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As they say, "it takes a village." You can't and shouldn't take on your neighbor's care to this extent. Many more people (church outreach, philanthropic groups, etc) must be called in. And if you keep on in any capacity, you must have a written contract and all necessary legal documents completed.

I am concerned that some readers here misunderstood and thought that you were using your neighbor's credit card for your own purchases. You aren't. But if they misunderstood, then your neighbor's siblings might also. People can turn into monsters when there is money and estates involved. People who show no interest or concern for the family member, suddenly show up with demands. You needs to make sure that an elder attorney writes everything up legally and that you keep copies of all receipts.

I do feel for those in the gap, who can't afford assisted living and can't pay out of pocket for the care they need. But if you aren't careful, you could find yourself in the same bind. Please take care of your own needs first. Get that full-time job, and make it clear to your neighbor that she needs to check with you on availability. Your pay of $250 a month is not okay. Home health agencies charge $25/hour or more with a two-hour minimum. $500 is better, but not if it prevents you from working another job. You need to clearly delineate your availability and boundaries. If she can't observe those rules, then you need to stop entirely.
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elaineSC Dec 2019
Lynina2, this was a very good comment and 100% spot on.
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This made my blood run cold. I had not gone to a doctor in seven years because I was constantly taking my 90 year old mother to her doctor appointments. She had her own pension and my dad's pension, a huge house AND a son who she put in charge of all of her money. Guess who never showed up to do anything for her? I told her after four years I was almost destitute because I couldn't run my business. She didn't care. She called me literally 10 times a day to come over and do stuff for her, take her to the doctor, the store, whatever. When I say I almost died I was so run down physically and emotionally, I mean it literally. When she died last year I found out she had let my brother mortgage her house for over $200K and use her credit cards for hundreds of thousands more. He fought me in court over my inheritance and won. Her house, which she left to me, was torn down two months ago, and I have nothing but illness, no savings, and a failing business. My daughters are now adults and I missed a lot of their lives taking care of my mom, who was a horrible, controlling, selfish person. I would honestly move away rather than stay in the situation you are in. This is not charity! This is narcissism!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yep! I hear you. My situation was a nightmare too! Not worth it!
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Shari--

You are an angel on earth--and you're being horribly used!

This woman has found in you a cheap go-fer. And you have slowly become her crutch.

All the things you did for her--very, very kind--but running around looking for the special drink--that is just too, too much. You MUST pull back, and find a job that doesn't wear you to a sad nub while you're at it.

You know why I know this? because I did the exact same thing for a woman in my neighborhood. She seemed so completely and utterly lost--her home was in foreclosure, she had just had her 3 (terribly behaved) grandchildren dumped on her with zero support paid by her son for them and she would just sit in her filthy house watching TV all day, everyday, sunk in a depression.

I went to visit her one day (I really did not know her well) and her sob story got to me. I spent 5 months cleaning, buying groceries, tending and finally encouraging her in her desire (well, need) to move to a smaller home and get the kids adopted out. (She's 70 and too old to be raising a 7, 11 and 13 yo!!)

She rented pods to move all her stuff into. I was there every single day for up to 12 hours. I paid for the pods to be stored. Got right up to the wall about moving--and her son showed up and said he didn't want her to move--he stayed 3 days and then hasn't been back in over a year. She has no idea where he is.

So, her house is empty. The pods are costing ME $800 a month and she has nowhere to go. Back to sitting all day long in the ONE chair that's in the house and watching TV. Begging me to come help her move BACK into the house.

Not only did I NOT move her back into the house, I refused flat out to do anything to help her stay in a house that is always in pre-foreclosure AND I froze the CC's and wouldn't pay for storage. (I did get reimbursed by our church, eventually for the $4K that I spent on the storage, but I was still out about $1500 for 'sundries'.)

She's in a bad situation, but it's of her own making. She has worn out every single neighbor and friend. I am not alone in this. I had a 'come to Jesus' with her about a year ago and haven't had any real contact with her since. I told her she was literally killing me--and my hubby wasn't even speaking to me over this. She was FURIOUS.

With people who are used to using and being bailed out of bad decisions, there is never enough you can do for them. I learned that the hard way. The ONLY way to get away from being involved with her was to cut her off, almost completely. I had to be harsh with her and that is NOT my usual dynamic. I LOVE to help people and be there for friends. But not for extended periods of time and not for no pay or lousy pay, in your situation.

Walk away. She knows she's got her hooks in you, believe me. She's done this before and she'll do it again.

I know you live in kind of tight quarters and you'll still see her. Pat yourself on the back for the good you did and then turn a blind eye to her.

You are young enough that a PT job will be something to look

BUT--this isn't friendship, this is abuse.

It's been a year since I helped this woman. It made me question my ability to read cues and keep boundaries. I've had a really bad year, recovering from her.

