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Apologies for the vent! My Grandmother is 89yrs and is getting worse in her behaviour. She has narcissistic traits, an air of self entitlement and has my Dad running round after her like her servant. She lives an hour and a half drive away, refuses to move closer to family or go into a care home. She insulted us when we posed the question, saying “why would I want to live near family, when my friends are here”. They are not really her friends, she has them running round after her whenever she needs something and doesn’t see they are doing her a favour. Where she lives is the ends of the earth and remote and luckily there is the village pub opposite her house where people there will pop to her if she asks. She is rude, self absorbed and she never asks how anyone else is. She thrives off people complimenting her appearance and must ensure she has her hair and nails done, she shows no interest in the rest of us, and will often praise every other stranger except my Dad (her only son alive). My Dad’s brother passed due to Covid at Christmas in 2020, which she seems to have forgotten about, she never speaks of him. Every time she calls my Dad, there is always some ulterior motive, him being too nice and using the excuse of her being old, will never stand up to her. It’s created so much tension at home. One conversation about her pressing the wrong button on a remote control can last half an hour long. This was today’s episode, she switched her tv to radio mode and couldn’t turn it back, even though she has another tv in her kitchen, she doesn’t want to watch that one and wants to watch the one in the lounge. She expects my Dad to drop everything and come running whenever something minor happens, like if she has run out of prawns or ice cream. Her hoover broke down recently and she expected my Dad to sort it immediately, even though she doesn’t hoover herself and has my cousin do her housework, she lives in a small one level apartment, hardly much to hoover and she is almost blind anyway. She gives my Dad £300 to spend on a hoover but £50 for Christmas gift. Not that it is about the money but her principles are all wrong, instead of showing her appreciation for everything he does it is more important she has the hoover. I am growing to resent her more and more as time goes on and it makes me sick to see her subtle manipulation and control over my Dad who himself is now into his sixties and has his own health concerns. He recently had a hernia operation after waiting over a year due to Covid, she called him on the first day, asked him once how he was and then proceeded every other call to talk about herself and what food she was running low on and when would he be getting her shopping. She has an air of entitlement, what she wants she gets. For someone from her generation I am always surprised, considering all of my friends Grandmothers are nothing like her, don’t want want want and actually show an interest in their family. She thinks she is the only person in the pandemic that the rules don’t apply to. She often says “I’ve had my life” implying it doesn’t matter about anyone else who suffers.
She is emotionally and mentally draining, the few examples above are just a fraction of the picture.
Every other day is dominated by whatever has happened to her, what has broken, what she needs fixing. She refused even home help, for someone to just pop in and check on her. Does it get to the point where someone else has to keel over as long as she is kept happy? How do you deal with someone this extreme? She doesn’t even have dementia or similar, which I could probably just about tolerate, but this me me me attitude is getting to the point where I am going to suffer my own sanity. I don’t believe in using her age as an excuse because of so many other people I know that don’t act this way.

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Grandma can be as selfish & self-absorbed as she'd like...........but as long as she's telling your dad to jump & he's asking 'how high?', she's winning this game.

Dad has to stop propping her up and THEN she will agree to accept paid help. Until that happens, she will use him till he's worn out to a frazzle. That seems to be the way it goes for some parent/child relationships we read about around here. Sad but true.

The 'children' have to use a bit of tough love in order for the parent to stop the abusive behavior. Maybe have a chat with dad to see if you can get through to him? Or maybe he doesn't mind jumping through these hoops for his mom, that's a possibility also. If so, just back away then and let him have at it! As long as you are not being expected to do all these things for grandma, then try to let it go, to save your own sanity!

Good luck.
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Thanks everyone for your comments and advice/viewpoints, much appreciated.
I think it definitely is about creating boundaries now as I agree, nothing will change if he continues to pander to her all of the time.
He himself gets frustrated because he’s always just been the good son that wants to keep the peace, but yet he will also get wound up by her ways, but never says anything to her, only to the rest of us at home and then instead of enjoying an evening, the entire conversation is dominated about her and it’s not healthy. She has a very odd relationship, my Dad has a step brother who is currently recovering from cancer, and is put on a pedestal who she often talks of with much more affection than she has ever spoken about my Dad or my Dad’s brother who passed, yet both did/do so much for her, it’s just all very illogical in my mind.
I am all about the tough love angle, and unfortunately in the last few years of her becoming more and more demanding, we have sort of shot ourselves in the feet by allowing it to continue. I am hoping with a different approach we can go into the New Year with less stress all round!
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Beatty Dec 2021
Oh the old 'The Good Son' trick.. a well worn strategy. This gets said, implied or is the undercurrant being used to manipulate sons in many cultures & families.

