My mom passed away 3 months ago. It was quick and unexpected. Of course I asked my Dad to stay with us (married, 2 kids) a couple nights. Well that’s turned into 3+ months and I don’t see him returning to his house anytime soon. He was avoiding spending any time at his house in the beginning except to grab the mail .. I talked to him (tried to, he completely shuts down if he hears anything he doesn’t like) 6+ weeks ago and told him I thought he should be spending more time there. Since then, he has worked up to 3 hrs/day MAX at his own house (15 mins from mine). He is gone most of the morning/afternoon but is at my house for supper every evening and stays afterwards and sleeps here. I love my dad but I miss my alone time and the time with just my husband and kids. He says he wants to go back to his house but he doesn’t want to be alone and is heart broken over losing my mom. He doesn’t consider that I am grieving too and having him here is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone (I was very close to my mom and my parents were at my house A LOT). My brother has offered to spend time at my dad’s house with him and even spend the night but my dad has declined. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and has even told my husband that I have no right to ask him to leave. WTH?!? This is completely stressing me out and having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate. It’s so frustrating. My mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage .. so he keeps saying ‘I’ve never lived alone’, ‘she did everything for me’, etc. I feel like I did us both a disservice by offering for him to stay .. I should’ve stayed with him instead. He is totally capable of caring for himself, he just doesn’t want to. I am starting to resent him only thinking of himself and putting me in this position. Any advice?!? I want my old life back!!!!!
I would tell him you have every right to ask him to leave, it's YOUR house.
Time to get use to your new normal dad and that isn't staying at my home and inserting yourself daily.
It's hard but, it is necessary for him to learn how to be with himself. If he can't be alone then an assisted living is the next option.
I would tell my brother to just show up at dad's and stop asking. Your dad needs guidance and not questions that put him in control of the situation.
I am sorry for the loss of your mom and pray that you all find your way forward.
I am sorry for the loss of your dear mom.
It is sad that dad is having such a hard time starting his life over without his wife.
Since he needs to leave your home and doesn’t want to go to his own home you could call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask them to come visit dad for an assessment of needs. I would also get him to a neurologist for testing. Often couples cover for one another. Dad may have deficits you haven’t noticed due to moms presence. I am assuming here that dad is in his 70s? As long as you are seeing him in familiar surroundings it is sometimes difficult to pick up on the decline.
Alternately, I wonder if you went with your dad to his home and spent a few days if it would help? Perhaps work on packing away mom’s personal items if that hasn’t been done.
Maybe you could make dinner at his home, have your family come there for dinner and then they would go home. You might ask brother over as well and then brother would spend the night and you could go home with your family.
You could try this for a few days to help him transition. He might need to hire domestic help, order meals on wheels or down size to an apartment or Independent living facility where he could transition as his needs increase.
You could also just remove the bed he is sleeping on and tell him to go home. Or as the song goes, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here”.
If there is a senior center near by, he might find it a comfortable hang out for lunch.
Hopefully you will get your home back soon.
You might want to ask him if he would like to go to Independent Living or Assisted Living, there he will have lots of people to associate with and in AL, there is a dining room as well. Basically everything will be done for him.
Give him a choice, either go home or go to a facility.
If you don't tell him, he will never go back to his home.
He says but, his actions prove otherwise.
You have to decide to stand up for your family life or accept dad as a permanent fixture. His saying you have no right... proves he thinks you are still subject to his parental authority and you are not.
This will not get easier, so bite the bullet and stop letting him hijack your life or figure out how to accept your new normal, larger family.
Present him with IL AL brochures for the interim.
I know it has only been 3 months, but maybe discreetly put the word out among close friends and find a NICE lady to introduce to him. Widower men who were happily married for a long time tend to be LOST without that companionship and usually want it again.
My point is that your parents had their privacy whenever they wanted it. You should have the same that he enjoyed. If he says he wouldn't have minded it, you inform him there's no way for him to know that for a fact since he wasn't forced to experience it.
Give him his move-out date. Give him lots and lots of help and assurances. Have your brother there every other day for a while, then phase it out but check with him every day and make sure to go visit him to see if he's doing self-care.
Your first priority is to your husband and family, just like your dad made your mom his priority, and you should never feel guilty for upholding this. If rational arguments don't budge him, then I think you need to assume there is cognitive issues going on, or he is having depression from the grief (which is not uncommon and very understandable).
I wish you a smooth transition for him. So sorry for the loss of your mom, may you receive peace in your heart.
Of course he will be furious, and there will be lots of harsh words and accusations. But that’s what it is going to take. It will only get more difficult the longer he stays, and the less he is used to living in his own house. He is of the generation that has a firm expectation that he does what he wants, and women – wife, daughter, whatever – fall into line. Making all the other arrangements with brother, and hoping that Dad will go along with them, is a waste of your time.
After you have got him home, it might be worth talking about the options, like AL. Your place is the best option now, and this might change when he is home by himself.
