For years I used to beg them to help me but they both answered with a resounding NO. So I quit my full time job, took a part time job. Started taking social security early -at a financial penalty- to make up the difference. I literally do everything for my mother who lives alone. Spend 3-7 hrs a day with her. And hours making her appointments, paying her bills, doing her taxes. Have zero social life and can't get away to visit my beloved daughter in NC. Yet when one of the siblings visits for literally an 16 hr overnight trip 2x a year, I get a long email criticizing me. I dread the added anxiety this causes. So now I just ignore them but they're out there saying nasty things about me instead of saying thanks for taking such good care of mom. I feel like they should be sending me flowers and asking me how they can help. BUT THEY JUST MAKE ME FEEL BAD.
People that require daily, hourly propping up are no longer independent and need a different living arrangement.
I recommend telling your siblings to step up or shut up and go pound sand.
Caregiving only works when it works for all involved and since they aren't involved they don't get a vote. I would make that amply clear to these donkeys.
It sounds like it is time for you to take a good, hard, realistic look at where this situation stands and what is the next step for moms care and for you.
Is it possible to hire help to stay with Mom while you go visit your daughter ?
Or to put Mom in respite care so you can get away ?
Does your mom have funds , or a house to sell, to pay for assisted living , so you can get more of your own life back ? Some do thrive in assisted living with activities, socializing with people , outings , etc .
I don’t know why you have sacrificed so much, but what you have done is your business. You are right to ignore the siblings whose behavior does not suit your views. And if they are wise, they will realize that you are doing a thankless task that lets them off the hook, and simply shut up.
Idle thought, though: is there a big inheritance involved? That usually makes otherwise indifferent siblings take a little more interest in things…
Good Lord, I live by myself, have arthritis and fibromyalgia and do EVERYTHING for myself. If I need help with something around the house that I can't do, I pick up my phone and call in someone that can. It's not difficult. Quit treating your mom like a helpless baby.
And why in the world would you quit your job and take early social security? Something just doesn't make sense here.
And the fact that you're ignoring your daughter by not going to spend time with her, under the guise of "caregiving" for your mom, you and her will both live to regret. Your priority should be to yourself and children before any parent. It's heartbreaking that you don't realize that.
You say you have no social life. Might I suggest that it's because you choose not to have one?
You are the one who chose to give up your full-time job, and take early retirement, and also who chooses not to have a life, so quit blaming your siblings for your unhappiness.
Instead get out there and start enjoying your life, and your daughter.
If and when the time comes, mom can move into an assisted living facility where she will be around folks her own age and be able to have fun with them and also receive any care she may need, and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
I do hope you're getting help for your depression.
Call the nearest hotel that has a pool and hot tub.
Book a room for the duration of their stay.
Pull your car out of the garage.
As SOON as they arrive inform them that you are leaving.
Get in your car and leave for your respite stay.
Do not answer your phone, let calls go to voice mail if it is a TRUE emergency you can respond.
By the way Nkellysc...
funkygrandma has a very valid point....If all mom has is arthritis I also would have responded as others did. But your response indicates there are other factors going on.
This is one of the reasons that it can be important to either give details in your question or add details to your profile. It dies make answering easier and it will garner much more accurate responses.
We ask for more details because if she "only" has arthritis, she doesn't need full time hands on caregiving. The logical question is "why"?
If you push back against that question, we need to assume that there is more going on. Please tell us more about her infirmities; you will get better answers.
Sometimes, it takes awhile to process the information. I hope that the OP will hear these words instead of remaining in misery.
Thank you so much for not sugarcoating this situation.
Your relatives. Turn it back on them, "If you think you can do a better job, then u do it. Until then I am doing the best I can and holdng down a job"
You sound miserable though . That is why people were giving you suggestions and trying to help . People were trying to help you find ways to get your own life back .
I have seen before on other threads similar to yours where someone is miserable and suggestions are made and the original poster comes back either with more or different information , or back pedals on exactly how bad their situation is , saying they were having a particularly bad day , and/or says thank you for the suggestions but they don’t want to make any changes to their situation .
Or less frequently , like you , they get offended by suggestions to bring more help into the home or respite care or placement so the caregiver can get back to a more normal life . People on this Forum are in general trying help people. When someone comes with a situation described as yours , we try to help that person to realize there are other ways. They don’t have to give up their life and be isolated , have no social life , give up a job . We try to show people that they are not obligated to be a martyr because they love their parent . We can only go by the information given to us, we respond if we think someone is in distress and they think there is no exit plan . The caregivers life matters too .
I’m sorry that you feel you have to give up your life because you “ love your mother”. It doesn’t have to be this way . But that is your choice to make .
(((Hug)))
This isn’t always the case, but sometimes:
People with a guilty conscience criticize others.
Sometimes, people with a guilty conscience are very aggressive, to try to cover up their guilty conscience.
Caregiving for a parent is often on one adult child’s shoulders
So, I cut them off. No calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing. If they have something to say to me, it will fall on them to contact me first. When Mom passes, they'll get a text. I haven't and will never prevent them from seeing Mom, but they don't need me to do that. And, when Mom passes, that will be the last time they see me. I love my family, but a lifetime of this is enough. I wish them well.
I have friends with siblings like that, treating the youngest one terribly (who is also the one who does everything for the parents, because the older ones won’t lift a finger).
Your sisters are exploiting you.
If you believe in God, let God take care of that one day.
Many of us have walked in your shoes. It’s quite frustrating.
You may need some time to process the feedback from your post. I understand. I was completely overwhelmed during my caregiver days.
My caregiver days have ended. My parents are deceased. Some of us have remained on the forum to help others because we were helped greatly by the posters here.
Please continue to reach out to people when you need help or just want to vent.
Best wishes to you.
guilt but they forget everything when they return home. A few weeks ago my sibling was in town and was very upset with me over a few decisions regarding mother's care so I resent the texts and emails that were never answered and they shut up. Absolutely no response. They are much nicer now. Tell your siblings that you are leaving town on such and such a date to visit your daughter and that unless someone else shows up mother will be left alone.