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I am the middle child and get along well with most everyone including my two sisters. However they hate each other and are constantly making snide remarks to me about each other. I stay out of it and don't comment. Both are married with families. I am single. I am grieving my mother passing and will be driving 9 hours to the funeral on Monday. My older sister and her family will stay with me in my mother's house to give me some company. I have also been the go between giving the older sister important information on my mother's declining health and also the funeral arrangements. I felt that it was important as my mother's child also that she stayed informed. The younger sister doesn't want the older sister to stay in our mother's house and told me that she would fight with her on this. She then said that I was taking sides when I said why and said F*ck you too and hung up on me. She then sent me a text saying that she would not be attending our mother's funeral. The older sister also said the she and her husband would talk about it and may not attend either because they refuse to get involved in the drama. I am more than stressed out and very anxious. I will be attending alone and I am alone.

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Oh, my goodness, you poor dear!

Was there family drama before this about mom's health, or estate or care, or has this suddenly come up?

(((hugs)))))
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hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thanks. There's always been family drama. Never a peaceful time...always something. I haven't been eating or sleeping and my stomach has been in constant knots.
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I think you need to move forward as if you did not have any siblings. They are hell bent on making this about all their drama. Stay at your mom's house and attend the funeral. I wish I had something that would make this all better but your siblings WANT to fight. Stay neutral and just attend and leave. Stop worrying about keeping them informed.

Why are they feuding? Some incident or just generally don't like each other?
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kbuser Jul 2020
totally agree, my siblings feud just for the sake of feuding and try to pull me into their drama. I have finally learned to take the high road and move forward (as much as I can as if I didn't have any. They spent a lifetime making snide comments to each other and trying to create drama.
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I agree that you need to stay...aloof, shall we say?

Can you afford to stay in a nearby hotel? Might that mitigate the craziness?
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hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thank you. I plan to stay in a hotel now. She may or may not even give me a key to get in the house. I was going to stay in Ohio for a couple of weeks to help the younger sister, but those plans have changed. I'll be returning home to continue to process my grief and start my employment search.
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Dear hopeful4me,
Let me first extend my condolences to you and your family in the loss of your mother and I am so sorry that your two sisters are behaving like children and you are in the middle - both literally and figuratively speaking.
Grief is hard enough without having family members fighting, creating drama and causing distress for you - the innocent one. Not only that, because they can't put their differences aside for this important time it probably feels like you are being punished. I know you would prefer to have them both at the funeral since you get along with both of them but, please don't force the issue. Your mother only passes away once and there will only be a funeral once - don't let your sisters take that away from you.
When my dad passed away in 2004, I did not want my mother's daughter (my half sister) from her first marriage, who was 15 years older than myself, to attend my dad's funeral. Why? Because she was always trying to come between my mom and dad. My dad did not like the trouble she would cause over the years. In his last years, he did come to a place of being a little more at peace in her presence and I certainly didn't try to take that away from him as that was his business. But, she nearly ruined my parent's marriage in which all of us suffered and it left an indelible mark on me both as a child and young adult. The night after my dad passed away, the hospice Pastor who had been visiting our family while he was dying could see I was troubled. He asked what was wrong and I explained that I didn't want her at the funeral causing trouble and ruining everything that we had planned (she had already ruined my wedding day). My husband and I made all the arrangements as my mom was 79 and she couldn't think clearly. I wanted everything to be nice but, she gets angry when she isn't the center of attention and tends to storm off and disappear making my mom go look for her. I just couldn't bare that happening. So the Pastor told my mom everything I told him.
The day of the funeral, I was slightly nervous wondering if she would "just show up" even though she lived over an hour away. Thankfully, she didn't and we had a lovely service.
This was the first death I had ever experienced in my immediate family and I was so naive thinking everyone would just get along. It is extremely painful to realize that it's not always the case.
You have done everything you can do to help bring everyone together peaceably. Please attend your mom's funeral even if it means alone. Your sisters will be the ones who will (if they have any shred of humanness) have to deal with any regrets if and when that time should come. Go in peace my dear and may you feel God's love and comfort in the difficult days ahead!
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hopeful4me Jul 2020
Thank you. I am so tired of the drama between the two of them that goes back 20 plus years and a lot of she said, she said stuff. The funeral is about our mother and they really should be able to respect that. If they don't attend so be it...I will be there alone to honor and respect my mother.
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I’m sorry for your loss. It’s unfortunate to not get full support from your siblings at this time. Sadly, family dynamics are often strained at times like this. Due to covid, many families are foregoing funerals, opting for graveside rights or delaying all gatherings until sometime to be determined later. I’d considering doing something like that, unless you are expecting other people to attend. There are many ways you can pay tribute to your mother’s life on your own. I wouldn’t let others diminish your experience. They sound very immature. Perhaps, them staying away may be more peaceful.
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Dear hopeful4me,
After reading your responses to everyone's comments, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you are taking action in the midst of this difficult time - you're drawing a line in the sand as to what you will and won't do.
It's time to let the battle belong between your two sisters and stay completely out of the fray. They have relied on you far too long trying to get you to take each of their sides and you seem to have been able to take the high road in being loving towards each one of them individually. Try not to allow them to "suck" you back in ever again. This has taken its toll on you over the past 20 + years and you've already said that you are having a difficult time eating, sleeping and that your stomach is tied up in knots. Of course, I realize that a good part of that is having just lost your mother which is normal but, it's also accumulative as well. I'm glad you see that the "funeral is about your mother and they should be able to respect that". Well said - it sounds like you have several plans upon your return. I applaud you for that and wish you the best!
P.S. And do be careful as you drive 9 hours Monday for her funeral!
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Fine. Attend alone. These two drama Queens don't even DESERVE to be there. We nurses who, when death was coming, or HAD come, used to call those family members "The ones who steal the Thunder". Meaning, no matter there has been death and pain and loss, it is STILL and ALWAYS all about them. This is a great tragedy. Usually we see "Siblings at War" on the forum, making miserable the life of a poor elder already incapacited by the vagaries of age and illness. Now we get to see two trying to tear one remaining decent sister apart. So warring siblings plus one I guess we could call it when you write the great american novel about family angst. SHAME ON THEM. Just shame on them. Mom isn't going to even know there is a funeral. Do what comforts YOU. For me that would be the cancelling of a funeral no one but you even cares to attend. I am so sorry for you. I hope you will update us when this is all over and tell us you are doing OK.
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jacobsonbob Jul 2020
I suspect she should go to the funeral even if she is the only one there. She doesn't need to let the sisters steal this or ruin it for her.
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I feel so sorry for you going through all of what you are dealing with! I hope you get some peace of mind soon.
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So sorry for your loss. I agree, you seem to be the sane one. If they don't show up they don't show up. A funeral is not for the dead its for the living. A time to say our goodbyes and celebrate the person's life. If your sister's want to cut their noses off to spite their faces, then its their loss.

