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So, I'm 21 and living at home still. Things at home are really tough. My parents are sorta emotionally abusive (not going into too much details, not the point) and we fight a lot. But despite that, I have my own space and mostly a lot of freedom. However, they now want me to move out and move in with my nana who's having some medical issues. I love my nana very much. I really do. But I have lived with her in the past and she is extremely difficult to live with. Her house is disgusting and smells like cat pee, carpet is stained with dog sh*t, she hoardes, she's got strange nit picky things, she doesn't give privacy, she opens the door when I'm asleep and looks at me then leaves the door open and walks away, she uses forks to scratch her back and puts them back in the clean drawer, her other dishes are filthy, she's extremely over dramatic and thinks everyone is out to get her, and I know she won't let me have my boyfriend over or let us have any privacy if she does. And if she does or if I go to his place, she's going to guilt me for not spending time with her. She already guilt trips me when I don't call her. My relationship is still kinda new (almost 2 years so not brand new) and we're still very affectionate and romantic and of course, do what adults do in a relationship. I feel she won't give me privacy for it or will ask me questions that I don't wanna talk about or that she'll hear us. She already tells us to get a room when we're all at my house and we're cuddling or kissing a little. At my house, no one can really hear because I'm all the way in the back of the house. I'd be right next to her room if I moved in. And she constantly asks inapropiate questions. Ex; asking my boyfriend when he's gonna marry me and give me kids! We're so young and not ready and she asks us this almost every time she talks to either of us. She'd probably ask every single day while living with her... While I will admit life at home is rough, at least I can get away and have privacy and my house isn't disgusting. I'm only about to be 22 and my life is just beginning, I'm trying to get a full time job and move out with my boyfriend. But I feel like she's gonna hold me back from it. I love my nana so much, but I don't feel it's fair for someone my age to be taking care of her when she's falling and having medical problems and giving her medicine. I have no training whatsoever in elder Care. I also have medical issues of my own I'm dealing with (stomach problems). And they just expect me to drop everything, and move out and take care of her myself just to move out faster than I am able to with my boyfriend... I don't know what to do. I don't wanna seem selfish, but I also don't want to lose the life I've just begun to have to take care of my nana....

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Absolutely not. This is the time to live your own life. She has lived hers.
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CatBug22 Mar 2020
Thank you. I should also mention that she's choosing to not take care of herself. She's supposed to be on oxygen at all times besides showering (which she doesn't do, she only washes her hair in the sink) and sometimes she doesn't use it at all and sometimes she'll use it for just a few hours a day. She's spent a lot of money on oxygen tanks, a portable oxygen thing, at home oxygen stuff, and a ton of doctors are telling her that her o2 levels are low and she needs to be on oxygen. She won't listen. Her eye was starting to have issues and she's still driving. She has diabetes but hoardes candy in her drawers and won't eat sweets when I make them, but eats a ton of candy. She seems to purposely forget how to do things to get people to talk to her. I've had to explain to her I'm not getting married for a long time so many times and that's just one thing. My aunt and mom have to tell her things over and over again, too. She acts like she's dumb and doesn't understand. I just don't know why they want the 22 year old they still call a 'teenager' to take care of my mom's mom. And why she isn't the one taking care of her. Or my aunt. My aunt bought a brand new home with 2 extra unnecessary bedrooms she's doing nothing with. And my aunt is a nurse. My nana could move out and move in with my aunt if it's that serious... I'm sure it would suck for my nana to have to move, but idk if I can do it again especially when I'm working on eventually living with my boyfriend...
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No. Absolutely not.
And I am a grandma, wishing you all the best of life at such a young age.
Don't get me wrong, work, having responsibility is a very good thing. Look forward to a good career, good relationships, and living on your own.

You are not selfish if you don't take care of someone.
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CatBug22 Mar 2020
Thank you for that. Yes, I hate my current job and need full time so I can afford my own place. And I fear trying to work full time and take care of someone (especially at this age) is going to kill my relationship and ruin my (somewhat) social life. The stress of my job is already so crap which is why I enjoy going home and being in my room alone and not having to worry about anyone but me...
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No. You are not selfish. The persons who want you to give up your life, your future to be a caregiver are the selfish ones. Any good parent and grandparent would want their children/grandchildren to grow and blossom, make a life for themselves, and become independent adults. As a mother, that's what I want for my girls.

It's your nana's responsibility to take care of herself, if she can't, then your parents can help arrange care for her. IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It's very selfish of them to foist that huge responsibility one you. DO NOT TAKE IT ON.

Get a job as quickly as you can and move out on your own.

A side note. Learn to say no. People who say yes when they want to say no will be walked all over.
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"I should also mention that she's choosing to not take care of herself."
"I just don't know why they want the 22 year old they still call a 'teenager' to take care of my mom's mom. And why she isn't the one taking care of her. Or my aunt. "

I do know why. Your mom and your aunt know it's an impossible job to take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of herself, so they push that dirty impossible job on you. They are very selfish.
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CatBug22 Mar 2020
I really appreciate you... It's making me feel better seeing these other comments reassuring me it's not my responsibility. Just gotta find a way to tell my mom without getting her angry... Or her accusing me of being selfish. Which, I'm sure she will... I'll just have to know and believe it isn't true. I'm not even sure if my nana is expecting anything of me. I haven't talked to her about it yet. But I'll have to tell her the truth. That I love her, but I can't take on the responsibility of caring for someone else like that. I'm still working on my life and trying to get things going. I'm starting to get there, I just need a few more things to fall in place and my life is really gonna start.... But not if I'm taking care of my nana and stuck. Thank you so so much for yours (and everyone else's) input and making me feel valid
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Oh, I don't know.

