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When I'm around, my husband is very calm and usually looks like he's sleeping. But, if I go out, he often becomes very anxious and agitated. When I return, he says terrible things accusing me of abandonment, etc. He has vascular dementia and is unable to see or hear well and is bed bound. He is also frail and very weak. I know it's coming from buried childhood experiences and extreme discomfort with being reliant on others for everything.


I always tell him when I'm leaving and where I'm going. There's always a trained professional around to help him with his needs when I'm gone. I often give him a xanax preemptively... But nothing helps! We've tried 3 daily SSRI anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs, but they've had side effects that made it unreasonable to continue (blood in the stool, feeling like dying, etc).


Has anyone had success helping their loved one through anxiety like this? Please tell me there's hope for change.

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I am sorry to say it but when dementia takes over, sense and reason go out of the window. I have said it so often before - you can't fix it, you did not cause it. You must take care of yourself first. These people are no longer who they once were. However, when their behavior and actions become abusive and painful and start to have terrible negative effects on you, you must stand strong and remove them because you can't stop them. They do not belong around you - they need to be put somewhere. You do not deserve what you are getting. You can't help them.
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If he is bed bound, what does he do when you are tending to other tasks around the house? Does he behave like this if you go to prepare a meal, do laundry, clean up, etc? If not, then I wouldn't tell him that you are going out. If he needs to know when you leave the room, just say you're going to do one of those other tasks, you'll be back as soon as the food/laundry/cleaning is done.
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Those individuals with a broken mind will have a fear of their spouse leaving the home. My SIL with Alzheimer's says to her husband "Don't leave me." His response - "Honey, I have to go to work." Talk to his neurologist.
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Oh wow. It’s amazing to know I’m not the only one! My Mom follows me around the house. I’m the one with high anxiety!
When she 1st came home from rehab (she had a hemorrhaging stroke) I didn’t know what to expect or what I was up against but I’d left her by herself to run to the store & came back to her waiting at the garage door. I started to experience her anxiety, she was mean, I think it was sundowning so I’d sneak a Xanax in her soda.
Prior to her stroke she’d been diagnosed with lewey body dementia. Her new neurologist took her off the Xanax. I’ve been giving her seroquel now but mainly at night for sleep which also stopped her from roaming around the house at odd hours. That was nerve wracking & exhausting. She walks now but she was falling a lot so this medication has been helpful. The side effects are scary but like her Dr said...do you want her to sleep or do you want her up & wondering & possibly falling? That’s always a sad thing to experience.
When Mom was in rehab my siblings kicked in to help but now that she’s home with me...Squat! My 1 sister takes her for lunch 2x a week & will bring us some groceries & because of this she thinks she knows how difficult it is to care for Mom. Until you experience waking up to your loved one to when they finally fall asleep at nights, she’ll NEVER know how difficult it is being a caregiver. 24/7. I can’t afford to pay for outside help.
I was self employed once & now this is what I do.
Ask your Dr about the seroquel (quetiapine 25 mg). Mom now takes 150mg. I dispense at 6:45 & she’s asleep by 9:30. Between that time she’s VERY relaxed.
Hey Thank You for sharing & forgive me for rattling on. There doesn’t seem to be anyone to talk to about all of this. No one asks (siblings).
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disgustedtoo Jul 2019
You have to love how they think it is SOOOOO easy... On initially checking out places for mom, both brothers got the "sticker shock" after visiting the first place. And they BOTH said, geez, for that money I'LL take her in!!! Note: that didn't happen (thankfully, as it would have been a disaster!)

So, although none of us takes physical care of mom, yours truly gets to handle EVERYTHING else, and for those who do this, you know that is time-consuming and sucks down some of your own limited income too!

After we sold mom's condo (they participated in SOME of the clear out, clean up, fixing, but again who dealt with the bulk of it????), there were tax implications because it was a life-estate and she's still ticking... I get questions galore from one (maybe call the TAX guy who is handling this - I don't know anything about how to do this!!!) The other, who knows what he's doing/has done... So, I hear you on the "No one asks" - some other people do, but her own sons???? HAHAHAHAHA, no.

Since then? Not a peep out of the non-local one. Nothing. Doesn't even ask how his mother is doing. Jerk. The other, I have to practically have him hunted down if I need his help or want him to visit. Mom recently had some falls, is refusing to walk and I CANNOT support her weight. He was able to get her to the doctor for a check after the fall, partly because he is without employment at the moment... We shall see how long this works...
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Well, I doubt there is any hope for a change. I would suggest that you just ignore his outbursts, say that you understand and leave the room. He is safe when you are gone, leave it at that and live your life to the best of your circumstances.
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Many times Alzheimer’s people do not remember where you went or when you will be back. I always leave a note and call back to check on them. I make sure the telephone is in front of them. if they do not answer, I leave a message I know they will hear, then I call back or go back home.
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Dear Julia Rose, it gets ever more difficult for you, and you are hanging in there. The only thing I can think of is to print out a big picture of your face, laminate it, and have a place to write in 'Home 2.30' or 'Home to give you tea' or whatever time works, and put it somewhere close that he can actually see. Lots of love, Margaret
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caringkarren Jul 2019
Ooh this is an interesting idea...I may use this too!
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Hi Julia - I don't have the exact same experience, but my mother is also terribly clingy. She also says repetitive things that drive me up the wall. The only solution that works for me is to limit my exposure to her talk.

My suggestion is for you to avoid listening to the terrible things your husband says to you when you come back. Wait until he's in his better mood before you talk/listen to him. Is that possible? He won't change, so you will have to change. Buy the heavy duty industrial ear plugs and wear them so you don't have to hear what you don't want to hear. Or you can put on your earbuds and listen to music. That should drown out his rant and rave.

With my mom, when I drive her around in my van, I turn up the radio/audio book so that I don't have to hear her.
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