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My Mother came to live with us in 2019 after my Father passed away. The 1st 3 months she was active, Got dressed everyday, Helped with cooking, household, Etc.
My husband and I work 40 plus hours a week and our 3 sons are independent adults.
After 3 months it went downhill. She stopped caring for herself completely. Stopped getting dressed, stopped going out with me on my days off (She doesn't drive - Never did), Stays in bed all day and has become very nasty.
Prior to moving in with me she had a massive heart attack in 2016. Her heart is now perfectly fine after the stent per her cardiologist.
Almost everyday that she has been with me she's "sick" - It goes from a stomach ache to arthritis to a cold, etc.
She also has stopped eating, Eats once a day and she showers every 5-6 days, and just lays in bed. She doesn't even associate with us and has cut any friends she had off.
If I say anything to her about she gets extremely defensive and dismisses anything that I say.
She has stated to just let her die in peace - Stated that more than once and has also said she just wants to die. It's bad enough that she says it to me but also says it in front of my kids.
She also lies constantly to me and refuses to help herself.
I made her tell her Dr that she doesn't eat, lays in bed all day, etc as I am so scared that people are going to think it's elder abuse, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Any advice or assistance would be greatly appreciated

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Sounds like a serious case of depression. Get her to her doctor and tell him everything that's going on. There are medications that will help her.
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Jennygirl76 Sep 2021
Oh, I agree 100%, However, She won't even take vitamins let alone an antidepressant. I'm at a loss.
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Maybe also to a neurologist for testing for a dementia.

My mother quit all the same things.

She lives in Memory Care, and has been there about a year now.
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Jennygirl76 Sep 2021
I thought that too. It's so frustrating cause she refuses to go to a Dr.
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Did her primary run current bloodwork/urine etc? Additional b12 - vitamin d3 - thyroid etc to see if something else could be causing depression? I would start there just to rule out the basics. Sometimes just small things can lead to the above. 🤞🏼
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My answer is not going to be popular but here it goes:... Dementia is a fatal disease. When a person has made up their mind to die. Why are we pulling out all the stops to keep them here? For our own selfish needs?
If a brain diseased person begins going through the dying process, make them comfortable, and content as you can. Love on them and let them go to in peace, keep them from harm but let them go..... I see so many people give the LO such good care and medical intervention that they suffer for years or decades with confusion, fear, Anxiety and they still will die.
God bless you and all of you for trying so gallantly to save and preserve these folks from death. But are you acting in their best interest or yours. Just something to think about. Praying for all of us who have to make these hard hard hard decisions each day.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2021
Patti2021,

Your answer is very popular with me and I agree with it.
Jennygirl76's mother may not have dementia.
She could be suffering from clinical depression and unlike dementia there are medications and therapy that can treat it and keep it under control.
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Dementia or a UTI may not be to blame for what's going on with your mom.
She may have clinical depression and unlike dementia it can be helped and treated.
She has to be admitted to the hospital for a psychiatric assessment. They will be able to determine and diagnose there.
I'm sure she will refuse to go. That will happen. You have to be strong and force it. The next time she starts up about wanting to die or is saying it to the kids, call an ambulance. Tell the dispatch that she's suicidal and they need to come get her. They'll take her to the hospital and they will keep her up to 72 hours for assessment. This is a start. It will be hard to do this, but it's what is best for your mom.
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Since she is left to her own devices during the day, I believe she is depressed and gets no outside stimulation. I agree there could also be dementia at work.

I'd get her a thorough medical check-up including the basic cognitive assessment. If she is otherwise healthy, your mom might be better off in an elder community such as assisted living where she would be exposed to others her age. She would have access to activities and a staff 24/7/365(6) to keep an eye on her and try and get her moving.

If you want to keep her at home, hire on mom's dime in home care for companionship primarily, but also to assist or encourage her to bathe more often and make her snacks or small meals. I really believe your mom needs companionship while you and your husband are away at work.

I wish you, your mom and husband the best and hope your mom get the help she needs.
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UTI, low vitamin D, B vitamins, depression, tell her you are taking her to her favorite hairdresser for a new hairdo.
Get her nails done… some pampering.
Is she close with friends… send them out for lunch.
If true depression will need a low dose med.
The change in behavior makes me think UTI. Can be a drastic change in behavior with UTI’s.
If it is that a couple of days into meds you should see a positive change.
even when depressed it is recommended that you somehow get the person into a shower to bathe and was hair. Set out clean, comfy clothes, new slippers…
It is also
possible the doctors have missed something and she does feel like she is passing, turning away from
people and friends, declining appetite…are signs also.
Lots to consider.. shower/hair, clean clothes, trip to her doctor to check for UTI, low vitamins, blood work…then move on from there.
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You don’t mention her age or why she came to live with you, but it sounds like the 3 month honeymoon period ended and the move to your house was too soon given the recommendation that widows/widowers don’t make any major change the first year.

