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My mother has bonded with a caretaker we have hired from an agency. The caretaker constantly tells me that my mother is " her Mom " and that she is a daughter to my mother and a sister to me.
I find this very inappropriate. My mother has short term memory loss, lives alone and her caretaker is very good for her on many levels and they have bonded which I support, but the caretaker appears to always
re-iterate to my mom that my mom is "her Mom", that "I am her sister"
"we are her family". I hear these comments from her to my Mom several time a week if not every day. My mother is bonded to her and I don't want to replace her but it appears unprofessional to me and borderline creepy.
What should I do?

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It is inappropriate. Ask her not to do this. I agree that it is creepy. She can be as fond of your both as she likes, but she is not family.
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After my last post, I was thinking ‘but what if it’s innocent?’, and I remembered an experience from many years ago. I was negotiating with the CEO of a major church welfare charity, and the telephone receptionist kept calling me ‘dear’. It was inappropriate, and my guess is that she was an older woman returning to the workforce or possibly even a volunteer. After many occasions of this, I asked ‘do you call the men who phone up ‘dear’? It’s not really appropriate’. She said ‘I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, dear’, and then almost burst into tears when she realised what she’d said. I felt bad, but if she called the CEO of the government department ‘dear’ it would not have gone down at all well. Someone needed to tell her for her own sake.

If your caregiver is innocent, she will appreciate being asked to change, particularly if you say that you have been advised to draw up a formal memo, or to notify the agency. If she doesn’t change, it’s probably an indication that it may not be innocent. It’s not an easy conversation or a good feeling to deal with it, but then if problems were easy to deal with, they wouldn't be problems!
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You’ve had two answers about the seriously bad things this can lead to. One is the caregiver feeling irreplaceable and entitled, the other is grooming for financial gifts. Each of these would be a major drama for you and your mother, and would certainly lead to a change of caregiver – if you found out in time. Deal with it now. It may upset your mother in the short term, but nothing like the upset if things go badly wrong. Both of these problems have had many posts on the site. This is not paranoia!
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I agree with the other posters. She should be calling your mom Ms ... followed by her first or last name.. This is a sign of respect.
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Countrymouse Feb 2020
Not all clients like the formality. That's why it's best to ask the client herself and directly.

I make a point, each time I meet a client for the first time, of saying (e.g.) "do you prefer to be called Mrs Smith, or do you prefer Jane?"

Although I myself always begin with Mrs or Mr Surname, I have to say the large majority of clients do state that they prefer first name terms.

Mind you, at least once every ten times the answer is "Babs" - some other pet or middle name which isn't even in the notes, sigh...
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I agree with others that say she needs to be put in her place and reminded that her role, while very important, is not that of a sister and/ or daughter.
I have a problem with letting people walk all over me, and then exploding when it’s gone way too far. I’m trying to get my feelings out sooner, before I lose my mind in a rage.
My Dad’s “housekeeper” two states away is slowly taking control and becoming more bossy with me. I’m going to have to find a way to get the situation under control on my own. You’ve been given the perfect opportunity to put your foot down right now. My Dad’s “cleaning lady “ is now depositing endorsed checks for him. Large amounts every month; she told me she’s doing it. I’m going to have to visit him more often to make sure that everything looks and smells right. Please update us and let us know what you did and said to her. It will be I inspirational for me to get a backbone with my Dad’s situation. I’m rooting for you!! Thank You/
Gretchen
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JoAnn29 Feb 2020
Its got to be hard living so far away. It makes it easy for her to take advantage of a situation. Are you POA? Can the checks be "direct deposited"? I get a check for shares my Mom had and my little pension check sent to me. Only because they are small and makes me feel "these are mine" even though they get spent on hubby too. But I can have them direct deposited.

