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After a failed marriage of 17 years to a narcissist, I moved home to my hometown and bought my first home, 3 bedrooms and 2 baths. I bought a home with an extra bedroom with my mother in mind as she is aging. Her living conditions were anything but desirable and unsafe. She has COPD and smokes like a chimney. She is a crafter. Many social activities with her friends. But she has completely dominated my house. I had my private bathroom in my office (smallest bedroom in my house), my room and the extra room for her. I don't allow smoking in the house, but said she can come in my office to smoke when she can't go outside. She has not "been able to go outside at all." She moved her stuff into my private bathroom in the office, and her recliner. She now uses my office as her private living room and smokes the day away watching the Hallmark channel. I expressed my concerns about being pushed out of MY private domain, and she blows up at me: "It's not fair, you can't do this to me, I knew this would happen." Boo hoo. Guilt trip. Mind you, she has a bedroom and has also taken over my sun room for her crafting. The only privacy I have is in my bedroom. She has pushed me out of my office because everything stinks like cigarettes. I can't study for my nursing school in my office because "shes watching tv and smoking." I told her I needed my office and again, she says I can't do this to her, boo hoo. I just don't know a practical and delicate way to tell her she needs to back off. I didn't buy her a home, I bought me one with a room, (one room) for her. Well, and I conceded in my garden room so she could have "her dream" of a huge 24x24 crafter haven. Help? I mean, I left a dominating husband to come home to be dominated my my aging mother. And before she moved in, I set the boundaries and we talked about it, but once she was here, things changed. I feel defeated, lost, walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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Time to evict your mother to another living situation. She will not abide by your rules or needs. She needs to live somewhere else where w=she has clear cut rules and clearly designated areas that are "hers" and "not hers." Might I suggest that assisted living might be a better place for your mom than your home. After she goes, please consider painting rooms with a paint that will block the smoky smell and thoroughly clean all your belongings.
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66? I got married at 65. I retired then, but went back to work summers at an interagency dispatch and logistics center working 12 to 14 hours a day until 79, then I only worked weekends until 86 when I retired again.

So she cries, so what? It seems to me that you need to read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I had to get therapy in order to be able to assert myself. You can do it. The world won't come to an end when you say "no". I thought it would. The first time it took me 3 weeks to say "no", suprising how freeing it is.
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I thought more about the situation. What came to mind is that since she knows the rules and DELIBERATELY breaks them, she may be doing it to have YOU make the decision to find a different living situation for her. She may not WANT to live with you.
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I would not take for granted the post that says “unfortunately Mom has tenant rights so you can’t just throw her out”. Clearly a guest who has no tenancy agreement, does not necessarily need a court order to get them out of the house. Even if the details of the law vary from state to state, don't assume that the law or the police will stop you using your own house appropriately.

There is a lot to be said for just doing it – give her notice with a chance to change (that’s only fair), keep a note for evidence, take her and her belongings to a hotel, and change the locks. Let her work out how to find and pay for a lawyer, if she wants to go down that path. In the circumstances you have described, she may have difficulty in finding anyone willing to try to force you take her back in.
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JanieA: This dynamic is not working. Second hand smoke can be very hazardous to YOUR health. Your mother's living arrangement must be amended. Smoking is such a nasty crutch as it stinks up EVERYTHING.

