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My mother is 86 years old and my 4 siblings and I have been through many unfortunate times. She was a very demanding mother all of our lives. This past year she moved from living near me (10 years) to live with my sister & her husband. She was there for two months and complained constantly about everything and everyone. That ended badly with a terrible argument and she moved to another state to live with one of my brothers / family. Two months passed before they argued and she moved into assisted living. She stayed there for approx. 6 months and then without notice, moved back closer to me. She has said many ugly things about all of us and has used any and all kind things she has ever done for us as leverage to guilt us. We are “the most uncaring people.” I have never had an argument, spoke with disrespect or been abusive to my mother at all. That is not who I am. She does not believe that any of what has occurred over this past year has been her fault. We are supposed to “honor and obey” her because she gave birth to us. My life is not easy as I have a daughter who is ill and a sister nearby who is an alcoholic. I guess I would like to hear how anyone else deals with this type of mother/parent?? She is old, no dementia, no health issues....she does not take meds for anything!

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I'm so sorry for the situation that you are in! You didn't ask to be born! Remember that she's a narcissist and she'll say whatever she can to stir drama! Whatever you do, PLEASE don't let her move in! It helped me a lot to read up on convert narcissistic mothers! Please know that you are not alone and you are doing great!
💜❤️💙🧡
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Mine is trying to get me to move in with her to take care of her the rest of her days. She is so negative about everyone and everything, I would rather take a bullet. She has promised me compensation when I am not able to work because she has a health scare but all she has done is murder me behind my back. I don’t matter. I have 5 siblings who are also her children who believe her lies and believe I, my life doesn’t matter. They’re just waiting for her to die to pounce on what she leaves behind. My mother has asked me to make out a will leaving everything I have to her. No help from anyone, just slander and abuse. I used to be a successful professional, well educated etc., I am so burned out by all the manipulation I can hardly lift my head.
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2019
O please do not move in with her or her in with you!! If you have 5 siblings, then if it were me, i would choose myself over her and run, dont walk, away as fast as my legs would take me!! You already know how she treats you, so why subject yourself to it?? Put yourself and your health and sanity first, walk away and let the chips fall where they may. I cant believe you would even talk to her again if she asked you to make a will and give everything to her?? How cold and mean and totally uncaring is that for a mother to say to her child?? She is telling you what she is, listen....and make a new life for yourself, away from this uncaring mean woman!!! Have you ever been in therapy?
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There is no "reasoning" with some folks... it's just who they are.   It boils down to a choice of whether you want to subject yourself to being around them or not.  I'm not making light of your situation as I know the fact that she is your mother complicates everything and adds a dash of guilt into the decision.  Sometimes you have to walk away to save your sanity.  I had to do that with a life long alcoholic father.

