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My mother is 76 yrs old. My father passed from cancer 25 years ago. She remarried once for five years but they divorced. Couldn’t get along. Growing up, my parents were the corporal punishment, very strict, penny pinching type. My mother has had fits of rage and emotional manipulative ways all her life. I have never felt loved and always criticized for every move I have made. My father was the calm, cool, friendly to everyone, loving one. He worked very hard at his job and my mom stayed at home torturing myself and my brother. I couldn’t wait to get away from my mother and married at 19 while in college, went on to be married and divorced 5 times. Long story made short, I excelled at my career, but never at relationships. I gave all of myself to make others happy, then reacted negatively when expectations didn’t meet reality at home. I thought I just had a bad picker, but it was more than that. Anyone that loved me, I desperately clung to them, not even thinking that I had a choice and had worth. My brother has also had problems with her but to me, a daughter’s view, my plight has been worse. RE: my kids are crappy-his son is God given and wonderful, etc.


Fast forward to today, my mom fell twice back in May. The last time broke her ankle, had surgery, rehab, then home. She was and is a total nightmare. Called the rehab nurse the “N” word, complained nonstop, wouldn’t try to be mobile, though she couldn’t put weight on her ankle for six week. She wore diapers so as not to have to get up and use the toilet.


My brother had it out with her during rehab, so did I but I was left totally caregiving her once she came home. She insisted on coming home before she was ready and didn’t care about any arrangements that I had to make. I am 54, disabled, divorced, and live an hour and a half away. I had 7 spine surgeries 8 years ago, still plagued with chronic pain, arthritis, and bad knees and other issues. My brother is 50 and He and my SIL live 5 mins away from mom. My SIL has stuck by brother and not lifted a finger to help. To her case, her father had died 2yrs ago and she had been through the ringer with him being abusive. He was in AL and was 91. Her mother had passed 10 yrs ago quick from cancer. So I don’t blame either one of them.


Since June I have practically lived with mom while traveling back home for my pets and my house overnight here and there. Now, Mom insists that I come back and stay two nights a week. Her ankle is fine. It’s like she is scared to go back to her life and says she is weak and needs help. She refuses to get anyone else to help out even though she can afford any and all she could ever want. She would rather have me to complain to and be crazy with so no one else knows how she really is. She has some beginning signs of dementia but will deny anything is wrong with her mind. While I am there, she watches everything I do, tries to tell me what to do, sideseat drives, and is soooo frustrating to be around. I just don’t like the person she is, have never. I am so tired and so emotionally spent too. I have wished she would pass in her sleep too. I joke about bumping her off (I would never) but it feels good to vent. I took her to her doctor for checkup last week, and she wouldn’t allow me to go back with her, so that I would not mention her mental decline or her anxiety. She says she has no problems as long as everybody leaves her alone. I have heard “honor thy father and mother” so many times, I could puke. She even tried to put my name on one of her insurance policies solely if I would continue to help her. I said no. I would help cause I wanted to help. But to be extorted, no thanks. There’s enough guilt already. She is like a toddler, having crying jags about my brother’s withdrawal from her care. When I am home, I don’t want to do anything and I have sold my house to move 20 mins away from her. Just waiting on buyers to sell their house. I need to be packing. Sigh!

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Why are you catering to an abusive, unloving person like your mother?

Why don't you leave her to her own devices? Let her figure out her situation.

She has no standing, legal or moral to demand that you do anything.

Say "no,mom, I can't possibly do that. You need to hire help".

Can you do that?
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
I am going to say this when she calls next to see what days I am coming back this week. Thank you!
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You need to establish boundaries. If mom can do for herself stop doing what you are doing. Call or send a letter to her doctor telling about decline that you are seeing. Hopefully she has POA's setup. Refuse to take her to the doctor unless, at the very least she signs a HIPPA release, usuAlly availAble in the doc's office.
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Hi. Yes my brother has said the boundary thing to me and that he is waiting for me to admit he is right. She was very sick and unable to do for herself at first. But now, she is good. Her doctor gave her a good report on her meds and bloodwork. She has scoliosis and bad joints too. But I think I can do this. Thank you for taking time to respond.
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Gee Mom, that's unfortunate.
Gee Mom, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Gee Mom, that just doesn't work for me.
Gee Mom, how do YOU plan to handle that situation?
Gee Mom, I'll be moving to EUROPE next month.........

