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My longtime BF lives with his 87 year old mother. She's becoming too dependent on him and refuses to ask anyone else for help. He moved in 5 yrs ago after his father died. He gets absolutely no help from siblings at all and won't ask anymore because of the grief they give him (you live there scenario). He is fortunate enough to work from home. We live an hour apart. I have good-paying job that I love and house I own. For the most part it's good....we USUALLY see each other once during week and every weekend. However, mom is getting more dependent on her son and doesn't like him to leave as she gets lonely. I know he feels that he is getting pulled in both directions. I always tell him he will have no regrets and I'll never make him chose....however, she makes him feel guilty when he wants to come see me (i.e.....I'm going to eat supper alone - when will you be back?).

I love his mom very much and we get a long great. She's had a couple strokes and heart problems and is very unstable on her feet. She needs to be checked on here and there. She still drives and cooks, etc. Mother wants son to be with her day in and day out - kinda replacing her husband. I'm getting frustrated and lonely. My BF knows that he's given up his life for his mother. Isn't that selfish of mother?? Some say she's not thinking right because of her strokes, however, I think she likes having her son home with her since her husband died.

I know the saying.....notice how a man treats his mom and he'll treat you the same way. But I'm afraid I can't deal with this situation much longer. His biggest mistake was not setting boundaries but now over 5 years into it, what do we do?

Please help.

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i respectfully dont agree with many of you . if a woman lives with her mother and cares for her at end of life shes an angel and a hero -- a son , a mommas boy . ive lived this crap . cuz just got another visit from the same aps ladies i dealt with . they thought old beard clip hung out with momma and inherited her house . theyre f - ing stupid . i went home in a matter of hours after mom died just like i told her attorney i would do 7 years ago .
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Kandy, you wrote the exact opposite scenario in answer to a question in April of 2013.

Here's what you wrote, "Here's another scenario.....how do you handle possibly losing your significant other because mom is lonely and wants you to spend every night at home with her? Dad died 5 years ago and I moved in to help my 87 year old mom whom has had a couple strokes. I feel that I'm replacing my dad. My mom and long-time girlfriend get along great - but girlfriend gets lonely too and wants me to spend time alone with her as well. I feel pulled in both directions. My siblings don't help. I've given up my life for my mother and am tired of having to answer every move I make and every phone call I receive. "

So are you the girlfriend or the guy? Or are you a troll?

And you wrote the exact same question that you started this thread for (almost word for word - cut and paste?) a year ago. So you've written twice as the girlfriend and once as the boyfriend. What's going on????? Who are you?
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The handwriting is ready on tbe wall. You just do not want to accept what you have read. You.are not going to cbange your boyfriend. He has already chosen how he wants to lead his life before you came on the scene. Either you accept what he has to offer you in a relationship with him or you move on. His mother's needs will always come first. So why are you investing time and energy in a relationship that is not meeting your needs. Stop being the source of your own problem.
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His mother is just using him as a substitute for her dead husband no longer being around and your BF, out of a sense of fear and obligation I guess, has bought right into it. I think you two need to have a heart to heart talk about your future because right now it does not sound like you have much of a present much less a future. He can start setting boundaries now. It will not be easy, but he can do it. I wish you the best.
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This has a familiar ring to it ... same troll, new name :(
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if i met a woman right now she would have to deal with my watching after my aunt . id help her if the roles were reversed .
theres more to life than a third mortgage and an ocean cruise . ( imo )
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Ashlynn and Blannie, good call.

Here's the link to the post Kandy1234 posted in April of 2013, as a woman:

"How do I handle mother/son caregiving relationship?", at

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-son-caregiving-relationship-157046.htm

If this was a legitimate post last year, it seems as though the same problems exists and Kandy is still asking the same question.

Perhaps Kandy can just refer to the answers posted last year and posters here can just move on to a question which hasn't already been asked and answered.

Or maybe Kandy's posting about her BF and her BF is posting about her and neither realizes it??

Or perhaps this is just a troll fishing for sympathy? I agree with Ashlynne and Blannie.
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Kandy wants a better answer. Dusty is right, nothing is going to change. The boundaries were in place long before Kandy arrived. An adult man who is still living with momma is as immovable as the Rock of Gibraltar.
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OK, so what is it you actually want, your purpose in posting here? No-one can help you unless you help yourself. As I said before, recently there was someone posting here about much the same situation under a different name ... you maybe?

You want his mother to let go and be gone. Hiring a hit man is one way to go. The other is to get BF a pair of big boy pants and have him set boundaries with mommy. Hire a sitter for times when you want to go out. Only you can sort it out between you. Whining on here is going to achieve diddly squat.
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Hm. Indespair (and I'm sorry if that's how you feel, by the way - don't!), does it occur to you that if Mr NY was that bowled over by you he'd have handled things a bit differently?

Is this man English or American? English ones are incredibly bad - monumentally, criminally bad - at telling the truth if they think it might be rude. As in, for example, telling the girl that you thought might be the perfect woman that, actually, on closer inspection, no she's not.

I think you should probably take a nice new friendship from this, continue to go to the pub with him, be pleasant to his mother if you see her, and enjoy what time together is convenient to all concerned. Forget the romantic angle with him and find someone who needs more urgently to spend his life with you.

And for goodness' sake don't blame his mother. No man in this country is obliged to spend more time with his mother than he wants to - you can't stir a step without seeing conveniently placed care homes round every corner, Social Services will send a carer to his home if he wants to go out of an evening, the possibilities are endless. If he's not making space for you, then I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't know how to tell you.

Or that's what it looks like from that angle. I'm sorry, but to look on the bright side there's no shortage of lonely people round here, is there? Write it off with no hard feelings and you'll be fine.
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