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My parents are currently living 60 miles away (mom is late 60s and healthy, dad is mid 70s and basically healthy, but overweight and doesn't move as fast as he used to). My mom drives up to our house and stays with us 2-3 nights a week to babysit my 1 year old while I work part-time, mostly from home. We do not have any other family nearby and so do not have childcare on the weekends or days when I'm not working. My husband and I are starting to try to get pregnant with a second child and are debating moving into a larger house so my parents can live with us for childcare purposes (this would be a 3000+ sq ft house and everyone would have their own bed and bathroom. We can afford the move so money is not an issue). My mom is already living with us basically half the time, does not enjoy the long drive, and is unhappy with their current living situation renting in a senior mobile home park, so she is on board with the move. We also get along quite well. My dad is more ambivalent about it because he has other family and friends near his current home. He is also quite loud and can get on my nerves when I visit for a long weekend. Basically, I'm concerned that if my parents continue to live far away, childcare will be difficult with 2 children. I'm also worried my mom won't be able to handle the long drive. On the other hand, if my parents move in with us, I'm afraid we could drive each other crazy and am also afraid of unexpected caregiver responsibilities should their health go downhill. My husband is easygoing and says he doesn't have any preference. If anyone has any experience with a similar situation, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!

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My opinion, I wouldn't do it. If Dad drives you nuts on weekends, whats he going to be like 24/7. And what happens if they both have serious health problems later on. Do u plan on caring for them.
If you can afford a 3000 sq ft house you can afford to pay someone to care for your kids. I hope you pay Mom something. It costs her gas to drive there and her time. I charged my daughter. 5 years later it got us a nice trip to Universal as a family.
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MKW1987 Aug 2021
You make some very good points. I'm not prepared to become a caregiver...
We don't pay my mom- we have offered multiple times, but she refuses to accept it. We have helped my parents out financially in other ways though, including several out of state vacations. I would rather quit my job than pay for childcare because childcare in my area costs more than I make.
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Living with them would be a hard no. Living next door, like my mom does, is close enough and provides privacy plus many conveniences. Or in close proximity: same street, same town. Plan your household budget on 1 salary so that you're not dependent on childcare. Elizabeth Warren (professor and US Senator) wrote a book several years ago about how working and then paying for childcare is a no-win proposition. If I can remember the name of the book I'll post it, but as someone who worked FT with my husband in our own business, tried to take my 1st son into the office with me (fail), then paid for FT daycare (expensive and guilt-producing) and then finally had my mom do it -- I can testify that IF your parents are willing, able, local and compensated, it's a great arrangement. Well into her 70's my mom was still shopping, cooking, housecleaning, doing laundry, cleaning and carpooling my 3 sons for us all by herself. She lives next door to us (still does) and that was plenty close. My point is to not make your plan ride on a single variable, which is dependency upon your parents providing the daycare. This past year I learned a dear cousin to me was diagnosed with ALZ at age 68. She has 11 grandkids and now she can't look after any of them (which she was doing). Today, I just learned that a cousin I grew up with was found passed away in his home. He was 62, retired and very physically fit. I recommend you have a plan that won't cause your lives to implode financially if your parents suddenly can't provide the care. Wishing you much clarity and wisdom and a blessed 2nd baby!
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MKW1987 Aug 2021
Thank you for sharing your situation and for the reminders about how quickly things can change. I wish we could move them closer but into a separate home, but unfortunately housing prices are very expensive in our neighborhood so it's not an option. We are leaning towards helping them get a nicer, bigger place near their current home where we can visit for long weekends with the grandchildren, but still live separately. I agree that working just to pay for childcare isn't ideal. Childcare would cost more than I make at my part-time job (my mom babysits for free), so I would likely just quit if my mom could not longer provide care. Our situation is working out okay for now, so I will let it be.
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You are wise to seek counsel from caregivers - they know how very demanding and lifechanging caregiving is. You're talking about a permanent move and your home would become their home as well. This in itself is a considerable adjustment and when you add age into the equation, you can be sure your life will change dramatically. To begin with, your dad will find himself in new surroundings and missing his friends and his daily routine. Men don't adjust as easily as women and unless he's all in and excited for the move, you already have a strike against you. Your mother on the other hand, is a nurturer and caring for your little ones will be fulfilling for her - as long as she is able. Just remember, their health could change on a dime and YOU would find yourself with the added responsibility of caring for one, or both of them. Certainly you could hire help, but at the end of the day, they are your responsibility. You are young and obviously love and enjoy your parents, but I believe you're taking on too much. It's kind of a roll of the dice, so to speak. If you decide to have them move in, be prepared in the event that one or both should need more help than you can give. Bless you young lady. This is a very serious consideration.
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MKW1987 Aug 2021
Thank you for your advice- I really appreciate it =) We are leaning towards helping them get a nicer, bigger place near their current home where we can visit for long weekends with the grandchildren, but still live separately.
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If everyone gets along, and your parents agree, I say go for it.

