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My Mom is 91 years old and a resident in a nursing home. She lives in NJ and I live in FL. I have no family in NJ who can look in on my Mom nor keep me up to date with my Mom’s care. I stay in the loop via phone calls I make to the nursing home. I stay in touch with the nurses, the social worker and the physical therapist. I FaceTime with my Mom on a weekly basis. She’s now beginning to have panic attacks because she’s bedridden and her doctor prescribed her Xanax. So now, as of today I ask the young lady who does the FaceTime calls if she thought my Mom needed anything of the clothing nature. Since I live in another state I send my Mom what ever she needs via Amazon. The young girl told me that my Mom needs clothes. She said my Mom only had 2 pair of pajamas in her closet. I asked her if maybe house keeping had my Mom’s clothing and were washing them. She said no that she had checked with them and had nothing belonging to my Mom. Mind you I have my Mom’s name written with permanent marker on all the labels of her clothing. So is it the facility is not returning her clothes? This may sound like a minor issue however being the only one seeing to my Mom’s needs outside of medical care this is an issue. So I’m sending my Mom what ever she needs and the facility is not seeing she gets these articles of clothing? Can anyone shed light on this situation for me please? I don’t want to get this young girl in trouble for telling the truth. This is a delicate situation as this young girl has been a God send and has helped me (as an employee) with certain issues I’ve had with the nursing home. My Mom’s healthcare has been very good since she’s been a resident (it will be a year next month) however I’ve had to deal with certain issues that shouldn't have been or expected from a healthcare facility. Nothing really bad I have to say but again not issues you’d have to deal with from a nursing home. I’d really appreciate any advice or help anyone can offer me.

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When I was a CNA we would let family members know that an article of clothing was ruined because of food stain, no longer fits etc. Try talking to the laundry department and see what steps can be taken to assure your moms clothes get to her. When my mom was in SNF I left the bag of clothes with the reception desk and had to fill out form for them to put her name on the clothes, socks included.

A little story..
I was visiting my mom and the laundry came on the floor and the laundry lady brought my moms clothes in, and I saw a woman look at the laundry clothes rack, and took a shirt off the rack, kinda like she was shopping. Laundry lady went and got the shirt back.
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I live in SW Jersey. My Mom was in a local NH. Moms home put tags in all of her clothes. Socks and underwear too. They could only remove the tag by reversing the process. At Moms NH, they washed daily. The turn around is 3 days. For your Mom I guess if they change PJs everyday she will need more.

When my Mom went into the Nursing Home I took pictures of all her clothing. I found some of her clothes in her roommates closet. If something was missing, I showed the Laundress a picture of the clothing and it usually showed up in the next day or two.

