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I take care an 83-year-old man. I was hired by her daughter. The man began saying that he wanted to $%#! me, for several days. I wrote to his daughter because I talked to a Hospice's nurse, so, She told me that the man had dementia. I'm not sure if he has or not, but one day dancing (because they said that dance is something good for dementia people and he does not like to do other kinds of activities), he told me that he wanted to touch my a** and started to lower his hand. I told him that it was not good and made me feel uncomfortable. But he start said things that I can work with him. He had previously said that I needed to wear shirts with a neckline because this way he could see the line of my breasts. After all this, I wrote to her daughter again that I was not going to dance with him anymore. His daughter agreed. But since that day that gentleman has complaints from me, he tells me that I am not good for this job, he says that I do not like working with him and says that I need to quit. He does not take any medication for dementia, he is doing some work with lawyers to give his daughter power, so I do not think a person with dementia can do those things. If so, he is harassing me sexually and blackmailing me.
From the day that I refuse to dance with him, he says every day that I am not sociable, he wants me to resign, his daughter does not take him to the doctor. He does not forget anything, especially if it has to do with sexual things, he always remembers what clothes I had the day before. I bought him a happy face as a keychain to try to create an atmosphere of peace and he put the little face in his testicles saying that it was that my face. Then he said that he wanted to go to the pool and I started to go with him but with a rather long clothing and he did not like it, of course. He told me that I was wearing my bathing suit under my clothes. Obviously he feel more frustrated because he can not see anything. I do not have many jobs but not because I can not, but because I do not know many people in the city. I want to know if that is normal everything that does and to what extent I need to seek help

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It is hard to use the word "normal" when one has dementia. But this kind of behavior sometimes appears with dementia. Someone with dementia can meet with a lawyer to sign over authority to give someone Power of Attorney, so that doesn't prove anything.

This man probably has dementia, and probably can't help his actions. But that does not mean you should put yourself at risk. He should be seen by a doctor to see if there is anyway to calm his sexual urges. His daughter should find a male caregiver for him. Tell the daughter that you cannot go on in this situation.
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If you think you are being in some way abused you probably are. Whether he has dementia or not. Sounds like you need to get out of that situation.
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Get out! I'm sure you are a competent caregiver and can find other work. Don't bother writing to his daughter. Act on the answers given above. You have already been verbally abused. The keychain was a lovely idea. I am sorry you had to be subjected to his response.
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Just because he can't stop behaving the way he does due to dementia or any other reason, doesn't mean you have to put up with him doing it. Do as jeannegibbs says and talk with his daughter. She needs to know this is happening for the hiring of future caregivers or placement in a different living situation. I am in a similar situation with my FIL, who definitely does have dementia and who thinks I flirt with him if I even look at him. I can't be alone with him because the conversation becomes what you just described as happening with this man. There's a term for this: Sexually Inappropriate Behavior (ISB), and it occurs in a low percentage of dementia patients. Basically, the part of the brain that allows the rest of us to turn aside sexually inappropriate talk or actions is dead. They really can't help it... but that doesn't mean you have to continue in a situation that exposes you to it. You've tried to make it work with this man. See if the daughter is willing to give you a good reference.
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Yes it certainly is sexual harassment. The OP has been through a hideous experience, and I hope she has already taken Jeanne's advice and headed for the hills, and I further hope that she has access to some kind of counsellor.

Any professional caregivers facing this sort of challenging behaviour ought to be provided with training in its management: there are effective techniques which protect the caregiver and, also important, protect the person with dementia from the potential consequences of his loss of inhibition and self-awareness. But sometimes a male caregiver is going to be the only answer.