True story: My dear friend's mother recently contracted lung cancer AND passed away due to second hand smoke; her husband smoked for years in the home while she inhaled it and SHE, herself was never a smoker of nicotine.
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Llamalover47 Mar 2022
Alphabase: See my post above.
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This is a terrible situation. Unfortunately Mom has tenant rights so you can’t just throw her out. You’ll have to evict her through the court system, which is a long, expensive and very stressful situation. You’ll need a lawyer and it will be expensive, so you’ll have to decide if it’s worth it to you to go through all that. The alternate is just letting her stay till she dies, which could be 20+ years, or walk away from your investment. Laws vary by state so start looking for a lawyer.
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AngieGuido74 Mar 2022
how about threatening to put her in a home see how she reacts! there are places who take elderly who aren't bed ridden. i forget the name
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Because I LOVE my children, I do not EVER want to be a burden to them. Therefore, although I am 75 years old with COPD(non smoking although my mom was a chain smoker and my dad used to blow smoke into my mouth when I was an infant and then laugh), CHF , Diabetes with insulin, Atrial Fibrillation with risk of stroke, Osteoarthritis with horrible pains, with a pacemaker defibrillator inside my best, I LIVE ALONE in an over 65 year old apartment complex. Is it HARD? Oh, yes and sometimes I scream in pain, and cry; but, when I cry, it is because of REAL pains, not manipulation. It takes VERY long to get from one room to the next. I am ANGRY that your mom is showing YOU, her loving daughter, such BLATANT and RUDE DISRESPECT. Look up GAS LIGHTING because you are also a victim of that psychological illness in your mom. Never in a BILLION YEARS would I so disrespect the two grown sons I have. I realize they do WHAT THEY CAN for me WHEN they can and that is ALL I can ask.I was pro active in contacting my city's Office on Aging, and a nice social worker came out and gave me LOTS of help in living on my own. I now get one free meal a day and use delivery service to buy food from supermarkets. For transportation I use a Special needs bus for the elderly from our city government. And to show even more love to my kids, I SEND THEM E MAILS without expecting anything in return. Every day: Good morning, have a great day remember to smile and laugh. Every evening: I love you messages with pictures I find on Google to make them smile. It is MY JOB as a mom to PREPARE them for when I am no longer on this earth. I have one cousin who comes from far away once a month to fix and repair things change my water bottles in my water machine, and do what I need that a housekeeper who comes a half hour a day twice a week can't do. I THINK YOUR MOM would BE HAPPIER living on her own. It sounds as if she RESENTS that you did all that without consulting her.
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karenchaya Mar 2022
Sorry, typo. Not best, CHEST.
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As a caregiver to a mother who was abusive to me as a child, I understood exactly what I was offering when I said I would keep her in her own home. I did the work in the years I spent outside of her control, learned my boundaries and how to communicate them, and spent three decades actively shaping her behavior by rewarding positive interactions and having a hard-line, zero tolerance for inappropriate communication. THIRTY YEARS!

While my work on myself has led to a successful and rewarding relationship now, I did not live with my mother, nor did I invite her into my home as a permanent guest.

I will say again: THIRTY YEARS of work went into a positive caregiving relationship for both of us.

This question has nothing to do with caregiving.
You grew up in an environment that distorted your boundaries to such an extent that you married an abuser. Then, first chance you got, you returned home and invited your original abuser into your home. You hold the power to claim your life. But, not without a long, hard look at yourself and even harder development of skills and boundaries to ensure you learn to care for yourself and stop enabling others. You do not have those skills now.
The only question you should ask is to the person in the mirror: will you start today to learn the skills you need for a successful life, or waste even more time by staying in abusive relationships?
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AngieGuido74 Mar 2022
i hear what you're saying but how does one step way back without guilt feelings
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Your mother is 66 and can easily live another THREE DECADES! Think about that & roll it off your tongue a few times. THIRTY more years of this behavior in your home, smoking, stinking up the place & giving YOU lung cancer from second hand smoke! What kind of selfish mother does this to her daughter, that's my question? I am 65 in July and would NEVER do this to either one of my children, not in a million years, even if my DH were to drop dead tomorrow (God forbid) and I were to be alone. Because it's wrong on every level to impose myself on my children's lives and then start bringing MY bad habits (if I had any) with me into THEIR home & expect them to give up THEIR space for MY hobbies! Then go out & buy a carton of cigarettes and start lighting them up and blowing smoke all over their fabrics and carpets and clothing, to add insult to injury. I'll bet reading my statement makes you mad, doesn't it? Well this is what YOU are allowing YOUR mother to do to YOU! And yes, I DO have bad habits, smoking is not one of them though. But if I were to move in with one of my kids, I'd annoy the hell out of them b/c I'm set in MY ways and it would bug them, no doubt, plus it would strip me of my autonomy. A lose-lose situation for all concerned.