My own grandma moved in when I was 11, and although we didn’t get along when I was younger, we grew a strong bond once I got older. I matured, and she mellowed.

We built a granny apartment onto our existing house, and I would HIGHLY recommend you to look for (or build) something similar. Even if you get along great, trust me, everyone needs their own space. My grandma enjoyed entertaining and having her own friends over, and if we were all confined to the same living room, I imagine we would’ve felt squished.

Try to avoid basement apartments for them, as their knees won’t hold out indefinitely, and you want something that won’t require another move in the future.

I cherish the time I had with my grandma (especially the later years once we both “got” each other. I think growing up in a multi-generation home truly teaches the young the value of looking after family and creates a powerful bond.
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I would definitely not move them in for free childcare. I would seriously think through all scenarios that could arise as parents and children age. As “great” as it might sound to move your parents in with you…visiting and “living with” are two completely different arrangements. Of course, this could be the perfect arrangement, but I would think everything through before moving forward.
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I am going to sound really harsh here.

Why are you relying on your mom for childcare?

If your mom wanted a more "spendy" lifestyle, she could easily get employed by a childcare center or school.

This whole arrangement smacks of codeoendence to me
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cwillie Aug 2021
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Before we moved my in-laws into independent living, my husband and I had the same thought as you: get a big house together, share the common areas, and everyone has their own space/bedrooms/bathrooms. My brother knows my father-in-law well and warned us that he would not respect our privacy. We decided not to move in with them and got our own place about 5 miles away i.e. close enough for comfort but still far enough away for privacy.

In my opinion, childcare is not a good reason to move your parents in. In fact, considering all the things we went through with my in-laws, both good and bad, having 5-miles worth of privacy was essential. My mother-in-law got very ill, my father-in-law fell apart, but because they were in a senior residence, we knew their basic needs were all taken care of. And they were around people their own age.

It sounds like you can afford to not work. Once baby #2 comes along, I think it would be much harder on your mom to watch two children one of whom is a toddler and one an infant. You can take the kids to visit your parents.

And while your husband may be easygoing, things can change quickly if he gets roommates and things don't work out the way he would like. And your dad already drives you nuts. He's not going to change. And he may resent having to leave his friends and family. Do you really want your parents becoming dependent on you and your husband for their social lives?
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I just took a moment to take a break to briefly read this site ...so I'm going to say this super quickly:

OMG...THIS COULDN'T BE A WORSE IDEA ON SO MANY LEVELS! :-0
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And what will you do when YOU start having to care for a preschooler, a toddler and your parents?
Find Assisted or Independent living near you if they want to move. Then the drive will not be so hard on your mom.
Look for childcare close to you either daily or 2 or 3 days a week. Do not depend on your mom for childcare.
If mom wants to watch your child great, but I bet watching more than 1 will be difficult (it wears me out watching more than 1 and they are old enough to pretty much take care of themselves).

If you truly want to do this I advise an in-law apartment attached so that your parents have their own space as will you and your family. And I would make the in-law unit handicap accessible. Your parents are not going to stay in their mid 60’s - 70’s and healthy forever.
It rarely works out 2 households living together.
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MKW1987 Aug 2021
Such great points, thank you!
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FFS, these folks are healthy young seniors they don't need an AL or an IL either!

I get the difficulty in finding good affordable child care, I have family facing the same challenges right now. IF the parents are willing to uproot their lives to move closer IMO a shared multi-generational household is the least desirable way to accomplish that, much better that they have their own separate home. And it's not a grandparent's responsibility to provide free childcare, even if they lived next door.
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Your parents are not your only child care option. Hire child care like people do who do not have family at their beck and call.

If your parents want to live closer to you, it should be in a separate house or apartment. Do not "move them in for childcare. "
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Thank you all for your feedback. I've realized that this is a very bad, poorly thought out idea and will not be moving forward with it.
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Grandma1954 Aug 2021
Yeah!
I think that is a wise decision.
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NO! Do not move them in with you!!
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I am 65 years old and like your Mom babysit my grandsons ages 8 years and 6 months 3 days a week in my daughters home I also have my mother at 92 years old living with me for 11 years now. I told my daughter after seeing how my mother treats the family I will NEVER move in with either one of my daughters. No matter how well you get along now it’s not the same once you live together for. I’m in the process of trying to get her into assisted living now after 11 years of stress Take care. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Just at a glance, a lot can go wrong with this plan:

1. Will your mom be able to handle two babies, then a baby and a toddler, then two toddlers?? and for how many hours a week? And for how many years? This needs to be spelled out in large print.

