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Apologies if I rant, I'm just a bit overwhelmed. My mom, who is recovering from a stroke w/hemiplegia, moved in with us a few weeks ago. Suddenly my home has been re-organized to accomodate her and my plans have been set aside so I can be her primary Caregiver. I'm 55 and my husband and daughter help me so I can have some me time a few times a week, going to the gym or cleaning my house. I am struggling with seeing the positive aspects of this new life and family dynamic, even though I know it is the right thing to do before considering a SNF. My issue is that my Mom is now able to use her walker now during the day to go the the bathroom (must be accompanied and assisted) and normally stays dry; it also wears her out a bit, and she naps some during the day. BUT when she lays down after her 8PM meds, she watches TV and falls asleep but gets up generally every 2-3 hours requesting to be changed! I personally have never been able to nap during the day and it takes almost an hour for me to go back to sleep at night! I once got a spotty 6 hours of broken sleep one night, but I am exhausted! I wish she would not notice every time she urinates, but I know she's uncomfortable and doesn't realize in the moment how exhausted it makes me to get up all night, not to mention everyone else is awakened. Once she slept through the night about 7 hours, her gown is soaked with urine in the AM; not fun for anyone, and since I anticipated her waking me up, no way did I get a good sleep. She needs to rest her brain sometimes to boost recovery, so keeping her awake all day is not an option, and she cannot go anywhere herself. Short of hiring someone to sit with her all night (very costly), any other options out there? I feel like it just is what it is. Maybe melatonin could help us both? Looking for answers from some of you courageous Caregivers... Thank you.

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Are you limiting her fluid intake after lunch? I read once that an elder with frequent urinating issues should not have things like coffee or tea after about 2PM.

What about a bedside commode?

After a lifetime of using the toilet, it’s very difficult to accustom ourselves to urinating in an incontinence brief and then trying to sleep in it. Even a small amount of wetness can be uncomfortable. If she does suffer from too-frequent urination, maybe a call to her doctor might be in order.
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JoAnn29 May 2019
Yes, coffee, tea and sodas, for me diet, aggravate the bladder.
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God blessed you with your mom and has entrusted you to be the one to care for her. Wow. How awesome. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Sleep when she’s gone! He needed my mom at an early 46, I was 22. I raised my babies alone. But when it came time to care for her mom, I did it with pride and honor. I watched her completely unlearn her life and me and my children fading away from her memory - due to Alzheimer’s, but i still did her hair every week, i still made sure she had her favorite things and i still loved her. I was with her til her last breath. Please do so because you want to. It is the right thing to do- but you have to want to out of love. When she’s gone it will be too late and you will have regret. If it’s too much trouble, and you continue to feel burdened, then for her sake, please get her to a home where they can care for her properly. She deserves it. There are homes who take Medicare
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Starre64 May 2019
I hear you...but one thing I will not do is neglect my children and husband by allowing my health to deteriorate. If I cannot provide the beat if care, I surely will do what's best for her. Thank you for sharing...You were your Mom's Angel.
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Does mother wake up before she urinates? If so, you might at least try with a woman’s urine bottle. I have one, like a man’s but with a shaped funnel on top. I think it’s probably more effective used when you are standing, not lying down, but I’ve never tried it that way. Even standing may be possible if there is something to hang on to and mother doesn’t have to walk anywhere. You can just drop it in a bucket rather than empty it carefully.

If she is only dribbling small quantities each time, would it be possible to get her to do Kegel exercises to strengthen her bladder control muscles? Her health problems may still leave her willing to learn and to try.

Another option that you could consider, although you probably won’t like it, is to refuse to change her when she calls. She won’t like it either, but she may adjust. The alternative may be for her to go to a facility, and faced with that alternative she may be willing to be less demanding. It may be that a facility wouldn't be willing to change her several times a night anyway. How difficult it all is!
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Starre64 Jun 2019
Thank you for commenting. I cant see letting her stay wet while at home. She has cognitive issues from the stroke, too, so her decision making, recognition of safety, recall, all not good right now; acts w/o thinking of consequences. I think thats the hardest part cause she does not even realize it, and I cannot fairly be upset with her. I though of a urine bag, too but do not believe she would even think to use it in any moment. It is def a journey!
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Just want u to know, I can't catch up on sleep napping either. Something is always waking me up. The phone, my husbabnd, kids playing outside.
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I would try to minimize the amount of liquids by moving the time back in increments from 6pm to 5pm to 430pm to 4pm etc, until you find the sweet spot.

I wouldn't let her drink juice in the afternoon, it causes me to be up and down all night. Water only after 2pm and if she needs a high protein snack maybe a couple of eggs or grilled chicken, some cheese but no liquid protein.

Does she always go potty right before heading to bed? If you stay up later then her I would wake her up to go before I went to bed. Then you would at least get 2 or 3 hours.

You'll find the solution with modifying her routine.

It is really important that you have a plan b, you can't sacrifice your health to care for her. They do get to a point that it takes a village.

2 dreadful issues - lack of sleep and incontinence. Hugs!

Can she change her own underwear sitting on the side of the bed? Maybe have her take the wet one off and put a dry one on. Keep a trash can right there.
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Starre64 Jun 2019
Thank you! You bring up one thing I wil have to try, the no liquid protien after a certain time. I am spot on with your other suggestions. Unfortunately she cannot change herself due to right-sided weakness, but hopefully she'll get there someday. Hugs back to you!
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Hi Starre. I feel for you. My Mom has mid stage Alz and mobility issues. She was waking 2 or 3 times per night to go to the bathroom. This has stopped and she rarely wakes up to go now. Not sure if she doesn’t feel wet anymore or if it’s due to Alz progressing. I put a pad inside her depends score the back of the pad making a way for the urine to flow through to the depends. Maybe you could try and your Mom wouldn’t feel wet and might sleep through the night. I also have a large washable bed pad on the bed now as changing the bed every day got old very quickly. The bed pad is rarely wet. Maybe once a week. Other aspects of full time caregiving will keep you up too as I’m responding at 2:30 in the morning but taking no one to the bathroom ;). Good luck.
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Starre64 Jun 2019
Thank you for your help. I ended up trying Tranquility and Northshore, some heavier underwear, and there is no explanation but some recent nights she has slept through. Until last night, up twice. I am exhausted just as you sound, it is very hard! My heart goes out to you and yours, you are an Angel!
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For me it was far better to have mom sleep through the night, even if that meant a wet bed in the morning, although the overnights from Tena usually were able to hold most of it. There are many options to try as sleep aids, for my mother it was mirtazapine, and anti depressant that has many beneficial side effects.
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Starre64 May 2019
Uunfortunately(or fortunately!) she wakes up when wet and calls for assistance. Sometimes after she's had an exhausting day, being uncomfortable still wakes her up.
But I'm with you! Thank You. I'll figure something out...
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Do you have a no liquids after a certain time rule? If not, then it may help with the situation.

update: I read your post on no liquids after 6 PM, I am sorry that I didn't see that before I posted this.
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