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My mom has first stages of vascular dementia, also bipolar. I got her help now and problem with mom. APS has said abuse, neglect and exploitation on me. I have been POA before she got diagnosed. I sent her for help at hosptial and they sent her for psych help. Now meds are controlled and she is great. Should I get lawyer or do what APS wants me to do, which is a daycare for money to our state, NC. They have threatened me to take guardianship if I didn't do what there plan is. I am 24/7 caregiver and I don't need daycare.

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This seems a little extreme on the part of APS. We had an autistic boy who burst into our home one day a few years ago after he wandered away from his home but I would never have thought to call CPS because the police were already involved. However, APS doesn’t “lie” and they don’t target or pick on people. They're way too busy for that.

How long was Mom wandering the neighborhood before you got to the neighbor’s house where she eventually wound up? (You don’t need to “know” the neighbors for them to report you) Are you sure this hasn’t happened before? Is APS recommending daycare because Mom is being left alone?

Cooperate with APS. Tell them you are seeking help for your mother and provide documentation from doctors she’s seen. Ask them to help you find a solution for your mother. They will not go away and you are now on their radar. If they have told you if you don’t cooperate they will take guardianship of your mother if you don’t do as they say, they aren’t kidding.
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Wegener’s is SO serious and SO complex. Unless there are circumstances beyond those you’ve mentioned, would it be better for both you and your mother if she were a ward of the state?.
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Jenwide70 Nov 2019
I am in remission, and no my mom will stay with me until she can't. She is just stage 1. I got her behavior better by them getting her meds right with her bipolor. Now we are all fine. But aps has accused me which that bothered me. She lives in clean house has and gets anything she needs
I am a great caretaker and still learning
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This must be incredibly upsetting for you and I’m sorry your difficult circumstances have gotten more complicated. I agree with Ahmijoy that you should fully cooperate with APS. For your peace of mind, if you can afford a consultation with a lawyer then set up an appointment and hear what they have to say. And finally, please consider that as your disease progresses and you mom’s disease progresses, it’s realistic to say that you may not be able to provide care long term. This may be an opportunity to avoid even bigger problems up the road. I’m not trying to be harsh, but offering a well-meaning bit of practical advice.
Hugs to you and your mom.
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How is it that, with an autoimmune disease, caring for your father on hospice and a mother with dementia who wanders, that you dont think that having some time to yourself would not be a good thing?

Does your mother have SS that can be used to pay for DayCare?
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Jenwide70 Nov 2019
My mom has 1st stages of vascular dementia also. She was very combative after I moved her to a house we bought together after her husband passed 1 year ago. I got her help and different person since I got her phsyo help. I am poa and she has always been my best friend. She makes to much to get help. Adult protection service tells me I have to do what they say or they will take guardianship. I got poa before Dr said she had dementia. They have lied to me so many times. Told me today they went door to door in neighborhood and we just moved here a year ago. Before I got meds right she was acting out and she did go to a neighbors house which I was with her, talking and telling her to come back inside.Now they have made there on call by talking to neighbors that I don't even know and happened one time.
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Do not move her money to your name. That is called financial exploitation of a vulnerable adult. A felony and reason enough, all by itself to move mom to a place of their choosing.
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Do you have deadbolt locks on all your doors to prevent your mom from wandering off? If not, you should consider it. The ones that can't be opened from the inside without a key. Then be sure to place the key, or keys, where she can't get to them. Don't place them on a hook where they might be found. People even with dementia or Alzheimer's can be very resourceful-escape artists--at least in the earlier to mid stages of the illness.
In his lifetime my father-in-law who came to live with us wandered off while I went to take a shower. He was sitting in a chair sleeping, I had the room darken, and I figured "YAY! This is my chance to hop in the shower"-I was only in the shower for about 3 mins when I came out and he'd unlocked the front door and wandered off. It was cold outside. Wet, with quickly thrown on clothes I went looking for him. He'd actually wandered the street and was in another block trying to hitch a ride back to a town Arkansas where his parents family once owned a farm. I told him to hop on in and we'd be on our way. Drove around the block back to the house and just that quick, he'd forgotten all about trying to hitch a ride to Arkansas.
But please consider deadbolts. You having moved to the area and having been there only a year, what could your neighbors tell APS about you or your mom anyway? Do you have any interactions with any of your neighbors at all? Someone you might be able to trust to talk with?
But please consider deadbolt locks. The kind that needs a key to unlock from the inside as well as out.
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Jenwide70 Nov 2019
Aps said I couldn't lock her in just get alarms for doors which I did
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I think that you should consider the ADULT DAY CARE option suggested by APS, as it would free up time in your already busy schedule and give you some much needed support and give you the opportunity to manage your other responsibilities, and give you the time to rest and recuperate during her daily outing, which will be good for her too!