Good Luck.
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When someone, don't care who or why, starts being abusive, mean and creating unhappiness and problems for others, that is the time, no matter how, to start making a break. You simply do NOT ever allow this behavior and if every attempt to make it stop fails, then YOU MUST REMOVE THAT PERSON FROM YOUR PRESENCE OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED. You must set very firm boundaries and warn her it will be stopped or else - do whatever it takes - never ever allow this to continue. Good luck.
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Pipsqueak Nov 2019
Riley 2166 Your words of advice resonated to my very soul. My mother (if you could call her that) has been extremely nasty to me for a long time. Put downs, critcising even the way I dress ( I have always taken pride in my appearance), backstabbing all my 4 other siblings to the point of utter disgust on my behalf, making comments to our only son on the occasions that he rings her, (which he will not repeat to me or my amazing hubby), telling me to shut up when she wants to talk over the top of me, face pulling, banging her fists on the chair when she is called out for doing all the above but last Saturday (after I stayed away for 10 days hoping that she may think about her behaviour) hubby and I went around with a meal and some fresh sandwiches as she has been provided with meals by both myself and my "Golden Haired Middle Sister". We got into her hallway and my sister in law whom my mother had backstabbed so badly along with my brother attacked me the minute we walked in the doorwayand politely said "Hi %$%^^" (no names and they live 6 hours away). Telling me that quote. "I dont think I want to even speak to you after the way you abused your mother last Tuesday (more lies on Mums behalf) and we had to drive from ^&&#@@ to support her as she was such a mess"SO God only knows what sort of lies and crap she had told them as they hardly bother with her and my brother has abused her so badly on the couple of occasions that they have come to visit that I had to pick up the peices. So hubby being the supportive and rational person he is said to her "OK Lets all go in and sit down and talk about this as you are obviously only hearing one side of the story".
When I politely asked my mother "Whats all this about me abusing you and causing trouble" She sat there straight faced and without blinking said.
"I dont know what you are talking about" So we sat down and tried to talk to her rationally and stood our ground on the fact that she had been so nasty for so long for no reason.
An absolute waste of time
Hubby said to her "So why did you hang up on H on more than one occcasion." Why was your phone dialling out and then all of a sudden it was busy" Why did you tell her to shut up in front of the Dr on more than one occasion, Why this why that? and the list goes on.
With ever fact she sat there bare faced and denied everything and claimed that "We must be proud of ourselves coming around and attacking a 90 year old woman"
Was never the case at all.
She then screamed at me when I was talking to my sister in law about the lies my second sister had told mum about her care package and told me "Shutup H". Which she had previously denied.
The lies that spewed from her mouth and the sheer look of hatred in her eyes literally burnt me to the soul and I think that what cut me more than the lies themselves.
I have made the decision to cut all ties and have been an emotioanal mess for a long time but now I am just in shock but my biggest concern is what she is going to tell our son (he adores her as she puts the charm on when he and his partner visit) and my older brother whom I am very close with but he is 2,000 miles away.
We are in touch everyday and he wants nothing of mums when she leaves this earth and neither do I.
Hubby suggested I take my name of her carers list and leave all the responsibility to my sister and her hubby who have had a hidden agenda for a long long time. They tried to have her put away years ago as "They wanted their life back" but my mother thinks they can do no wrong.
Short of myself and my brother and youngest sister the other 3 siblings are very money orientated so they will side with Mum no matter what so they are not left out of the will.
That is something that we do not care about whatsoever but again our concern is our son.
It will break him and I havent told him about all this yet as it is his only grandparent.
I dont know how to go about cutting ties without hurting our son.
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lealonnie1 we must have the same mother!!!! My mother acts the exact same way. The only difference is my mother is 95 and doesn’t care what she looks like!! Wears the same clothes over and over, wears a scarf on her head so she doesn’t have to wash it!! But she worries about the weather all the time!! She doesn’t drive anymore. Why would she be worried about the weather???
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Riverdale Nov 2019
I always tell myself if for some reason I couldn't get the weather channel,no worry just call my mother. She knows at least 5 days out what may happen and often in the previous state she lived in I guess so she can tell relatives there the weather in case they can't get the weather channel. The weather is of upmost importance to many seniors,even if they live in a place where there is little change to it. She used to include a plea to not have me drive for any suggested period of time that the weather may not be perfect!
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Look up "grey rock technique." Basically, it's about not fueling the narcissist.
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I've been dealing with my 92 year old narcissist mother now for several years. The yelling and basically (in her passive aggressive way) telling me everything is my fault has been going on heavily for the past 5 years or so. Last visit to her home was awful; I live about 4 hours away, which I should have moved even farther away in retrospect. She was mobile up to about 5 years ago, now she considers herself handicapped because she uses a walker (I think it's a mental issue not physical - she's scared she'll fall). She also has what appears to be carpal tunnel, which she insisted it's not, won't go to a doctor, so now she's lost dexterity in some fingers. Even a close friend told her that's what it was as she had it years ago. Nope, will not listen.
She was in a very good mood for about a week, to the point where I thought she'd been abducted by aliens. And today, back to her old games. Sunday is her trigger day to behave outrageously. Sunday is a day for family, and her family has abandoned her! (My fault). My brother lives nearby and really limits his time with her, but she says he does so much! He'll fetch her mail and drive her to the grocery and church. That's it. When I go, I have to clean her entire home, plus do outdoor gardening. I asked last time why doesn't he lift a finger towards that? Oh, that's a girl's job! A friend who listened to my whole horrible weekend story said she's really toxic and living still in the 1950's. Yep.
So I called her today, after talking to her a few times yesterday. She was ok then. Not answering phone now, so she's pouting. I called 7 times, and I'm done. I blocked her number on my phone, and going about my business.
