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Hi, I put all my info about the situation in my profile.
Long story short, Susan my neighbor is disabled and should ideally be
in an ALF. She outlived her spouse and subsequent partner, which is how I met her. Her only family are two much older siblings who live several hours away and she insists they would put her in a nursing home. I met them once, almost two years ago and pulled the brother aside asking him to step in and help. He agreed she is vulnerable, but nothing came of it.


I took Susan to our local Texas state elderly care services office and she sat down with a counselor who told her she being on Medicare and her income being $ 2,900 a month, she does not qualify for any state assistance. She would have to pay for home care service out of pocket. She is only eligible for nursing home placement. Susan owns her own small home outright, the counselor advised her to avoid the nursing home route as she seems okay to live at home for now. I got Susan on Life Alert because she uses a walker and falls sometimes. I cleaned her house of tons of junk and cleared it up for safety purposes. The doctor advised Susan to give up driving due to all the medication she takes. Susan has a housekeeper that comes in once a month to deep clean and someone else to do yard work.


Susan asked me to help her out in exchange for $250. I take her to Walmart once a month, prescriptions twice a month, dinner three times a week, scheduled doctor appointments which vary and any errands she needs, all using her car and I carry her credit card with me. I also collect her mail and take out her trash. The toughest for me are the dinners, she is a very picky eater and refuses to get Meals on Wheels. I only cook for her occasionally because she does not like the same kind of food as me and it is just too much work. She likes a particular flavored water that I have to go out and hunt down because it is not always stocked at Walmart. She insists the dinner be served hot between 5 and 6 pm. This led to me getting hit in her car from behind in traffic after a few months. The accident report, reporting to her insurance company, etc. I just blew up this summer and yelled that I can't be her damn Fairy Godmother all the time. I said it was too much, and she said she would pay me $ 500 so I stayed on.


I told her that I am having financial issues and that I need to get a full time job and that maybe a room mate would help. She asked me to find her a room mate, I placed an ad on Craigslist and have referred two women to call her, not sure how that will turn out. She called a church and now I have to take her to that church on Monday at 2 pm to interview a possible person to replace me. THEN Susan called me back and said I have to take her the next day, Tuesday to the hospital for a procedure. I blew up, frustrated mad because I need to work for myself to get money to pay my own bills. I do not make anywhere near what Sue makes and I have a mortgage. My own financial situation is dwindling and I am scared. I have no idea if she will find a replacement but I hope she does. She chronically complains she has no money, I have no idea what she spends it on. She refuses to ask a banker to sit down and help her with her checkbook. She would gladly keep the money she pays me if I didn't need it so much.

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I'm going to be blunt.  Shari, you're being used and manipulated.    Your neighbor is a predator who senses your vulnerability.  

The only way to stop this one-sided, predatory relationship is to just tell her that you can no longer help her.  However, I suspect she's the kind of person who would retaliate.   You don't have to provide any excuses, but from your description, she's persistent and will try to out talk you to break down your defenses.  

So, If you think she'll spy on you and notice that your car is still at home, then tell her you have a new job allowing you to work from home, and that you can no longer have the time to help her.   If she ups her stipend, advise her that you need medical and other benefits.  In fact, you could even give her a list of every benefit you need, including that she'd have to be responsible for deductions and sending them to the IRS (and state, if applicable).    You might even focus on the fact that you need medical benefits of your own and since she can't afford to provide them, you need a real job.

She WILL try to manipulate and find your weakness and play on it, so be prepared.    

Think up rationale to counter everything she might say, and make sure that you keep receipts, etc. in the event she makes some kind of legal compliant or claims financial abuse, or whatever.   People this manipulative can't be trusted.

I suspect some of the problems she claimed are fictitious, and that she's learned over the years how to manipulate people.  

If you think of other justifications, use them, but remember that YOU are the only one responsible for you, and you're NOT responsible for her.