APS Isn't there to prosecute you, they are there to help both you and your mother, and I think you need to step back and look at this more objectively. They may be seeing you as overwhelmed and needing additional help to be able to keep your Mom at home longer than perhaps you would be able to, if this is what you wish to do.

There is nothing wrong with accepting the help offered, for if they truly found you to being incompetent, they would have removed her on the spot.

Try to look as this as additional layer of assistance that will enhance both of your lives. You have a tremendous amount of pressure on you right now dealing with SD, you Mom with Dementia, and your own illness, which is made worse by the stresses you are dealing with, so take all the help that is offered, and hopefully things will lighten up with the additional support.

You really are doing a great job, but your Mom will continue to decline in her Dementia, and will continue to make life that much harder. Accepting that help will only make your life easier in the long run. Good luck!
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"APS has said abuse, neglect and exploitation on me." Is this what you have been accused of? Have they taken you to court? Were you found guilty?

I have never said this to anyone. I suggest that you ask APS to petition the court for guardianship of mom. You sound too ill to be caring for mom with an illness of her own that will only get worse.

You bought a house together? How did that happen? Are you equal owners with equal cash investment? Mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid, she makes too much? What is the source of mom's income? How is that spent? Are you paying your share of household expenses?

Yes, if I were you I would certainly get an attorney. Not sure what speciality to recommend to you. Of course that attorney is your expense, not mom's.

One additional question. You got meds right? Was that process under the care of a doctor? Regular appointments? Meds given in compliance with prescription?
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Jenwide70 Nov 2019
I am in remission and have been. They have not took me to court. I will fight them my mom will not live in nursing home, until I can't handle her.
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I don't understand the "daycare" thing. Do they mean putting Mom in an adult Daycare to give you a break? Or are you talking about Homecare where an aide will be sent to help you with Mom? Can u afford what they want u to do? If not, they need to find a way u can afford it.

I would do what they are asking. You have a lot on ur shoulders. And with ur health problems, stress doesn't help.

They are trying to help keep Mom in your home. They can override ur POA. Look at it they are trying to help you.

APS talking to neighbors is part of their job. The neighbors will say they don't know you that well.
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shad250 Nov 2019
Probably daycare where the mom would go for a few hours a day for either one or more days a week. They usually run from 9, 9:30 to 2 or 2:30. The workers try to keep the clients as they are called, busy either with arts and crafts, speakers, day trips, games, fun activities. I volunteer at a nice place that has one, there the program is called Adult Wellness.
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Even if you end up not needing a lawyer for this situation, find one for the future. Your lawyer should know your situation and your Mom's intimately. He or she should have all documents on file...POA, wills, trusts, whatever. Keep them informed of issues and problems along the way. When you establish this relationship with your lawyer, you can call them at a moment's notice when a issue arises. My attorney has seen me through my journey from divorce from my first husband and the death of my mother (he settled her estate for me) to where I am now...remarried and dealing with a 92 year old MIL and a husband with possible cognitive issues. I trust my lawyer with all of my affairs and he acts immediately on behalf of my husband and I whenever we need him to. Find someone you like and trust and who will be there when you need them!
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