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My mom passed away 3 months ago. It was quick and unexpected. Of course I asked my Dad to stay with us (married, 2 kids) a couple nights. Well that’s turned into 3+ months and I don’t see him returning to his house anytime soon. He was avoiding spending any time at his house in the beginning except to grab the mail .. I talked to him (tried to, he completely shuts down if he hears anything he doesn’t like) 6+ weeks ago and told him I thought he should be spending more time there. Since then, he has worked up to 3 hrs/day MAX at his own house (15 mins from mine). He is gone most of the morning/afternoon but is at my house for supper every evening and stays afterwards and sleeps here. I love my dad but I miss my alone time and the time with just my husband and kids. He says he wants to go back to his house but he doesn’t want to be alone and is heart broken over losing my mom. He doesn’t consider that I am grieving too and having him here is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone (I was very close to my mom and my parents were at my house A LOT). My brother has offered to spend time at my dad’s house with him and even spend the night but my dad has declined. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and has even told my husband that I have no right to ask him to leave. WTH?!? This is completely stressing me out and having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate. It’s so frustrating. My mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage .. so he keeps saying ‘I’ve never lived alone’, ‘she did everything for me’, etc. I feel like I did us both a disservice by offering for him to stay .. I should’ve stayed with him instead. He is totally capable of caring for himself, he just doesn’t want to. I am starting to resent him only thinking of himself and putting me in this position. Any advice?!? I want my old life back!!!!!

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Best for your brother and you to have a sit down discussion and draw up a written plan . Share what you can "do" or "give" in your life- amount of time and what your needs are- your own family responsibilities.
That brother has offered to go to his house with him, the time amount he can give for that.
The excuse of his wife did everything for him only made him weak and dependent. If he is fearful of living alone, then have an option for a retirement village,etc.
For dad to "refuse" is not an option. Give him choices A. a night with brother at house or B. go to his house alone overnight one night. No other options.
Then increase to two nights at home etc., try to set a plan that takes a month or two to get to your goal.
You'll need many repeated "we love you , this isn't about our feelings for you. This is about how to manage my marriage and being a mother.
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Dear one,

You began your caregiving journey as a temporary situation to help your dad in his grief. It’s kind, compassionate and commendable.
While I understand others offering well-meaning advice on selling his home, etc. that is not legally practical.
Maybe sitting down with your dad, with your hubby, and relaying to him that you’ve been glad to help one another through your grief, but it’s time to return to your lives.
Stay strong, and offer options that have boundaries.
- Brother has offered to stay as long as he and you decide you need to when you return to your home.
-Dad, we enjoy dinner time together.
we’d like to invite you every Thursday for a family dinner. It’s the day the kids don’t have activities, and will work great for us!
-Ok, so if you still don’t want to stay at home, would you like to consider moving to a senior village apartment, assisted living(etc)
where others will be close by?
Your son and I can help you look into them.

You have a right to some semblance of life with your hubby and children. 3 months can turn into 12 years.
A still capable man has lived his life, and you need to live yours. I wish I had had better boundaries when my parents started down this road to needing more care; I lost so much time with my family and friends.
The results were loss of my health, finances, my significant other.

Set the boundaries now to protect you and your family.
sending you a big hug.
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you have to understand how hard it is right now - you dad is still grieving and you are wanting him to leave the house where he had joy with your mom. it's too soon. he will make a decision when and if. dont forget he may feel like he is imposing and you know i'm 75 and love living alone. i sleep when i want, and know one tells me what to do. give him time
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Beatty Apr 2022
The widowed Father is staying with the OP - not in his own home. Was supposed to be short term stay with daughter, but blowing out to permanent as he has lost confidence/will to live alone in his own house.
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At age 70, he should be thinking about what he will do for the rest of his life.