The best thing you can do is to move mom OUT of your house and into a place of her own where she can do whatever she pleases w/o repercussions and w/o bothering anyone or causing them to get cancer from second hand smoke. Senior independent living places are GREAT alternatives & would give her a source of activities and socialization she is not getting in your house. Plus it would get her out of YOUR home & give you a chance to breathe again, literally & figuratively. Your mother does not and will not respect boundaries, and must have things HER WAY which means she needs to live in her own place. Not yours. I love ya ma, I just need you to move out so we can continue having a relationship and I won't wind up disliking you in the end. We can have lunch or dinner once a week and catch up together instead of cohabitating b/c it's NOT working out. Let me help you find a new place to live. Tomorrow. April 1st is coming right up so if you hurry, you can get her into a new place by then!

It was a nice try that didn't work out. No harm done. Just get her out NOW before she's so entrenched in your home and in your life that you'll need a chisel to get her out. And remember 3 decades. It's a LONG time, a lifetime, really, and there's no time to waste!

GOOD LUCK!
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Janie, you’ve had 39 answers, all saying much the same thing, and you haven’t replied to any of them. Unless I’m doing something wrong, you haven’t marked any of them as ‘helpful’, and you haven’t posted again yourself.

This suggests two options: 1) You’re a troll who just wanted to stir people up; or 2) No-one said what you wanted to hear.

Just in case you really wanted someone to suggest a magic solution that would change your mother instead of needing you to change, here’s something a bit in the middle.

Take mother out for a coffee. Sit outside so she can smoke, and take a box of tissues with you. Tell her your new rules, and say she has 2 weeks to shape up or ship out. If she doesn’t, you will take her to a hotel and change the locks on the house (actually change one lock and put bolts inside the others – it’s cheaper). You will pack a suitcase to take to the hotel with her, and you will put all her other things in big plastic boxes ready to take to her new home. Leave her with the tissues and taxi fare, and walk out. If you want to be dramatic, take an egg with you and crack the shell into your coffee cup as you leave.

This should tell both of you that you mean it, and it gives mother 2 weeks to think about it. If you can’t do this, perhaps your best bet is to move somewhere else and just let mother have the whole house to herself. She can then make her living conditions undesirable and unsafe, just like before, and you aren't forced to stand up for yourself. Why not?
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Debstarr53 Mar 2022
My bet is on the troll. either way, she has now ghosted this post. Unless, of course, now Mommy Dearest has decided she want daughter's phone and computer too; and why not, she gets everything else she wants.
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am very truly sorry. I was in a similar situation. I made a lot of changes, altered my behavior and I'm in a much better place now.

You need to "pull up your big girl pants" and begin to enforce your "rules". It is your house, assuming she does not pay for part of it. Easy to say, however, very tough to practice, especially since your Mom has learned that house rules can be ignored when it comes to you.

I would suggest that you find a therapist to help you and support you through this time and/or read books and follow them on how to discipline a teenager.

If doing this behavior modification is too hard on you, I suggest that you come to the reality that your Mom and you cannot live in the same space, and look for another place for both of you to live, like a duplex or 2 condo units in the same apartment complex.

Your Mom is bullying you. She will only change her behavior if you force her to change. You must take charge and change your behavior, if you are going to survive this period of your life.
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Janie, I truly feel for you. What I have found out is sometimes the nicer you are, the more they will take advantage of you. For the life of me I don't why. I truly feel for you. I just keep saying to myself this is my pathway to heaven. God bless you and please know that you are not alone. Blessings
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Hello Janie:
Just one question here. Whose house is it?
As I understood it it is YOURS. If she dominates your house, it is because you
have allowed it.
The first time she took over your garden room to craft, this first time your mother smoked anyplace other than the rooms you designated, the first time you backed down while she blew up, she had you.
She violated your boundaries. You had the discussion but I bet she knew you would not enforce them. Is this a theme in your relationships? Just a thought.

Had you had a chance to heal from your divorce before she moved in? Had you had a chance to look at the part you played in relationships with domineering people?
You are NOT defeated, or lost. Why should you walk on eggshells in YOUR home?
She has options. The two of you could find her a senior place she can live in on her own and do what she likes. She sounds like she is of sound mind. Get your life and peace of mind back. Time to enforce YOUR rules. Or find her somewhere else to live.
There is no practical or delicate way to say what you know you need to say.
Tell her in a firm voice the rules you want respected in YOUR house if she is to live with you.