In the meantime, find activities that build your self esteem as it's been depleted by your neighbor.
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sharibari Dec 2019
Thank you so very much. I never thought about the legal implications I was getting myself into. I will heed your advice, and I appreciate it so very much.
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sharibari, place by the telephone a printed out card that says "I cannot possibly do that" which is an easier way of saying "no". Even practice saying that in front of the mirror until you are comfortable saying that. That way you can win your power back.
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sharibari Dec 2019
Thank you so very much. I struggle with my self esteem daily. My mom was very dutiful, she spent all her weekends off getting in the car and driving out to have sit down visits with her elderly mom, then aunt, then my older sister who was in prison and mental hospitals. She had me in tow, which I hated. But the imprint upon me was to be dutiful toward shut ins. I am so grateful you answered me so nicely, I have no one to turn to tell me the truth and I knew something had to be wrong due to my anger toward the situation. Advice taken~ and appreciated so much.
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This is not a situation that can go on. I am sure you know that. This is not even a relative. This isn't a matter of money. You are correct, that you DO need to get a job lest you end up where poor Susan is at this moment. You need a job and a life. If Susan cannot function now to get herself the care she needs she will have to call in her family to help her seek placement. This is not your job. Please call Susan's family, let them know what you have been doing, and that you cannot continue. If Susan will not give you their phone number, then she shall have to call them herself. Tell her you will continue to function as you have for a set amount of time. Say first of the year. Then step away and do so completely. It will get all fuzzy and messed up again if you try to step away slowly. This is not right, should not have happened, and we have to recognize that getting yourself into this position was your doing and your choice, albeit it kind of just crept up worse and worse.
If you must leave on the 1st and you are certain Susan is along than provide her with the number of Adult Protective Services in your town.
I am very sorry you got into this problem. But it is a learning experience. You cannot fix everything and not everything can be fixed. So sorry for all you are going through, and all she is going through, but this is no answer.
Meanwhile, it is time to get out and get that job. For this is a mutual dependency that is going nowhere good.
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You mentioned that you need to find other work. I agree that you most definitely do. First of all, I know that you want to be satisfied with your job. You are not currently happy being employed by her.

Someone always needs a job. She will find someone and you are off the hook!

Have you told her that you will stay until she hires someone else? Set a time frame, then leave.

I read your profile. Codependent relationships never work. They are unhealthy. You are miserable.

She needs a lot of care. You do not have a compatible relationship. You eat different foods. She is impatient and unreasonable when you are running food errands for her.

I understand her frustrations of being dependent on others but as you say, you do not have the capability of being someone’s fairy godmother. Fairy godmothers live in fairytales.

I am sorry that your neighbor has no one else. You said that you have tried speaking to her sibling and all he did was acknowledge her situation. He did not offer to help.

I don’t think it is her siblings responsibility to help her. They are elderly themselves.

If her siblings wanted to help they would ask what she needed and offered help so that is most likely a dead end road. It’s nice if siblings care for one another but most people can’t rely on their siblings.

You are right to want to resume your ‘real’ life and hopefully she will realize that fairy godmothers are only in a make believe world so the next caregiver will have a more pleasant atmosphere to work in.

Stick to your guns. Don’t allow her to convince you to stay even if she increases the money like she did before. You don’t want to be her caregiver. Find work that you enjoy.

Best wishes to you.
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It is really uncomfortable and damaging to yourself to be dangling at the end of a string held by a user.

You are okay if you could only help a little back when you volunteered, but that time is past. It is okay to withdraw, quit completely, and tell her so.

She has resources to get help, and a housekeeper who can arrange for help or do more herself, perhaps.

If you do not want to quit, and feel compelled to keep this up, but it is making you angry, ask yourself what is it that you are getting out of this dysfunctional relationship?