Every little boy wants to A Good Son for their Mum right? Taught to never say no to Mum, never disobey.

Support Dad to grow past that..

"Yes Dad you ARE allowed to say no".
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Dad can say NO. That is the 1st step. For Dad to realise he can do that.

Sure, she may breathe fire - so he may need to donn a fire-proof suit 😉

But we are not responsible for how others react to our use of the word no.

A Social Worker told me once;
1. Offer choice
2. Let them decide
3. Consequences are theirs

Giving choices can be softer than a NO if Dad prefers too. Eg "I can't come fix your XYZ until Xday. So you can hire someone, wait for me or do without.

He can use that sentence on repeat.

Or if he is really done, simplify to "you can hire or do without".

This gives choices to G'ma. The consequences are hers.

From my own personal experience this really did work.
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I admire your spirit, to want to stand up for what is right, to protect your Dad.

But is Dad's decision, how much he does, how much time he gives.

Is Dad a handy kind of guy?Request comes in, he either jumps to & does it straight away or says yep, I'll do that next visit. No stress. No overthinking. (That's my DH).

If/when the requests get too many, he may just say 'Hey Mum, time you moved'.

Or is he stressed out, rushing back & forth on G'ma's whims, complaining?

If so, he may need some more 'tools' in his toolbox to change the dynamics.

Have you asked Dad about this stuff?
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Some old people turn into naughty toddlers because of life long standing personality disorders plus the deterioration of the brain. In reality, they are mentally impaired people and should be treated as such. That means, avoid trying to change them or even to reason with them. Just set your limits and do not allow them to take over.
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LS how old are you? You write like an adult, but (especially if you were born in 1987) you might be a bit old to be living at home with Dad and the family.

You undoubtedly know that changing other people – Grandma and Dad – is a lot less likely to be successful than changing yourself. Are you being asked to provide any care for her? If so, you can stop. If not, is the problem for your sanity simply watching your Dad jumping? Or what?

Why is ‘every other day dominated by ..her’? If ‘instead of enjoying an evening, the entire conversation is dominated about her’ then this problem is not her, it’s Dad’s choice of topic. Perhaps you can go to another room. Or even leave home?
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
I have to agree, Margaret.

If OP really is 34 years old, she's about 10 years overdue in moving. And that needs to happen so that she can tell dad that nope, she won't ever be in the position that he is with grandma, and any example he has tried to set there has backfired.
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This reminds me a bit of my uncle and his mother (although to be fair, she was a lovely person until the day she died). He and my aunt would alternate with his sister and her husband to fly 2500 miles to their mother's house every six weeks to take care of her household lists and check up on her. It was a big deal and a big sacrifice on their part, but she didn't really pick up on that.

Mind you, my uncle's mom lived to be 101 and lived in her own house the entire time. Once when they were out there doing the chores for her, she wanted my uncle to get up on a ladder and clean out her rain gutters before winter set in. He flat-out refused, and she asked him why.

"BECAUSE I'M EIGHTY YEARS OLD, MOTHER -- THAT'S WHY!"

She backed off.

Sometimes these dears need a little wake-up call. Your dad created this monster, and he's going to have to dismantle it. The rest of you need to back him up. If she's truly not suffering from any dementia, then she can take responsibility for her behavior and stop treating people like doormats. The doormats have to rise up against her, though.
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Until your dad decides to set some much needed boundaries with his mom, things will never change. An adult cannot use or abuse another unless they allow it, so your dad needs to not only set some boundaries, but also needs to learn the word "NO," as that is a complete sentence.
When his mom asks or tells him what she needs done, he needs to be able to tell her no he's not able to do that for her, or no he can't do it right now, but when he has time he will see if he can fit it in his schedule.
Hopefully, eventually she will learn that not everyone is at her beck and call, and isn't willing to drop everything when she barks out her demands.
And if not, then you all may just have to keep your distance from her, as life is just to short to spend time with negative and demanding people, family or not.
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