You got out of one abusive situation to land in another?
"It's not fair"?
How about it's not fair that you took her in in the first place?
How about it's not fair that she gets to do what she wants while you feel confined to one room? In a house YOU are responsible for.
How about it is not fair that you lost your privacy?
How about it is not fair you have to put up with cigarette smoke? Yuck!
Then, there is the safety issue with smokers. Dropped ashes, embers or smoking in bed. If think your mother won't do that next....no boundaries....

You're better than me in that respect as NO smoking in my house means that.
When my brother lived with me, I said NO smoking in the house. So he would smoke outside. He tried once in his room blowing the smoke out of the window and I smelled it and said NO smoking indoors. He did not try that again but ended up breaking the staunch rule(not this one) that I told him NEVER to break.

Not once, twice but three times. Fool was I but when enough was enough,
3 strikes you are out. People do what you allow them to.
I told him to move out. No arguing. Did I feel guilty for putting him out? At times
as he was struggling but I was not willing to live with what he did.

You have to draw a line in the sand for your life and your peace. When a person crosses it, then THEY have to deal with the consequences. Your mother does not sound appreciative of the help you tried to give.
You tried to help her but unless she is willing to respect YOU, your home and the rules, she can't stay there.

Was this move temporary or long term? Did you think this plan out or she cried, you panicked, felt sorry for her and moved her in. In the midst of recovering from a divorce? Why? Lonely? Afraid to be alone? Ask yourself why?

You have a right of peace while you recover from your divorce.
Get your peace back!
You KNOW what you need to do. You just needed encouragement to do it.
Good luck!
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Wasn't your mom a classic mix of very dominating and a boo-hooer while you were growing up? After your husband, this current second round with your mom, I'm willing to bet a lot of money you will find another dominating person.

Your needle is skipping. You brought into your home someone you knew was not an adult. COPD and smokes? Are you crazy? You took that in.
You knew what she was and you flung open the door. Really, what was your motive?

I've got to say it again. Even no COPD, and just plain smoking. Holy c—p. STINK!!! And please, what a complete picture, crafts, smoking, spreading out, and love movies. It's so, so, so, sad. What a fine example.

Living in undesirable and unsafe conditions? A perspective house mate has to prove their worthiness by showing that they are already living sensibly by being organized, and clean (soap doesn't cost much) and that their word was their bond. Even with a health challenge, they must show, for instance, that they were not stupid enough to have COPD and still smoke, and that as much as they liked crafting they didn't spend what little money they had on smokes, glue, paper and tape. For crying out loud. Are your eyes open? Money to by cigarettes and crafts, holy cr-p. If she likes crafting, go to a senior center.

Did you ever see her have self-respect? Did she ever show you self-respect?

Any adult women who boo-hoo's is a clown. This is the tactic of a manipulating child. But if you buckle to it your part of her circus, your a clown too.

You did this. She is not even the problem. You knew what would happen but you had an ulterior motive that you ought to think deep and hard about because it will repeat.

You told your mom at the outset what your areas and her areas were. The minute she put a tissue into your space you should've shoved her stuff in a box and say "first infraction. Three more and we look for an apartment for you". Punctuate with a big smile and a shrug.

OMG, who the hell cries after 12 years old?

You're begining to harbor resentment? You're very funny.
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Argh. SO Sorry! you are going thru this with your NPD Mom. I read all the comments below (Helps me so much to read them. Gives me strength to keep my boundaries in place.) YOU are entitled to peace! YOUR mental health is most important. She is young. WTH. 66?! I have no pity for any person who is healthy and elderly (and again, 66 is young!). LOVE those who chime in with: get involved with charities, friends, hobbies. be happy for the times with your Kids & G Kids. The "woe is me" crap needs to stop. Touches nerves with me bc my Mom (who will never live with me: NPD-Borderline) yells, screams, is negative, smokes cigars & binge watches TV programs..then wants to discuss the plot & characters endlessly. *Seems a convo is long overdue with her. She trampled over you when she moved in. Didn't ask you if OK to move pers belongings into this or that space. Treats your home like it is hers & you are a guest. This could go on for a couple decades? What about you and your dating life/future personal plans. Hardest thing for us as children of NPD Parents is to hold tight to our boundaries, but I am with those advising you to NOW change up, whether that be you moving her stuff back into areas you established as her space...or thinking about her next move a year from now if this doesn't work out. You are entitled to peace of mind. I saw a Therapist yrs ago for a handful of visits. He told me so interesting that I married someone similar to my Mom vs my very balanced Dad who passed... They did their claws in & we feel guilty when we question... 1st step: you vented here. 2nd step: take some action. Think on short term & long term.
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Janie,