Learn to use the phrases that let you off the hook. The Europe one is just for chits & giggles, unless you want to make it so.
Best of luck!
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CaregiverL Sep 2019
Lea, I always say...I’m going out to do errands & chores....& btw after that...I’m going to the airport...where Im going..I don’t know, but I’m packing my suitcase....🤪🤣🥴
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Not to sound mean or harsh...but run don't walk. Get out of this situation...I mean find the Exit door. This will only get worse! Mom has money, start by hiring a caregiver Asap! You think your mom is mean now--wait because she will be meaner than a snake to you once she gets you pulled in and you have no way out speaking from experience!! I wished someone would have told me that!! Oh by the way, all the childhood demons will come back once your in full blown caregiving mode!( Didn't feel loved by your mom as a child...you definitely won't now...she will make you feel worthless, even more unloved, used, and life isn't worth living--again speaking from experience!! Run for your life!


Just my 2 cents:(
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Hi. Thank you for your response! I value your two cents. Just staying with her even before she fell, in my childhood home has triggered so many things. It’s almost as fresh as if it was yesterday. Her response is “get over it”.
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So you are my age. We know you have a backbone, as you have had multiple spinal surgeries. Now put it to use.

Mum will continue to refuse help from others as you continue to provide it. Stop providing help.

Go home to your house and pets, your job and your life. You do not owe this woman a single thing.

If she calls to complain, block her calls.

Get on with your life, she has lived hers and is now bearing the consequences of her actions.
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
You are so right! Thank you for your reply. It helps so much for others to say that I am okay if I leave her to her life now that she can walk and drive. She has problems, physically and mentally, but I have put in my time.
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Please don't do this to yourself. Clearly your Mom raised you to not believe you are worth the powder to, you know............ You have told us so. I can assure you, she is wrong. Please don't fulfill her expectations by showing her that you agree, that you consider yourself to be of so little worth that you are willing to be her doormat until the day she dies.
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Please don't do this to yourself. Your mother will get care without you. Likely she will have to treat her caregivers with at least some modicum of respect.
I think that, in all truth, your brother and SIL have taken the wisest course of action. It is thankless, any participation in the life of a person such as you describe your mother to be.
You have wonderful advice below. I hope you will take it. I am so sorry for any angst it causes you. Remember, your mother has raised you to question your own worth and your own abilities. So you will suffer. But you will not suffer to the degree you will suffer if you allow her to punish you further. Hugs to you. Please be safe and well.
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Thank you for your kind reply. I know she will get more and more horrible. I will make myself back out of going every week. I get mad at myself for being a caring, loving person in spite of her. I have come to terms with myself and my mistakes and am self aware and responsible for the things I do. She, on the other hand, will not ever be any of those things. Thank you many times over!
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MB; just because your mother couldn't get around and couldn't drive is NO REASON for you to subject yourself to abuse. She can hire help. She isn't helpless and without the ability to make phone calls.

Let her shift for herself. Your brother is right; boundaries! There is a book by that name by Townsend and Cloud. You would benefit from reading it.
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The next time she says something mean to you, head for the door with a wave. When she says "WHERE are you GOING?!" tell her "I'm going to get over it".
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anonymous912123 Sep 2019
That is exactly what I do with my mother, grab my stuff and leave.
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So, MB, not sure why you think that your mentally ill mom would agree to go to therapy.

It's the SANE folks who need to go to therapy to stop the cycle of abuse.

Stop expecting her behavior to change.
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Oh how my heart goes out to you. It really does. No one has the power to convince anyone that doesn’t want to change.

Some people are set in their ways and as they get older it only becomes worse, not better. There is no negotiating. There is no reasoning. Adult children are often trampled on for making suggestions. Children are not failing parents if they don’t do everything a parent desires.