I am supposed to go there for the entire week of Thanksgiving, but that's looking doubtful. She actually wants me to go there before Thanksgiving as she needs stuff done. Honestly, get yourself a part time person to help out, like your friends have done. But she won't do that - I owe her.
I think as the narcissist gets older, they do not hide their inner thoughts as much. She's made statements such as when my dad passed (I was 13) that I didn't pay enough attention to her feelings. Friends have said weren't you dealing with your own grief as a child? But 13 is not a child to her. Nope, I was an adult. I needed to get at least a part time job and see to my clothing and food - not her. That pretty much confirmed to me that I was always a burden to her.
Her mother's golden child was her son; same with my mom. I think my mom only wanted son, a son who was better than her own brother so she could outdo her mother in some warped way. She's said she liked dressing me up when I was little, sure, like a doll. When I started being an actual person who didn't do as she said or liked other things, all bets were off. Then she said well I always brag about you to my friends. Sure you do. You consider it to be your achievement, nothing I did. It's a reflection on how great you are. She saves her tirades for me in private, never in public. She's the sunny, cheerful person in public, most of the time. She's let her mask slide a few times, and her friends were scared of and for her. I wanted to say, this is the real her guys.
I like the idea of a code word. Last visit, she wanted to have a conversation, which I should have known was just her yelling at me, revisiting every wrong ever done to her (real or imagined). I talked and then she went off even more. I needed a code word - maybe Sunday - to tell myself - shut up, bite your tongue, let her rant. I finally did and it was like she somehow found an equilibrium again by letting out all of her venom at me; she now says I tore into her. I did lay out some truths, and no unlike she says, I know I'm far from perfect. I think protecting yourself is #1, however you can reach that - insulate yourself and realize you're not the problem.
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my2cents Oct 2019
Sissisu - have you ever thought about recording one of the rants and then, very calmly, say I would like you to listen to the things you say to me, the tone of voice you use towards me - and add I am here to visit with you, not argue, not be mean to each other. You hurt me when you talk this way to me. Might work, might not.
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"Forgive her , Daughter, For she does not Know what she says."
Ignore Her.
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lealonnie1 Oct 2019
Exactly WHY does she not know what she is saying? The OP specifically says her mother does NOT suffer from dementia, health issues, nor does she take medicine.
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Save yourself.
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I have the same mother. Complains constantly, as did her mother and aunts. Runs in their family. I am the scapegoat of my family, the raging alcoholic substance abuser is her golden child.
My father has finally, after 30 years divorced, admitted to me that she is just like her mother whom he always knew was extremely controlling and negative, as was the MIL's sister. They wouldn't ask -- they'd demand and control.
I am full time caregiver. There is no money for anything else. My siblings have left, 10 years ago, as did the step kids. We live in the family home in a rural area. She bragged about having money when in truth she had little. I have scrambled to make ends meet as I cannot work outside the home because she cannot be left alone. She seriously dislikes anyone coming and seeing her less than perfect self and home then claims to feel so very guilty when I do everything.
If she doesn't get her way, whatever it may be (no one seems to know), she feigns helplessness, weakness, sickness, whatever even to going to bed in her victim act but not overtly, rather covertly.
We are in the 2nd round of power outages and she's having a fit, seething in pity behind her mask of perfection and denial. From what I've observed these past 10 years being here (her husband passed 9 years ago) there is a small percentage of her 'cantankerousness' which is anxieties (and recently diagnosed bipolar) but the rest is just plain cantankerous, aka bitter proud self pity. Her family system is best explained as 'cluster B codependency', including many traits of narcissism, histrionic, and borderline, from an extremely religious perfectionist ('thou shalt not sin') grandfather and an alcoholic disordered (dual diagnosis) grandmother.
She used email for years crabbing about everything now has no outlet as she cannot use computer. She crabbed decades ago, I saw the letters she would type to her mother and cousins. Their whole family is disordered.
I try to keep to myself as much as I can as I am a positive person. The house is set up with an apartment upstairs (my area) and the main floor downstairs, her area. I can hear her moving about and when she's mad, bellowing (no other word for it)...the pity tripping guilt tripping controlling words, same ones, over and over. I have seen her this way for many years, before I moved in.
I have worked with her doctors for 6 years to get her meds right (she would not admit to anxieties yet that was the problem; her doctor would not listen to me, as I knew the problem/have know the problem for decades, and kept prescribing hypertension pills which caused serious side effects). When local healthcare proved itself horrific, I moved her care to the next town (healthcare there is excellent). Her health is fine, a few glitches but nothing extraordinary. But her anxieties and hypochondria (which she uses as a weapon and always has, learned it from her aunts and mother), drives everyone who cares for her nuts (when she was in hospital the nurses called me to get info as they didn't get it, until I said 'hypochondria' and light bulbs went on rapidly).
I don't know how to deal with it except by being direct, and using common sense and logic. Of course it doesn't fly with her, but it what I have. I am having to balance things, and be myself, so to care for myself, otherwise I will become the battered woman I was for years until I broke free and moved far away. I came back because of the family without realizing just how bad it had become.
If there is a miracle, I'd love to know about it.
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Just read a review of a new book called Motherland...sounds similar...maybe it would be of comfort/help?
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Riverdale Oct 2019
I just read that too. I found it a good read in terms of being able to focus on it well.
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Wow - she's been this mean all her life and now thinks she deserves respect?!?! That's not how it works. Just because she conceived a child, in no way did she act in a motherly fashion. Just as an aside - perhaps she SHOULD take medication.
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"Just b/c your mother got pregnant one night does not mean you 'owe' her honor or obedience. Respect is earned, as well, and not something automatically given to people who choose to treat us badly."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Men!