No, don't like where HK knows about Dads accts. Hopefully ur set up to see Dads accts. At least she told you. This cleaning lady is an employee. I like u, let things fester until I finally blow up and say the wrong thing. I don't like confrontation either. I have learned there comes a time I can say how I feel in a calm manner. This woman needs to know that she is an employee. Sit down and ask her why she feels she can talk to u the way she does. Maybe its because ur not there and have no idea what goes on daily. Maybe there needs to be a little more communication between u.
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This is highly inappropriate. I understand how you don’t want to rock the boat with mom. At the same time you must put an end to this behavior. I recommend talking to CG first. Start by emphasizing the positives of how her care and how you appreciate her. Then spell out exactly how you want CG to address your mom, you and all other family members. Explain that this is mandatory. Evaluate her response. Was she understanding, apologetic, respectful of you and willing to cooperate? If yes, give her another chance. If no, call the agency and fire her. There are other good CGs out there.

It reminds me of a run in I had with my mom’s house long time house cleaner who claimed to know my mom better than I did and thought she could tell me how to care for my mother. My mom absolutely adored her. To make a very long story short, house cleaner has been fired and life is more peaceful. Turns out she was a poison pill trying to sabotage my relationship with my mom.
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The hospitals here have adapted the term "My Dear" which I did not like but let it go because it got a good response from Luz (DW).
The rehab would address Luz as Mama Luz or Mona (Mother) Luz and she loved that as well. Visitors, (nurses, therapists, etc) used the term Miss Luz.
To claim they are family or just like family seems out of line. Let the CG's employer know.
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JoAnn29 Feb 2020
Hi Sailor. Glad to see u back.
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Oh my, I feel like my head is going to explode over how inappropriate and unprofessional this behavior is.

I would have a heart to heart with your caregiver and explain all the red flags that her behavior is throwing up. Tell her how valued she is in your moms care, but her telling mom untruths is just creating a source of confusion. And as this is all about taking the best care possible of mom we don't want to do anything that will or could create more confusion, so you are asking her to stop creating a false reality with her insistence that she is your mom's 4th daughter. Make a note about the conversation and ask her to sign with the understanding that she will not be forcing herself into mom's family. Calling her mom is okay, but only that, nothing else.

If you catch her again, do a written warning that you all had talked on , insert date, about her forcing a false reality and she is now being told to stop doing this for your mom's wellbeing.

If she does it again fire her on the spot. This would tell me that she has intentions of something beyond making your mom feel comfortable.

You have allowed her to feel indispensable and I have never seen an employee that believes that they can't be replaced act with good sense, they start acting entitled and overstepping their boundaries. No good will come of letting this continue.

Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If she really has no ill intent she will feel bad about introducing a false reality that is causing confusion. If she gets testy, well she thinks she is indispensable and this will have you looking for someone more trustworthy.

When you do the written warning, send that to the agency she works with. If you have to go there, they need to know because she will end up being a problem.

You could always tell her that you are so happy that she is claiming your mom as hers and you appreciate her being willing to work for free, cuz that is what the youngest daughter does😏
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If I were in your shoes I'd absolutely hate it. But that isn't an answer.

First thing: what does your mother prefer to be called? The caregiver must call her that. If your mother actually likes this lady to call her "Mom" then - sheesh! but - okay fair enough. So what I'd do is ask your mother the specific open question: "what would you like Griselda (or whatever her name is) to call you?" And if she says "Madam" or "Mrs Jones" or "Nancy" is most comfortable for her, then that's what she is to be called, and that's what you remind the caregiver of as and when necessary.

Second thing: there are boundaries which must not be crossed. A warm, friendly connection is good. An actual emotional connection, though, is not - it crosses that boundary. Your mother is not her mother or even her friend. Your mother is her client. It's a totally different position of trust with a totally different duty of care.

This is a tricky one. If you call her agency about it as it is now, you'll get her fired. (Or they certainly ought to fire her. I know my service would certainly fire me for it). And you could risk losing a really dedicated caregiver whom your mother likes, and whose only drawback is a rather sickly-sweet gushy manner.

