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So I don't really know where to start but basically 2 weeks before we were supposed to move in together, my gf's mother was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.


She went to live with her parents and it's looking like we won't be able to move in together for a long time. Initially I wanted to break up because I didn't want to do long distance, but she wanted it to work. She says we can go back to dating/talking and see where it goes from there. We have plans to be together for Thanksgiving and we talk seldom on the phone, but this situation is too hard for me.


I really wanted to live with her and start our lives together, but she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her (she has reiterated this on several occasions). We have been communicating less and less. We live in separate states and weekends aren't always off for me.


Another issue is that I'm a in the military so I don't choose where I live. I would need at least 8 months more to join her, but I can't organize anything since I don't know if she will still want to be together by then, or worse she finds someone else whom she is interested in.


On the one hand I feel like she doesn't care enough about me and on the other I feel insensitive and selfish for asking of all that.


So, I guess I needed your input since you might understand what she's going through.

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Yes, so sorry. But this is why we date, to find out what we want in a mate. Know someone for at least a year before making any plans with them. That means even moving in with each other. Its hard for people, like Narcissists, to keep up the persona for that long. Always go with ur gut like u did with this situation. That gut feeling is usually right. If someone is into you, they are into u.
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Sorry how this ended for you. She wasn't the person you thought you knew. It's better to find this out now than later. Consider yourself lucky that you found this out now.
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One more thing, I am glad that you trusted your gut because people are capable of being quite deceptive. So, don’t blame yourself for this situation.

I give you credit for not fully trusting her when things started to go wrong. Her actions showed her true colors. I’m so glad that you didn’t hold onto false hope.

There are people who believe that they can change others. The truth is that we are only in control of our own actions.

Some people want something so badly that they waste time chasing after something that won’t ever happen. You were smart enough to break things off immediately when you saw the writing on the wall. Good for you!
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I’m sorry that you have gone through this. Now you know that she was never worth waiting for.

Move on, don’t look back. You will meet someone else. It’s fresh in your mind now, but trust me, one day she will only be a distant memory for you.

Wishing you peace during this difficult time.
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HI pps - I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling - breakups are never easy...even when they're for the best. And from what you've described previously, it sounds like this breakup is for the best. Reason being, you said that you both dated while on a mission for the first 3 months - and I'd think for that time, it was more like living in a bubble - and once you both went back to every day life and other factors got involved, it became more of a test in determining if you both were truly right for each other.

Regarding her - the fact that she only wanted to live in her home state seems so restrictive for you - especially given your profession. Wouldn't you want to meet someone who is open to other possibilities and isn't so tied to her family? I don't know what state she lives in, but wouldn't that have eventually been a big obstacle for your own happiness? Plus, the way she communicates seems off - it's impossible to get into someone's head and she didn't make it easy for you to understand what she even wanted or where things stood. It's too hard.

Although you may be feeling down, it's actually better that you have clarity now and can move on - and you're already on bumble, so it's a perfect time to find someone who's better for you. You sound like a really good guy - and I hope you meet the right girl soon!

Sending best wishes ~
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Count yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet.

Next time you will be a little wiser in your choice of mates.
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Update: I had a feeling that things were getting worse. She removed that she was taken on instagram, removed the blue checks from whatsapp and barely responded, but was on IG almost constantly. I decided to redownload bumble and put in her parameters, low and behold, there she is. I just ended it. Now I don't even believe her mom is sick. What kind of person would make that up???
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MeDolly Sep 2023
Sorry about this but you have learned something, use this knowledge wisely.

Remember the past is a guidepost, not a hitching post!

Take care!
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6 months does not make a relationship, and 3 ur not even together, I had a woman tell me to be with someone at least a year (4 seasons) before you make any type of plans together. The "real" person will likely come out in that time.

"she tells me of the bond she has with her mom and the love of her family and that she will always go to them when they need her" 
There is a post going on right now where a woman left her husband and children to take care of her parents for years. She got no sympathy. Last I read of that post, she sees no wrong in what she did either. So, if you marry, seems ur GF will see no problem in leaving you to go to her parents. And they are in their
40s. Dad should be caring for his wife. She needs to teach him what he needs to know if she does die. What does Mom think, DD will come and care of Dad?

I think your being realistic here. You really have not been together long enough to do the waiting game. You also said she took the whole relationship pretty fast. The calls are slowing down, take advantage of that. Use it as a way to tell her, things are not the same. She has responsibilities. I have a job that transfers me to different places. I need someone who is there for me. If you plan on the Military as a career and ur an Officer, you need a strong woman that will stand beside u. My SIL was an AF wife for 20 yrs. In those yrs she packed up (2 children) 5xs. 6 if you count when he got out of the service and was able to settle in one place. One x they were stationed overseas. There was no way my SIL could run and help her parents.