I would talk to the laundress. Ask if they tag the clothes. Ask the turn over time. Do they wash per person or in bulk. Laundry is a big problem in a NH.
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One thought could be about where to write mother’s name. If it’s on the garment label, it would be easy to cut off. Brand new clothing in the mail could be a temptation to someone! It doesn’t look as nice, but marking on the cloth itself might help.
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Frances73 Mar 2021
You can order printed, iron-on tags to,put in clothing.
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Rose T - Evening Rose T concerning your mothers clothing (missing clothing. )
Yes the young girl might be your delicate angel and it’s nice to know that mother is thriving since she’s been there. Just a couple of questions assuming the nursing home washes her clothes and all clothes are labeled down to the socks , first and last name and room. There’s happens to be is there another person in the facility with the same name as your mothers first and last. Are you sending expensive clothing without the labels on them with her name and room number. They should be resending you a copy of a form of what’s being sent to the facilities for her . Here’s my point in your guidelines and I truly suggest no matter what goes on in the nursing home your best bet is that Social Worker is your best friend make her your best friend anything is on approval call the social worker.
Is there any reason why mother cannot be relocated in your area as the social worker sometimes it’s better to have other closer to you if possible so you can least drop in to three times a week if it’s permissible by the CDC.
So is Mothers only having two garments two sets of garments she’s wearing them all the time to three days in a row and that’s not healthy mother should at least nine outfits including socks and under clothes. 5 pjs .
Here’s my last point of you .
You need to speak to the manager or director of that facility then you need to speak to the social worker that is assigned to mother and take it from there but you’re number one person again I’m gonna say it again can’t stress it any stronger the social worker . Or you can have the facility investigate it by Omdurman Advocates to see what’s going on I hope this will help you .
Signing out Brown, Sugar
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anonymous999770 Mar 2021
Thanks for your input Brownsugar1956. Anything I have sent to my Mom I order from Amazon so I’m conservative when it comes to prices but I buy good quality. I have everything delivered to a family friend’s house. She opens up the packages, inspects everything then writes my Mom’s name on it. Then she does me the huge favor of dropping everything off at the NH for my Mom. I requested the nursing home to do all of my Mom’s laundry as far as her personal belongings and there is a small charge added to her monthly fees. There are no other residents in the nursing home that go by the same name as my Mom so there is no confusion in possibly giving her laundered clothing to anyone else. As far as getting the social worker involved that’s a touchy subject. The social worker for the NH has been less then reliable on many occasions and I’ve had to delicately put her in her place. She’s lied to me several times only to be caught in her lies because I proved her lies. I’ve had to involve my Mom’s doctor on 2 occasions as the social worker lied about certain situations regarding my Mom. So saying becoming good friends or relying on the social worker is not really in my Mom’s best interests. Again my Mom’s care had been very good and above everything else that’s what is most important. The mechanics of what goes on is what shouldn’t happen in a place that is meant to care for the elderly who are unable. Unfortunately I live in another state and transferring my Mom here was never on the agenda. My Mom never EVER wanted to move to Florida even when I had a room and her own bathroom for her here in my house. She loathes the warm weather and told me she would never move from NY to Florida. She is pretty stubborn and even when her health was good she refused to even entertain the thought of leaving NY and move here to Florida. So here I am making sure she is taken care of in her twilight years and my heart breaking because she’s so far away. I only want the best for my Mom and the issue of lost clothing seems petty however, I want my Mom to at least feel good in her own clothing and not always in a hospital gown. She gets depressed.
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I sincerely appreciate your input and advice. Please read my response to Brownsugar and maybe this will give you a better understanding of my situation. Again thank you all. I’m learning all of this as I go. I’ve never had to do this before and so I welcome any advice I can get.
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Reading your question made me laugh. My dad has been in ALMC for the past 2+ years. With COVID I have not been able to visit him thus video conference once a week was the solution. The point being every time I see him he is wearing shirts which I know are not his. I live close enough that I can drop new clothing when needed and I make certain that if my siblings send him clothing gifts they are marked with my dad’s name. Regardless of the effort and diligence I found out that he has in his laundry basket underwear which are not his and clothing which are not his, about 50/50.

Speaking with families with LO at this community and other communities found that they were encountering the same situation. My solution was to not purchase expensive clothing and accept that LO in AL have community wear. 😊

In caring for my dad and his health issues I need to pick my battles and clothing is at the bottom of the concern list for me.
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Frances73 Mar 2021
Yes, my elderly, very conservative aunt, wound up with a pair of leopard print leggings in her drawer!
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Do you have, or could you draw up, a reasonably accurate inventory of your mother's clothing?

Your mother pays a fee to the NH to have her laundry done. It is absolutely not unreasonable for her to expect to have her clothes returned to her clean, in good condition, and more or less all of them. The odd sock or undervest going missing is one thing, but (assuming she had plenty in the first place) whole empty drawers are getting ridiculous.

So, armed with your inventory, call a higher-up at the NH, explain that you want to take stock of your mother's clothes before you order her next supplies, and ask them to account for what she now has.

It is difficult to manage a nursing home's laundry - very high turnover of work, very high volumes, all kinds of infection prevention and control issues, low pay, long hours, thankless tasks - you can imagine, of course. But it's not enough to say oh well what do you expect. Ask your mother's NH to do better than that.
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First, discuss this with management so you have a good understanding on how they do each residents laundry.

Mom's AL would do each resident's laundry individually once a week. Unfortunately they would only do 2 loads, one linens, one clothing and would dry everything on high heat! So I had to buy everything a few sizes too large.

Dad was in a different facility where all laundry was dumped together and sorted after. I learned to go to the laundry room and find his clothes, and go through his closet to remove someone else’s.