For those who tell us that we *must* honor and cherish this woman who gave birth to us (or a dad who provided for us) most likely haven't experienced anything like this. Perhaps you felt they were a little harsh with you now and then, and got over it, but cases like this are NOT the same. When it is all the time and goes back even into childhood, these people are toxic and we should not let them take us down in the process. Why should anyone honor or respect another person, no matter who it is, if they treat you like dirt? Turn the other cheek, or forgive perhaps, but we should not lay down and let ANYONE walk all over us!

To OP - Keep your distance as best you can. Make yourself unavailable. If/when she starts treating you bad/smack-talking you or anyone else, hang up the phone or walk away if you are there. I probably wouldn't even allow her IN my house, never mind let her live there, but by not allowing her in, you can shut her out. If you meet with her, make it at her home or somewhere else, then you have the option to leave. If she has some kind of medical emergency, certainly you can be there to help out or take care of something for her, but again, if she still behaves like that, walk away.
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ONE time in the past 8 years my husband said, "Gee I finally see your mother acting like a mother." It was when I had hip replacement surgery and she felt badly that I was feeling some discomfort on Easter Sunday sitting in a chair in my living room. Her sorrow lasted for about 20 seconds until she realized she had some other issues that were more important than mine. Like a runny nose or a hangnail.

When my mother gets off on a tirade, I tell her "I'm hanging up now mom and I will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood." When I go visit her in Memory Care and she starts going berserk with whatever is bothering her at the moment, 90% of the time I'll tell her I'm leaving and will be back when she's in a better mood. The other 10% of the time I sit there and try to talk her off the ledge, which never works. We wind up arguing, I wind up yelling, leaving, feeling badly, and the whole cycle amps up again where I'm the Bad Guy and she's the Innocent Victim. See the pattern? No matter that SHE is the one who instigated the whole mess, the goal is to be the Eternal Victim and when I get arguing with her, she's winning. And I'm losing.

So now my husband has developed a Code Word to use when things start going downhill. He speaks the Code Word & I immediately shut up. I've almost bitten my tongue OFF in the process but hey, it stops the feud mid stream.

Sigh. It truly is a giant MESS what goes on with these women, isn't it? Nothing is ever their fault, either, God forbid. There has to be SOME poor slob to blame things on so for now, I guess, you're it.

Take care of you, please. Just b/c your mother got pregnant one night does not mean you 'owe' her honor or obedience. Respect is earned, as well, and not something automatically given to people who choose to treat us badly.

Best of luck.
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wildflower73 Oct 2019
You nailed my mother. Fabulous. I feel that I can breathe again. Thank you!! I'll come up with a code word for myself.
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I am truly sorry. I can so relate.
I will pray for you.
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If this is her personality and not a medical issue, perhaps sit down and talk with her. Explain your situation regarding your daughter and the sister in regards to her 'mean mode' that is creating too much pressure on you. If she blows up in defense, stay calm and tell her you won't argue. If it gets out of hand, tell her you want her to calm down and you will return later.
Do not engage when she replies with something to deflect - a good response is 'that may be, however '...and return to your original conversation. Don't raise your voice, stay calm. It takes two people to argue and if you do not participate with the rehashing of old info/barbs from her, you may make some headway
Keep in mind that hers is a learned and go-to behavior that has worked for her for many years. You may never resolve it entirely, but you may be able to modify it somewhat.
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Would you put up with that behavior if it was coming from a friend? Of course not. You wouldn’t be friends anymore. You can love a relative, but nowhere is it written that you have to like them.

I have a very difficult son. I love him, but I sure don’t like him very much. When he exhibits behavior that I won’t tolerate, I block him from my life. It’s a shame, but it’s what has to be done, for my sanity.