I think ur the smart one here. For so many reasons, this relationship is not working. Dating is where u find out what you want and need in a person that u will spend your life with. This girl has already told u, her parents come first. Thats not how it should be. Parents let their children go so they can grow, mature and have lives if their own. They become a small part of their children's lives, not the center of it any longer.
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Sad to say the timing is off for the two if you. Your relationship is just getting off the ground. At this point her bonds with her parents are stronger than the ones she is beginning to form with you. You cannot come first just yet.

It’s sad but I think I would give her the space to do what she needs to do. If you don’t want to be supportive and see how it might go in the next few months, then you should move on.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
Thank you for your reply. Yes, she does put her parents before me, which I understand. But I don't think it's fair for me to put my life on hold for someone on the hope that she "might", one day, put me first in her life.
P.S. if we were in the same state/city, then this wouldn't be an issue at all.
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In my mind it would depend on whether your GF has a plan to "train" her Dad so he can take on the responsibilities that are actually his, not the GF's. She is enabling him. He's only in his 40s! Her parents are silly/selfish/clueless/controlling if they think it's ok to commandeer her life, and GF doesn't seem to have boundaries with them. Maybe it's because of the Mom's diagnosis, but it is possible to go into remission or be cured at stage 3 of some cancers. Even if the situation is "temporary", it can drag on for a long time no matter what the doctors say.

You aren't engaged so you're not committeed in this relationship. I say move on. She will always put her parents before her man. Wrong priority.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
She has stated that she does need to have him take on more responsibility. But there are a lot of other family problems she is also going to try to fix. I do appreciate the fact that she is so committed to her family, but, at the same time it's truly hard to imagine a life with her where I am her top priority. As she has previously stated many times before, her family will always come first and there will never be a time where she will not be there for them. Great to have a daughter, not so much as a wife(in my current opinion).
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GF has her head on straight.
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BarbBrooklyn Sep 2023
So, Cover, if you were in your 40s, you'd expect your child to drop everything and move in with you and your spouse if you had a non-life threatening medical issue?
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I know it is hard, however, I'd move on and when/if her parents die or her duties change, if she and you are both available, then you can pick up the relationship again.

Giving care to people takes a lot out of people. She may or may not have the time for you and the relationship. If you stay, you may or may not begin to resent the time she devotes to her parents.

I applaud her for making the tough decision to help her parents out. She will probably be a terrific caregiver should a loved one get sick. However, for right now, the time is not right for you and her.

I suggest you move on.

P.S. You are not being selfish and insensitive by moving on. You are acknowledging that you don't want to compete with her parents. You are also a caring, sensitive individual by not forcing her to chose between you and her parents at this critical time of their life. When her crisis is over, if you and she are still available, you and she can decide whether you want to resume the relationship or keep it right where it is. Both of you will be different people at that time, too.
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Oddly enough, a lot of these things come down to timing when it's all said and done, and the timing's just not right for either of you.
You've already got a lot on your plate with your service, and she's not going to be able to commit or focus on a relationship until they get her mom's health sorted out.
She's happy to have you around for moral support, but it doesn't sound like she's able to reciprocate. As you wrote, things are already slipping a bit. I'd say just let it go.
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It is wonderful that you care so much for her, but, maybe she just has ties that she cannot break. It is admirable that she cares this much for her folks, really, and I'm sure she cares for you very much, but sometimes our circumstances just don't align at times we wish they would. I would at least ask that you empathize with her situation. When your parents decline, all I can tell you is that it's not easy to juggle anything.

Best of luck.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
Thank you for your reply. Yes, this is an impossible situation and I wish we were never here.
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How old is the mom? The GF?

Does the mom have a long-standing history of mental illness?

As I said before, I have 3 adult children with jobs, homes and families.

Neither there father (the one with stage 4 cancer) nor I would EVER expect any of our kids to cancel a vacation, not take a job or imperil a relationship because we were ill. We have spouses, we have a robust support system (the way adults are supposed to) to cope with illnesses and crises.