It is also good advice to think about whether your mother was indeed ‘covering for him’. It sounds that at 70 he is quite capable, but he has probably stopped both paid work and doing a lot of ‘man’ jobs, while relying on your mother more and more. My in-laws had a stronger example of it when Grandma died suddenly with a stroke. Adult children had thought she was a pain for nagging him so much, and taking over so much. Then when she died they found out that he was far less competent than they thought. It can be hard to pick. But the in-law couple were well into their eighties, so it may not be the same with you.
The two of you can offer to arrange for him to hire a housekeeper who prepares meals for him. You can find an accountant to manage his checkbook for him weekly. You can offer to drive with him to doctors appointments and help him set his meds up in daily pill packets. You can also set up grief counseling. Also, offer to pick him up on Sunday and take him to church, and then return to his home and cook dinner for the family there. Plan holiday celebrations at his home. Invite him to your children's school plays, and encourage him to volunteer at the school or the local food bank or church.
He's obviously very sad and doesn't want to be alone.
I'm so sorry about your mom, and the difficulties that you are now facing.
not only for your sanity and marriage, but really, for his own good. Does he have any hobbies, other friends, interests or clubs he may want to get involved in? Just some suggestions. God bless and sustain you.
They will have handles this before. Talk to the folks there about the problem.
Heck, the one young man, didn't touch where his GF passed in a bed.
I understand your position but I also feel for him so I think if you can work as a family to find an alternative solution perhaps that would a consideration. I realize it won't be easy to deal with the house depending on how they kept it. My husband and I are both only children and we had to deal with the residences of both our mothers who were widowed and divorced. It was not at all easy as their residences were packed but we persevered. If all of this is possible then hopefully a sale of their house could pay for him to live in Independent Living. I hope you arrive at a solution.
Three months is not very long. I don't know how old your dad is but if at all possible can he stay for just a couple of months more? He is lonely, depressed and scared.
Ease him back home with more caregivers/housekeeper and frequent family visits. Tell dad the week will be split between a couple of nights with you & a couple of nights at his home with your brother spending the night.
Yes, you are grieving and need your privacy and time with your family. Just realize dad's time adjusting will be much much slower.
So sorry for the loss of your mother. I miss my daddy every single day!
It might help to get a copy of the local senior citizen group calendar where they serve lunch and do things such as cards, bingo etc. Go with him there a couple of times and have lunch. He could see someone he knows. Perhaps he can call up a friend and ask him to go bowling, golf, a movie or whatever. He's going to have to carve out a new life for himself. You can't do it for him. Your mom spoiled him and you are suffering the consequences. You are partly to blame as well. You should have never allowed him to stay as long as you did. Simply state that it is best for HIM to to go back home. Make sure you tell him you'll still visit. Then, keep talking about him moving. Perhaps have him help you prepare some frozen meals for his freezer and on the day of moving, make him a dish for dinner so that he won't have to cook that day( because he will be upset with you). On that certain date, make sure he is packed and ready to go. If he doesn't pack, sounds like you'll need to do it for him. Smh, Then get him in the car and take him home. You might stay a but. Find some things that need s his attention.. He'll rant and rave and be mad, but he's got to go through this grieving process just as you have to. Make it clear
his house and yard needs him and give him a dare when you will come visit. Stay strong and just do it. Good luck!
Commend his effort to spend at least a few hours in his home. Help him find a Grief Support Group where people listen to each other. He may be shocked but encouraged that his feelings of despair and loneliness are shared by so many others. Help him work up the courage to start staying in his own home alone, one night at a time.
Long-married people may never have nourished their own talents and interests. As he begins to accept his new situation, have him look for ways he might help other people in their own difficult situations. Some widowed men I know locally are delighted to volunteer for organizations that help older people with grocery shopping and rides to the doctor and small household repairs. That kind of activity might help your father begin to look outward and feel useful.
Most people have no family or friends available for refuge and have to struggle through the emptiness alone. And they do.
Some of the advice here is well meant but impossible to implement. For example, people blithely tell you to sell his house. If it isn't your house you cannot do that. He is of sound mind and it is HIS house, not yours. You can't sell his house like you can't sell mine.
I like the advice to have meals at his house then you and your family go home. But, you can't do that until you have the hard talk with him about sleeping at your house. You try first, then if he won't listen to you, (after all you are his kid and you suffer from what Dr. Phil calls the Powdered Butt Syndrome, Once someone has powdered your butt, they don't listen to what you have to say) you might have to call your husband to put his foot down man to man.
It’s ok with him telling you what to do, but not you telling him what to do. This is very simple either you set the rules or he does. He has no legal right to be in your home as there was never a rental contract. Don’t let all his worries destroy your life, it’s his life now and you need to let it go.
Right now, he has one important choice to make. Does he want to live in his current house, or would he prefer not to as it has too many memories? If he wants to live in his current house, it’s time he went back there. If he finds that too challenging, you can start looking at senior living options with him. If he wants to be waited on, he might even pick AL. The choice you shouldn’t be giving him is saying one thing and doing something different – he “absolutely wants to return to his house” but he won’t go.