The Hotel sounds good. Stay neutral. Do what you need to do and then return home. When one sister calls to complain about the other, just say not your Drama, not getting involved you just don't have the energy.
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So sorry for your loss. Focus on your fond memories of your mother and dealing with your own loss. Their loss is theirs and theirs alone. Let them have at it - sometimes we can play go between and help work things out, but clearly this isn't going to work and will only make you more miserable. Do what you feel is right for yourself. They are "grown" women (considered adults!), they can do what they want, but you don't have to be sucked down into their whirlpool!

As BarbBrooklyn said, "Your mother raised ONE smart and compassionate child."
It is odd how those raised under the same roof can turn out so different, but it is what it is. I don't have sisters, just 2 brothers, but at times they were like this. Once during a 3 way discussion (I think it was group text), the two of them went at it, blaming, comparing what they did or didn't do, etc. I was so disgusted I exited and turned my phone off. I have lost count how many times I have said that I think I am the only one in the family who got any brains!!! I'm no Einstein, but seriously...

"I've taken myself out of the middle and both will have to fend for themselves to get information. I'm done."
Sounds like a GREAT PLAN! Stick to it!

Our mother is still in MC (4+ years now.) Until lock down, I was really the only one visiting. OB isn't local, nor is he welcome here anymore. He was abusive to me when we were children, and during the move to MC and prepping condo for sale I discovered this never really went away. After physically and verbally abusing me yet again, I had him leave and am done with him. He did not attend dad's burial, and I don't expect him to travel here for mom's either, whenever that happens. Good, I say! YB hasn't made any real improvements in our relationship. I stopped pestering him to say whether he was going to join us for some holiday meal, or special day (pestered because it would sometimes take multiple texts to get an answer, and even then it was vague!) The only reason for contact at this point is one medical appointment requires taking her outside the local transport area and I can't support her weight (she won't stand or walk on her own anymore.) So, this falls on him and he's always complaining about it and/or trying to get out of it. It is only 4x per year - not like it takes up that much of his sorry existence! He also has more time to go before he can retire, and most likely mom will be gone by then, so he will be scot-free!!!

At that point, I don't plan any kind of memorial or big ceremony. Her plans include cremation and burial with my dad's remains. Most friends and all close family are gone (she'll be 97 in about 3 weeks, going on 2!) so there's no point to big plans. I doubt OB would come (yay!) and don't really care if YB plans to. Hoping my daughter can go with me, as she did with my dad - she lived a good long time and had a GREAT retirement, so at this point it is just getting through the inevitable.