We learned not to buy nice things because the parents really didn’t care.
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Is it a regular nursing home or mixed with memory care? My mother was only in memory care for a short time, but almost every skincare item disappeared practically the moment she moved in. Her watch travelled too. Even without memory care, I suspect there is occasional "borrowing" in addition to laundry disinterest. Raise a fuss with management, make sure everything is identified, and invest in extra nightwear. She'll need it.
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ive Worked in a couple Community settings now. Laundry and dressing can be problematic for new hires. One issue could be that their closet door is not marked and they have a roommate. If the sizes are similar, it’s a coin toss, especially for third shift that may not have anyone to ask or the time to rummage thru shirt collars on a busy morning. Yes it’s not pretty to ‘draw’ with black marker, but it is practical.
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Pellen66 Mar 2021
Another thing is that people abandon a lot of clothing. Our laundress ‘redistributes’. Some folks really appreciate.
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I have exactly the same problem. And I took the same precautions. My husband was always a very careful, conservative dresser. Only Brooks Brothers suits, shirts, ties. He went into his Alzheimer's facility eight months ago, with five pairs of trousers, yet I recently got a note that he needed more trousers! For god's sake, at home he would not possibly have gone through them. They evidently wash them all the time, "for control of germs," but I am sure it is excessive. He is also wearing other people's clothing often. But he is totally unaware of it, so I have to tell myself that it does not matter.
I too am very happy with his situation in general, so I had to realize that I am powerless. I fear you are too.

here is much that has to be researched and regulated with care for the elderly in this country. Same with internet control.
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My cousin was in a nursing home and he told me people take his things. He got a pair of pj's for Christmas and they disappeared, so he was sleeping in his underpants and T-shirt. This must be a problem in nursing homes. What a sad situation!!
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When my mom was in the NH, her clothes were constantly "lost". I don't believe they are careful as to where the clothes are returned. Of course her name was in them. They just dress them in whatever. Some of the workers also steal what they like. And this was in a "nice" NH, too. After losing some comparatively nicer clothes for her, I bought sets of sweatshirts and pants and did her laundry myself. That solved a lot of it. I bought her some decent slippers and one of the aides there said these are nice, but not my style. If they were, I would take them and gave me a sly look. Couldn't believe it.
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My mom has been in memory care for two years. 1 year lockdown. When I buy her clothes, I mark them with her name and Room# and also lay them on the floor and take a photo of them before I drop them off. When an item goes missing, I have the photo on my phone and a printed on paper copy to explain what’s missing. As for taking laundry home, it becomes unmanageable when you have to deal with both feces and urine on a daily basis.
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alisgrannie Mar 2021
I feel your pain....I do my loved ones laundry and have feces and urine stains on lots of items. My thought is at least I’m hoping it’s my relatives waste not someone else’s and I wash those clothes SEPARATE!!!! I don’t want their items just thrown into laundry there with others clothes that have all this kind of mess on them. I don’t really know if they really get washed properly either and that’s another reason I wash. I’ve thought about taking those clothes to a laundromat or dry cleaning service. The laundromat would be cheaper but the time I have to wait to do laundry at a laundromat is also an issue and too time consuming.At least when I do the laundry, sometimes even after soaking several days...lots of strains won’t come out, I feel better knowing they are sanitary and as clean as possible, washed with detergent and fabric softener and I don’t know if facility even uses anything other than cold water.
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The short time my Husband was in rehab I can not begin to tell you how much "stuff" was lost. Clothing and a blanket that he used. AND I had his name written on the satin binding around the blanket (I wrote it in huge lettering in black permanent marker! (AND I even brought a hamper with his name on it so I would do the wash, easy since I was there every day any way. Often the hamper was empty and I was told that his things had been taken to the laundry)
I hate to say it but there is a good possibility that all the clothes you are sending are probably not making it to mom's dresser or closet. I have a feeling that staff is taking some of the things they want.
And, hate to say it start shopping for mom at resale stores and use one of the flat rate shipping boxes from the US Post Office. (really a pretty good deal, pack as much as you want and the price is the same as long as it fits in the box!)

Also there might be a good possibility that the clothes are misdirected to another room when the laundry is done.
In the rehab where my Husband was there was a room filled with blankets and other articles of clothing that I was told to go through when I was looking for his items.
Also there are other residents that are "shoppers" they will go into someone else's room and take items. In many cases this is not done with a malicious intent but it will happen if the resident has dementia they do not think of it as theft.

Other than shopping resale the only other thing that you can do is chalk this up to part of the life of a resident in Long Term Care and accept that items will go missing.
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Invisible Mar 2021
In defense of the facility, it is easy to accidently leave items in the washer/dryer that then end up in the next resident's laundry, even when each resident's laundry is done individually. That resident might not recognize items NOT belonging to them, so tracking down your missing item can be a difficult thing. First someone needs to know it is missing. Perhaps it was because my father's memory care was small or that we had someone over there nearly every day that few things went missing from his room. He did have a lock on his door and I encouraged him to use it when he left the room. I would not have expected him to receive things delivered to him. I didn't even trust that he would receive mail. They just didn't have enough people available on staff to perform extra individual favors. Keeping him fed, clean, clothed, and healthy were the things they were contracted to do.
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Not to sound negative, but I'm betting clothing is not the only thing missing. My mom's experience in SNF for rehab was about the same or worse. One time they lost her hearing aide. "Oh well, we're not responsible for personal items" was their response. Infuriating. I have friends with same clothing problem, esp specialty items like compression socks. Staff just throws up their hands and says they havd no clue what happens to them. It's a sad (and inexcusable) common occurrence.
You're long distance. They know that. They know you're not present to make them accountable. If it's any comfort, it would still be a problem if Mom was in a facility down the street from you.

