The last 3 months have been difficult. Admitted Mom to AL, she hated it. Arranged live-in care, did not get along with the live-in. Now looking at hourly home care for only 2 days a week, 4 hours a day minimum. Mom is in complete denial that she needs help.
She cannot see this as a benefit from her family's perspective, that is, comfort in knowing that she has limited help with preparing meals, light housework, etc.
Her abilities, in truth, don't require AL or a live-in. We gave in because we thought she would accept home care as an alternative. Seems the only thing left is tough love and to tell her we will have home care 2 days per week.
Can you get a "needs assessment", either ordered by her doctor or the local Area Agency on Aging?
Is it safe to take a wait & see approach?
What will the consequences be?
"Her abilities in truth don't require AL or a live-in.". Ok. So will she rise to the occassion or start to rot? Eg decide she really can make a meal? Or live on crackers? Clean up? Or leave the rubbish where it lays? Will she do a 'bird bath' wash at the sink? Or stay unwashed?
Are the family helpers combined in a 'tough love' front?
Or will they crumble & be shopping, cooking, cleaning?
Sorry I have asked A Lot of questions haven't I!
If you are afraid she will fall I hate to break it to you but a fall can happen in AL, MC, At home with or without a caregiver. She could fall while you are there with her.
If she seems to do alright on her own and you just want someone to check in on her you can use cameras and monitor her that way. You could have a person come in once a week to clean. You could have someone deliver groceries weekly if she needs that.
For people that will not accept help the family often has to play the waiting game. You wait until something happens that will force your loved one into rehab and that will force either home care or a move to Assisted Living.
She has the right to her own autonomy if she is indeed competent and capable. If she requires assistance but only wants it from the family, then that’s when the family chooses to help or declines.
Let the decision to get paid help be hers. That’s what she gets to control, and the family gets to control what they’re willing to do. Everyone just needs to stay in their own lane.
I totally agree.
“Everyone just needs to stay in their own lane.”
I like the expression!
I just want to add:
I do agree with the idea.
But:
the reality for many of my female friends caring for their parents (they don’t live together), is that the consequences of the emergencies land on the them (the daughters).
The daughters are called. Ambulance. Stress. Helping.
Therefore:
I totally understand my female friends who push for hired cared (when the parent refuses).
Indeed, in some ways:
I feel more empathy for them, than for their parents (who sometimes don’t care what they’re putting their children through; stress; time eaten).
Now you are saying she 'doesn't require AL or a live in.' So, if her doctor says she can't live alone, and you say she doesn't belong in AL or need a live in caregiver, who's wrong & who's right here?
Your loved one doesn't need to be half dead to 'require' Assisted Living. She just needs to NOT be able to live alone, and AL means she's 'not living alone' but has help at her disposal if/when needed, meals available, entertainment, etc.
You have a stubborn LO on your hands and you're jumping thru the fiery hoops to accommodate her. Make up your mind what type of help/assistance she actually NEEDS, and then go about getting it for her.
If it were me, my answer would be Assisted Living. She doesn't 'have to' even pull the cord for help, as long as it's THERE for her 24/7. That is the goal of AL, and socialization, meals served, entertainment, etc. Oh, and peace of mind for the loved ones saddled with trying to figure out how to provide care for an elder who 'can't live alone' but feels she needs NO HELP at all.
"Home care 2 days a week" does not sound to me like it covers the doctor saying she 'can't live alone.' Considering she'll be alone 95% of the time, right?
If she's not careful, and falls, goes to the hospital/rehab for care, THEY won't allow her to move back home w/o full time care or to move into Assisted Living. That's when the decision-making is removed from her and goes into someone else's hands entirely.