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So after exploring all options (my mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid) my mom would like sell her home and move in with us and pay for small renovation about 40,000 so that she can live with us and have her privacy. We would then only maintain her day aide and I would take over evenings. My siblings have decided that this renovation would be to my benefit (haha no way do I need another addition now that we have an empty nest plus an increase in property taxes!!) and insist that I repay my mom's estate once she passes away. They're verbally abusive to both me and my mom especially now and they don't help at all with anything ever, so I'm no longer speaking to them. My mom decided that yes since they insist I pay her back I should to shut them up but she will in turn pay me for caring for her at the same nightly rate that the aid gets which is 180 a night or 15 an hour. That's over 5000 a month. So am I a slimeball for taking this money?? What should these ingreats benefit from me taking my mom in after they decided that her paying for the renovation wasn't fair even though that was for her to stay here rent free for the rest of her life!! And they both told her if she moves in with me they're not going to visit her. She wants to go to a lawyer to sign a written agreement so things will be very clear on what's going to happen. But I still feel shallow if I take this money

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Oh no, don't feel shallow.

Take the money and have mom pay for her share of expenses as well. Have this written into a rental agreement that is a separate agreement from your caregiving agreement.

It is none of your siblings business what your agreements are with your mom.

Quite frankly, your siblings don't deserve a penny and you should happily get as much as you can for doing what you do for your mom. She should rewrite her will and have it state that any beneficiary that contests the will gets one dollar. That is legal, we have it written into ours to stop family nonsense.

This is her choice and you should be grateful that she is willing to compensate you and pay her way.

Tell your mom I said, "Well done showing your daughter your appreciation for what she is doing!"
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JanIneed Nov 2021
Thanks you are the first person who really read the whole post and gave me an answer that relates to the issue and not advice about everything I've already covered. This is a last resort for her I've already looked into other options. Thank you!
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You Mom will never qualify for Medicaid if you use her money to make any additions or renovations for her. This is considered gifting because you will profit from the renovations. It will cause a penalty.

I get from your profile Mom is not easy to get along with. How about taking the house proceeds and place her in a nice AL. Spend all her money. If her SS and pension are a problem because they are higher than the cap, see if your State allows a Miller trust. This is where any income over the cap goes into the trust so Mom qualifies for Medicaid.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
She cannot go into an assisted living facility. Her team of doctors advised against it.
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Look into a personal care home.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
Lol she currently has an aid at the cost of 300 a day.
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What time frame are you anticipating? For 'now'or for the rest of Mom's life?

Will this be a pop in check or physical transfers, bathroom duty, emotional support?

Will you be able to use a Hoyer lift & wheelchair if mobility requires it?

Plenty of elders get lonely or anxious & want company every evening. This can be even more draining than physical assistance.

Lastly, do you WANT to be a caregiver every evening? Or feel you SHOULD?
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Don't take mom's money for improvements to your house. That will cause problems with Medicaid if she ever needs it. Why do you need an addition on your home to be able to care for her? From what you are saying the home is already plenty large.

Instead, if you really want to take care of her see an elder law attorney to set it up legally. Or move her to assisted living. You need to be very careful especially when there are siblings keeping an eye on things.

Just see that attorney to discuss options.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
In order to keep her private we do need to fix our upstairs I'm not willing to live in with my mom. She has to have her own area. She will never qualify for Medicade she has a life annuity which puts her out income wise
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Increased property taxes, increased grocery and utility bills, 24/7 responsibility and 7 nights a week working, potentially and God willing for five or ten years...

Shallow doesn't come into it. I'm afraid you're being wilfully blind to the reality of what that $5K a month is going to cost you.

In addition, your mother speaks about paying back to her estate to shut your siblings up as though it isn't up to her what happens. But it IS.

What were those other options you and she explored?
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By all means, feel free to accept the pay. You will earn it, and more. And your mom may well feel better offering it. She is right about seeing a lawyer and getting a sound caregiver contract between you. Sounds like you are willing to have an honest conversation with mom and what mom decides to do with her money is HER business and not your sisters'. Think about it - with the costs of medical care and longer lives, mom may well have no inheritance to leave. This way she pays you as you go and since you are stepping up for her, she will be able to see that you get something for all the work you will be doing. BUT please listen to Countrymouse and other posters about the workload as it really will be - do you want to undertake this, or are there other possibilities?
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Jan, you need to see an eldercare attorney. There are annuities which CAN be Medicaid compliant.

Your renovation plans put mom UPSTAIRS? Not good for when she becomes more frail. In addition, what guarantee do you have that your mom won't simply park herself in your living room, TV blaring?

That is the sad reality that lots of folks have come to this board with.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
She won't be able to come down without assistance and my upstairs after renovations will be around 720 square feet plenty big. My grand kids and kids will be up there too when they visit us they can visit her. She's beyond thrilled until her other kids started b****ing and complaining. about this arrangement. We now have another apointment with a laywer.
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Why does your mother's doctor say she can't go to Assisted Living? Does she perhaps need more care than that (a SNF)?