Some suggestions:

1. Get three therapy suggestions for yourself specifically to talk about healthy boundaries.

2. Tell Mom you have to live in a smoke free environment for your health. Put up no smoking signs all over the place. Put a lawn chair outside and an ashtray outside and tell her that is the
only place she can smoke on your property. I worked for a company in Cleveland and the smokers would have to go outside across the street to smoke in 10 degree rainy and snowy weather.

3. I'd give her 8 weeks to move. Hire a movers to move her bed and lazy boy. Tell her the movers are coming on ____day to move her things. Find a mobile home, condo or apartment for her or let her find a place.

4. You are very, very young. Smoking devalues real estate.

5. At some point you may want to get back into the dating pool. There are nice men in your age bracket. Having a smoking Mom at your house will be a huge negative to any man you meet. Get her out of the house.

6. She is very young at 66. I live in Florida and there are many people in their 70's working.
Encourage her to get a job.
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You've been trained by your narcissistic ex to accept this. No more "boo hoo." You KNOW you're being taken advantage of. And you will need a cleaning crew to get that stink out. Please get a therapist on your side. If she cannot accept boundaries, she needs to move out - just like a rebellious 20-something would have to go if they couldn't abide by the rule of YOUR house. Be strong. You can do it just as others have said! Please post an update of your success in this. ((Hugs))
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You are allowing yourself to be controlled by your mom. She knows how to get around you. You need to get her out of there. An eviction notice would be a good start. You are enabling her when you allow her to smoke in your home. When you live with a smoker, do you realize it's not just the room she smoked in but the whole house will smell like smoke, including your clothes. It's now in the walls. She needs to go, then you need to air out that house and paint every room, ceiling included, replace all carpeting. You'll need to heavily launder all your curtains, clothing, wash all windows and mirrors inside and because of her smoking, you need to pay your Dr a visit for a check up to make sure her smoke that you are breathing hasn't harmed you because if you're becoming a nurse, you'll know second hand smoke is just as damaging as if you light up yourself. Another thing. Without a doubt, when you enter into a room, you smell like cig smoke. Your hair smells like it to. Smoke permeates everything in its path. No one likes smelling that stuff except other smokers. You've made this mess, now you've got to go to the expense of cleaning it up starting with your mom. Don't let her control you. This is YOUR home... not hers! It's obvious no amount of discussion is going to sway her to your way of thinking. Get her out of there. Bring home boxes every day. If she doesn't pack them up, then you do it. You'll be the one that needs to call around and find her another place. She'll whine, cry moan b*tch and complain but stand your ground. Keep that strong back bone. Keep us informed. We care. Good luck to you. But remember.. if you dont her her out of there, you've now got no one to blame but yourself. Stand strong!
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Take back your house , mom has expanded into everything but you allowed it. Don’t be disturbed by crocodile tears!
Decide what YOU want to do. If it is having mom live with you then enforce your rules. Assuming you have shared space in a living room and kitchen then this should at least include you having the spare bedroom or sunroom if not both. Smoking should be an absolute prohibition . If you allow it , then only outside. Perhaps get input from her doctor and help with her quitting . It is expensive and very harmful to your health as well as hers. I would think with COPD she has been advised many times to quit. You are enabling her. You don’t speak about finances but hopefully she pays her share of expenses, meaning half! The most you should have is an ashtray on the back porch for her — and not right next to the house either ..you don’t want her having the door open and that smoke getting inside . Even at this , the smoke will cling to her and so your home will still smell.
If she can’t abide by the rules , then she needs to leave. Perhaps she can go to a senior apartment which as others have said are subsidized. She is not yet old ..and should still be able to handle it ..otherwise you are also setting yourself up to be a caregiver which will not be easy with her personality. These places usually have waiting lists so get her on them now . Your community might have several so get her on all the lists .
And just a warning — when you become a nurse , they also will take advantage of your altruistic nature and ask for more than you can sometimes give. So be aware that you need downtime too. Don’t work constant overtime and also be adamant about being paid for all hours worked. ( common to see nurses who won’t put in for incidental OT when they missed lunch or stayed an extra twenty minutes. Your time is not free! Nursing is a demanding profession and can burn you out.
make sure mom knows that all this is nonnegotiable . Reclaim at least one of the spaces - spare room or sunroom for your office. If she has the spare bath then make the other one yours privately . Share expenses AND maintenance tasks like cooking and cleaning. And NO SMOKING in any enclosed space!
good luck
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You are being taken advantage of - Move her Out . Let her rent a room some where . There are Plenty of Senior apartments 65 and up that are Based on Low income housing where you Pay 30 % of your social security . I am afraid she is not going to change . She is smoking in your House , stealing your office and taking over your sun room. 66 is very young - she needs to stop Mooching and sponging off of you . There are people that think its fine to take advantage of another person . You need to grow up and Kick her out . She is not your responsibility .
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Moving her out is probably best, as others have suggested. If you want to try, Could you try downsizing her to Just the sunroom and her bedroom. Put her TV and recliner and ash tray in the sunroom. Once the weather is nice, OPEN all the sunroom windows. Smoking Outside when weather nice. No smoking in bed, of course. Good luck. I would move her to a small apartment near by. She chose to give up her dream crafting room by not following the rules. Let one of her many friends set up the crafting room in their house and she can come over and use it. Don’t give up the second half of your life for a difficult mother. There is often a reason we end up with narcissists as partners. Good luck.
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There's a lot of good advice here about telling your mom the boundaries. I would also suggest you find a place for her to go at the same time. Have an address, a moving plan for the crafts, the recliner and the ashtrays. Just talking will probably not help get her out of your house. Make a solid plan (put packing boxes in the hall!) and then tell her to bide by the original plan until she has moved to her new home. Perhaps you could pack up the craft room while she's watching a Hallmark movie! Do you have a friend who would help you pack those things? Mom might not be so BooHoo in front of a stranger.