Since you work form home part-time, it sounds more manageable than a full-time job away from home.

2. You will be giving up the privacy of your own home. Do not underestimate how important that is. I am a caregiver with lots of help and really miss having the place to myself. Your Dad will not stay in his room 24/7.

3. When will your parents move out? Also needs to be in large print. When the kids are in high school? College? This "end date" might run right into your parents needing your help as in elder care, and THAT is a commitment with no end date. Read through this site to see how much fun elder care is not.

Could your parents move near you but not in the same house? Rent an apartment? That would give everyone some help but still privacy and independence.

Just a thought.
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I would recommend finding them a condo near you that you buy and charge them minimal rent, if you cannot you buy a new house for yourself and smaller house for them (within walking distance). This will allow all of you to have your own space while still making it easier for your mom to help as needed.
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NOOOOO…My Mom moved in with me when my son was born to be our live in childcare provider. We thought we’d have her for 7-8 years. We’ll, my son just turned 38 and we still have Mom. She is now 94 and has many medical problems. She is an extreme fall risk (fallen 3 times-broken sternum, subdural hematoma, etc). She now has dementia and is getting extremely hard to handle. Her care requires almost 24/7 care. So my dreams of traveling the world after retirement has been put on hold for who knows how long.
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blondie97 Aug 2021
I had Mom and Dad together for 5 years now have had Mom for 11 years. I am going to an AL facility today to check out our options. My husband has a bad heart, cancer and high blood pressure. At 70 years old I would love to have the chance to do things with him before it’s too late. My sisters husband just past away this week and it was a HUGE wake up call for me.
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Move them closer to you but NOT in the same house. Buy or rent a nice garden apartment for them and you will have the best of both worlds, convenience and peace of mind.
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I know you said that you won't be moving forward with this idea, but one thing that may still be good to keep in mind: very few decisions are "the last word" on anything. Your situation will change. Your parents' will change. You may need to change your/their living situation when those changes come about. Give yourself the flexibility and grace to adjust things as they are needed. Resist "if I do this then I'll HAVE to do this when THIS happens and and and" thinking - replace with "I'll do the best thing for now, reassess later, and then do the best thing in a few years when what's working now isn't working anymore".
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NO!
Of course you want your parents involved with your children, but not as your unpaid employees.

The arrangement you propose would be unfair to everybody. Instead, you could help both your parents find their own home and get involved in something purposeful and interesting, independent of you. They are still young and deserve to live their own lives fully. You do realize they could have another twenty-plus years ahead of them, right?
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After being a part of this forum for over a year I have concluded that I will not move in with any of my kids, nor will I even opt for the granny pod in the backyard I used to talk to them about. While mixing generations might have worked many years ago, lifestyles have changed, and you can't do things the way we used to.

Once my husband passes, I plan to shop for 55+ communities and put plans in place for a move to one after my dad passes (when I should have enough to be able to get into one of those communities). I'm looking for one that has the whole package -- cottage or apartment to AL to NH if it comes to that. I don't want to stay in my current area as only one son will be here (if he can buy our house) and no grandchildren.

Even if one of my kids invited me to live with them, my answer will be no.

So, in terms of having your folks move in with you, I'd say a big nope.
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Daughterof1930 Aug 2021
My dad had a firm rule of his own making that none of his adult children could live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I’m grateful for that wisdom and plan to do the same. Your plans sound smart
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Every time I re-read your question, I just want to holler, "NO!"
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Hell no! You don’t know what you’re getting into.
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All situations are different. Your parents are not old yet. Well, maybe they are, I don't know. I've known people in their 20s who were old and people in their 90s who were relatively young. Unless there are health issues that require you to be your parents' decision makers, you have no right to move them anywhere.

That said, this situation is not going to make anyone happy. Your father wants to stay where he is. Possibly he has no idea how much your mother puts up with to please him. It's time they lived where she wants to live. You need help with wee ones and she likely needs help with your father. With luck there is a compromise in there somewhere.

I came from a culture where family helps family no matter how far away everyone is. I moved from one state to another to take care of my Mother when she had Alzheimer's Disease. Growing up, we always had at least one grandparent in the house. First my maternal grandfather after my grandmother died - he had RP3 (Retinitis Pigmentos type 3) and couldn't live alone. then much later other grandparents.

But your parents are not unable to live alone, unless I've missed something, so this is a trickier situation. Especially if you and your father can't get along.
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The only way you should do this is if you buy a house with In Laws Quarters or a garage apartment at the house.
Sones like you're mom would be OK to live with but, you already know your Dad is loud and you don't like being around him very long and living with him is a very long time.

