Could be stress coughing.
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This post is from July. The OP only asked this question and did not respond to any replies. Probably not with us anymore.
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AliBoBali Sep 2022
Thanks, JoAnn. I forget to *always check the date*.
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Welcome to the forum.

Are there any other hobbies your dad could do?

What about checking into mentoring programs at the local schools and see if they are doing any auto restoration projects and are interested in his knowledge.

I would be tempted to tell him that he should quit vaping if he is coughing so bad. I would also try telling him to stop when he starts. Don't get into any conversation about it, just "stop coughing" and move on.

Parents are really good at pushing our buttons, the trick is to flatten the button so they can't push it.
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Before you convince yourself that dad is doing this to try to guilt you into something, have you absolutely ruled out anything physical? A barking cough, to me, would seem to indicate something physical - asthma, perhaps, or even croupe? Have you brought your dad to an allergist?

I think CWillie has a valid point - talking with you might be causing the cough. Have you eliminated anything physical you bring in (inadvertently) that might cause an allergic reaction? A cologne you wear, or a detergent/fabric softener you use? Do you have pets that you live with and thereby you carry in pet hair and/or dander into dad? My sisters-in-law own multiple cats, and my son & I are allergic; every time they come over to visit, we both end up starting to wheeze just from all of the dander in their clothing.

Have you asked dad if he is even aware of the coughing, and what he feels when it triggers?

I think the guilt you are already feeling might be driving your reaction. But there might very well be a medical reason why your dad is coughing, and you might want to try an allergist first before you start self-flagellating.

Good luck!
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