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Hi, I put all my info about the situation in my profile.
Long story short, Susan my neighbor is disabled and should ideally be
in an ALF. She outlived her spouse and subsequent partner, which is how I met her. Her only family are two much older siblings who live several hours away and she insists they would put her in a nursing home. I met them once, almost two years ago and pulled the brother aside asking him to step in and help. He agreed she is vulnerable, but nothing came of it.


I took Susan to our local Texas state elderly care services office and she sat down with a counselor who told her she being on Medicare and her income being $ 2,900 a month, she does not qualify for any state assistance. She would have to pay for home care service out of pocket. She is only eligible for nursing home placement. Susan owns her own small home outright, the counselor advised her to avoid the nursing home route as she seems okay to live at home for now. I got Susan on Life Alert because she uses a walker and falls sometimes. I cleaned her house of tons of junk and cleared it up for safety purposes. The doctor advised Susan to give up driving due to all the medication she takes. Susan has a housekeeper that comes in once a month to deep clean and someone else to do yard work.


Susan asked me to help her out in exchange for $250. I take her to Walmart once a month, prescriptions twice a month, dinner three times a week, scheduled doctor appointments which vary and any errands she needs, all using her car and I carry her credit card with me. I also collect her mail and take out her trash. The toughest for me are the dinners, she is a very picky eater and refuses to get Meals on Wheels. I only cook for her occasionally because she does not like the same kind of food as me and it is just too much work. She likes a particular flavored water that I have to go out and hunt down because it is not always stocked at Walmart. She insists the dinner be served hot between 5 and 6 pm. This led to me getting hit in her car from behind in traffic after a few months. The accident report, reporting to her insurance company, etc. I just blew up this summer and yelled that I can't be her damn Fairy Godmother all the time. I said it was too much, and she said she would pay me $ 500 so I stayed on.


I told her that I am having financial issues and that I need to get a full time job and that maybe a room mate would help. She asked me to find her a room mate, I placed an ad on Craigslist and have referred two women to call her, not sure how that will turn out. She called a church and now I have to take her to that church on Monday at 2 pm to interview a possible person to replace me. THEN Susan called me back and said I have to take her the next day, Tuesday to the hospital for a procedure. I blew up, frustrated mad because I need to work for myself to get money to pay my own bills. I do not make anywhere near what Sue makes and I have a mortgage. My own financial situation is dwindling and I am scared. I have no idea if she will find a replacement but I hope she does. She chronically complains she has no money, I have no idea what she spends it on. She refuses to ask a banker to sit down and help her with her checkbook. She would gladly keep the money she pays me if I didn't need it so much.

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I think you have gone far and above what most people would do. There is no simple way to end this except tell her in no uncertain terms - NO. Do simple things OCCASIONALLY and get her to get in touch with the agencies who can help people like her. It will only get worse for you and it will destroy you and you are not responsible. Tell her someone MUST step in and try to find someone who could do that - but it is NOT you. Be firm, and be tough but look out for yourself. Call your local office on Aging and Adult Protective Services. They may be able to step in - but you start stopping doing all that you do before it is too late for you.
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I posted that OP followed up on another post. She is no longer helping neighbor.
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Llamalover47 Dec 2019
JoAnn: Thank you for that update.
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Does Texas aging services have a senior transportation service that she can access? Can the flavored water be ordered online? How about having her order her groceries online and have them delivered? How about using a mail order pharmacy or a pharmacy that has delivery? In my area, the Y offers a senior shared housing program. An able bodied adult is partnered with a senior who provides housing in exchange for help around the home. My Area Agency on Aging has a caregivers registry which lists people you can hire to perform different services. If you are unable or no longer want to assist this person as difficult as it may be, it's time to have a frank discussion before resentment on your part develops. Has she belonged to a church? Maybe they could get involved or if you're involved with a church maybe you can ask if they know any services that can be of assistance.
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I think many of us have fallen into this black hole at one time or another. Some of us with relatives, others with neighbors. It starts out with "Can you give me a ride to the grocery store?" Then, in a matter of weeks or months, you wake up and realize you are doing something for this person every day. And it is something that requires HOURS of your day. Every. Single. Day.