As an aside, my Mom never would leave Georgia. She hates Texas. Guess what? We overrode her and moved her here anyway because the doctors said she could no longer live on her own. NH was out of the question for me and my siblings, esp long distance. Can you have a straight talk with your mom and tell her how stressful this situ is for you and this is just not working for her or you?
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Its a difficult situation when you have no one to check in on Mom. My dad lost 2 pair of hearing aides between the hospital and rehab.

If I were you try to shop at Thred.com or Swap.com for second hand things.
Maybe these will reach mom and be less interesting to others.
Will save you a lot if money.
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It is a chronic nightmare shared by many. I think you should speak to a director. The facility should be putting in their versions of labels with her name. When this was happening to my mother in AL I eventually got them to reimburse me for missing items. Of course this required both myself and my mother to remember the item. Covid was the perfect storm for that ending. I was not allowed into the building. Now my mother is in the NH section and I actually think the situation has improved. I have found Walmart to be a decent reasonable source for sleepwear whether it is pajamas or nightgowns. One needs to find it at the beginning of a season for selection in sizes.
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While Dad was in MC he was missing clothes, a watch, sunglasses, etc, I was seeing him multiple times a week. I got frustrated, angry and his clothes would sometimes show up again, but often not, Dad was used to wearing high end things most his life, so buying him regular shirts from Sams club n such bothered him at first, but later he didn’t mind. I took his leather jacket, expensive shirts and pants home and he wore those when we took him out to a celebration or church function. Maddening for sure, but it does happen. Pictures might help, but people feign ignorance. Good luck!
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Pamela60 Mar 2021
Dont send parents in with expensive jewelry. Remove it.
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Just tell your mom that you are sending her new pajamas and you'll face time her when she's wearing them so you can see what they look like on her. Remember to send them certified and Signature Requested so you'll know who signed for them.
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Pamela60 Mar 2021
I think ahead I would cut small hole in bicep area of the clothes. And cut small hole in pants below knew. They probably stop stealing .. If I had to take them to the hospital a special occasion then I would bring the clothes for that day for them to wear so they won’t steal them
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You must make a list of the items ,make a copy give one to the facility and keep the other ,make them verify and sign the list.Put labels in everything.I went through the same thing,it was so bad that the beautiful Calvin Klein suit I bought him to be buried in disappeared,it miraculalously was found in the basement at the last minute.
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This was a problem for me too. Like one of the other responders I decided to pick my battles and this was one I gave up on. I went to Target, found a nice jogging suit type outfit with pants and a top. I bought a set of every color they came in. Mom liked them and it was harder for the NH to lose them. They were fairly easy to identify if they ended up in someone else's room too.
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my2cents Mar 2021
Great idea to find things that look alike and in different colors. Sure makes it easier to spot it if it ends up in the wrong room or being worn by wrong person.
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How about writing their whole name on the front of anything someone might steal, in nice indelible ink. That should discourage the non demented thieves.
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Frebrowser Mar 2021
I was wondering about having the name embroidered on the outer garments or maybe getting an uncommon print, perhaps with a theme. I like the idea of multiples too.

So maybe they could recognize that the tops with an embroidered L and the kitty pajamas are Laverne's.

Or maybe you just designate them as consumables in your mind and send more on a schedule if she can afford it.
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Nothing you can do, even the permanent marker does not help. It's been a problem at every nursing home since the beginning of time. They don't pay attention to that , and just roughly give a certain amount of clothing to male and to female, no regard for what belongs to them or size even unless its too really too small.. Even if you are close and do the laundry your self sometimes when they get changed then will go in the main laundry anyway, and then good bye to that nice sweater. Advice- so don't send expensive clothing..
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If you get her things via Amazon delivered to the NH, how are you getting her name put on the articles of clothing or other belongings? It's probably not being done by anyone. You probably need to ship to yourself, write her name on the things and then reship.