It’s possible
- Covid cast a dismal isolating depressing cloud on top of her loss
- conversation with you and hubby is not easy or controversial and there’s no one else to bounce around thoughts and feelings
- she’s not getting over her husbands death & watching you all move forward hurts
- she’s isolated
- she’s lonely (Robin Williams said you can be lonely in a room filled with people)
- she feels like a third wheel
- she’s exhausted listening to your frustration and telling her what to do (hence the lying)
- she wishes she was back in her house with her rules and style of living instead of yours.

Now suppose it isn’t one thing, it’s a combination of things. Wouldn’t you be depressed?

In her shoes, I’d want someone neutral to help me create my vision of life moving forward. And depending on my age, that vision might include dying.
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I can relate. Though mom dresses clean every day and does not have any odor, we have now determined she hasn’t bathed for 5 months or more. She yells and goes hysterical whenever we tread on subjects of what she needs to do. We pick our battles. She has not taken her few meds for months and the siblings and I are not pushing her to take them. Elder abuse? Is letting her live the most gentle life we can allow her elder abuse? We keep her safe. We pick our battles carefully. Yes we think a bath every 6 months is needed. We are putting “bath day” on the calendar every 2 weeks. We are going to start drawing her bath and letting her know… we do this for you every 2 weeks for months now.” Not true but at some point she will believe it. We hope.
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Your mother appears to be suffering from clinical depression. Please get her to a psychiatrist, a geriatric psychiatrist preferably, for evaluation and treatment. I would advise a short stay in an inpatient unit until she moods are more stable since you and your husband are both working.
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I also agree with the suggestions below. You're going to have to force her, as mean and dramatic as this sounds, because something must be done. Things are not going to get better on their own, and she's apparently going to disagree with everything you try or have tried. Once she gets to a psychiatric facility, there certainly should be some diagnosis, letting you know what's going on so that it can be dealt with. You are not being mean to her; you are getting her to services that can help her. We all are thinking of you and wishing you and your mom the best.
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“I love you and I miss the good times I used to have with you, and you’re not going to die in my house, on my watch. Choose to let me take you to the (a?) doctor, or I will bring someone here to see you in your bed. Your present situation isn’t fair to me or your SIL or your grandchildren OR YOU!”

What “people” think is none of their business. You and your family deserve her company at it’s best. Give it a shot. “Depression” doesn’t treat itself. She needs help, and f she’s refusing, she needs help even more.
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Candyapple Sep 2021
wonderful advise. I couldn't have said, it better.
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Jennygirl76: Perhaps your mother needs to see a specialist like a psychiatrist.
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Sorry, to here of your circumstances. I do believe things will get better. Pray over mom and read the Bible. She may be depressed after getting the Stent she may not feel like herself. She needs counseling. I know my mom changed when that happened to her. Give mom lots of hugs and kisses. the tables are turning and she's like one of your kids. think of when u were a little child how she took care of u to the end. please don't give up on mom. just u and go go out for a drive or a walk to the park and give mom a hug and say I love u mom please tell me the problem so i can help u feel urself again. Make sure she sees a nutrionists food matters. when u don't eat right that turns into a problem. a plant based diet would help. Most of all call on our Lord and Savior. I'm rooting for you this to shall pass. keep me posted.
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sometimes the medications can make u depressed. by eating healthy you don't need it. also, check out Joe Cross on You Tube as well. He was on meds and now he's off bc he Juices.
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bundleofjoy Sep 2021
hug! i agree! try to avoid medicine, if possible.
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it sounds like dementia and depression.

hug!!

the situations i personally know, are dementia. they are not depressed, enjoy life, look forward to things.

does your mother have memory problems? (typical dementia). not eating/shower (typical dementia — can also be depression. some people want to die, starve themselves).

hug!
courage!!

we all need purpose in life; things to look forward to. i hope your mother can get passionate about some projects. how about a new pet? cute dog?

hug!
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so what did the doctor say? sounds like she is depressed after losing her hubby. probably the first 3 months she put on a "show" that she was fine, but the depression finally caught up with her. maybe if you can get her to go to someone with help in dealing with the loss. Tell her that you need some help in dealing with the loss and that "would she go along for support".......maybe then she might open up also. (you can let the doctor know this in advance). i wish you luck.
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