It takes a village (or one village idiot) to help an elderly person live "independently." Don't become the "village idiot" or your life will not be your own.

It is SAD and we often feel like crap for feeling angry and resentful toward a vulnerable elderly person. But they quickly become demanding and seem to think they own us and our time. Susan probably believes she is paying you a FORTUNE to do these "small tasks" for her, which are not small at all.

You MUST pay back that CC money you owe her. Hope you paid it with a check and keep a paper trail. It is also very strange about her missing settlement money from her employer and her monthly money running out. Do you ever see anyone else coming or going? Does she leave her house with anyone else? Makes me wonder if a family member has access to her checking account.

Is she able to use a microwave? Do they have the food delivery services where you are, such as Uber Eats, Door Dash, etc? Is she able to use a smart phone and an app? She needs to avail herself of the technology that is out there and stop enslaving others.
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While it would be kind of you to offer your services to the neighbor, you are not the one responsible.
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What happens is one spends down until you have nothing left and then Medicare/Medicaid kicks in and you go to the county facility in town-- and yeah, sometimes it is not a rose garden-- far from it as opposed to the places where those who have pensions and plenty of social security are the only ones accepted -- a la no Medicare patients accepted-- of course maybe texas is not as hospitable as where I am in a liberal town in southern Indiana...------ go talk to other agencies -- call 211--- talk to the Alzheimer's Association people and ask who can help-- there are-- sources of volunteers ! But it it really sounds like she should sell her home and get all God has for her.
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DugganB Dec 2019
Oh I forgot-- call a Place for Mom ! We found a great independent living facility that was right next to a assisted living when she finally needed it.
The independent is run by Holidaytouch.com, nationwide--- check them out.
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Sharibari,
Reading on a new thread, you have succeeded in ending things with your neighbor! That was a fast "recovery". Good for you!

If ever you find yourself doing something you don't want to do and getting angry, just check back in here and someone can set you back on the straight and narrow.

You are still a kind and caring person even if you have backed off from this particular neighbor. You can still love your neighbor from a distance.

When you do receive that urgent call from her, (bound to happen), have a plan...."I cannot possibly do that", and check in with your new AC friends.
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RedVanAnnie Dec 2019
Thanks for he forward. I'm delighted the forum has helped Shari take steps to extricate herself from being taken advantage of. It is really wonderful that so many people here have experience and offer input on solving some of our caregiving and eldercare problems.
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The needs will only increase!
Get. Out. Now!
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I used Oasis Senior Advisors to find my mother a group home. It is an actual house that is staffed 24/7 with a CNA and is owned by a registered nurse. They prepare all the meals, do laundry, assist with bathing, dressing, etc., and administer medications. Try checking your area for this type of ALF. I was able to negotiate the price down to $2,000/month but she shares a very spacious bedroom with another female. There are 4 females and 2 males at the home. It is very "homey" and this took the burden off me of being her only companion and caregiver. I would recommend this setting to anyone who is not ready for a nursing home but still needs assistance and monitoring.

I agree with alot of the other answers. You are being manipulated and being taken advantage of. Do yourself a favor, check with Oasis, A Place for Mom, or some other agency to help you find group homes. they are less expensive than the traditional ALFs and more cozy with 24 hr supervision.
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RedVanAnnie Dec 2019
Where can I find Shari's update? I don't know how to find Discussions when that's not one of the options on the thread that opens. I'd love to know how she is working out this problem.
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I agree with elainesc. She spoke about the legal issues of what you are doing and i would heed her advice. Very sound and is what i would recommend. Take care of you because when you reach the age where you can't help yourself what will you do for finances and caregiving? I'm in similar boat and have no money saved. I get SS but it isn't enough to cover everything. I'll need to work once again but know my health will put limitations on what i can do. Good luck!
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#1. I would copy what you have written in here on this site and send it to her family members.
#2. Find yourself a fulltime job and notify the county social services office and church folks that you have written to her family and you cannot handle this anymore because you need to work fulltime.
#3. Pay back any money you owe her for the credit card purchases and get a receipt.
#4. Just know that this is going to get worse & worse. When it does, her family will not thank you, but instead, think the worst. That is very common so they will look to see about money she has given you. This is a train going nowhere and headed for disaster. Pay her what you owe her and remove yourself from the whole situation. Just be sure everybody is notified first.
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Shari--

You are an angel on earth--and you're being horribly used!