Same thing with your Mother. Stop visiting. Let her calls go to voice mail. I know it’s a hard habit to break, so try it for just 3 days. No contact whatsoever. Then see how she is. She’ll probably be the same, so this time, try it for 5 days, or maybe a full week. You’ll see that manages to make it somehow, without you to kick around.

Stay strong. Remember she can only be mean and cruel to you because you are there to see or hear it.
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Does she have dementia or cognitive issues? My mother has become more like this over time, but I have to remember it is the disease talking, not her, and continue to love, honor, and respect her. Hard to do in my own strength, but when I pray and ask for God’s help to deal with it, I am able to get through it, even on the very tough days. She cannot help it, her brain is broken.
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You must get this book written by psychologist Paul Chafetz called: Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents. It’s on Amazon and a easy fast read. He counsels adult children of parents like yours. Even does online Skype counseling. He has great tips on handling parents with personality disorders. Also, look up How to "go gray rock"...which is a method for handling narcissistic people. Good luck. She’s a piece of work obviously!
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pdcameron Nov 2019
Thank You! The author is 10 minutes from my home - Thank YOU!
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Whenever she says anything that is rude...hang up the phone, walk away, just leave her to be by herself.

you could announce that you will not tolerate whatever behavior she is exhibiting...then cut her off if she continues.

eventually she will decide to either modify her behavior or be alone. Maybe decide to move back to that assisted living.

Set your boundary, announce it, and then enforce it.
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Maybe it's time for a family intervention with mom. Tell her either she cools her behavior or y'all don't help. I recommend videos on YouTube by Dr. Les Carter regarding dealing with narcissists.
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You are not going to be able to change her personality.  She is obviously a very negative, unhappy woman.  If you don't play into her "game" then she loses control over you.  I would leave her be and see what happens.  If no one calls her or seeks her out, she will have to reach out to you and when she does, act as if nothing is wrong.  If she starts saying hateful things, tell her you need to go.

Life if short!
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Let her alone and see how she does. Apparently she has never been happy and takes it out on her children. Don't ruin your life over her issues. If she is in sound mind she will figure out that she needs all of her children and might stop treating you badly. Sounds like this is just her personality.
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She is a toxic mother like my mother is. You don’t owe her a dime. You don’t owe her anything. You don’t need to help her or anything. Cut ties with her!! If not completely then at least cut down on the amount you see her or talk to her.
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Hi there!
I'm so sorry for your situation! Now here's some truth you mother might not appreciate..... You are in NO way responsible for being born! Her attitude is toxic and it's by choice--- attitude is a choice! You are not required to do anything for her, especially if she's toxic! I think you know she's not going to change, so distance yourself from her! If she asks why, tell her the truth--- she's a toxic person and you don't allow toxic people around you! Simple! When she tries to guilt you or shame you, tell her not to contact you anymore! If it was anyone else, that's what you'd do, right? She's given you a lifetime of grief.... Enough is enough! You deserve better! Just my thoughts about it!
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Mymotherskid I can fully relate to how much you are hurting. I have a 90 year old mother who is the same but I am in the position where she still lives independantly and I have looked after her when she had her illiostomy surgery 16 years ago with bladder cancer when 4 other siblings did not lift a finger.
I have sister and her husband here that have worked in aged care for over 40 years and they know how to manipulate our mother to their advantage and had tried to have Mum put away years ago.
They have lied to her again recently and I called them out for their deceipt but they are still the Golden Haired Children.
Like your Mum she guilt trips us and we cant even have a day out without being made to feel like we are neglecting her.
She is vindictive to all my other siblings except my sister her and her husband.
My hubby lost his mother when he was 3 and was brought up by his grandparents and it breaks his heart to see me being treated like this.
Hubby and I have always been the ones to do the physical work for her on her home whilst my brother in law does nothing but again she thinks they are just the bees knees as they patronise her, crawl after her and slather the attention on her which they know she thrives on.

So your Mum is like our mother. Old on basic medications but doesnt have dementia?
They seem to have the attitude that "I am the mother/father so I can behave like I want"
Well respect is earnt.
Have you tried staying away from her for a few days like I have been suggested too my hubby and my friends. ( I have no support from my siblings whatseover as they are all away living the dream and very rarely come home to see her)
I found by staying away and stopping taking meals around my mother just gets nastier and nastier.
It seems to be a no win situation and we feel these three have ruined our lives.
We are the ones being villified when we have done nothing but support her, care for her and been there in her darkest days.