The crucial thing is that no-one, not family or health care team, should look the other way, pretend it's not happening, laugh it off or blame the caregiver for being too young/attractive/nicely dressed/whatever. It is the disease that is to blame, but just as you wouldn't shrug and let a person with dementia set fire to the kitchen, you don't either try to dismiss his groping and harassing people around him.
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Hi - how stressful!! I got stressed just reading it. Great advice here. It sounds like you are not working for a company... and with what research I've done lately, this country is chock full of them. glassdoor and indeed are review websites for caregivers to rate employers, search for good places around you! I personally like the protection of a company employer. They will provide training and support. Graciously ask for the recommendation letter and get away. Good luck.
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So sorry this is happening to you, as others have said whether he has dementia or not, doesn't matter. You need to seek other employment! I would let his daughter know why you're leaving because she needs to know he needs a male care giver period!!! Good luck to you!!!
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I bet he was always a sexual predator but now has less control over it. Find another job.
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GET OUT!!!
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Run as fast as you can out the door
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mscoulter and Sildharma I didn't post it but you are both right! Also when I worked in the Nursing Home we only had one woman that caused a problem sexually but all the rest were men, not all but most were men!
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Do not waste your time on this man. He probably always felt this way, but perhaps did not act it out before. Or maybe he did, but it's not your problem. You've told the daughter; now leave. She probably has heard it before. If not, she'll have to get used to hearing it, but-- again--it's not your problem.
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This is very serious and sad at the same time. The good news is you can leave the situation. Although he has dementia, do not make excuses and do not allow his daughter to make excuses. He has probably been able to get away with this type of behavior before. As other have said he needs to be with a male caregiver. Do not allow them to make you feel guilty or say that he is just flirting.
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Good luck with finding a male caregiver! My kids tried very hard to find one for my ex, who is in assisted living with dementia. Fortunately, the female aide they recruited is overweight and not very attractive, but she plays card games with him all day and he thinks she is his childhood nanny.
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I suggest you look up support grps for dementia & give facilitator your name/phone experienced caregiver available. You are a needed caregiver.
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Quit that job!
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A male caregiver is the best answer. You have a right to feel safe in the workplace. Period.
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Why on earth would you want to continue in this job. This man is sick, and disgusting. He is not going to stop.
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sadly, you need to leave and i hope you find employment soon....... his daughter needs to get a male caretaker. We did this with my elder uncle.
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It is sexual harassment. If you were working at Facility with _____ employees ( 5 to 20 or more, state laws vary and federal law may be a fixed number of employees) you would be able to get help through State and Federal Agencies. Unfortunately when it is a private employer there is little you and do to my knowledge except draw your line in the sand. He has already crossed the line and the family has not done enough to protect you.
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You just wait till he starts saying you abused him or hit him etc. you just might have some trouble coming your way with no way to prove you didn't.
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It most certainly is sexual harassment! You should never dance with him ever again. He said "he can work with you?" Have NO parts of that. None of this is normal. It's a given that this man has dementia. Irregardless if he's trying to recapture some of his possibly "sex-crazed youth," there is no way you're going to be a part of that. Resign your position.
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If you work for a provider care service agency you need to report this, no question about it. if you do work for an agency there are limitations required of your services. If you are a private pay provider care service and feel uncomfortable then quit! Tell his daughter maybe she should hire a male. There are a lot of people out there that need your services and willing to hire you in a professional manner. Don't stay in this environment, not healthy.
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it is bad enough to have Alzheimer's or Dementia as it is called as the person is still living but getting a man to be the caregiver may not be the best answer for the man that needs the person to care for him what needs to be taken care of is that he is doing this behavior that needs to stop changing care givers only changes who it is being done to and it could have an adverse reaction on the progression of the disease their are things that can be done to help change the behavior and ignoring the problem is not the right thing for the patient but it might be for you but at least make sure he is getting help so the next care giver doesn't have to go through what you have and that the patient is getting the help with the symptom's ( the sexual harassment ) so he will have a better quality of life as well as any care giver some people do better with a female care giver as to a male and that can have an impact on the welfare of the patient My father died from complications due to Alzheimer's so it is important the patient gets the help with this issue as you do you can leave but he still has to live with the disease and that is hard even if it seams like he doesn't have the disease but get help for both of you.
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It may be a phase of Alzheimers, MksterB, but there is no reason for a woman to be treated like a sex object during this phase of his disease. Maybe it would stop if he gets castrated and loses those sex hormones, but I think that is ***quite a bit more severe*** than quitting and telling family to hire a male! No woman deserves to be treated like this.
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I agree with others here in saying you need to leave this job.

Advise your agency (if you are with one) of all incidents that have occurred - every single one - and make sure a report is filed.

Don't worry about trying to help them find another caregiver. They will find one and be just fine. If the daughter doesn't realize this is a problem, she's just being blind to her father's issues. I would go so far as to tell them they need to hire a male caregiver because the man acts inappropriately with females, and leave it to them to figure out the rest. I'm not trying to be harsh or unfeeling towards the man, who obviously has dementia, but this is a very, very bad situation for you to stay in - you're sitting on a powder keg here, and the one that will take the brunt of the explosion is *you*.
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