Right now, he has one important choice to make. Does he want to live in his current house, or would he prefer not to as it has too many memories? If he wants to live in his current house, it’s time he went back there. If he finds that too challenging, you can start looking at senior living options with him. If he wants to be waited on, he might even pick AL. The choice you shouldn’t be giving him is saying one thing and doing something different – he “absolutely wants to return to his house” but he won’t go.
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Chessqueen1977: No doubt his house has memories that would be too painful for him. Also, perhaps he is enjoying dinner and then breakfast at your house.
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MargaretMcKen Apr 2022
You are probably right, but that’s the problem for OP!
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How big is his home?
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Perhaps the home can be sold and he could move into an Independent Senior Living Community: they offer new friends and activities. He never needs to live alone again.
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Wow! Sounds like you have a problem within yourself as you have a problem dealing with conflict. (Dad won’t move back home). Why should he when he can walk all over you?
It’s ok with him telling you what to do, but not you telling him what to do. This is very simple either you set the rules or he does. He has no legal right to be in your home as there was never a rental contract. Don’t let all his worries destroy your life, it’s his life now and you need to let it go.
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I just want to give you a big HUG!!

Some of the advice here is well meant but impossible to implement. For example, people blithely tell you to sell his house. If it isn't your house you cannot do that. He is of sound mind and it is HIS house, not yours. You can't sell his house like you can't sell mine.

I like the advice to have meals at his house then you and your family go home. But, you can't do that until you have the hard talk with him about sleeping at your house. You try first, then if he won't listen to you, (after all you are his kid and you suffer from what Dr. Phil calls the Powdered Butt Syndrome, Once someone has powdered your butt, they don't listen to what you have to say) you might have to call your husband to put his foot down man to man.
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He might see her as a ghost over there. I am not kidding. For a while, there is a part of the brain which projects the loved dead one and you can see and hear. It is like an old fashioned movie film being projected onto a screen.
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OF COURSE he can't go back to the same place. So, find him a senior apartment over 55 years old where it has a small kitchen and help him relocate. Your home is NOT his only option. He will be HAPPIER in a senior apartment where they often have group activities. Just pretend that the "old" house is not available any more. SELL IT.
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Maryjann Apr 2022
OP may not have the right/POA/paperwork to sell it.
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It looks like the only option is to take away the bed where he sleeps at your home. If he would never allow anyone to move anything he has at his home, he should understand that you have the right to move things at your home. The longer it goes on, the harder it will get. Just warn him ahead of time, on what day you are doing it. Being blindsided is always harder.
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Losing a spouse is sometimes harder on men than on women. The silence and void of an empty house are overwhelming. Three months since your mother's passing is a very short time in grieving terms. Your father is certainly still experiencing a lot of shock and depression.
Commend his effort to spend at least a few hours in his home. Help him find a Grief Support Group where people listen to each other. He may be shocked but encouraged that his feelings of despair and loneliness are shared by so many others. Help him work up the courage to start staying in his own home alone, one night at a time.
Long-married people may never have nourished their own talents and interests. As he begins to accept his new situation, have him look for ways he might help other people in their own difficult situations. Some widowed men I know locally are delighted to volunteer for organizations that help older people with grocery shopping and rides to the doctor and small household repairs. That kind of activity might help your father begin to look outward and feel useful.
Most people have no family or friends available for refuge and have to struggle through the emptiness alone. And they do.
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Cover99 Apr 2022
Or family and friends "disappear" when they learn a loved one has passed,
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Have a talk with him. Tell him on a certain date( of your choosing) that he is going back home because he was only suppose to stay a couple of nights and it's has now stretched into months. He is putting off the inevitable and that he is going to have to figure out how to be alone. He needs to learn to cook his favorite meals, and start learning to do all those things that your mom coddled him with doing herself. Why do women spoil their men? It's so unfair to the men.
It might help to get a copy of the local senior citizen group calendar where they serve lunch and do things such as cards, bingo etc. Go with him there a couple of times and have lunch. He could see someone he knows. Perhaps he can call up a friend and ask him to go bowling, golf, a movie or whatever. He's going to have to carve out a new life for himself. You can't do it for him. Your mom spoiled him and you are suffering the consequences. You are partly to blame as well. You should have never allowed him to stay as long as you did. Simply state that it is best for HIM to to go back home. Make sure you tell him you'll still visit. Then, keep talking about him moving. Perhaps have him help you prepare some frozen meals for his freezer and on the day of moving, make him a dish for dinner so that he won't have to cook that day( because he will be upset with you). On that certain date, make sure he is packed and ready to go. If he doesn't pack, sounds like you'll need to do it for him. Smh, Then get him in the car and take him home. You might stay a but. Find some things that need s his attention.. He'll rant and rave and be mad, but he's got to go through this grieving process just as you have to. Make it clear
his house and yard needs him and give him a dare when you will come visit. Stay strong and just do it. Good luck!
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I can only share how my mom was @ 85 when dad passed 2 years ago. We did bump up her caregiver hours and sister & I visited more often. She was very depressed for a solid year. Her doctor said this was normal but we monitored her depression.