Don't Do It Unless you have Private Quarters for your Dad! Everyone would be happier including Dad to have his own space, not just a Bedroom.

It could be a very nice arrangement, to have mom as a Live In Baby Sitter and awesome to have a trustworthy person to watch your children and for your children to have such a closeness growing up with their Grammy and Grand Pa.

BUT, for it to work. You must have Servant's Quarters/Guest House/ In Law's Quarters/Garage Apt/ Garage Conversion to Apt.
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RedVanAnnie Aug 2021
I don't think even a separate apartment or living space at the housr is a good idea. It's just a "No!"
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This is a "no" on a lot of counts. Your Dad is not super excited by the thought of the move. He and your Mom need to work out where they want to live on their own.... that is their relationship.
Your parents are in good health now but that will change over time; are you prepared to be their caregivers because that is what you may become if they are living in your home.
It's great to have parents involved in your children's lives but you need to pay for your own child care. If your parents where not available for any reason now.... you would have to do as thousands of others do and find something else.
Let Mom and Dad figure out if they want to move closer to you and then help them search for appropriate living quarters outside of your home. Find daycare for your children (before you have the second one). Life is not static. It changes faster than you can imagine. Don't lock yourself or your parents into the "photo" as it is now because it is guaranteed to change.... sometimes drastically.. quickly.
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I'm 61 and in good health. I provide childcare for all my grandchildren - my grandsons 1 day a week after school, maybe more after this Covid-19 surge passes; my oldest granddaughter 2 days a week before school and 4 days a week after school, and my youngest granddaughter 4 days a week full time (minus the mother's day out program she will be in this year). I love having the grandchildren around - the more the merrier.
I used to live around 35 minutes away (50 minutes during rush hour), and we took turns driving the children there and back. When my oldest grandchild was ready for kindergarten I could see that this would no longer work. My husband and I bought a house in the same neighborhood that both my sons live in. We are within walking distance now.
I watch the grandchildren at my house. I have toys and baby/toddler furniture, and provide food, and like that I have control over those things (no sugary drinks or chips, none of the more obnoxious toys, and everything kept organized and clean to my satisfaction). My sons pay for me to have a house cleaning service and yard service.
It's a good solution because my husband and I have our time together and my sons have family time with their wives and children, but we are all available for each other.
I will add that it is a little trickier to provide care for my son's children than my friends who provide care for their daughter's children because I am dealing with two women who were raised with different ideas about household management and child-rearing. They are naturally diffident when dealing with their mother-in-law, but also have a strong desire to be in control of their children's well-being. We manage with good communication and mutual respect, and the reasoning that the children can learn to deal with different rules at Grandma's house if necessary.
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It sounds like you can’t really handle having children unless your parents help you. What happens if they die suddenly? Then what? Counting on them for child care sounds like a poor thought out solution. Perhaps you should reconsider having a second child if that is the only way you can cope. Also if your dad is on your nerves for a weekend..what do you think every day will be like? What if it doesn’t work out? What is the exit strategy? Because people will tell you that is when it gets difficult. Why can’t they move into a place of their own?
Bottom line, It sounds like you are using your mom and dad as babysitters, your dad doesn’t want to move due to his connections. Your folks are my and my husbands age and I can’t even imagine living with my children. I would want my own space. Don’t do it is my opinion.
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Cover99 Aug 2021
Addition to a home with a separate entrance.
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Things could change health wise and energy wise quite quickly for your parents. I wouldn’t move parents in with me for childcare purposes alone. Having a separate apartment in your home would be fine if you all got along, and they could lead a separate life and helping THEM is your main goal. Because eventually that is what will happen - you will be helping them more and more. If money is not an issue for you, then I would start looking for reliable childcare locally. If your mother still wants to visit and help as long as she can and wants to, that’s great. If they want to move closer (maybe split the driving distance?) that should be their decision. Just my opinion!
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I don't mean to sound harsh, so please forgive me if I speak plainly. If you're depending on your elderly parents to provide child care for a one year old, don't have another baby.
Think about what your life will be like a few years down the road if you move your parents in with you.
A toddler, a baby, and two elderly people. Mind you old folks love babies and little kids. Especially their grands. It's a different story when they live with them though. Your parents will get tired of that situation fast. Then you will be dealing with two fussy, ornery elderly people along with a toddler and a baby.
I'd think long and hard on this one before you do anything, my friend.
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Cover99 Aug 2021
Separate addition, similar to what some homes have with one part living area, the other an apartment.

Bonus points if single floor
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