I am concerned that your mother says you should pay the estate back the $40,000 to renovate your home. What else will your mother make you do to "shut up" your siblings?

Do you have POA/HCPOA?

And do you want to be responsible for your mother 24/7/365? She is 93, according to your profile. What if she dies within a year? Then you will be left with a remodel that you didn't really want. Is that all right with you? If your mother wasn't planning to move in, would you have wanted to do the remodel?
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JanIneed Nov 2021
No we would not have done a remodel no way. And I'm not going to be caring for her 24/7 her aid is going to be there with her 12 hours a day and two full 24 hr shifts a week. She will stay with her if we do want to go away for an additional fee. She's always favored her sons over me her only daughter. Whatever I do is expected and they're not expected to do anything and they don't but she's worried about them more than she cares about herself. I'm no longer speaking to either of them they add nothing to my life
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So we were in a similar situation and yes toyed with an addition on our home to create a apartment for MIL. The more we thought about this the more flags were raised: 1) we thought about long term like what about when she needs a more intense care, too much for us to handle $60000 for the addition would be a good chunk of her money. What if we wanted to go away? We are now bound.2) I wasn’t sure if my husband really knew what it would take to care for someone 24/7, so much different then going to visit for a few days. 3) the added value to our home and tax increase
in the end….MIL money was for her care(she has quite a bit cash, house and stock). 4) then we thought what if we put this on and 6 months later she needs a nursing facility. We got out of the mindset that that was inheritance money and it was hers. We sold her home which gave her about 4 years in a MC facility and cash in bank gives her another 2 yrs. stock will be last to go since she draws income on that. In the end…..we considered inheritance vs life style and went with a facility. Another option we are considering is there will be a house right next door going up for rent. Rent that, install cameras, hire assistance for 8 hrs and husband take over evening shift. A lot cheaper BUT we are still….thinking we would be in the same boat as far as care and lifestyle. Who knows…..but for right now she is in a facility, we go every day and she is taken care of.
I would like to add….it is NOT easy to care for a parent(live in). My mother lives with my sister. They put on an suite for her. We are beginning to see the challenges of this arrangement and wonder how long can it go on….oh I spend every other week in PA to assist with my mom so my sister has support and it is difficult.
so just some food for thought….think it all the way through, do the what ifs from all angles.
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Are the docs saying she needs MORE care than Assisted Living?

What level of care is needed? Nursing Home, Memory Care?

Is her depression being treated? Has she been diagnosed with dementia?

It sounds to me like there is a lot of attention being paid to the monetary aspects on the table and not enough thought being given to what level of care mom needs.

Figure out the needs first. Arrange how to pay for it with the advice of an eldercare attorney.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
She needs 24 hour care. She is physically healthy but a fall risk and has severe anxiety and is on Ativan for that and gets very unstable on her feet from this drug. Medicade income limit is 2360 not 8,000 as I said in my post she doesn't qualify. I've been to an eldercare laYwer and sheet went over all that
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Your mother favours your two brothers.
Your mother takes what you do for her for granted.
Your brothers have stated that they will not visit your mother if she is living in the same home as you.
Your mother has already made the decision to ring-fence their inheritance, and believes that she is compensating for this by offering to pay you at the same rate as she already pays her live-in caregivers. You already feel guilty about this, thinking it would show shallowness, that only a "slimeball" would take the money.
Your mother will be paying for the adaptations to your home, but you expect her otherwise to live with you "rent-free" for the rest of her life. And who will be paying for her living costs, then?
Your mother is incontinent and a falls risk, requiring 24/7 care. Have you stayed with her for long enough to know what it's like to manage her needs night after night for a prolonged period?

JanIneed, the reason that you have had so many alarmed responses to your post is that we're watching you march straight into a minefield. Whatever you decide to do I hope it turns out well for you and your mother and your family, but please pause for thought. If you haven't already taken over sole charge of your mother's hands-on care for at least a month, try to do that first before you make any irreversible decisions.
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Beatty Nov 2021
Absolutely. Start with a 'trial of care' for 3 days & re-evaluate.
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And it sounds as if this is not actually an addition, but a renovation/finishing of an attic space? Let's see, we do not have space for granny in our existing living quarters. Granny is a fall risk, so let's put her in the attic where she has to climb steps daily. Oh, let's see, she wants to spend time with the family, but we need a break, so let's put her in the attic so she will not come down to spend time in our living space, intruding on our lives, causing friction, all the while blaring the tv and yelling because she cannot hear. I see no potential future problems there.😉😉😉😉😖😦

Why in the world would her doctors not want her to go to assisted living? Did the doc tell you that himself? Or is this a lie/manipulation by granny who will be living in your house? And she now wants you to repay the cost of the renovation after she passes? What a hornet's nest that will become!

Not at all a chance for me, thank you very much.