Please know that you are not selfish for not sacrificing your life for hers.

There are many wise people on this forum that are happy to help. Continue to reach out with your concerns.

I was you not long ago. I had tons of questions about my mom. I wanted out desperately. I burned out. I am no longer her caregiver.

It wasn’t a happy ending for me.

I wish you well. Take care.
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
But it was an ENDING, nevertheless. Happy endings aren't always possible, even though it's what we'd like. I'm just glad it's over for you!!
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As I have read many times on this forum..... "No" is a complete sentence!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Exactly!!!!
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O please do not move closer to her!!! Do just like your brother, back away, for your own mental and physical health. Why in gods name would you put yourself in this position??? Let her hire the help she needs, you state she can afford it. I guess i just cant believe you would put yourself in the position to be around her
and be her slave and take her abuse. You deserve so much more. Perhaps see a counselor and get some help in distancing yourself from her. Set healthy boundaries and stand firm on them.
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Hi, I guess I was thinking I would move closer but not too close. I plan to find a house in a development that has a reasonable monthly fee ($50) to get your yard mowed and cared for. For me—close to doctors and hospital—close to more things to do, etc. Where I live now is way out from civilization practically. Lolol. The boonies. Lol. As an afterthought, I could run by and check on mom and then still sleep in my own bed. I would love to see a movie or shop or attend some social events. I would move about 20 minutes away from her house. Maybe it’s not a good idea, but It’s the town I went to growing up plus where I went to college. Everything is somewhat the same and familiar.
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Your last post sounds like you are planning your own funeral, complete with trumpet. Here’s something different to think about trying. You have flu – winter’s coming on and you must have one of the first cases. It’s highly contagious so you can’t come to visit her. It will take three weeks before you are allowed out of the house. Right now you can’t even get out of bed. Give her the phone number of a care agency, and tell her that she will have to organise it herself, you are too ill to cope. If it will help, tell the same story to your brother and SIL, or alternatively tell them it’s not as bad as you are suggesting but swear them to silence. You don’t want them rushing in to help ‘just until you are well again’. All of you need to let Mother take some responsibility for herself. At 76, and with a dominant personality, she will cope OK when push comes to shove. When that is proved, PERHAPS you start again from a different basis. Or perhaps you stay ill!
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
I haven’t answered her phone calls all week. She has left three voicemails. The first two were about informing me about a car wreck in her neighborhood and why her renewed drivers license haven’t come in the mail yet. Then the third was yesterday evening—she says “Answer the damn phone!!! I am not a dog. I am your mother!!!!” Wow. That response really makes me want to drive an hour and a half to help her out. Geez.

She is like a narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde. You never know which one you will get. But she is always oblivious to anyone’s feelings except her own.
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CTTN55: She called me yesterday and yelled “Answer the phone, damnit! I am not a dog. I am your mother!!!!” I have just been avoiding her altogether. What she said in the voicemail really makes me want to call her back and go stay with her to be her slave for 3 days a week. I just rolled my eyes at her message.
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How are you, MB? Just checking in...
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Hi. I am doing okay I guess. I talked to my brother today and shared this website and my post with him. We went over things and he is going to check in on mom tomorrow. I told him to be prepared for a barrage of fury from her about me. We had some laughs about he might post on here that he has a fruitcake sister that is going senile and he doesn’t know what to do with me. As a joke. He should have been a comedian, for real.

How are you doing? Have you heard back from your brother about how it’s going with your mom? From the way it sounded, he didn’t seem like he would last very long once he actually had her. Sometimes people surprise you. Your mom might be the perfect visitor for while.