I think there is far more going on here that meets the eye.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
Her mom is in her 40's. I also asked her would she want her future kids to do what she is doing and she said no. But, then she brought up the bond that she keeps talking about.
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UPDATE!!! I believe in being honest even if it makes me the AH. So here is little bit more of the back-story. When we met I told her that I couldn't do a long distance relationship and she would have to move to my state for around 6-10 months. After I could easily get transferred to hers and we would. She agreed. She made plans, had things sent to my place and seemed ready to start a life here with me. We planed a big vacation(which I am still going on since most things are non-refundable) and she was super excited. When she got the call, she told me that after the vacation she would be staying with her parents to support them. I agreed without hesitation. 2 days later, her mom had a panic attack and went to the hospital. They said it was on mental state and not physical and referred her to psych. Then she told me she will not be going on vacation with me and had to be with her mom right away. This is when I knew that this would now be long distance(which is not what we agreed on) so I tried to end it. She said I was being unreasonable, but I told her that I can't wait around for months to get a call saying she is no longer interested. She said that would never happen. Also, she has a course coming up for promotion the month after we would get back from our trip. She states that she can do it virtually due to her situation but is unsure if it still possible(I don't believe it is offered as virtual anymore. Like I previously stated I have no problem with her being with her mom to offer support, but I don't feel like it's fair for me to be here waiting around for someone who might not feel the same way 8 months from now. Does this mean I'm insensitive and a selfish?
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NeedHelpWithMom Sep 2023
I would be upset about her canceling on the vacation. Never in a million years would I want my daughters to cancel a vacation for me.

My youngest daughter is in a long distance relationship now. She moved to Denver after graduating college. She lived there for a couple of years. She returned to New Orleans and rented her own place.

She has gone back to Denver to visit friends. She met a new guy while attending her friend’s birthday party in Denver. He has been to New Orleans several times now and she flys out to see him.

They talk on the phone all the time. They are going to Florida together this weekend. We are going to dog sit for her beautiful Siberian husky while she’s gone.

My daughter is planning to move back to Denver soon. She took a short term lease on her house here. The difference between my daughter and your girlfriend is that she has made definite plans.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to. If things don’t work out with this girl. There will be someone else who will be compatible with you. Be true to yourself.
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Move on, this relationship makes zero sense to me.

Many other nice partners out there who don't have all this baggage.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
I agree. I do value family, but I value the person I am looking to spend the rest of my life with more.
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Something seems very "fishy" to me here as why a daughter would have to move back in with her mom when dad is there to care for her.
You say that your girlfriend has a strong bond with her mom, but from someone from the outside looking in, it appears to me that your girlfriend has an unhealthy and perhaps even co-dependent bond with her mom. And that should be a HUGE red flag to you, as that doesn't bode well for you in the future should you continue to be together.
I would cut your ties now and move on as you deserve so much better. I hope you know that. Don't ever settle!
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pps22001 Sep 2023
She says her dad doesn't know how to run the household and her mom does everything. So, she'll have to go there to be the replacement until her mom gets better...when that is no one knows. I agree with you on the co-dependent idea. Also, she states that she never wants to live anywhere other than her home state due to the fact that's where all her family is. Thank you for the reply I really appreciate the advice(kind of where my head is at tbh).
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Your relationship had not progressed very far (by today’s standards) when GF decided that her M was higher priority. Now contact is petering off. You don’t know how long this situation will last, or how each of you may have changed at the end of it.

My suggestions would be to discuss the difficulties with GF. Say that you still care about her, but both of you are ‘released’ from whatever commitments you made to each other. That includes her relationship with mother and whatever relationships you choose yourself. You will keep in touch occasionally to see how things have changed and how each of you feel about trying again with each other. Best wishes and good luck all round.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
I think you are right. I think(and am now starting to believe) that the only reason she treated me so well is because I was her rock to lean on: we met on a mission together.
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I posted earlier. Thanks for your response.

I just read your question again. Do you mind answering a few questions for me please?

How long have you been in a relationship with your gf? Was this a whirlwind relationship? Sometimes people mistake passion or infatuation with a deeper kind of love. Do you think that she is questioning your relationship in general?

I’m not saying that whirlwind relationships can’t turn into a lasting relationship, sometimes they do, other times they don’t.

Things must have been pretty good for the two of you to take it to the next step. I know that she is close to her mom and that she can’t help but be affected by her mother’s cancer diagnosis.

Do you know what her mom’s prognosis is? Has she shared anything with you about how long she expects to be with her parents?

Do you have a suspicion of your gf having cold feet about moving in together and then this situation with her mom gave her an out?

I would ask her direct questions and if she truly cares for you she will give you direct answers. If she beats around the bush, I would move on in your life.

Hey, I know a couple who split up and years later ended up back together. My best friend dated someone for a long period of time. They went their separate ways, dating different people.

My friend even married another guy. After she divorced her husband she wasn’t seeing anyone for a long time.

Her ex boyfriend heard it through the grapevine that she was divorced and called her up. Guess what? They ended up getting back together.

So, while I would never say to wait around for someone, if the relationship is meant to be, it will happen.

I don’t think it is fair for her to expect you to hold space for her. She hasn’t given you any time frame at all how long she expects to be at her parents.