This woman has found in you a cheap go-fer. And you have slowly become her crutch.

All the things you did for her--very, very kind--but running around looking for the special drink--that is just too, too much. You MUST pull back, and find a job that doesn't wear you to a sad nub while you're at it.

You know why I know this? because I did the exact same thing for a woman in my neighborhood. She seemed so completely and utterly lost--her home was in foreclosure, she had just had her 3 (terribly behaved) grandchildren dumped on her with zero support paid by her son for them and she would just sit in her filthy house watching TV all day, everyday, sunk in a depression.

I went to visit her one day (I really did not know her well) and her sob story got to me. I spent 5 months cleaning, buying groceries, tending and finally encouraging her in her desire (well, need) to move to a smaller home and get the kids adopted out. (She's 70 and too old to be raising a 7, 11 and 13 yo!!)

She rented pods to move all her stuff into. I was there every single day for up to 12 hours. I paid for the pods to be stored. Got right up to the wall about moving--and her son showed up and said he didn't want her to move--he stayed 3 days and then hasn't been back in over a year. She has no idea where he is.

So, her house is empty. The pods are costing ME $800 a month and she has nowhere to go. Back to sitting all day long in the ONE chair that's in the house and watching TV. Begging me to come help her move BACK into the house.

Not only did I NOT move her back into the house, I refused flat out to do anything to help her stay in a house that is always in pre-foreclosure AND I froze the CC's and wouldn't pay for storage. (I did get reimbursed by our church, eventually for the $4K that I spent on the storage, but I was still out about $1500 for 'sundries'.)

She's in a bad situation, but it's of her own making. She has worn out every single neighbor and friend. I am not alone in this. I had a 'come to Jesus' with her about a year ago and haven't had any real contact with her since. I told her she was literally killing me--and my hubby wasn't even speaking to me over this. She was FURIOUS.

With people who are used to using and being bailed out of bad decisions, there is never enough you can do for them. I learned that the hard way. The ONLY way to get away from being involved with her was to cut her off, almost completely. I had to be harsh with her and that is NOT my usual dynamic. I LOVE to help people and be there for friends. But not for extended periods of time and not for no pay or lousy pay, in your situation.

Walk away. She knows she's got her hooks in you, believe me. She's done this before and she'll do it again.

I know you live in kind of tight quarters and you'll still see her. Pat yourself on the back for the good you did and then turn a blind eye to her.

You are young enough that a PT job will be something to look

BUT--this isn't friendship, this is abuse.

It's been a year since I helped this woman. It made me question my ability to read cues and keep boundaries. I've had a really bad year, recovering from her.

Good Luck. Be tough. I know it's hard.
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This made my blood run cold. I had not gone to a doctor in seven years because I was constantly taking my 90 year old mother to her doctor appointments. She had her own pension and my dad's pension, a huge house AND a son who she put in charge of all of her money. Guess who never showed up to do anything for her? I told her after four years I was almost destitute because I couldn't run my business. She didn't care. She called me literally 10 times a day to come over and do stuff for her, take her to the doctor, the store, whatever. When I say I almost died I was so run down physically and emotionally, I mean it literally. When she died last year I found out she had let my brother mortgage her house for over $200K and use her credit cards for hundreds of thousands more. He fought me in court over my inheritance and won. Her house, which she left to me, was torn down two months ago, and I have nothing but illness, no savings, and a failing business. My daughters are now adults and I missed a lot of their lives taking care of my mom, who was a horrible, controlling, selfish person. I would honestly move away rather than stay in the situation you are in. This is not charity! This is narcissism!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Yep! I hear you. My situation was a nightmare too! Not worth it!
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As they say, "it takes a village." You can't and shouldn't take on your neighbor's care to this extent. Many more people (church outreach, philanthropic groups, etc) must be called in. And if you keep on in any capacity, you must have a written contract and all necessary legal documents completed.