Hugs, mbradley35
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Hi, M! I re-read through your posts this morning, and came again to your answer of 24th. It sounds as if there is quite a lot in it for you to move to your old home and college town. Twenty three acres to look after at your present home, and nothing happening in tiny town, is not a great proposition. One serious result is that you don’t have a lot to think about except your problems with your mother. Perhaps you should separate the two issues – the move doesn’t need to mean that you see more of your mother. Move could be good, so long as it’s for your benefit and doesn’t make you more vulnerable to your demanding mother. Your brother lives closer physically, but has moved further away in terms of contact. Perhaps you could talk it through with him and SIL about how to make it work.
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mbradley35 Sep 2019
Hello. Thanks for replying. Yes, I think you are right. Separate moving from my mom. I am moving for me only to get closer to civilization. Haha. I want to set myself up for the future of myself being elderly one day. Being close to good doctors and hospitals, shopping, and all kinds of social activities. I need to make new friends and get out there. Just to go see a movie, even by myself, would be so nice and relaxing. I love movie theaters for some reason. About 45 mins away from where I am moving to, there are two imax theaters. Those are awesome!

News flash!!! My SIL knew I hadn’t been to moms last week while they were out of town. Today, she tells me that she took Mom grocery shopping and over to my nephews place yesterday. Just out of the blue. It’s weird. The whole time, I was working my fanny off over there, practically living with mom, they wouldn’t come around. Now that I have went AWOL, they are over there doing stuff. I am so happy for my freedom but don’t understand it. Oh well, I will let them have fun with her for awhile. She mostly acts pretty good with them when they are helping her. She doesn’t complain as much. But when they were not helping, she chewed them out every time they called. Lolol. She is so weird! I guess they extended their boundaries to include spending time over there again. Hahaha.
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I would never move closer to mom. Two years ago I joined this forum to find answers about my mother’s depression. Two years later she is still grieving the loss of her independence and she’s 96 years old. She is absolutely miserable in her “prison”. Nothing wrong with her-no high blood pressure, no diabetes. Blood tests are pefect, but she has a bad hip she takes tylenol and ibuprofen for. If your mom is 76, could you really stand 20 more years of this? Her opinion of you will never get better. My mom is always nice to people she isn’t close to. She treats them way better than me. If you’ve found a substitute that’s willing to run your mom around, don’t even think about moving closer. It’s a mental death sentence. Why do we always put her needs/wishes first?? This is what we learned as a child-we never come first.
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Wow, she thinks that she has the right to make you submit to her and her drama because she believes that her age makes her the gueen. She is clueless and boundary-less (?).

You don't have to give her one moment of your time. She has told you where she stands and how she sees you, believe her.

She has the money to hire help so there are no excuses for you to be subjected to her abuse. For her to demand that you can care for her is her narsisistic wish. You are not her fairy godmother, you don't grant wishes. Say no unless you want to help.

I personally don't believe that keeping ourselves safe and away from abusive people is a reflection on our goodness. It shows that we are well balanced and know that we do not ever have to accept abuse from anyone. We can love people and not be subjected to their venom and hateful behavior.

Believe me, when she needs, really needs assistance she will hire someone, but only if you don't let her manipulate you into being her personal scratching post.

(I laughed when I read her message to you. My thought was, well then stop acting like one.)

Hugs! It is such a difficult situation to be in.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2019
True and so on point in this situation!!!
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We have been going thru more drama today. Since my two weeks going AWOL from my moms, my brother and SIL have started doing a few things for her. They maybe have went over there 4 times. My SIL cleaned house for her once and my brother cleaned last week while my SIL took mom to get groceries. Then they have taken her food twice. But today she was in a worse than usual mood. Saying she has been in bed all day with inner ear problems and thrown up several times. But she has denied going to the doctor or ER. She called me and left a tearful message that I needed to call her back right away. I called SIL to see what she had heard today from her first then called my mom. One of the first things she said was that she was sure that I had to SIL to see what was going on first and I said yes I did. That I had been talking to them all during these two weeks that I have stayed away. I told her that I could not do three days a week staying with her. I live an hour and a half away and have tons to do at home. I stayed with her for 4 months now, only going home for a night here and there to check on my house and pets, much less bills and mail and stuff.