When you say "down to the wire". What do you mean? Is granny running out of cash assets? And yes I know it is not granny, but your mom.
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JanIneed Nov 2021
You just stepped over the line with me clearly you didn't read what I wrote and your post is not only demeaning its cruel. You would be the best sister for these siblings. Wow just wow, Thank you for the support oh and don't bother responding because I dont want to continue this discussion with you
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Hi, not in a position to provide major advice since I just moved 83yo mom in and learning the ropes. I will say, it you do it, make sure you subtract the increases paid in your property taxes for the years your mother lives there out of the $40k your facility wants you to pay back. The increased assessment on the remodel value is a forever item. Will you house insurance go up because of the remodel?
I have a sibling problem myself. No one helps, I’m the only daughter. Thanks goodness for my dog if not I would be insane!

Mom is difficult. I think 93 regardless of memory issues is way riskier and harder to care for at night. Will you sleep in the same room? Good luck on whatever your decision. I found a great resource at Carelinx today for help. Maybe you can hire an overnight person a few nights a week for a break.
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JanIneed Dec 2021
The aid is willing to stay a couple nights a week and whenever my mom needs her to. She generally sleeps right thru. If t this becomes too much then i have to get a evening aid to come in that's all. When the money runs out it runs out. I'm not going to kill myself in order to save her money for her two jackass sons. I'm an only daughter too. The plan seems to be the best option right now i have ZERO support and only verbal abuse from these imbeciles
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" I'm not going to be caring for her 24/7 her aid is going to be there with her 12 hours a day and two full 24 hr shifts a week. She will stay with her if we do want to go away for an additional fee. She's always favored her sons over me her only daughter. Whatever I do is expected and they're not expected to do anything and they don't but she's worried about them more than she cares about herself."

You say you won't be caring for her 24/7, but what happens when the aid quits? Is sick?

Since she always favored your brothers over you, why are you the one taking care of her? They keep their inheritances without having to do anything. Why not you, too?
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JanIneed Dec 2021
If the aid quits we hire a new one. My siblings don't give a rats a** and the more I think of how things have been for years the more I'm sure if it. I'm trying to move on and i have minimized them to less than a dot on my current page of life
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So, she can't go to Assisted Living because she needs a higher level of care, i.e. she needs Skilled Nursing.

She gas $8000 a month in income and a qualified Eldercare attorney in her state can't figure out how to get her qualified for Long Term Care Medicaid? (LtC Medicaid is different than Community Medicaid).

Does she have assets (Bank accounts, CD's, IRAs, investments) that can be used to pay the difference?

Have you looked into Adult Foster homes?
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OuterBanks74 Dec 2021
I would think with $8000 a month income she should have income and assets to pay for her care - not be looking for Medicaid.
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Take the money. Why shouldn't you? You're the one willing to take your mother into your house and become her caregiver.
Don't just take the money for the renovations. Charge for your services as her caregiver and also charge her room and board.
Pardon me if I speak plainly, but I say screw your siblings. If none of them are willing to take care of mother, then they don't get a say.
Your mother is smart to want to visit a lawyer. This way she can make you her POA if she hasn't already. Then the lawyer can make up the documents about how much her rent with you will be and what she will be paying for caregiving services to both her daytime aide and yourself. This way if she has to go into a nursing home at some point, it will all be squared with Medicaid if she has to get applied for it.
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JanIneed Dec 2021
We did exactly that. We now have a gift agreement and a caregiver agreement prepared by our lawyer and signed by my self my husband and my mom. And yes screw the siblings who could care less and don't know that we have these agreements in place oh what a surprise. Meanwhile they can both keep calling my mom and tantalizing her is sad they're stressing her out she is so happy that she's going to live in my house and they're taking her joy away
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Dont do this you will regret it. If you are serious then you should go live with you mom for 2 weeks minimum and shadow the evening aid to get an idea regarding what is involved in caring for your mother in the evenings. Better yet do the aids job for those two weeks.

You don't say what kind of health issues your mother has and why she needs 24/7 care.

Its not wrong to take the money. If you proceed.
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After reading your other posts i think mom would be better off in a SNL rather than being isolated in the attic. She won't be able to leave the attic and the weaker she gets the harder it would be to get her out of the attic every day or do you intend to just leave her in the attic and have people visit her? It reminds me of the VC Andrews book Flowers in the Attic.

At least in SNL she would be able to interact with people.
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JanIneed Dec 2021
Lol she's not going to be isolated in my attic. She going to be living in the entire top floor of my home. 800 square feet of space. We had it all figured out now we may even get a chair lift for when she has to come down. She's not an invalid😀
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No, you're not a slimeball. Realistically, you probably should be paid what a board and care is. Because that's the choice: a board and care she has to pay someone else for, or pay you for.
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JanIneed, I can't help but laugh. Some of these responses sound like you are doing a Norman Bates with your mom, keep her isolated in a dark room and then she helps you plan murderous schemes. Sorry but, oh lands.

There is nothing wrong with your plan. You are right, your mom will never get Medicaid. She makes far to much income.

I am glad that she did a gift of the remodel, that means you won't be liable to her estate, which should never happen when you are doing what you are.

A stair lift should definitely be included in the initial construction.

Best of luck with the remodel, may it go smoothly and may you find good quality workers.

Do you own a motel by chance?;-)
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JanIneed Dec 2021
Thank you!! I appreciate your kind words and your support!😍
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