Three months is not very long. I don't know how old your dad is but if at all possible can he stay for just a couple of months more? He is lonely, depressed and scared.

Ease him back home with more caregivers/housekeeper and frequent family visits. Tell dad the week will be split between a couple of nights with you & a couple of nights at his home with your brother spending the night.

Yes, you are grieving and need your privacy and time with your family. Just realize dad's time adjusting will be much much slower.

So sorry for the loss of your mother. I miss my daddy every single day!
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lkdrymom Apr 2022
Three months is a long time for an unwanted house guest. He is only 70 and not an invalid. He needs to stand on his own two feet. Not saying to abandon him, he can still come over for dinner but he needs to sleep at his own home.
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Could you all consider selling the house and have him move to an Independent Living facility? I don't know where you live but in many areas of the country real estate is in great demand. If he could consider a facility that you all visit perhaps he could come around to moving out of your house and you and your family could prepare your parents house for sale. He would have provided meals and events he might slowly agree to participate in.

I understand your position but I also feel for him so I think if you can work as a family to find an alternative solution perhaps that would a consideration. I realize it won't be easy to deal with the house depending on how they kept it. My husband and I are both only children and we had to deal with the residences of both our mothers who were widowed and divorced. It was not at all easy as their residences were packed but we persevered. If all of this is possible then hopefully a sale of their house could pay for him to live in Independent Living. I hope you arrive at a solution.
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All of you are grieving. He probably revisits the trauma of her sudden death every time he walks through the door of his home - the one they shared for so long. I would suggest that he - as well as you and probably other family members - need to join a grief support group or have weekly counselling with a grief counsellor. Most churches and other communities of faith can point you in the right direction of these resources. I would suggest that your dad, your husband, and you meet with a counsellor to work out issues of your father's "long term visit." He does not have the right to stay with your family forever. You do have the right to decide what lifestyle and with whom you wish to live it with under your roof. Your father's knee jerk reaction is most likely based in fear of having to go home and live alone. A counsellor can be an objective mediator to help your family through the question of the "how long are you staying" and turn it into the process of your father navigating this new phase of his life.
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Cover99 Apr 2022
Interesting you mention this. Some of the people on "Hoarders" still live in the same house where a loved one has passed.

