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I have been with my partner for 26 years in a house we recently sold to buy a newer house for the 3 of us to move into. The problem is that mom really does NOT want to move. My partner does not want to upset her mom by forcing or talking to her about us having to move. I'm living with my sister at this time but its been 6 months and I need to leave. I've stayed here longing than the 4 months I told my sister I'd be living with her. I'm in limbo. What do I do?? Any suggestions would help me decide.
Thank you.

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If you've been with your partner for 26 years, I am going to assume that you are at least middle-aged.

Her mom has been living independently and has been told that she can no longer do that, right? You two are moving. You want mom to come with you.

Why can't you two move now and get settled? Is partner currently staying with her mom and unwilling to "rock the boat"? Do you own the new house jointly? Why don't you move in?

The thing is, if mom is compis mentis, she can make any decision she wants. Her doctor told HER that she shouldn't live alone any longer. If she wants to risk that, it's HER CHOICE.

"Mom, we have sold the house and we're moving. You are welcome to move with us. Your doctor says you shouldn't live alone any more. What is your plan for getting the help you need when we aren't close by any longer?"
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Agree with BarbBrooklyn that if she hasn't had a cognitive test showing decline or memory loss, then she gets to make her own decisions... which is a hard truth and reality.

Selling her home and moving at her age can feel utterly sad and overwhelming. Sometimes resistance and stubbornness are no longer a personality trait but an early symptom of dementia. If your partner is the PoA for the Mom, then the first step might be to get her in for a cognitive/memory exam. At least everyone will know where things stand and will be important to any future decision-making.

Also, because you said "partner" and not spouse, please make sure that you are aware of how your current and future state of residence views long-term, unmarried relationships. I have read on this forum about disasters regarding unmarried committed couples where one partner passes away and then the surviving person is left without a financial safety net (as in rights to the other's SS benefits, to name just one). Also, more states are choosing to end their recognition of common law marriages (because it has to be proven in court, takes resources, is time-consuming), so currrently only 8 states recognize them.

Here's an interesting article:
https://www.npr.org/2016/09/04/487825901/no-you-re-not-in-a-common-law-marriage-after-7-years-of-dating
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Yes, if Mom is competent, she can make her own decisions.

Me, I look at this as its no longer what she wants, its what she needs. Her doctor has said, in so many words, that Mom needs 24/7 care. So its "Mom, the doctor says you cannot live alone anymore. If you wait till something happens that debilitates u, you may end up in an Assisted Living or Long term care because we can't care for you. Living with us, someone will be there to help prevent anything from happening."

Are you waiting for Mom to sell her house to contribute to a house for the 3 of you. This should not be done. If there is the slightest chance that Mom could be on Medicaid in the next five years, she should not contribute to the purchase of the home. Medicaid looks at this as gifting on her part.
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Mom is controlling all of you, your partner, you, your sister. Who is most important to your partner, you or her mom? Does your partner want to live with her mom more than she does you? Why did you move out? This is a bit dysfunctional, wouldn’t you say? Good luck with your decision, there’s a lot to ponder.
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what2doparents8 Oct 2022
Hello,

Thank you for your reply. I know my partners mom is "controlling". My partner and I are middle age. We sold our house we lived in for over 20 years to buy a larger home for the three of us to live in because Moms house is too small for three and our house was also. My partners mom comes first in her life. (She is of cuban decent) I'm second, Iv'e known this. Although my partner does not agree! I do not work at this time so yes, I would have to care for mom while my partner is at work. I feel I will hurt my partner so very much if I break up with her. I don't want to do that but I feel I trapped because of this mess.
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Hello,
I see I did not explain enough about my situation because I'm reading a lot of questions about my questions. THIS is the situation. My partner Paula, is of cuban descent. Her mother is 80 and living in the house her and her husband bought 35 years ago. ...(he died 5 years ago). My partner has moved in with her mom while she was going to look for a house to buy. Moms house is way too small for the three of us and has had no renovations in may years. I asked my sister to live with her and her husband for 3-4 months, till we but a new house.
I understand mom does not want to move but her health is declining and even though I don't want to live with her mom, (nobody WANTS to live with their parents or their partners) I agreed to do it, ...for my partner. Now Paula wants to want till mortgage rates go down and OR the home prices. I tell her that won't happen for a good year and a half. I can't stay at my sisters house for all that time. It's not fair to me, my sister or her husband. A few friends who know all this tell me that I'm being put last in the relationship. Her mom is first and always will be. I know this is true, Paula being a cuban daughter. Paula told me she can't be rushed into buying a house. My family tells me to end the relationship. It's not a going to work out. Mom will not be a happy person if she does move anywhere. Paula has changed, been unhappy, on edge, short tempered etc. for years. Do I wait it out or do I end it and make my own life by myself?

Thank you.
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Geaton777 Oct 2022
what2doparents8, thank you for the additional info. I think you already know the answer to your question. You should move on because there's too many variables in this situation and you could be stuck for a very long time. You don't necessarily have to "break up" but you at least need to move out from your sister's house. If you believe your partner is prioritizing her Mother over you, you are probably correct, at least for now. Honestly, when someone is at the beginning of figuring out what to do and how to help their declining parent, it is very stressful, confusing and can require a lot of time because they are often declining by the day. Your partner is trying to navigate her daughter/mother relationship that is now tinted with dementia. Her "prior" Mother is disappearing. One doesn't figure out the new relationship dynamics overnight. At least, this is how it has gone for me. Also, the housing market is a buyer's market in some regards but the cost of borrowing is going up and who know how long it will be that way? Your partner certainly doesn't really know. Move out. You can still have a relationship with your partner if you wish. "Paula has changed, been unhappy, on edge, short tempered etc. for years." I think you know the answer to what you should do. I wish you all the best.
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Take the step you need, for yourself. You have the answer… you hav3 to move … find yourself an apartment, if you cannot move in with your partner. In the mean time take a hard look at your relationship.
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If Paula's mother is 80 years old, then who is Betty? From your profile: "I am caring for BETTY, who is 98 years old, living at home with age-related decline, arthritis, depression, osteoporosis, and vision problems."

" Paula has changed, been unhappy, on edge, short tempered etc. for years."

So then it's not related to her current issues with her mother?

"...even though I don't want to live with her mom, (nobody WANTS to live with their parents or their partners) I agreed to do it, ...for my partner."

Do you understand with "live with" will mean for you? It will most certainly mean assisting with caregiving. You are okay with that?
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