I am concerned that some readers here misunderstood and thought that you were using your neighbor's credit card for your own purchases. You aren't. But if they misunderstood, then your neighbor's siblings might also. People can turn into monsters when there is money and estates involved. People who show no interest or concern for the family member, suddenly show up with demands. You needs to make sure that an elder attorney writes everything up legally and that you keep copies of all receipts.

I do feel for those in the gap, who can't afford assisted living and can't pay out of pocket for the care they need. But if you aren't careful, you could find yourself in the same bind. Please take care of your own needs first. Get that full-time job, and make it clear to your neighbor that she needs to check with you on availability. Your pay of $250 a month is not okay. Home health agencies charge $25/hour or more with a two-hour minimum. $500 is better, but not if it prevents you from working another job. You need to clearly delineate your availability and boundaries. If she can't observe those rules, then you need to stop entirely.
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elaineSC Dec 2019
Lynina2, this was a very good comment and 100% spot on.
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If you want to continue to help Susan at all, you need to set limits on when you are available and with which chores you will help. For anything else, she will have to pay a home health care aide. Senior services and sometimes church volunteers might help arrange transportation to doctors.

Have Susan call Senior Services Organization(s) for references about medical transportation, Have her find a Home Health Care Agency for hiring a part time helper. If she schedules appointments and errands with part time hired help in mind, $500/month might cover most of that. She will have to schedule things, like the church interview, within the limits of when she has a helper. She is probably used to calling on you whenever something comes up, but you are not longer available on call.

Accommodating her picky eating might require that Susan pays for prepared food delivery--things catered to order, not Meals on Wheels. She will say that's too expensive, but she's the one being picky. She'll either have to pay or cook it herself. Groceries can be delivered. (Yep. More money, Susan, but that's the way it is.)
Susan may complain that these arrangements will cost more than the $500 month she pays you, but that is not your problem.
You need to reserve most of your week to finding a better paying job.
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I think you already know the answer, but need people to verify that it's okay. It's okay to say "no!" Circumstances change and your willingness and ability to help are allowed to change, too. Decide what you are truly willing and able to continue to do (if anything) WITHOUT feeling burdened. Write them down so both you and her family can visualize. Set a deadline for when this new guideline will begin. And stick to it! You're going to have to be strong and consistent. Do it while you can still be kind about it rather than at the end of your rope and "blowing up." It's okay. And the right thing to do. Best of luck. Be strong.
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This is her family’s problem not yours, call them tell them to get their act together and you are out!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Even if family won’t help. Her neighbor can speak to her doctor or a social worker to decide the next step.
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Please call a home health care agency with her. She needs more care than you are able to provide. The agency can provide home health care aides that can do all the tasks you described. You can then go back to being a friendly neighbor.
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Diane610 Dec 2019
Spot on! My mom has been on home health care for years. Fully paid for by Medicare, except the small co-pay for the monthly home doctor visit. Even though she is in a group home, it is still covered.
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Move! Get out of that neighborhood!
It would be great if you could escape.
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NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2019
Moving costs money.
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You have a kind caring heart but you need to take care of yourself before you can help another. She has grown dependent on you because she trusts you. But she is taking advantage and will continue. Put your foot down give her a specific resignation date. She needs to find a companion maybe look at Care.com or Google a elderly companion company in your area. She may not qualify for benefits at this point but if she spends down her money with caregiver services she may qualify later.
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You are much too much enmeshed in this neighbor's life. You are enabling her and she treats you poorly because you let her.

Stand up for yourself. In my opinion you have two choices: either write up a contract with her and learn the word "No", or quit and stop answering her phone calls.

You have your own financial issues. Get yourself a roommate to share expenses.
You do not have the time, energy or resources to waste on solving this woman's problems.

Work on your resume and go to a temp agency. You can earn $500 working as a temp until you find a full-time job. An employment agency may even help you with your resume to highlight your hard skills that they know are in demand.

