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What I've decided to do is to remind my FIL that I've heard this *specific* story before rather than make a general statement that I don't want to be a sounding board for reminiscing.


I'd like to have a 2-way conversation and I don't feel like he thinks I'm really there when he repeats a story for the umpteenth time.


I'm afraid that if I make a general statement like, "I don't want to hear about things that happened to you 60 years ago" he'll stop talking. Also, he may not know what to talk about if it's not something from his past.


Next time I see him I'm also going to come prepared with a list of current topics to talk about. He does seem to be interested in current events sometimes when I talk to him.

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Maybe you can chronicle his stories like in the book "Tuesdays with Morrie."
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
It takes a lot of work and motivation to do that.
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Doug4321, how I wish my Dad was still around to hear all of his stories. I am working on a family tree and wished I would have kept notes. You may not be interested but someone else in the family would be delighted to have the information.
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
If I got motivated to to this I think I'd work on my own autobiography to pass on to my children.
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You don't provide info about your FILs health. If he suffers from one of the dementias, he may not be able to help repeating these stories you've heard 100x and find hard to hear again. Maybe that's the issue.....hes going down the dementia highway where repetitive stories and questions are the norm.

If not, it's a good idea to ask him questions about himself rather than encouraging him to talk about current events, which are bleak and could lead to arguments. The vast majority of people love to be asked about themselves and their interests, so maybe that's a better train of thought to lead him down. Otherwise, the price of gas and groceries could lead to a heated discussion where you could both agree on how awful things are, huh? 😶

I always tried to steer the conversations to neutral territory when talking with my mother before her dementia made her pretty quiet in general. Good luck!
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
I don't think it's dementia since he's loved to talk about himself from the first time I met him 48 years ago.

It might say something about me, because my father did the same thing -- kept repeating stories about himself I'd heard a dozen times before.

This is an assertiveness exercise for me. I want to change the dynamic of the relationship so that we're both thinking "I and Thou" instead of me being an object to reminisce to.

I'm not worried about him getting emotional about a political topic. He's not like that and neither am I. If we do talk about current events it's just an exchange of opinions.
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I hear you Doug it can get tedious hearing the same stories over and over. Let us know how your talking about current events goes over with him. Sounds like FIL needs a hobby. If he has nothing new to talk about he is probably not doing anything. What hobbies do you like? Maybe you can share one of your hobbies with him to do together.
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
He's horribly depressed. His wife of 65+ years died last year. I think he watches old Westerns all day long since that's what's always playing on the TV whenever I visit. Never leaves the house.

I've offered to take him to a senior center where he lives, but he's not interested. I thought maybe he might be able to meet someone there.

He used to be a woodworker, but I don't think he's motivated to do that any longer.

He does read, and I think that's the ticket: I'll see what he's reading and if I have any interest at all in the book I'll get a copy and read it also.
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If his mind were okay, most
likely he wouldn’t keep repeating the same stories. This happens when they can’t recall recent events. I’ve known many people well into their nineties who were good conversationalists, keen to talk about the news, even running a business or other mentally challenging pursuits. Seems to me like FIL has dementia. Better have him checked out.
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
Agree. I go to a senior center and there are plenty of 90-something good conversationalists.

It will actually be a good test. My wife and I visit him weekly to take him food she prepares for a week's worth of dinners and I chat with him. I haven't tried very hard to turn the conversation to the present, but am going to try this week.
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I think your ideas to not 'dis' his whole life's memories in one sentence are very considered & kind. Being specific is an excellent idea.

I would add in redirection back to the present.

"Yes, that sounded like a great time". Listen for polite (short time). Then redirect to now.
"What have you done THIS week?"
"What are your plans for the coming week?"

Be on the lookout for other issues too.

Losing hearing can also dimish two-way conversation - how IS his hearing?

Losing hope for his future may be turning his attentions to the safety of the past? Or locked in grief - he needs the reminiscing?

"I think he watches old Westerns all day long since that's what's always playing on the TV whenever I visit".

Where is FIL by the way? Still (mostly) self-caring at home independently? Or living in AL? Bored & turning away from any social activities on offer?

Another angle could be to merely watch the Westerns with him, if that was his top joy. (I don't mind a western.. if you hate'em.. look for something else!)
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
He lives at home. He'll soon be 93. He seems OK cognitively, but has mobility problems.

He turns off the Western he's been watching when my wife and I come to visit.
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It only takes a recorder, tapes and a marker. My husband recorded his father telling his stories plus they chatted about their experiences hunting and fishing together. He marked each tape with the date it was recorded. FIL has been gone for 20 years…….but now the great grandchildren listen to their Opa’s yarns. Having them digitally enhanced for another generation.
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I think it’s a problem that grows worse for many of us. These days I forget which people I have told particularly stories to (even on the site). The same situations occur with different friends and acquaintances, and the same responses would be OK – though not repeatedly! And others do the same thing towards me.

I think most of us try to be tolerant, but also try the ‘did I tell you before about ….’, to avoid being too repetitive. Perhaps you can include ‘I think you told me about this before – he said ..blah blah blah’ . Perhaps you can congratulate yourself on helping your elder to relive the past. But I’m afraid we all get old and boring!
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
I really like 'did I tell you before about...'. It's really considerate in that it gives the listener the opportunity to opt-out of hearing the story. Probably makes sense to use it to preface any old story that's been sticking with you.
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I would not have cared for my Dad if my Mom had gone first. He had a lot of health problems and not an easy man. Loved him but Mom waited on him hand and foot and I won't do that. He liked to push buttons too for a reaction. He would have loved a NH or a Senior center. He would have knew people to tell his stories to.

I would maybe say "Dad, I have heard those stories a million times that I have them memorized let talk about what's going on today" You can do it in a nice way. Maybe that would be a good time to bring up the Senior Center. He can swap stories with the other guys. Men his own age that understand where he is coming from. Better than sitting in one room watching TV alone.
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Beatty Aug 2022
Agree. Lack of company = higher risk of depression & dementia it is now reported.
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Wondering about what other social support/connections FIL has too? If you two are it, this won't be so good for either side.

Baby steps. An errand out + coffee. Just to be out in the world. Then a morning tea.
Then lunch at the senior centre, all go together.

Kinda like the 'social engineering' that is done to introduce youngsters to playgroup, then ease them into kindergarten in a way 😁

If it is enjoyable, he will want to return.

If however, he has such a level of depression making him lonely despite people trying to connect, that will need to be addressed first.
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Doug4321 Aug 2022
Beatty, my wife and I and my father-in-law's other daughter and her husband are all the social connections he has.

I tried again yesterday to interest him in going to a senior center, which is only 5 miles away from his house. He says he still drives and says he could get there.

I spent a good 10 minutes telling him about the senior center I go to and how you can participate in groups and meet people. I looked up the program of activities for his senior center online and showed him all the fun things he could do. I offered to go there with him. He listened politely and smiled, as he usually does, when I talk about senior centers. He never gives any specific reason about why he does not want to visit his.
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Caregivers who work with elderly people learn how to 'listen with one ear'. This means you don't really pay attention to what they're saying if you've already heard it half a million times.
Just use a generic response every few minutes like:

'Is that right? I didn't know that'.

'That's interesting'.

'Good for you/him/her/whoever'.

'Oh, that's too bad'.

These responses pretty much cover everything and you should do all right with them. Believe me hearing the same story over and over sure beats the carrying on about politics, religion, or every detail of their BM from A to Z.

Telling the same story repeatedly isn't the same as asking the same question over and over. I have an answer three time rule then ignore the question.
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