Heck, the one young man, didn't touch where his GF passed in a bed.
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Have your brother pick him up and bring him home. Create a healthy boundary . Hire a caretaker or house cleaner so he has social interaction. Get him some grief counseling . Plan a trip for the future with him like camping . There are meal programs Like Meals on Wheels or Martha Stewart Boxes with produce and meats - Suggest he learn how to cook. Buy him a Puppy - dogs make great companions . Get him some Plants . Suggest he Join a social club. Step by step he will heal and you will get back your space .
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
He may not like or want a dog, but if he does, a foster adopt program thru your spca is the way to go. The shelter pays for all expenses while you foster the animal and decide whether it’s a fit.
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Is it possible for him to go to an AL temporarily? Many offer temporary stays to families. He can then work on returning home? You all need a rest after your mother's death, and a chance to work on the new lives you have to build. He might very well decide he likes it. I think I would present it with your husband as a non negotiable offer from you for all of your good. He isn't going to move out graciously. He needs to be pushed out of the nest. Maybe the AL will be a new nest that he likes.
They will have handles this before. Talk to the folks there about the problem.
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It's hard enough losing your mom- I know, mine dropped dead suddenly and I lost not only a beloved mother but y very best friend at the time - without dealing with an obstinate father, which I ALSO had, who had Parkinsons's and thought I was his mean sister trying to do him wrong. All I can say is, be careful of your marriage and your family, which MUST come first. How does your husband see all of this? Can he talk to your dad "man to man"? I hate to sound sexist, but sometimes women are STILL ignored, when a man might get through. Either way, your dad not only needs to become independent again - with a loving family ready to help if need be and visiting AT HIS HOME regularly_
not only for your sanity and marriage, but really, for his own good. Does he have any hobbies, other friends, interests or clubs he may want to get involved in? Just some suggestions. God bless and sustain you.
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Ask your husband to have a "man to man" conversation with him. He can tell him that he needs his wife back to focusing on him and her children, and that it is time for him to go home. Your dad is obviously "old school" so he needs advice and direction from another man.

The two of you can offer to arrange for him to hire a housekeeper who prepares meals for him. You can find an accountant to manage his checkbook for him weekly. You can offer to drive with him to doctors appointments and help him set his meds up in daily pill packets. You can also set up grief counseling. Also, offer to pick him up on Sunday and take him to church, and then return to his home and cook dinner for the family there. Plan holiday celebrations at his home. Invite him to your children's school plays, and encourage him to volunteer at the school or the local food bank or church.

He's obviously very sad and doesn't want to be alone.

I'm so sorry about your mom, and the difficulties that you are now facing.
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You said, “He even told my husband that you have no right to tell him to leave.” What was your husband’s reaction? Hopefully he doesn’t agree with that statement. Can you and your husband say something like, “we need the room to make a study or place space for the kids” or “we need to renovate the room” or something similar or perhaps more direct? Maybe your Dad will listen. It sounds like he doesn’t want to accept his feelings of grief and is dumping his responsibility for dealing with his loss on you. I think you will become more and more resentful if you let him stay.
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Be kind to yourself and to your father during this time of grieving for your mother. Do you think your father would benefit from grief counseling, and would he accept it? As people get older, sometimes they do get more selfish. It will be up to you to create the boundaries in your home and with your family. They say that it's not good to make major life decisions soon after a spouse passes away. But perhaps it's time for your father to think of moving to a senior residence where they will cook meals for him and do the cleaning, (take care of him) etc. He'll meet new people there, and there will always be people around him. The other alternative would be to have someone come in to his own home to care for him and keep him company. Be careful what you wish for...he may find another woman to love if he begins to reach out. When the time is appropriate, discuss with him and make sure that all of his legal paperwork is in order. His legal documents may have to be updated now (living will, setting up powers of attorney for financial and medical matters, a will if he has assets, etc.). Beneficiaries will have to be changed on bank and other financial forms. Be sure that you are on file with his Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on his behalf.
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You say “Mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage”. And “having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate”. He probably said what he wanted, and your mother just did it. It’s blindingly obvious that you are not going to get him to leave unless you make it happen. I think removing the bed he has been sleeping in is a very good idea – visible proof that he’s not spending the night. Then take him home. Make up the bed before hand, ready.

Of course he will be furious, and there will be lots of harsh words and accusations. But that’s what it is going to take. It will only get more difficult the longer he stays, and the less he is used to living in his own house. He is of the generation that has a firm expectation that he does what he wants, and women – wife, daughter, whatever – fall into line. Making all the other arrangements with brother, and hoping that Dad will go along with them, is a waste of your time.