I agree, you should be able to enjoy your job, enjoy your life. Sometimes the only way to do that is to disconnect entirely from a relationship. But, you don't have to. It will feel like you are withdrawing from drugs, alcohol, any addiction.
So you can keep doing it, or not. Give yourself 90 days to recover from the drama, and enjoy not being abused by someone.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Wise words.
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https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/207367

Get her an eldercare attorney. She can set up a Miller Trust to become eligible for Medicaid.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
This is so smart! This will help her out long term.
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Sharibari,
You are so gracious to answer back in appreciation of the suggestion to putting a note on the mirror, and practicing stating: "I cannot possibly do that".

And you are exactly right about the anger that you experience, it is not good for you and it is a symptom that there is a problem.

I know someone who started a business (very successful) driving seniors. She had boundaries, and would shop along with the senior, but only drove, no caregiving. If you are someone who is good with boundaries, maybe that could be your job, picking your own clients and hours.

You are not being paid enough to meet all of your neighbor's needs. Agreeing to a monthly stipend may be the problem, if it is not based upon the minimum per hour you should be getting. (20/hr.?)
If you can list your chores, when, where, and cut out a few errands, like dinners, this could work. Do you feel that your neighbor respects you, your boundaries,
and would pay you what the job is worth. OR, do you think that now she is paying you more, her demands are increasing, and that she is just too needy, maybe using you. Ask yourself, are you running a charity, and can you afford it? Can you limit helping her to 4 times a month?

Hoping you can find the answer.
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Your neigbour requires a lot of assistance to live her life.

You wanted to assist but her needs grew & keep growing.
Now she relies on you. You are overwhelmed & feeling resentful. You find yourself providing her assisted living arrangement, in her home. This works for her. This does not work for you.

Time for a new type of assisted living for her.
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Sharibari, you have allowed yourself to be not only manipulated and placed in potential legal jeopardy, you have been bought and paid for basically as a servant to this woman. Get out of this situation immediately. You should call adult protective services in your city and report her situation. That so the best you can do for her. Good luck.
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This is why I no longer volunteer for anything. Its like people think you've committed for the rest of your life. If asked, I probably would do it but it doesn't commit me.

For us it started with a friend of mines Mother. An occasional Drs. Appt in DE. Because of lost sight in her left eye, she did feel comfortable driving over the bridge. Then because of GFs health issues, her retired husband had to go back to work to pay her bills. New Co. wouldn't allow him to take off for GFs appt. (juvenile diabetic) So DH volunteered to drive her van for lab and Dr. visits in DE. Then her 25 yr old daughter contracted Thyroid cancer. We were asked if we would now transport her. The final nail was the oldest daughter (in her 30s) returning home and GF asking us to transport her. I put my foot down here. Daughter has friends who can take her.

During this whole time none of them tried to find doctors in NJ. I worked a week on and a week off. In one month, I had appts for them 3x a week. I got over whelmed. What got me out of it was babysitting my grandson. Then caring for my Mom. My friend husband lost his job so drove his family around. GF passed because of complications from being a juvenile diabetic. I know I should have visited with the mother but I was afraid of being sucked back in. And it is really hard to say no when ur retired.

You need to get that job. I also suggest that when u do, call APS and ask if they can do a well check on her.
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So you can see the problem, too much for ONE carer. Susan needs a whole team. Do you think Susan sees this?

Firstly, do you want to keep assisting her? Be a small part of her team? With more boundaries & clarity around what you will do or won't do? Eg: be her driver ONE affernnon a week. (Susan must arrange the rest of her week?)

Or do you want completely out? Back to just a neigbour?
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OP you would be prudent to bear in mind that this woman has outlived a husband and a partner. If you get sucked in to caring for her she may well outlive you too.
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mommyskids Dec 2019
lol
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You have gone above and beyond for your neighbor.My mom did the same thing for an elderly neighbor.