Do what is best for YOU. Don't even give them another passing thought. If they pop into your head, banish them! If perhaps they do both end up at the burial/funeral, distance yourself from them. If they start the blame game and finger pointing, cut them off and tell them they are sullying mom's memory and should just stop. Walk away. Keep them at arm's length. Honor yourself and your mom. Period. No one needs that kind of crap going on when we are grieving!
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It is probably a blessing in disguise if neither sister attends the funeral.

You should let them know for once how you feel about it and that their selfishness and bickering of thinking only of themselves even at this time is awful.

Let them know you will be attending the funeral by yourself and will offer neither one of them any more updates.

Love and Prayers
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jacobsonbob Jul 2020
She doesn't even need to do either of these--she should just avoid them altogether unless there is some legality in which one or both must be involved.
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I am sorry for your loss of mom. Atleast she is at peace now. As for your immature sisters, hopefully you have the POA on all matters. If you do, don't escalate things. You go to the funeral alone if you have too. You need closure. Now is not drama time. I wouldn't ask them twice if they are going to be attending. Love yourself and take care of yourself first. You have to step up and take charge. God bless you .
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GlendaD Jul 2020
Hello, i lost my only son last fall at the age of 43. Sudden cardiac arrest. My two daughters and I have not had a good relationship in years and his father and I have no communication and I was so worried about going to the funeral. We all had to drive in from different states. I decided to go and honor my son. As expected, my oldest daughter got in my face about paying for his cremation, which I did pay my half, and bringing up hurts from the past, (this happened right before the funeral), my youngest daughter, her father and his family avoided me like the plague. I went in sat down among my extended family and kept my mouth shut. After the funeral my oldest daughter came up to me and said, "Glad you made it". Like I would not have! Even then I kept my mouth shut. I walked away knowing I did what was right. This is a very difficult time for you and it is never an easy thing to go through especially with difficult people, but keep your head up high, ignore the people who cause the issues. So sorry for your loss.
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I am sorry for the loss of your mother and that your sisters can not be a help for you. In reality, they probably were not a lot of help while your mother was alive. Gather people around you that are caring, loving, and kind. Please consider attending a GriefShare group to deal with your loss. Everybody in the group is dealing with the loss of a loved one. These folks can be a source of comfort and care.
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Let them both know it’s time for them to pull up their big girl panties. Tell them this funeral is not about them it’s to honor your mother and if they can’t do that then you totally agree that neither one should and suffer the guilt for not coming. Anything else you should ignore and remain quiet like you have been.
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My dear - firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mother.

It is unfortunate that your two sisters are at odds, but please realize that you are not going to change them and the more you try the more you will be disappointed,

Regarding the funeral, all I can say is that we are responsible for our own actions. And your sisters are responsible for the decision as to whether or not they attend their mothers funeral. It’s a shame that they would let their ill feelings for each other overrule the love they have for their mother, but realize that that is their choice - you go, and even if that means going alone, you go to your mothers funeral, you say goodbye to her properly and you have that time with her alone if that’s what it turns out to be - you will be able to lay your head on your pillow at night knowing that you did the right thing and you may even appreciate the time that you had with just you and your mom if that’s what it turns out to be.