Do you ever get to have one-to-one chats over a cup of coffee with this lady? Could you? Bringing up the subject of professionalism in general might start a useful conversation without directly taking her to task. You could tell her what you DO expect and put up a few markers, rather than telling her to stop doing what might just come to her naturally.
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Maybe your other has asked her to call her "mom". Asking the caregiver if your mother asked, and that you are not okay with that (even if your mom may have), should settle it. It is hard to replace a good caregiver and may be very upsetting to your mom. If the caregiver really cares, she will handle your wishes!
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I would think during CNA training professionalism would be brought up.
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I’m going to give the caregiver the benefit of the doubt and assume she doesn’t understand professional boundaries and likely believes she is doing a great job by endearing herself to your mother. Since you otherwise like her work, I would gently but firmly explain your expectations to her regarding this. If it doesn’t change, then I would discuss it with the agency. See how it goes. Moving forward, if you still have a bad feeling about her, she needs to go. Listen to your gut.
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Just ask the caregiver to refer to you by your name. But, leave her calling mom,"mom" out of the discussion.
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Here in the Deep South, it is common to call the residents Miss or Mr., followed by their first name. I often hear the staff also call my mother “Mama” or “Mamacita” (she is Latina). None of that bothers me or her.

The level to which your mother’s caregiver takes it would bother me too. It’s as if she were trying to ingratiate herself into the family or as someone else posted, groom her and you. Or...... maybe she’s just immature. Since she is such a wonderful caregiver despite this, talk to her first. Tell her how much you appreciate what she does, but you want her to call your mother __________, from now on, and not Mama. You can choose to elaborate on why or not. She should get the idea from your request about her other crazy nonsense - being sisters, etc. See how that goes, before reporting her to the agency or getting rid of her
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Maybe, just maybe it makes mom more comfortable?
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
This is a valid point. If her mom doesn’t seem upset or looks at it as an endearing term. My daughter’s close friends called me mom. My close friends called my mom, ‘mom.’

She doesn’t have to accept being called sister though if that bothers her.
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I feel like if this is bothering you that you should have no qualms about telling the caregiver that you don’t appreciate it. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable with her actions. It’s sort of patronizing and condescending.

She may feel this is a complement to you. It may be entirely innocent. Guess what? It doesn’t matter how she feels about it it you find it annoying, distracting or disrespectful.

You don’t have to conform to her needs. She is the employee. She would expect you to be respectful of her and she needs to be respectful of you.

Tell her directly or if you are uncomfortable telling her then perhaps speak to the agency to address it. If not, what about a letter addressing your concerns? Do you have a problem speaking to her?

I understand that your mom has bonded with her but she doesn’t have to refer to her as mom or to you as her sister. That is weird. You don’t have a sibling bond with her. She is overstepping.

Just curious, other than this ‘mom’ thing, how is she with other caregiver duties?
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I would contact the agency right now. Fire her!

this is creepy. And, she might very well be setting you Mom up for a scam.....sure sounds like it. Calling you sister...and making that connection to you with your Mom. Oh heck no...fire her.

get rid of her now.
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Big Apple, I was wondering if the caregiver was using the term "Mom" as the only way that your Mom would pay attention. Just a thought.

My Dad had around the clock caregivers. The two he had for over a year, one could call him Mr. Smith, and the other would call him Mr. Bob [using his first name] and Dad really liked that one. And sometimes depending from where a caregiver was originally from, it may be common in that area to use different terms for the patients. Such as honey, sweetie, dear, or other endearing terms.
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BigApple Feb 2020
Thank you for your reply and to all who have replied.
I feel the CT is overstepping her professional boundaries because the CT constantly imposes the mother daughter relationship idea to my mother.
" Oh, I would do anything for MOM, and I call her Mom because that is how I think of her " would be something I would hear constantly from the CT.
Or the CT says things to my Mom like " I am your 4th daughter ".
The real problem now is my mother is very bonded to the CT and replacing the CT will be hard for my mother. And, yes, from the very beginning my gut said this is inappropriate behavior from the CT, but I backed off because I didn't want to upset my mother. Bad situation. Thanks to all for your comments.
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Inappropriate. Creepy. Suspicious...
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Jada824 Feb 2020
Geaton777,
I agree with you! My brother has POA for my 97 year old mother & I haven’t been allowed to see her in over 2 years because he is being spiteful & controlling.

