My mom passed away 3 months ago. It was quick and unexpected. Of course I asked my Dad to stay with us (married, 2 kids) a couple nights. Well that’s turned into 3+ months and I don’t see him returning to his house anytime soon. He was avoiding spending any time at his house in the beginning except to grab the mail .. I talked to him (tried to, he completely shuts down if he hears anything he doesn’t like) 6+ weeks ago and told him I thought he should be spending more time there. Since then, he has worked up to 3 hrs/day MAX at his own house (15 mins from mine). He is gone most of the morning/afternoon but is at my house for supper every evening and stays afterwards and sleeps here. I love my dad but I miss my alone time and the time with just my husband and kids. He says he wants to go back to his house but he doesn’t want to be alone and is heart broken over losing my mom. He doesn’t consider that I am grieving too and having him here is a constant reminder to me that my mom is gone (I was very close to my mom and my parents were at my house A LOT). My brother has offered to spend time at my dad’s house with him and even spend the night but my dad has declined. I feel like he is only thinking of himself and has even told my husband that I have no right to ask him to leave. WTH?!? This is completely stressing me out and having an open, honest conversation with him will NEVER happen because he does not communicate. It’s so frustrating. My mom took care of everything for him and allowed him to be selfish in their marriage .. so he keeps saying ‘I’ve never lived alone’, ‘she did everything for me’, etc. I feel like I did us both a disservice by offering for him to stay .. I should’ve stayed with him instead. He is totally capable of caring for himself, he just doesn’t want to. I am starting to resent him only thinking of himself and putting me in this position. Any advice?!? I want my old life back!!!!!
You began your caregiving journey as a temporary situation to help your dad in his grief. It’s kind, compassionate and commendable.
While I understand others offering well-meaning advice on selling his home, etc. that is not legally practical.
Maybe sitting down with your dad, with your hubby, and relaying to him that you’ve been glad to help one another through your grief, but it’s time to return to your lives.
Stay strong, and offer options that have boundaries.
- Brother has offered to stay as long as he and you decide you need to when you return to your home.
-Dad, we enjoy dinner time together.
we’d like to invite you every Thursday for a family dinner. It’s the day the kids don’t have activities, and will work great for us!
-Ok, so if you still don’t want to stay at home, would you like to consider moving to a senior village apartment, assisted living(etc)
where others will be close by?
Your son and I can help you look into them.
You have a right to some semblance of life with your hubby and children. 3 months can turn into 12 years.
A still capable man has lived his life, and you need to live yours. I wish I had had better boundaries when my parents started down this road to needing more care; I lost so much time with my family and friends.
The results were loss of my health, finances, my significant other.
Set the boundaries now to protect you and your family.
sending you a big hug.
That brother has offered to go to his house with him, the time amount he can give for that.
The excuse of his wife did everything for him only made him weak and dependent. If he is fearful of living alone, then have an option for a retirement village,etc.
For dad to "refuse" is not an option. Give him choices A. a night with brother at house or B. go to his house alone overnight one night. No other options.
Then increase to two nights at home etc., try to set a plan that takes a month or two to get to your goal.
You'll need many repeated "we love you , this isn't about our feelings for you. This is about how to manage my marriage and being a mother.