You’re left in limbo, which is a very uncomfortable place to be. If a person doesn’t have any sense of hope, what is left for them? How can you not feel discouraged? I would feel terribly discouraged if I were in your shoes.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
First off thankyou for your response. We've been together for about 6 months. Spent about 3 months together solid. Then I moved to another location, but she would always do anything and everything to come see me. Even in another country(which is why I think I was her rock to lean on and now that she is back with her family I am no longer needed). I would say she definitely escalated things quickly and I was more reserved about getting serious(but I did cave after a while). I know she is on meds and will start chemo and RAD. Then in the future a mastectomy. She has not shared any plans on moving to my area and would like to stay with her mom until I can get transferred to her home state.
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Time to move on. And be glad you dodged a bullet with this GF.
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This sounds like a one sided relationship to me, where your gf is calling ALL the shots while you wait around to see if she's still interested in you in a few months time. Seems like she's trying to "gently" break up with you by speaking to you less and less. In her situation, I'd think she would want to speak with you more and more as a shoulder to cry on and to draw comfort and support from. That's what a healthy relationship looks like, imo. She rushes off to help mom in her time of need, but clings to you even more by calling you and expressing her sorrow at being apart. If she's not doing that, then what's going on, for REAL? I'd ask her, point blank, and have an adult conversation about it.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a duck.

Good luck. Please don't wait around too long for a woman who can't prioritize her life by loving her bf AND her mom at the same time.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
Thank you for the reply. These are my thoughts exactly. I would never stop her from seeing her mom, but leaving me to move in with them seems a little extreme tbh. I thought that I might be selfish.
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Thankyou so much for your support with this. I am really struggling right now.
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No, you should not. If you have to ask, you already know the answer, really. She has shown you where her primary loyalty lies, and…ummm, news flash: it is not you!
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pps22001 Sep 2023
This is exactly how I am looking at it.
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If she wanted to really really be with you, she’d want to talk with you every day. You’d be eager to hear about her day. You’d both be making plans to get back together even though you both know it could be quite a while,

I don’t see that here. I have been in a long-distance relationship that ended in marriage after 2.5 years, and although there was no formal commitment for the first 2 years, neither of us ever wavered in our moving forward process. If either of us had, I’d have seen the handwriting on the wall - that it wasn’t a strong enough feeling between us.

I see your girlfriend’s commitment to mom as a negative and her repeated announcements about family blah blah blah as a way of letting you down step by step. Sorry, but she may not be a keeper.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
Thank you. I understand people love their family, as I do mine, but I do have to live my life. I would never stop her from seeing her family, but she is stopping herself from seeing me and using her family as the reason.
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We all have our limitations. Your girlfriend has been honest with you. Her determination to always put her family first is meeting only the first of many challenges to come. What about when dementia hits for a surviving parent? You would still have to face this whether you were just living together or married. And what about when you have your own children? Have you asked her who comes first then?

You aren't married. Love isn't enough. There have to be shared understandings and agreements about many basics in life, and I am grateful you have met this one now. It doesn't bode well that you cannot allow for some time and see where this is going; it means you are not invested for the long term and that your relationship is more one of need than of shared understanding. That's fine. It is best recognized.

I would tell her that you have this limitation, embrace it, and you should remain friends and move on with your lives would be my advice.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
This might just be the outcome in the end.
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I can certainly understand your disappointment.

You were expecting to move in with your girlfriend and your plans have gone by the wayside. You are in limbo right now. Uncertainty is always uncomfortable.

Your gf has made her decision to care for her mom and be close to her family during this time.

I feel like this situation is going to either make or break your relationship.

I would fear that she is focusing solely on her mother right now. This is her priority at the moment. Yet, she hasn’t written you off entirely.

I think you are wise to question how you feel at this point in time. You have a right to choose how you feel.

Judging by what you have stated, you still have strong feelings for her and she has strong feelings for you.

Naturally, you’re upset about not moving in together because you won’t see her often.

I understand that you don’t have all of the options that you would like to have in the military. It’s frustrating.

My nephew was in the army. He was sent to the Middle East five times. His first relationship ended due to him being away for so long.

It’s difficult to be a military wife. His wife was lonely and was basically a single mother due to him being away. Their marriage didn’t last.

Then my nephew met another woman who was extremely independent and unlike his first wife, she had no problem with moving to new locations or being at home alone with their children. They are still happily married.

So, in many respects your gf could have to be in the same situation as you are with her right now. You are committed to the armed forces. It’s tough anyway that you look at it.

Would you expect her to wait for you? Sh*t happens. Life gets in our way. We have to decide if we want to stick it out or not.

I certainly wish both of you all the best. I hope it works out well for you. Take care and thank you for serving our country.
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pps22001 Sep 2023
This was the reason I wanted to end it initially. I wanted her to be free and focus on her mom and family. She wanted to continue so I gave her the option. I would not expect someone whom is not my wife to wait for me.
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Welcome, PPS!

My ex-husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in 2020. None of our adult children moved in with him.

What sort of care does the mom need?
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