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My mom is 76 and has always been depressed, as long as I can remember. She never sees the positive and complains about everything. My dad is 78, positive and caters to her every whim. She is hateful at times, says things a mother should never say to her child. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. She takes antidepressants periodically (which I plead with her to stick with) but she isn't honest about when and how much she takes. I've spent my adult life trying to be the "distraction" and to lighten the mood, to the detriment of my own social life. I've never married, no kids. I always feel as if I needed to lighten my dad's load. He has to live with her. It feels wrong to do anything than what I've always done. But I don't feel like I'm helping. My dad sometimes cries and it's obvious that living with her negativity is affecting his health. I've tried to talk to her calmly, when she's having a good day, but she is convinced that I'm "always on his side." I can't win. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

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You don't need to lighten your Dad's load....he willingly took on this. If he can no longer cope he is the one who has to do something, not you. Both of you are enabling mom. You don't need to really do anything. Visit when she is in a good mood, leave when it turns ugly. Your father can do the same thing.
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Hollypalmetto May 2020
Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.
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Do you think your Dad would be willing to see a therapist? Ikdrymom is right, this is sadly up to your Dad to deal with. It sounds like you both have been at the end of her unwillingness to properly treat her mental illness. Maybe it's time for your Dad to tell her how she makes him feel, and that's where therapy would come in.
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It sounds as though you and your father are coping with this, pretty much on your own. Could you talk to your father about other options – senior day care, even moving into AL. Explain why to mother. If she won’t co-operate, leave her on her own. She can insist on being miserable, but she can’t insist on you and her husband being made miserable too. She may see things differently if she is left with it to deal with. It is possible that being the ‘distraction’ and ‘lightening the mood’ is giving her the attention that enables her to behave exactly like this. You don’t feel that you are helping, so try something different.
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