He moved some random woman into her home since she is no longer safe living alone. This woman was evicted from the trailer park she was living in & has credit problems. She has full access to all my mother’s info & house.

There was no background check done on her & she is not licensed or certified. My mother has had dementia for quite a few years now & I think her calling my mother “ma” is very suspicious & creepy.
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I am with Grandma all the way. No, the caregiver should not be calling her Mom. I too find this creepy and I would have put a stop to it the first time I heard it. This is a professional relationship. I realize that CG can have a favorite client. I think its good that Mom has bonded. But the CG needs to me professional. She can call Mom Ms. Jane. They did this at Moms AL. Or Mrs. Doe. But never by first name only or Mom. Its too familiar.

Yes, make sure any financial info is out of Moms house. Any jewelry worth anything. Anything of value. I like the definition of "grooming". Be on your toes.
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cwillie Feb 2020
I don't see anything wrong with first names once people have been together for a while and are familiar with each other - you don't very often hear the clients and their families calling their caregivers Ms/Mrs/Miss (oops I left out Mr), in fact in our small community the women who came to us did not share their last names in order to protect their privacy.
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This is not appropriate and should be stopped.
Either you talk to the caregiver or contact the agency and they should have a talk with the caregiver.
I do hope the caregiver does not have access to any accounts, credit cards or any other private sensitive information. And I hope your mom does not have access to credit cards, cash, checkbook or any other financial information. I also hope there are no valuables in the house that mom could give to her "daughter"
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That is beyond presumptuous. And if your Mom is the least bit confused already, having someone other than you call her Mom could get extremely confusing for her. The CG may feel that your Mom will react better with this “family” atmosphere, but it is too much. There was one lady at Moms NH who was very far along in her dementia, who the nurse called Mom, but it was with the real daughters blessing, as it was the only way they could get any cooperation from her. But yours is not the same and I would stop it. You could tell the CG that your Mom was confused about who all her children are, and so you’d appreciate it if she’s call her Miss XYZ, or some term of endearment. If she gives you any guff over it, you know she’s not looking out for your Moms best interest.
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This is an attitude born out of dysfunctional families and the rejection experienced by many, wherein it is decided to choose one's own family. It needs correction if taken too far.

The line is drawn when sentiments are they are "Like a family", or
"better than one's own family". That can be sentimental but is usually understood by all it is just a sentiment. Not a fact. Or, people will say: "I am adopting you as my family".

When the real family is offended or concerned, or the sentiment is taken too far, put a stop to it. The caregiver could be delusional or just trying to find a place to belong. Lacks appropriate boundaries.

What you do is talk to the agency, demanding the caregiver be more professional. When she states this in front of you, correct her in a strong way. "She is not your Mom, you are not my sister".
You could make light of it, to say: "If that were true, we would not be paying you".
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igloo572 Feb 2020
“If that were true....”
Just awesome; this should be a bumper sticker
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I find this sort of creepy too. Our CG for my dad loved my parents, always said they were like her own grandparents,, but she NEVER called them "Grandpa or ma".
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There were some women at my mom's nursing home who did this to several of the residents, and it always annoyed the heck out of me. If you have told her point blank to stop and she won't then I'm not sure what you can do besides look for a replacement, IMO anyone who thinks her brief acquaintance with your mother is equal to or even supersedes your own relationship with her is beyond creepy.
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Have you spoken to the caregiver?  First do that.  If you have done that, complain to the agency immediately.  I suspect the caregiver is trying to groom your mom to make significant gifts to her.
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