Go to the library and check out the resources available to you. Make a plan for yourself. Letting this neighbor take advantage of you for $500 a month while you are on the verge of financial ruin is not a plan.
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You have received a lot of good advice here. My concern is the Credit Card usage -- you need to get that paid back pronto, and NEVER EVER do that again. You have not disclosed the amount, but I suspect it's more than just a little. When the siblings do step into the picture - you can bet they are going to view this "borrowing" as theft or Elder Abuse, and they will be after you!

In your background, you mention that she received a large payout a few years back, and had no recollection of it. It is entirely possible, that when her siblings question her . . . .she will not recall "Giving you permission" to use the card! What a pickle you will be in there! As another poster mentioned - make it your number one priority to pay that back, use checks and make copies so that you have a perfect record of it - you are going to need it.
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Jkrystal5 Dec 2019
From my understanding I don't think she meant she was using credit card for her self. She uses the credit card for Susan's groceries medication fuel etc. I do the same for my inlaws needs. But she definitely needs to keep receipts
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Sit down with her with a Caregiver Contract.
Spelling out what you will do, when and for how much. Any hours worked past what is spelled out would be overtime pay.
Figure at least minimum wage, or what you could get paid doing what you have done in the past.
She also needs to properly report the income, take taxes and all the rest of the legal stuff this is so this job will be reflected in your Social Security quarters.
It might be possible that when she realizes how much she will be paying you she might decide to hire someone else.
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rovana Dec 2019
Good point.  Be sure you are an employee and Susan is paying all required taxes (Social Security) for you to get your quarters.  I suspect that she will decide otherwise when she has to pay the proper cost.
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I would sit down with her and tell her exactly what you told us.

You can decide the amount of money it's worth to you and if an arrangement can be made. Good.

Her best bet would be to hire a Live In and if she goes on Care.com could find one for $500 a month.

She would furnish them a bedroom, bathroom and furnish their food.
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Grandma1954 Dec 2019
I would love to know who would work as a live in for $500 a month.( And I don't think those wages would be legal. )
And if there were I don't know that I would trust them.
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Check out ChefsforSeniors for cooking and meal preparation. They charge a reasonable fee and can tailor menus. They also come into the home for the preparation so they add some socializing to the mix. There are many options out there for Susan -- not so many for you if you fall into debt!
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ShariBari,

I am so sorry you are going through this, all from a loving and giving spirit of service to help a neighbor in need.

You have indeed gone well above and beyond to try and help her, but you are now in danger of putting yourself in marital, legal, and financial jeopardy as a result. One person cannot and should not try help her alone. As someone mentioned above, it takes a team and it takes money to do so.

Many here have discussed the need to distance yourself from her and regain your own life. The best way to deal with a situation like this is to pray for strength to be bold and courageous with your neighbor and set your own clear boundaries with her, as a few people above have mentioned. You can still help, if you decide, but in much more limited ways.

A great resource to help in learning how to take back control of your life, set boundaries with others, and regain yourself esteem is the best seller book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend.

You can Search Google to find many of their podcasts and videos, as well. They have an inexpensive paperback version as well as a workbook that is helpful.

Amazon Link (not an affiliate link):

Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Sr57DbVXFMG0B

I pray you will find this helpful and are able to regain your own life in the process.
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Can you arrange to put her on the pill pack system? They will mail out her medications to her. I would be cautious about advertising on Craigs list for help..Lots of scammers and scary people on there, JMO. Does the church have a program that helps people get to and from their doctor's appointments, etc.?

It does sound like you are burned out and I would recommend getting out of that relationship. That kind of dependence that can kill your relationship as neighbors. I wish you the best of luck.
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Gm you need to call you state local Department of Aging and see how your friend can be assigned a Case worker and they can take over and assist her. Or you will have to be her guardian or POA to take on financial responsibilities. Their is not much you can do but be her friend and help her around you schedule, you have to be honest with her and explain its starting to effect your personal life.
Good Luck!
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Pay back that money now! And keep proof of it forever. This is so when you set your boundaries she or whoever will be caring for her next can’t claim elder financial abuse.

I am considering retirement myself & thought I would volunteer & fill in my time helping older elderly in my town with errands. Well, your post has show me how this can mushroom into total reliance.
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