You're not getting on well with your parents. You want to move out. Your grandmother needs some help and has space. You could move in with her and make yourself useful. [n.b. this is your parents' possible point of view I'm describing, not mine.]

It is one obvious solution to everyone's current difficulties. It's just not a good one.

My point of view is that you should focus on getting that better, full-time job; and then you and your boyfriend - if he's equally keen on the idea, of course - can look for somewhere affordable to live. If you do that, make sure you don't get yourself into a position where you have nowhere else to go should it not work out.

A little old lady who resists medical and family advice on taking care of herself is not going to agree to leave her home and move in with her daughter. So stop blaming your aunt for not taking her in. How many 'unnecessary' bedrooms she chooses to waste her money on is entirely her business and not for anyone else to judge.

A mother and father who have a 21 nearly 22 year old living at home (rent-free?), working, spending her leisure time in her room or with her boyfriend, and - how can I put my guess - being a bit touchy perhaps? - are apt to look on empty-nesters with envy instead of pity. This will improve by itself, as you make progress with your plans. What are the typical sources of conflict? Any you can let slide, and reduce the friction that way?

As to grandma: let's say you do land that job (I'm rooting for you, I'd love to hear more about what sort of thing you're aiming at). So you'll be working full-time, and forging ahead, and with general success relationships tend to go well so you and your boyfriend should be feeling pretty positive and you'll naturally want to spend the bulk of your free time with him.

By the way - it has struck me, over the years, that the happiest and most secure of young ladies, such as my daughters' peers, have good female friends as well as nice boyfriends. Do you have the support of a strong friendship circle?

Back to grandma. So there you are, doing well, and then where does grandma fit into your life? This isn't a rhetorical question, it's a practical one and an important part of establishing your personal boundaries. You do love your grandma. You are a responsible adult. Think about how much time you are *willing* to give her regularly, and what kind of support you are *willing* to offer her. Then do that.

The thing is, it's a fine thing to give time and care to older generations; but this is never a solo effort and it's not all or nothing. Don't get pushed into thinking that because you feel pressure to be her primary caregiver (no thank you!) you can only resist that by having nothing to do with her at all.

I agree that it would be absurd for a young granddaughter to take over primary responsibility for an elder's care when there are at least two more experienced and more closely related adults available to share it. It's a silly idea. Treat it as such.
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"...Just gotta find a way to tell my mom without getting her angry... Or her accusing me of being selfish. Which, I'm sure she will..."

OK. So she will get angry. SO WHAT? You can't live your life being afraid that someone will be mad at you. You are young so this will come with time, but know that matured confident adults still do what they need to do even if others disappove of them.

Your conversation may go something like this...

You: Mom, I am not moving in with grandma. I'm going to get a full time job and move out. I need to work and take care of myself.

Mom: You won't stay with nana and take care of her? You selfish @#$%$###$....

You: I am learning how to take care of myself. I can't take care of anyone else. Or
You: That's not my job or my responsibility. Or
You: Sorry, I can't do that. That's not what I want to do with my life. Or

Go on the offense.
You: You and aunt __ are her children, you two should be the ones taking care of her or hire help for her. I don't want that job.

Your mom will be angry at you, but she will learn to respect you and your autonomy.

Come back and update us. We'll be here for moral support.
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My opinion. Your grandmother needs a full physical and mental evaluation. From what you have posted, she should not be alone. I would be surprised if she doesn't have a form of dementia. I realize if APS investigates they may say she is competent and can live the way she wants. But someone who allows an animal to use the house as a potty, does not do what she is suppose to for her diabetes and hoardes, has a mental problem or Dementia.

This is a test. Learning how to say No. Not an easy thing especially for my generation. Say No for all the reasons you listed. "Sorry NO, I refuse to live in that filthy house with no privacy." Tell Mom that actually APS should be called to investigate because no sane person would live that way. I think your being looked at as an easy solution to a problem that no one wants to deal with. Her children should be finding ways to get Mom evaluated and some help. May just have to be a NH.
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Your mom is going to be upset anyway about you moving out, so telling her that you are not going to move in and take care of your grandmother will be no surprise. Do not hand over your youth and future plans, for their lack of planning.
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A update for anyone who may be curious; well after our fight and kinda making up (parents are kinda bipolar so they'll be really angry for one minute, then the next, acting like nothing ever happened) we never really talked about me moving in or not moving in. I'm still at home (and this coronavirus quarentine is making being at home sorta difficult) and just working on trying to find a better job. And before anyone asks, yes I've been trying to keep my distance from my nana God forbid I was exposed at my "essential" job. I've been keeping it to phone calls.
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You already answered your question, my dear. I would not do it.
It is difficult caregiving when you want to do it. Your parents should be looking after your grandmother not you. You are so young and inexperienced. Being supportive is fine, but not being the primary caregiver.
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Do not do it. Let her children take care of her. Don’t mess up your life. Say “no”. It’s a complete sentence.
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You are only 21 now. Before you know it, you'll be 31 and wonder where did 21 go? Take care of yourself!
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