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My mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers and my father with multiple myeloma. My father is the caregiver; he does everything...cooks, shops, laundry etc. He's in pain everyday and my mother sleeps most of the day. I make and take them to all their appointments and I have to drive 15 miles one way to pick him/her up for appointments. I am a single female and have wondered if I should sell my home, they sell their home and we purchase a larger home for all three of us. They each need their own bedroom and I only have two and their home only has two. I have one sister that doesn't participate in much of their appointments (it's random) but she feels they need to live independently for as long as they can. My father will not hire outside help because he feels he and I can do it all. Sometimes I get so tired of all the running around with all the appointments (theirs and my own) and it becomes frustrating. I think if we were all under the same roof it would make it easier for me and my father would have help with my mother. My father is 85 and mother is 81. What do you think?

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Based on what you have written here, NO. Not until your father realizes that he DOES need more help. It sounds like finances are not a problem, (he _could_ hire help, he just won't,) so there is no reason you should be running yourself ragged.

This absolutely _can_ work -- with additional paid help, and with a house that has the right layout (for example, a separate mother-in-law apartment so that you have your own space.)

But it can also go horribly wrong and you end up on call 24x7 with no life.

It sounds like your sister has set firm boundaries and helps out occasionally. You might consider stepping back yourself since you are already feeling frustrated.
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Do you want to be a full time caregiver to people at this age with serious health issues? CAN you actually handle this, even if from deepest soul you want to? Their health is only going to decline (I don’t mean to sound cold hearted, just stating the hard facts) and do you work/need to work? Would you like to date again? I ask because you will have NO life outside of caring for your parents. That is the bottom line on that part.

The house issue, is a big NO. It will cause Medicaid issues if either of them need funding for a nursing home.

Force your Dad to hire some help. That’s what I had to do to my mom, but it got pretty bad before she was willing to do so.

I’m sorry if I sound mean, I do understand how hard it is. I was “lucky” that I was only 5 minutes from my mom’s house.
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Why are you allowing your dad to say no outside help? You don't need help, he does. You can say, sorry dad, I can't be at your beck and call and you and mom need additional help. If you want to remain in your own home, here's how that will happen. Hire an aid that comes in everyday to do xyz, I will do (what ever you decide, not his decision) and you can do abc or you can move into a facility that provides the care that mom and you need. Those are the options, no argument, no deal making and no putting up with temper tantrums. You are a grown woman and not a child to be ordered about. He can only try to make you bear this burden, you are the only one that can pick it up and make it yours.

As far as living together, NO WAY! That is a recipe for disaster.
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NO! As others have said, you will likely never have peace or rest.

First, your father can pay for help. Second, I'm sorry, but your mother's disease will worsen, making caring for her harder and harder. Third, what if your father gets ill or hurt or dies? How will you care for both of them?

I know you want to help, but this will get harder for you and could last FOR YEARS! What about YOUR health and your life? You matter too.
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No. Absolutely not. You are already the outside help. If you all live together you will become the live-in help. Your father’s condition will deteriorate and then your entire life will be spent caregiving. Your sister’s reasoning sounds like a convenient excuse not to help.
Look into assisted living facilities with trained staff where your parents can be together. But please don’t give up your life being the sole caretaker.

Take care and I hope you are able to work things out soon.
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Not only will your parents health continue to decline but so will YOUR health. We are all getting older.
Plus as others will point out when you are living with your parents you are no longer an adult. You are their child.
Your dad already has decided you can do the work he can’t do. That’s just wrong.
In fact, you may need to step away a bit, don’t be so available, in order for dad to realize he needs outside help.
If they are on Medicare see if you can get home health. This would be a good starting place. Ask their primary to order it. A RN will come out and evaluate them for services. You be there to smooth the way. It’s not a lot but it’s very helpful. Dad is going to have to face reality.
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The one reason you don't want to sell the homes and move into a bigger one is Medicaid, if you ever need it. With your parents illnesses they will probably be in an AL or LTC within the next five years. Their house will need to be sold at Market Value. Dad and you may both have to be on the deed. Without doing this, Dad's portion of the sell of his house would be considered a gift to you and penalize him concerning Medicaid. By both being on the deed, half the house is Dad and upon his passing, Medicaid will put a lean on his half. Really, more aggravation than its worth.

I feel with both now having health problems, an AL maybe a good idea at this stage. You can't be everything to them. There are resources out there they may want to take advantage of. Call their local Office of Aging and see what is available.
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Take it from me, doing it 14 years. It’s hard! If you can avoid it, I would.

If you can get help, please do it. It is too much for one person. I just started getting just a small amount of help. I still do the majority. I’m wiped out, physically and emotionally.

I would not have chosen this. Hurricane Katrina destroyed my mother’s home. She was homeless. We took her in. Didn’t have any time to consider anything else. Knowing what I know now, I would not do it.

I understand what you are saying but it is not how it looks. I thought at first that it would be easier by not having to go pick up mom, bring her to doctor appointments, but it really isn’t easier. It’s harder. They start to think we are on call 24/7! 365!

Not only that, just giving up privacy is hard. Don’t sell your home. Please tell your dad that you need to hire additional help. You need it. He needs it too. Emotions get jumbled up. Follow your heart but read all of the posts. Everyone here has a great deal of experience with this. You can hear from people who love caregiving at home, people who hate caregiving at home, people with loved ones in assisted living facilities or nursing home facilities, etc. Everyone has likes and dislikes. No one size fits all. You’ll figure it out. Take care and hugs.
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No. Read all the threads on here from folks who have moved in together. It rarely, RARELY, works out well. Please put your self-care first - their condition will only get worse, and that will wear you out.

Goodintentions said it perfectly: Look into assisted living facilities with trained staff where your parents can be together. But please don’t give up your life being the sole caretaker.
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Thank you all for the input. I really appreciate it and it has made me see that I need to step back and have someone come in and check on them and help out. Yes, my dad's myeloma was diagnosed this past Christmas and he is doing very well. I will heed all of your advice.
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