I realize just how hard this is going to be. Try to continually remind yourself, say it to yourself over and over...........the ex ruined the first half of your life, now this woman, who just happens to be your mother, is bent on ruining the rest of your life. You tried to be a good daughter to a bad mom, it never works! Don't let it happen!

Good luck and stay tuned in here so we will know you are okay!
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Are you uncomfortable living alone?Does she provide income?

Because she should be living in her own apartment. She would probably love a senior living environment with planned activities and group get togethers. At age 66, she could be with you for a very long time.

By the way, I’m 68 and taking care of a 92 year old uncle who lived with me for two months before he was promptly removed and lives in an apartment now. Before him I gave care to his deceased wife, both my parents and my brother (ALS). I worked full-time, raised three kids and help with my Autistic grandchild and a pair of twins.

Your mother is not a victim, she is the product of her own life choices.
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You opened the door to abuse of the situation from the get go by allowing your mother to smoke in your office—in your private space. You say you don’t want smoking in your house, yet you gave your mother permission to smoke in your private space, not her private space, but your private space. She has COPD, at 66, which means she is a heavy smoker. She has COPD and she still smokes, which means she is not going to stop anytime soon. Did you really expect her to light up an occasional cigarette? Your mother’s priority is to her addiction—smoking—, not you. You will ALWAYS come second to her addiction. Simply tell your mom the situation is not working for you. Tell her she needs to move into her craft room and vacate your office. Place a lock on the office door and move the TV or get a new TV and place it in the craft room. If she has a problem with this, simply tell her:” I invited you to live in MY home. I have tried to accommodate your wishes. I expect you to accommodate my wishes. If you cannot be respectful of my wishes, then you should consider finding another place to live.” Your tears count more than hers because this is your house, not hers.
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Your mother is walking all over you, unfortunately, despite your good intentions including her in your plan for YOUR home. There does seem to be a 'pattern' here that she is taking advantage of, playing on your marriage issues; I sense your husband's personality mirrored your mom's but we don't expect our parents to 'abuse' us (but growing up we don't always recognize those traits.) Folks like your (our!) mom don't respect boundaries; they feel 'put upon' by them instead of being mutually considerate. Take back your power and your Space. Evict her from your office, and insist she only smoke outside, period. Secondhand smoke is dangerous for your health; her Narcissism makes her Not Even Care. Let her know, not even 'delicately' but frankly, as both of you are adults, that if she cannot adjust to your rules in your home she will need to live elsewhere. Then follow through. You are not 'the kid' anymore, subject to your mom's whims or lifestyle, she is privileged to live in YOUR house. She is manipulating you with all the 'you can't do this to me' to shake your resolve and bend you to her will; she is playing on your emotions; she is not demonstrating either cooperation nor gratitude, so draw a line and tell her to choose: Adjust to Your Lifestyle or Find Other Housing. All the best for all concerned, which means You, too! You've tried this arrangement and it's just not working for Both of you...time for a change!
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Janie, a bunch of us are in our 60s. I am 66 and working 60+ hours/week. No, I am not in great shape but I am not ill either. I choose to stay active. In addition to work, I drive about 500 miles/week, and have many hobbies (but no time for them). I also have kids, step kids and grandkids that I am involved with, and an elderly mother.