She said that that my brother and wife had been talking bad about me the whole time that I have been at home. Which is BS, they say that she has dogged me the whole time. I kept it together and just was honest with her about my lack of willingness to come back and stay again. I asked what she was gonna do, since she was fine at her drs appt 2 weeks ago. She said she didn’t know just lay there and die. I said okay.

My my brother went over to her house later this evening and he said she did look terrible but came out to the kitchen in her wheelchair. She ate a fajita that they brought her (after throwing up all day) and she was just nasty evil to them. Same playbook. When you stump her with something that goes against whatever she is spewing she just changes the subject. She told them that I had blown her out on the phone before they got there and that my brother was blowing her out again. (My warped sense of humor makes me chuckle at this). Anyways, brother said she just complained the whole 20 mins they were there about all three of us and the grandchildren.

I wished I had just called 911 and had them pick her up and check her out anyways. We both hate to cause any undue drama or stress, but we don’t know what else to do. We don’t really want her to be sick or hurt herself. Oh yeah, she said she had fallen in the kitchen last Thursday and my uncle had dropped by with a plate from Senior Citizens. But she says she didn’t hurt herself. We can’t figure out how she fell out of her wheelchair? She is back to using it 100% of the time. Says she gets dizzy walking.

It it seems that we are just waiting on the next thing to happen to her. She is still saying it is our responsibility to take care her now. We keep saying that she needs to hire at home help if she wants to keep staying at home. She has a list on why that won’t work either. As Dr. Phil says “ she has a case of the ‘yeah buts’ “. You can’t fix her or help really.
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She is upping her game. Classic narcissistic behavior.

She is back to using a wheelchair when she has an audience. Don't buy into that lie.

It is great that you are staying in contact with your brother and SIL. This will keep you guys from being mad at one another because of her lies and trouble making efforts. (I wish my brother would see that our dad does this hateful business)

Good for you for saying no. Stick to your guns and tell her that you will be calling 911 when she calls you with issues that require assistance. That should keep her busy figuring out how to get around that for a few days at least.

I have to agree that it is funny how far fetched and low a narc will go to get their own way.

Thanks for the update, well done!
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mbradley35 Oct 2019
Hi Isthisrealyreal, she thinks she is upping her game again today by calling me and telling that If I don’t start doing right, there will be consequences today. Like what? She was so sarcastic and smart as- sounding. I thought, “well she is over being sick now”. She said that her kids talk behind her back and we have secrets. Whatever, Mom. Why would any Mother not want her children to talk and get along? It’s just me and my brother. All of our lives, she has tried to keep us separated by telling one that the other said x, y, or z. My brother said to tell her we talk everyday, so I did this morning. Wow, she really exploded then. She started in that my kids had already abandoned me ( they are 21 and 26 and are in college and working). I told her I don’t berate them and encourage them to talk. That I trust them and they are always happy to see me or talk with me. I don’t expect my kids to take care of my house, yard, repairs, etc. I had them, not the other way around.

I ended up hanging up on her this morning after the 3rd call. I can’t take her nastiness. Her personality has always been pessimistic and controlling. The next chapter in her playbook, will be crying and begging me to come. She says she can’t walk or get around without fear of falling and she can’t drive, but two weeks ago she called me about her online renewal of her driving license hadn’t come in yet and she needed them.

She was tearing into my brother and SIL too even though they had cleaned her house the last 2 weeks and took her food. It’s like we are required to be her servants and she directs you everything to go do while you are there. If we don’t do as she wants, then we go back to being dog mess again.
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Thank you all for responding to my post. It helps very, very much to read that others have or did have the same kind of parent. I really thought she was a unique case and that I was the only adult child of a controlling, manipulative, elderly parent. She told my brother that he wouldn’t be talking to her “that way” if my father was still alive”. Well he isn’t but when he was, he would call her down and once even took me and brother to go bowling to get us away from one of her “Mommy Dearest” moments she had a come apart

This site with all you wonderful people has been a lifesaver to me for my soul to be a little easier. I continue to have loads of anxiety even though I feel validated.