After you have got him home, it might be worth talking about the options, like AL. Your place is the best option now, and this might change when he is home by himself.

It is also good advice to think about whether your mother was indeed ‘covering for him’. It sounds that at 70 he is quite capable, but he has probably stopped both paid work and doing a lot of ‘man’ jobs, while relying on your mother more and more. My in-laws had a stronger example of it when Grandma died suddenly with a stroke. Adult children had thought she was a pain for nagging him so much, and taking over so much. Then when she died they found out that he was far less competent than they thought. It can be hard to pick. But the in-law couple were well into their eighties, so it may not be the same with you.
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My mom lives next door to me and has been a single mom her whole life. When she tries to argue with me about parenting issues, I turn around and ask her, "Who was there to criticize YOUR parenting when you were my age? Answer: No one." And she sees it and can't argue against it.

My point is that your parents had their privacy whenever they wanted it. You should have the same that he enjoyed. If he says he wouldn't have minded it, you inform him there's no way for him to know that for a fact since he wasn't forced to experience it.

Give him his move-out date. Give him lots and lots of help and assurances. Have your brother there every other day for a while, then phase it out but check with him every day and make sure to go visit him to see if he's doing self-care.

Your first priority is to your husband and family, just like your dad made your mom his priority, and you should never feel guilty for upholding this. If rational arguments don't budge him, then I think you need to assume there is cognitive issues going on, or he is having depression from the grief (which is not uncommon and very understandable).

I wish you a smooth transition for him. So sorry for the loss of your mom, may you receive peace in your heart.
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At the risk of sounding insensitive, which is NOT my intention-
I know it has only been 3 months, but maybe discreetly put the word out among close friends and find a NICE lady to introduce to him. Widower men who were happily married for a long time tend to be LOST without that companionship and usually want it again.
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Cover99 Apr 2022
then the criticism from some he moved on too fast after his wife passed.
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Tell him that your family will be gone for two weeks for a work trip, or better yet, househunting, better yet marriage and family counseling while contractors work on the house and don’t want anyone there.

Present him with IL AL brochures for the interim.
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Thanks everyone for your input .. my Dad absolutely wants to return to his house. I asked him that during our first conversation when I told him he needs to spend more time there. He would never do assisted living or move to an apartment, and he would NEVER let my brother and I touch or move anything if my mom’s that is in the house. I imagine things will stay exactly as they are until he passes. Truth is, he is completely capable of caring for himself, he just hasn’t had to. He’s 70, walks several miles a day, knows how to cook a meal, can do his own laundry, takes my kids wherever they want to go … he just doesn’t want to leave my house because it’s comfortable for him here.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2022
Be careful that he doesn't replace mom with you. This is a very real issue and it has already started by what you have said.

He says but, his actions prove otherwise.

You have to decide to stand up for your family life or accept dad as a permanent fixture. His saying you have no right... proves he thinks you are still subject to his parental authority and you are not.

This will not get easier, so bite the bullet and stop letting him hijack your life or figure out how to accept your new normal, larger family.
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Obviously your mother pampered him, gave him a lot of attention, this is not unusual especially with a SAHM of that generation.

You might want to ask him if he would like to go to Independent Living or Assisted Living, there he will have lots of people to associate with and in AL, there is a dining room as well. Basically everything will be done for him.

Give him a choice, either go home or go to a facility.

If you don't tell him, he will never go back to his home.
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Maybe it's because of all the memories in the house, maybe you and your brother can go in to his house and clean it out. My husband passed 4 months ago and I have yet been able to remove his clothes and things , we were married for 35 years. How do you get rid of 35 years of love and devotion. It may be extremely hard sleeping in that house without your mother, I took care of my husband for 8 years before his passing and at night I still can hear him.
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