You are teetering on burnout.
I would give your neighbor a deadline to hire your replacement and notify her sibling that as of said date you will no longer be her caregiver.
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Begin your job search now! The working from home excuse covers you for all snooping, observing of your car coming and goings. This person is a neighbor, not your spouse. Take back your power. You are not obligated to arrange your life for your neighbor. The nerve to expect to be taken to dinner several times per week. The nerve to expect so many chauffeured errands. I can’t fathom the constant demands. I gather this situation came on so gradually, you hadn’t a clue what she was doing. I bet if she had to pay for a cab or Uber for all those errands and dinners out, she would suddenly be going out much less.

Please move on with your life, and allow her to use some of her time arranging her own life.
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After you do the Interviewing, You are THEN..OFF THE HOOK. Stay Clear, Dear, Just Go about your Business now. Le the Church thenn worry about it AFTER you Speak to Them as well.
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Pay back that money now! And keep proof of it forever. This is so when you set your boundaries she or whoever will be caring for her next can’t claim elder financial abuse.

I am considering retirement myself & thought I would volunteer & fill in my time helping older elderly in my town with errands. Well, your post has show me how this can mushroom into total reliance.
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Gm you need to call you state local Department of Aging and see how your friend can be assigned a Case worker and they can take over and assist her. Or you will have to be her guardian or POA to take on financial responsibilities. Their is not much you can do but be her friend and help her around you schedule, you have to be honest with her and explain its starting to effect your personal life.
Good Luck!
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Can you arrange to put her on the pill pack system? They will mail out her medications to her. I would be cautious about advertising on Craigs list for help..Lots of scammers and scary people on there, JMO. Does the church have a program that helps people get to and from their doctor's appointments, etc.?

It does sound like you are burned out and I would recommend getting out of that relationship. That kind of dependence that can kill your relationship as neighbors. I wish you the best of luck.
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ShariBari,

I am so sorry you are going through this, all from a loving and giving spirit of service to help a neighbor in need.

You have indeed gone well above and beyond to try and help her, but you are now in danger of putting yourself in marital, legal, and financial jeopardy as a result. One person cannot and should not try help her alone. As someone mentioned above, it takes a team and it takes money to do so.

Many here have discussed the need to distance yourself from her and regain your own life. The best way to deal with a situation like this is to pray for strength to be bold and courageous with your neighbor and set your own clear boundaries with her, as a few people above have mentioned. You can still help, if you decide, but in much more limited ways.

A great resource to help in learning how to take back control of your life, set boundaries with others, and regain yourself esteem is the best seller book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend.

You can Search Google to find many of their podcasts and videos, as well. They have an inexpensive paperback version as well as a workbook that is helpful.

Amazon Link (not an affiliate link):

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Sr57DbVXFMG0B

I pray you will find this helpful and are able to regain your own life in the process.
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Check out ChefsforSeniors for cooking and meal preparation. They charge a reasonable fee and can tailor menus. They also come into the home for the preparation so they add some socializing to the mix. There are many options out there for Susan -- not so many for you if you fall into debt!
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I would sit down with her and tell her exactly what you told us.

You can decide the amount of money it's worth to you and if an arrangement can be made. Good.

Her best bet would be to hire a Live In and if she goes on Care.com could find one for $500 a month.

She would furnish them a bedroom, bathroom and furnish their food.
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Grandma1954 Dec 2019
I would love to know who would work as a live in for $500 a month.( And I don't think those wages would be legal. )
And if there were I don't know that I would trust them.
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Sit down with her with a Caregiver Contract.
Spelling out what you will do, when and for how much. Any hours worked past what is spelled out would be overtime pay.
Figure at least minimum wage, or what you could get paid doing what you have done in the past.
She also needs to properly report the income, take taxes and all the rest of the legal stuff this is so this job will be reflected in your Social Security quarters.
It might be possible that when she realizes how much she will be paying you she might decide to hire someone else.
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rovana Dec 2019
Good point.  Be sure you are an employee and Susan is paying all required taxes (Social Security) for you to get your quarters.  I suspect that she will decide otherwise when she has to pay the proper cost.
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You have received a lot of good advice here. My concern is the Credit Card usage -- you need to get that paid back pronto, and NEVER EVER do that again. You have not disclosed the amount, but I suspect it's more than just a little. When the siblings do step into the picture - you can bet they are going to view this "borrowing" as theft or Elder Abuse, and they will be after you!

