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My wife and I have left our home in FL to help care for my aunt who has late stage dementia. My mother is unable to do so.
However my mother has a tendency to be very impatient with her (she has always been this way with others).
She is rough when cleaning and changing my aunt. She speaks loudly and abusively to her.
We have tried delicately to remove my mother from daily activities with my aunt.
My wife arranges the medication and washing/dressing each day.
I do the majority of her feeding each day. Sometimes my mother has to feed her when I am away.
I also care for lifting and transporting her to and from her bed to the living room several times each day.
Either my wife or I are always home wife my mother out of fear that this aggressive/impatient behavior will occur.
I have 2 sisters who have also witnessed this behavior and have had a family chat to address this with my mother with little to no improvement.
My sisters have also spoken to her individually.
We all feel that this type of behavior is abusive.
My wife and I are at a loss as to how to give compassionate care to my aunt while shielding her from my mother's behavior.
We do not want to put my aunt in a care facility (she helped raise my sisters and me). However, she does need 24/7 care. We are willing to stay with them as long as it takes to provide this care.
But we are at a loss with dealing with my mother.
I apologize for venting to everyone.
We are new at caregiving.
We would welcome any insight.

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Your aunt is being abused. It is time for ALL family members to meet with Mom and lay down the law (UNLESS Mom has dementia, in which case this will do not good).
What does your Aunt say? Has this always been their relationship? Is your Aunt frightened or uncomfortable. When you say "rough" treatment I really worry. The constant bicker is sometimes normal for sisters, hubbies and wives, and so on. But rough treatment is OUT and cannot be allowed no matter WHICH sister needs to go into care.
I think honestly that the family meeting needs to make clear that NO abuse, verbal or physical, will be allowed. That you will leave with the Aunt or see the Aunt placed where she can receive decent care. You cannot allow this to go on. Enlist the help of a license Social Worker to mediate at the family meeting; sometimes this makes very clear what behavior will no longer be tolerated. Wishing you good luck and hoping you will update us.
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Is your mother competent? Does she understand what you say to her? If so, just lay the law down to her...the abuse stops or you will call APS to have her removed from the home. No more of this behavior will be tolerated.

if she is no longer competent, then it is time to move her into a MC facility.

but, either way...the abuse must stop.
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Who’s home are you living in? Your mothers or your aunts? If it’s your mothers home then you, your wife and your aunt should probably move out. Or move your aunt to a nice facility. Talking to your mother hasn’t worked. Honestly it’s probably time to place your aunt in A memory care facility where she can receive the best care.
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Gjcj09 Feb 2020
Home is jointly owned by mother and aunt. They have lived together for almost 80 years. Finances do not allow for paid services. Medicaid may be the only alternative.
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Honestly since your aunt helped care for you, why not consider what is best for her care now? She needs 24/7 care and your mother is abusing her, why not do what is best for her, place her in a facility. Take your mother out of the picture for your aunt's well being.
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It’s also abusive on your part to burden your 85 yo mother with this stressful caregiving job! Your mother needs to be enjoying her later years & certainly not doing this. Help mother to find a good ALF or Senior independent living...as it sounds like she can still do a lot for herself...& then when time comes...she can move into ALF....or if needed, memory care. You then can find SNF for Aunt ...since you probably won’t pay an outside caregiver to care for her. Good luck...hugs 🤗
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Gjcj09 Feb 2020
No one has burdened my mother with this task. She had refused help until recently. It was offered numerous times. Living in FL while mother and aunt live in NH creates logistical issues. Not everyone can simply pull up stakes and move. Not being retired means finding employment. Not easy to do when you are early 60's. Cannot afford ALF or outside help, not "won't pay for". When we were asked to come we did so knowing that it would not be easy financially. Medicaid may be the only alternative. Please be careful how you judge others.
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This is a little confusing

"85 yo mother lives in household" I understand

"Caregiving taking place in NH" For us "NH" stands for Nursing Home

"Personal home in FL" This I understand

I am assuming NH means New Home. Does that mean you bought another house and everyone moved in? Or are you in Moms home. If in Moms home, then maybe everyone should move out but Mom. She probably is overwhelmed and doesn't appreciate everyone there. Takes it out on the Aunt because she is the cause for all of u being there. Then ur sisters can care for Mom and you the Aunt.

If the Aunts house, then you need to find a place for Mom. And that is what she needs to be told. "Mom, its not working with all of us here. Since the house in Aunts, and you don't seem to want to change, I think its time to find u a place of your own"

There are Senior apts that charge on scale. So if Moms monthly income is 1000 they will require 1/3 of that.
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Gjcj09 Feb 2020
NH New Hampshire
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Gjcj09, I see your dilemma. But your auntie is vulnerable and needs to be protected. At 85 I think it is possible your mom is beyond the point of "learning" a different behavior, especially since you've acknowledged that she's alway been that way, with or without dementia (and my money is on her having some dementia at this point). No amount of "reading her the riot act" or "laying down the law" is going to make an impact. There may be no good solution to this problem unless you're willing and able to pay for an in-home helper for your aunt. Remove your mom from all her "duties" regarding your auntie. It's not fair and she cannot defend herself. If in-home help is not affordable, maybe your mom can go to adult daycare during the days? If that's not an option then one of the two probably should go into a care home. There are some really nice ones (my MIL is in an awesome one that's not overpriced and the staff are wonderful). I was raised by my mom and my 2 aunties, and am responsible for all of them, so I can somewhat relate to your quandary!
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Geaton is absolutely correct. You’re not going to teach you 85 year old mother any new behaviors. And you say auntie needs 24/7 care, well, there’s only one resolution, she needs to be in care unless she/ you have the funds to run your own mini nursing home. In any event momma needs to stay away from her.
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