I have never been abusive toward my mother either nor been disrespectful and I think that our Mothers are both typical Narcissists (no offence).
My hubby has mentioned the wrong doings of my sister and her hubby (he is not one to interfere) and she has told me Quote. "W*&^^( is a bloody F .... liar).
This has hurt us both very deeply as he has always looked upon my mother as his own mother but now he has lost all respect for her. He too is heartbroken.

It is an extremely difficult situation to deal with to say the least as the more you stay away the nastier they get.
You (like my hubby and I) have no right to be treated like this.
I know for a fact my sister and her hubby have always had a hidden agenda with our mother as they are very money orientated.
I am at the stage where I am ready to say to Mum "You can take me out as Power of Gaurdianship and everything else, let these other two evil money driven people take over but Mum you need to ask yourself why your son in laws brother took him to court to claim half of their fathers estate that he was entitled too."

If anyone has any advice please throw it at us.
I am so depressed and broken but I try to keep focused for the sake of my beautiful hubby and our only son of 22 and his gorgeous partner. At our wits end.
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Pipsqueak Oct 2019
Pipsqueak meant. "I know for a fact my sister and her hubby are very money orientated.
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Your mother sounds like my very narcissistic mother. She moved three times in two years. Her only child, me, had to pack and arrange each move. She also became meaner and meaner to me each time. At the end she would tell everyone who would listen how awful I was. I started helping her when my father died and responded to each need. I even put her insurance on my credit card because she wanted to cancel it. I handled all her transportation, appointments, trips, bills, etc. When I paid her bills I was stealing her money. She called at all times, night or day. But no matter how she begged, I would not let her live with us.
She took my health with the stress she caused, but it would have been much worse if she lived with us. I had adult children with real issues and disabilities. I also had a full time job, although I had to retire early because of the health issues. Stress kills and causes horrible diseases.
My mother was like yours at the start of her decline. It was dementia, and even her favorite doctor did not catch it at the start. Do not let your mother live with you. The meanness will only get worse and eat away at you. Limit your time with her, and definitely tell her you are out of town regularly. It is not easy even if she is in AL, but at least you can still have a life.
Ultimately you cannot make another person be happy. Although I had relatives and others who bought into her nasty fantasies, there were also friends of hers and mine who actually understood. One was a retired nurse and stuck it out until the end, a true angel.
The point to my saga is not to get in too deep. It is not easily undone, and can be very costly in more than just monetary ways. At least tell her sometimes that you are going out of town for a few days. She will never know.
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Is your Mother capable of living on her own with in-home assistance? Depending on the state or Medicare suppliment,- if she has one - and there is an availability of senior communities in your area, she may do better in her own "home". HUD offers apartments, condos specially designed and priced for seniors which can be a step to take before AL. Be careful if you go through HUD however, as some housing is available to young families as well, which may or may not be the best choice for your Mom. Many Senior apartments offer housekeeping services, on-call RN or PA, community centers, even daily transportation to malls, grocery stores, or community events. Medicare will only pay for "Doctor ordered" home care and only for a limited time and very rarely will Medicare pay for daily home care. Others insurances will pay for initial home helpers then the individual has to pay out of pocket. Depending on the size of her monthly pension she may qualify for your States/ local senior aid programs. Our local Medicaid pays for everyday home helpers, transportation for doctor's visit and shopping, and enrollment in Senior day care. Thing is, from experience, if this controlling/ passive agressive was your parent's behavior when you were a child, she will not change, so you have to change your response and involvement for both your sakes. You and your sibings can stand up for yourself by strongly offering your Mother the opportunity of the run her own home, freedom to do as she wants, with professional care. Good luck. Do not be ashamed to seek out help. It is best that you and your siblings don't put yourselved in a position to become a victim, because it does you and your mom a disservice as well.
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The "obey" thing ended when you became an adult on your own.
The honor thing: all this means is some respect for their opinions - it is not necessary to agree or to follow their advice.  And being their doormat is NOT honoring them.
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Pipsqueak Oct 2019
Well said Rovana. As my hubby said. "Walk away as she is not acting like a mother" and he is a very quiet respectful man who has been amazing to my mother. Pipsqueak. My post so rings of so many other peoples issues.
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Hello 'MyMothersKid', I'm impressed with how respectful you say u are toward ur mother, (& suggest you not 'test ur limits'), by spending 2 much time with her.
Mom's very fortunate to be in such good health, but 2 bad about her personality issues. Please don't let her move in with u, (just help her out in whatever ways u can manage.) It could be a long road ahead for you all...so pace urself!
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