Is it possible to transfer mom to a NH near your house? Anyone in any kind of a facility needs someone to be an advocate for them - checking in on them at random times, checking out the meds being dispensed, checking to see that she is really being taken care of.

Edit: In original post you said you had no family to look in on your mom, but in a response below you said you had a family friend who puts names on the clothes and gets them to the NH for you. Why not offer this person some kind of pay or salary to look in on mom so you really know what's going on with her care. There could be other things - like sitting in wet pants all day, food trays delivered but never eaten, etc - that need to be watched. Or move her closer to you
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Bring your mom down to where you live and place her in facility near you. They lost my mother's clothes too. Here laundry is sent out. Both my parents lost their wedding rings. If you do send clothes then make them inexpensive. Even though they label them I believe some staff do steal nice things.its just my opinion.
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Speak to your mother's case worker at her residence about this. Tell her you've noticed in your FaceTime chats that she's not wearing any of the new clothing you have sent.
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You are in a bad position because of the young girl...God bless her. I have a friend whose husband was in a home in Pa. She said the urine smell was so bad at times she literally took a mop and bucket and Lysol and cleaned his bathroom in front of the front desk personnel. She kept threatening them and said she was going to turn them in to the state. Can you turn them if it is a state agency and not mention your mom? My guess is the Amazon deliveries are making it directly to the workers. Can you get the girls address and have Amazon deliver to her home, then tell her you will pay her to take stuff to your mom. Bet she’d love to get $20. for receiving goods and taking them to mom. These homes make me sick. Chin up and God bless.
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WendyElaine Mar 2021
Sounds like a way to get this girl fired.
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My wife has ben in at least 5 different SNF/Rehabs for about 30 months out of the past 41 months. The last one she was in was for 7 weeks this past summer. She had been in this facility on 3 previous occasions for a minimum of 6 weeks each time. Until the last admission which was under the strictest COVID rules, I was there almost every day.
My goal was not to make any one person my best friend, but to make every employee that I came in contact with my best friend. From the people doing the lawn and gardening work, the man on his hands and knees scrapping whatever off of the floor to the administrator. I let everyone of the employees know that their job was just as important as anyone else's. I made sure that the administrator, and all other management employees know that they were no more important than anyone else.
The gardeners I told that if the grounds didn't look nice there would be less residents to help pay all the bills. Same for the maintenance and floor cleaners. Dirty floor, non working equipment, toilets, sinks, no residents . To the management I told how good the employees were at doing their jobs and how good the facility looked and smelled. The same for laundry and food service and also all the medical staff. I spoke to everyone each time I was in the facility. I would learn about their families and any prayer needs they might have.
Some would not speak back usually for a week or so, but before long, almost everyone would return my greetings. (Even some who knew very little English)
During all my wife's time, she lost one hoodie and many socks. I loose her socks at home!, so that's to be expected.
Now when she has been hospitalized, she has lost 2 smart-phones, One this past week. Most likely got wrapped in with the bed linens and tossed in the bin, Then to the out of state laundry facility where it was probably destroyed in a gigantic commercial washer.
As for the employees at the SNF, not all of them were friendly. There were some who were downright nasty. Several were terminated because of rough treatment of my wife or even personal threats to me!
The CNA's would almost always ask my wife first when she wanted her shower and they would come close to honoring her time request. The food service would make sure that no one took "her place" in the dining hall.
These suggestions are useless to Rosie T., with her mom, and any others who are living either away from their LO or in a state where the facilities are completely closed down. These things work everywhere, the grocery store, the garbagemen(Sanitation workers) doctors' offices. Anywhere you see the same people on a regular basis.
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Invisible Mar 2021
Yes, I believe you have to be there to monitor her care. Or have someone who cares do it. Sometimes you get lucky. Some things you have to let go of.
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You need to start a chain of accountability. It might be more expensive and time consuming. Make sure somebody has to sign for deliveries for your mom. Then, check with the staff daily that those deliveries make it to her room (they need to hold up the garments/items and show that they are in her room via a text or video call). Make sure every item is labelled with her name and your phone number. Keep an itemized list of your mom's belongings. Anything that must be discarded must be photographed and the photo texted to you asking permission to discard the item. Monthly, ask staff to do a video call so they can show you all her belongings - and check it against your list. If an item is missing, tell them they have 1 week to find it and return it to her room (verified via video call or text). If they can not account for the item, ask for them to reimburse you for the item or to deduct the value of the item from her monthly bill. They are responsible for safeguarding belongings of their clients.
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Invisible Mar 2021
Good luck with that.
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