Thanks again.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2019
Come here to vent anytime. There are SO many people on this forum that truly care about others, its truly amazing. And 99.9% of those who post are good positive people who KNOW what they speak of when giving advice. There’s a few who post that are, shall i say, “different” in their so called advice. Take what will work for you. We care....
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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Many, many hugs for you. 💗
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Good for you for moving for YOU, not her. Also colleges offer continued learning for those of us who have a bit more life experience, a great way to interact with others and possibly find a few new friends to go on outings with while keeping your mind engaged.

Your mom sounds like a holy terror. Narcissistic and manipulative to the nth degree. She will continue to pit you guys against each other so she can get her own way. How is she mentally, is she able to care for herself or does she need assistance with her daily living? Next visit for a fall or to the er (which could be sped up if called during one of her poor me, I'm SOO sick, but not really episodes) may be a time to consult with a social worker that mom can not stay home alone and for families peace of mind and wellbeing none of you can give her the care she seems to need. This is very important due to the fact she is a fall risk and you are concerned for her safety. Let mom argue that one. She may not like being placed at first but for your mental wellbeing and your brother's family too, taking hands on care of her is not a good idea. All the extra stress will negatively effect your health. Ulcers, heart issues, depression, headaches, etc. Not fair to you or your family. She's mean enough to outlive all of you. Easy to say wash your hands of her direct care but you, brother and by extension his wife all need to be on the same page and have plans ready to implement. Im not saying not to visit mom or chat but at least if in a facility you can walk away if it gets to be too much and take a cool down period for all of you. I'll be back to visit when you're in a better mood mom, I can tell this is not a good time for you right now. Good luck to you and keep us posted on how things are going.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2019
Such a good answer....
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Thank you, Cherokee and Takin It’s so nice to get responses like yours and really everybody has been too good to me. Thanks!

An update: mom now told my SIL that she has someone staying with her 3 days a week. Plus, she has ordered the push button necklace in case she falls. Those are the good things. Haha. The other stuff she said was all horrible and still trying to piss everyone off by making up crazy stuff to tell one another about each other in the family. That I had made her sign some paper about her accounts that now she wasn’t getting mailed statements. Luckily I had told my brother about this when it happened. She asked me to fill out a form from Fidelity that added myself as a secondary contact and I could check on anything about her IRA. I could not change anything or do anything with the money, which I would never do anyways. I did not even bring home a copy or her account number and I told brother as such. He is a joint owner on her bank accounts and has been a long time. I trust him as well. Mom told SIL in hopes of making them mad at me. Lolol. I told SIL that a copy of what I sent in was at Moms in a plastic tub where she keeps important papers.

The nerve of my own mother. Even though it’s comical now, of course it still bothers me. My insecurity. I am glad that my mom and I aren’t speaking right now. I don’t think my brother and SIL are really communicating. This all took place during a call my SIL made out of guilt just to be sure Mom was doing okay. Like you said, she is mean enough to live past us.

My life has been traumatic and dramatic so much I am just so tired.
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Takincare Oct 2019
She just keeps stirring that pot and continues to search for the secret ingredient that will make all of you fall in line with her plans which includes complete distention and hate for each other. Her next step will be why can't you get along, we're supposed to be family. There is no making her happy ever. Do you think having you sign investment papers was a twofold tactic? Look what I have that you wont get if I cut you off unless you do as you are told. Added benefit to her way of thinking is it gives her another wedge to attempt to drive between you and the rest of your family. Guess she underestimated the amount of honesty and communication between the three of you. Does she really have someone there or is this another fabrication on her part. Easy way to verify is brother can monitor checking account for payment, he's on her account and has every right to do so. Can totally understand why you're so tired, stressed from preparing to sell your home, purchase a new one, move, settle in the new one, plus mom is sucking the life out of you physically and emotionally, making you be on guard or defensive every moment you are in contact with her. Needing to sift thru truth, lies, if she actually has a medical problem or just drama once again. Your body can only tolerate constant fight or flight status for so long before it says enough, I need a break. You take care of you, continue keeping in contact with your brother and his wife, the three of you are your best advocates and defense when taking care of her🧙‍♀️🤣😘
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