Good Luck. Be tough. I know it's hard.
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#1. I would copy what you have written in here on this site and send it to her family members.
#2. Find yourself a fulltime job and notify the county social services office and church folks that you have written to her family and you cannot handle this anymore because you need to work fulltime.
#3. Pay back any money you owe her for the credit card purchases and get a receipt.
#4. Just know that this is going to get worse & worse. When it does, her family will not thank you, but instead, think the worst. That is very common so they will look to see about money she has given you. This is a train going nowhere and headed for disaster. Pay her what you owe her and remove yourself from the whole situation. Just be sure everybody is notified first.
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I agree with elainesc. She spoke about the legal issues of what you are doing and i would heed her advice. Very sound and is what i would recommend. Take care of you because when you reach the age where you can't help yourself what will you do for finances and caregiving? I'm in similar boat and have no money saved. I get SS but it isn't enough to cover everything. I'll need to work once again but know my health will put limitations on what i can do. Good luck!
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RedVanAnnie Dec 2019
Where can I find Shari's update? I don't know how to find Discussions when that's not one of the options on the thread that opens. I'd love to know how she is working out this problem.
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I used Oasis Senior Advisors to find my mother a group home. It is an actual house that is staffed 24/7 with a CNA and is owned by a registered nurse. They prepare all the meals, do laundry, assist with bathing, dressing, etc., and administer medications. Try checking your area for this type of ALF. I was able to negotiate the price down to $2,000/month but she shares a very spacious bedroom with another female. There are 4 females and 2 males at the home. It is very "homey" and this took the burden off me of being her only companion and caregiver. I would recommend this setting to anyone who is not ready for a nursing home but still needs assistance and monitoring.

I agree with alot of the other answers. You are being manipulated and being taken advantage of. Do yourself a favor, check with Oasis, A Place for Mom, or some other agency to help you find group homes. they are less expensive than the traditional ALFs and more cozy with 24 hr supervision.
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The needs will only increase!
Get. Out. Now!
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Sharibari,
Reading on a new thread, you have succeeded in ending things with your neighbor! That was a fast "recovery". Good for you!

If ever you find yourself doing something you don't want to do and getting angry, just check back in here and someone can set you back on the straight and narrow.

You are still a kind and caring person even if you have backed off from this particular neighbor. You can still love your neighbor from a distance.

When you do receive that urgent call from her, (bound to happen), have a plan...."I cannot possibly do that", and check in with your new AC friends.
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RedVanAnnie Dec 2019
Thanks for he forward. I'm delighted the forum has helped Shari take steps to extricate herself from being taken advantage of. It is really wonderful that so many people here have experience and offer input on solving some of our caregiving and eldercare problems.
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What happens is one spends down until you have nothing left and then Medicare/Medicaid kicks in and you go to the county facility in town-- and yeah, sometimes it is not a rose garden-- far from it as opposed to the places where those who have pensions and plenty of social security are the only ones accepted -- a la no Medicare patients accepted-- of course maybe texas is not as hospitable as where I am in a liberal town in southern Indiana...------ go talk to other agencies -- call 211--- talk to the Alzheimer's Association people and ask who can help-- there are-- sources of volunteers ! But it it really sounds like she should sell her home and get all God has for her.
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DugganB Dec 2019
Oh I forgot-- call a Place for Mom ! We found a great independent living facility that was right next to a assisted living when she finally needed it.
The independent is run by Holidaytouch.com, nationwide--- check them out.
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While it would be kind of you to offer your services to the neighbor, you are not the one responsible.
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I think many of us have fallen into this black hole at one time or another. Some of us with relatives, others with neighbors. It starts out with "Can you give me a ride to the grocery store?" Then, in a matter of weeks or months, you wake up and realize you are doing something for this person every day. And it is something that requires HOURS of your day. Every. Single. Day.

It takes a village (or one village idiot) to help an elderly person live "independently." Don't become the "village idiot" or your life will not be your own.

It is SAD and we often feel like crap for feeling angry and resentful toward a vulnerable elderly person. But they quickly become demanding and seem to think they own us and our time. Susan probably believes she is paying you a FORTUNE to do these "small tasks" for her, which are not small at all.

You MUST pay back that CC money you owe her. Hope you paid it with a check and keep a paper trail. It is also very strange about her missing settlement money from her employer and her monthly money running out. Do you ever see anyone else coming or going? Does she leave her house with anyone else? Makes me wonder if a family member has access to her checking account.

Is she able to use a microwave? Do they have the food delivery services where you are, such as Uber Eats, Door Dash, etc? Is she able to use a smart phone and an app? She needs to avail herself of the technology that is out there and stop enslaving others.
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Does Texas aging services have a senior transportation service that she can access? Can the flavored water be ordered online? How about having her order her groceries online and have them delivered? How about using a mail order pharmacy or a pharmacy that has delivery? In my area, the Y offers a senior shared housing program. An able bodied adult is partnered with a senior who provides housing in exchange for help around the home. My Area Agency on Aging has a caregivers registry which lists people you can hire to perform different services. If you are unable or no longer want to assist this person as difficult as it may be, it's time to have a frank discussion before resentment on your part develops. Has she belonged to a church? Maybe they could get involved or if you're involved with a church maybe you can ask if they know any services that can be of assistance.
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I posted that OP followed up on another post. She is no longer helping neighbor.
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Llamalover47 Dec 2019
JoAnn: Thank you for that update.
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I think you have gone far and above what most people would do. There is no simple way to end this except tell her in no uncertain terms - NO. Do simple things OCCASIONALLY and get her to get in touch with the agencies who can help people like her. It will only get worse for you and it will destroy you and you are not responsible. Tell her someone MUST step in and try to find someone who could do that - but it is NOT you. Be firm, and be tough but look out for yourself. Call your local office on Aging and Adult Protective Services. They may be able to step in - but you start stopping doing all that you do before it is too late for you.
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