Change your perspective on Mom. Get her out of your house. She will probably live to torment you for decades. You are young and deserve to have a good life, hopefully with a loving partner (I met my husband at 49). It isn't just the house and space, Mom is taking over your life. If she loves you she wants you to be happy. If she doesn't feel this way she is either demented or too selfish to live with. Either way, out she goes. I'm suggesting move her out even if she does agree to rules. Having her live with you will probably prevent living with someone else in the future. Please, take your life back and go back to being a loving daughter.
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I agree with the person that asks what is preventing her from living alone. Can you find a small duplex close to you? Look into options for income for her. Social Security has an option called "Extra help" where you can get about 2-300 extra a month. Move her out and help her with the rent etc... She may actually enjoy living alone with visits from you and both will appreciate having a more positive environment. God bless you!
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You divorced a controlling husband in exchange for a bossy mom. You bought your own home allowing your mother to dominate all of the free spaces.
Take back your control, please. You need your room to study. Cigarette smoke does more than stink up the place for a day. Constant smoking in your room will eventually stick on the walls and require paint to get the smell toned down. I remember that my ex and I stayed at a motel one time, and it was horrible. The room smelled like cigarette smoke constantly since it allowed smoking.

Stop being a doormat for people. There is no tiptoeing around folks when you need to set some boundaries and enforce them.
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Santalynn Mar 2022
Yes, sounds like OP was 'trained' by mom early on, married a similar personality, then has the narcissistic mom back in her life; time to break the old patterns that are only a one-way street, not in the best interests of the grown daughter.
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What prevents her from living alone? Sounds like she is physically able, mentally able and financially able. Start looking for housing for her because this IS NOT working for you. You allowed her to move in prematurely. STOP BEING A PUSH OVER. Seek help!!
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I had the exact same scenario. It has been 3.5 years now. Mom still lives with me but we did move to a house that suited our needs better. I have had to work on my mental health a lot since I made that decision to move her in. My key suggestions are:
1. Have calm, non-accusing conversations about boundaries. Like she can have the craft room, but you need to take the office back. Try pulling some heartstrings about how much nursing school means to you and you need it for your career. If she does not relate, then you know you will just have to strongly define the boundaries and likely she will not be sympathetic on many fronts.
2. Work on mutual acceptance. My mom rarely sees my point, definitely selfish and rationalizing does not work many times. They are likely not going to change, we have to navigate around it.
3. She is suffering from loss of her home and independence. Even though it is not practical for them to live alone, they are mourning that loss. My mom never understood the sacrifices I made to accommodate her and she never will. I have learned acceptance of this challenging season of my life.
4. Remember - You are doing the morally right thing by caring for your mom. Our conflict has reduced since we learned each other’s ways, but I have threatened that she live elsewhere when she crosses my boundaries. Not sure if you have siblings, but getting a break from her is helpful.
5. I work on my mental health with Gratitude journal. Took me a long time to get there, but I have a page about the things I am grateful for about my mom. I vent to my brother on the phone (lives across the country).
6. getting her a wireless headset for the tv could help.
7. Bravo for being compassionate, brave and strong. It is not easy but your soul is richer and this will evolve and pass.
8. Don’t be scared to investigate other options so you have back-up plans if you cannot find a way to co-exist.
Hugs to you. 💜👍🏽
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