I know you may feel alone, remember that you are not as our dear Lord is always with us. My best to you!
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Their behavior speaks to who they choose to be. Your behavior is a reflection of you. You do you and allow them the time they need to reconnect with you. If they can not get their act together at this crucial time, it is NO reflection on. you.
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Unfortunately something sounds very wrong with your sisters’ relationship with each other and they are only hurting themselves and not each other by refusing to go to the funeral. They will never be able to undo not attending and may regret their decision later. Luckily your mother in heaven knows the truth and I hope you can go and honor your mothers life for your own self. Don’t try to fix your sisters. They have to want that for themselves.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
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Unfortunately something sounds very wrong with your sisters’ relationship with each other and they are only hurting themselves and not each other by refusing to go to the funeral. They will never be able to undo not attending and may regret their decision later. Luckily your mother in heaven knows the truth and I hope you can go and honor your mothers life for your own self. Don’t try to fix your sisters. They have to want that for themselves.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
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When you are involved in a triangle relationship it is hard to stay above the fray. Sadly in a triangle we all have are roles. What role are you? The peacemaker. The balance that won’t tip the scales. The person who listens to the garbage drama. Start having linear relationships with your sisters. Decide once and for all not to get involved the triangle. It is hard, I know.But, when you make a change they might get the message that you really are above the fray. Their drama might be normal for sisters but it is not healthy for you especially at this time. Your chances of changing your sisters attitudes is low, even if you feel they are selfish boobs, especially if the drama has been going on for twenty years. Repeat the sentence - Your chances of changing your sisters attitude is low, since the drama has been going on twenty years. Get yourself mentally and maybe physically out of the triangle. Simple is not always easy.
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naddahap Jul 2020
Our roles, not are roles. No way to edit bad grammar once I hit that button.
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So sorry for your loss.
My two cents: Deaths tend to accentuate family dynamics to an acute level. And shift things in a momentous way for the future depending on how we relate to the events. Many times, people who use another's death to try to get attention for themselves and their own negativity are cementing a path in their own lives which will continue to play out over the years, so you may see your sisters become even more embittered beyond this event. In which case it's wise to begin to distance yourself and get on with your life without them in it. Your sisters could choose to use this as an opportunity to heal, but they seem terrified, clinging to old familiar ways of being - which are, unfortunately, corrosive. In the aftermath, there will be consequences for the ones who chose to behave in ways that were other than uplifting towards the the legacy and memory of the one who passed on. You are on the right path. They need counseling and support to see their selfish inability to embrace in an emotionally mature way, the loss of their mother.
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If your sisters have all of the information on the funeral, then you could simply not answer your phone. Sometimes the parent is the only link holding siblings together. Once your grief eases, you can decide if and how you want your sisters in your life.
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Don’t let anyone take one moment of this time from you. And don’t give them one moment. So no more go - betweening as the peacemaker. This time after your mums death is all about you and her so don’t get distracted. They’re adults. They’ll figure it out one way or another. Take a deep breath and let everything else fade into the background so you can honour your mum, cry, remember. Take care,
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Hopeful,
Sorry for the loss of your mother, Sending my thoughts and prayers to you during this most difficult time. You can private message me anytime for support.
You have enough to deal with. Emotions are high during a death of a parent. Do not get involved with your sisters squabbles, it is their relationship. Let them do what they want about the funeral. Very sad they can't set aside their feelings for the sake of your dear mother, how selfish and cruel. You have every right to have your sister stay with you. The other sister sounds quite controlling, let her be. Plan your mother's funeral and stay away from negative energy. It is really their problem to begin with. You can't fix them. Personal hardships sometimes bring out the best or the worst in a person. You are the strong and compassionate one, your mother would be proud. Stay focused on what needs to be done. Remember you are never alone, God is not far away. Hugs to you!!
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Hopeful4me, great big warm hug!

I am so sorry for your loss and that your sisters can't just stop their nonsense for 1 day.

May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you peace and grieving mercies to hold you up during this time.
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I am so sorry about your lost and hope that in the end you will have the opportunity to bid fairwell to your mother with dignity and honor. Disfuntional relationships are a part of most family in our society, you are not alone! If in your heart you belive that you are not the cause or reason for your sisters problem the you must look ahead and focus on this unique moment of live. In the end time will be the best master in sorting out your sister trouble. May God bless you and your family in this time of need.
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I’m sorry to hear this. But I understand your pain. All you can do is be the strong one that you are. Attend the funeral of course. But if your sisters have all this drama. Let them have it. Stay true to yourself and your heart. Obviously there was drama before your moms passing. They have to grow up and deal with themselves. May your mom Rest In Peace
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First of all my condolences to your mother's passing. As they old saying goes" you cant make everyone happy". The only happiness you should be responsible for is yours. Your sisters threatening to not attend your moms funeral will be a decision they will regret for the rest of their lives. But that's their decision. Why have them bring negativity to an event that should be focused on your mother. Your not their therapist. ( sounds like they need one) Many funerals are now being streamed to family members by ZOOM or Facebook. Let them utilize that option.
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# 1 It sounds as if the younger sister is very immature. Leave her alone. If she does decide to come let her know her dramatics will not be tolerated. Just talk with your other sister and explain how family needs to come together and help each other in this trying time. I am sure she will come around.

# 2 You are not alone. Take comfort in Christ. You are in my morning prayers.

I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide me how to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.
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I had the same issues with my older brother and younger sister, whom did not inform me of my mothers decline until it was too late. Its a long story. This is the best advice I can give you. Just do YOU, don't worry about their decisions. You can only control yourself and your own reactions. Don't get in the middle and if they call and make you upset, tell them you will respect any decision they make and just hang up politely. This is normal I see it all the time. Just go to your moms funeral and be at peace. Don't worry about them and their families for now. They will drag you down and into this at any cost. Just be calm and say I respect your decision and thank you for the information.
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There is very little you can do if you want to stay out of the drama. When something similar happened to me I went to the funeral with a friend, arrived just in the nick of time, sat in the back of the church and left as soon as the service was over. It eliminated any opportunity to start a fight. Hopefully you can do something similar
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Mysteryshopper Jul 2020
I think this is perfect. I did this very thing a few years back. A former partner of my current significant other was present and I had no way to predict her reaction to seeing me. My fear was that she would do something and we would both end up somehow looking bad. We can't control others - only ourselves. And, not giving others the chance to cause a scene is actually a way of being loving towards them from afar. It's a very real risk that even though I would never call someone out at a funeral, it doesn't mean someone else won't try it when emotions are raw.
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