In your background, you mention that she received a large payout a few years back, and had no recollection of it. It is entirely possible, that when her siblings question her . . . .she will not recall "Giving you permission" to use the card! What a pickle you will be in there! As another poster mentioned - make it your number one priority to pay that back, use checks and make copies so that you have a perfect record of it - you are going to need it.
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Jkrystal5 Dec 2019
From my understanding I don't think she meant she was using credit card for her self. She uses the credit card for Susan's groceries medication fuel etc. I do the same for my inlaws needs. But she definitely needs to keep receipts
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You are much too much enmeshed in this neighbor's life. You are enabling her and she treats you poorly because you let her.

Stand up for yourself. In my opinion you have two choices: either write up a contract with her and learn the word "No", or quit and stop answering her phone calls.

You have your own financial issues. Get yourself a roommate to share expenses.
You do not have the time, energy or resources to waste on solving this woman's problems.

Work on your resume and go to a temp agency. You can earn $500 working as a temp until you find a full-time job. An employment agency may even help you with your resume to highlight your hard skills that they know are in demand.

Go to the library and check out the resources available to you. Make a plan for yourself. Letting this neighbor take advantage of you for $500 a month while you are on the verge of financial ruin is not a plan.
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You have a kind caring heart but you need to take care of yourself before you can help another. She has grown dependent on you because she trusts you. But she is taking advantage and will continue. Put your foot down give her a specific resignation date. She needs to find a companion maybe look at Care.com or Google a elderly companion company in your area. She may not qualify for benefits at this point but if she spends down her money with caregiver services she may qualify later.
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Move! Get out of that neighborhood!
It would be great if you could escape.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2019
Moving costs money.
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Please call a home health care agency with her. She needs more care than you are able to provide. The agency can provide home health care aides that can do all the tasks you described. You can then go back to being a friendly neighbor.
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Diane610 Dec 2019
Spot on! My mom has been on home health care for years. Fully paid for by Medicare, except the small co-pay for the monthly home doctor visit. Even though she is in a group home, it is still covered.
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This is her family’s problem not yours, call them tell them to get their act together and you are out!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Even if family won’t help. Her neighbor can speak to her doctor or a social worker to decide the next step.
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I think you already know the answer, but need people to verify that it's okay. It's okay to say "no!" Circumstances change and your willingness and ability to help are allowed to change, too. Decide what you are truly willing and able to continue to do (if anything) WITHOUT feeling burdened. Write them down so both you and her family can visualize. Set a deadline for when this new guideline will begin. And stick to it! You're going to have to be strong and consistent. Do it while you can still be kind about it rather than at the end of your rope and "blowing up." It's okay. And the right thing to do. Best of luck. Be strong.
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If you want to continue to help Susan at all, you need to set limits on when you are available and with which chores you will help. For anything else, she will have to pay a home health care aide. Senior services and sometimes church volunteers might help arrange transportation to doctors.

Have Susan call Senior Services Organization(s) for references about medical transportation, Have her find a Home Health Care Agency for hiring a part time helper. If she schedules appointments and errands with part time hired help in mind, $500/month might cover most of that. She will have to schedule things, like the church interview, within the limits of when she has a helper. She is probably used to calling on you whenever something comes up, but you are not longer available on call.

Accommodating her picky eating might require that Susan pays for prepared food delivery--things catered to order, not Meals on Wheels. She will say that's too expensive, but she's the one being picky. She'll either have to pay or cook it herself. Groceries can be delivered. (Yep. More money, Susan, but that's the way it is.)
Susan may complain that these arrangements will cost more than the $500 month she pays you, but that is not your problem.
You need to reserve most of your week to finding a better paying job.
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