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We are the primary caregiver for 2.5 years of my mother-in-law (she is 94). She lives in Assisted Living and we see her every day. My brother-in-law lives in China and sees her 3-4 times a year. He is constantly threatening us with lawsuits because he doesn't like a doctor or medication she is on or methods of care we are providing. He thinks we are trying to kill her. She is in seriously poor health and may pass soon. He is also threatening to sue her doctors. Do we have anything to worry about?

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Can I sue my brother in law? I been taking care my mother in law for 3 years 24/7 w/o compensation she is 99 years old mentally very sharp physical deteriorated helpless cant not walk, go to the bathroom,need cooking her meals, laundry bathing and all the rest, her vision is poor,also her hearing. he told me no money,she have a house, little savings and social security, what I can do I need to make my own living.she doesn't want to go to nursing home.
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Ignore your brother-in-law. He's wasting what little energy you have. You have nothing to worry about legally. Seriously, he can just come here and stay with his mom or take her back to China to care for her himself if nobody's care is on par with what he'd provide.
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Unfortunately, I know this scenario all to well- this type of person adds extra stress to a situation that is unnecessary. My sibling lives close and offers only opinions as support along with the daily beat down of "you shoulds". I have learned to set boundaries(harder than it sounds). Keep a journal of your caregiving and conversations with him, just the facts. Maybe talk to a lawyer for a free consult and see what they advise.
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Who has POA for your MIL? If you are the one with it and you are afraid your BIL is going to sue you, then why don't you sign over POA to him, then he is solely responsible and you are off the hook.

Personally I think he is causing problems because he can and it is so much easier to blame everyone else. If she is being taken care of by a physician and is receiving the best treatment possible, how can he sue you?
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Iwentanon, if he harrasses the caregiver enough, the caregiver just might be able to sue for that. I think this clown is bluffing. I don't know how he can know anything living on the other side of the world. I think I would laugh and hang up.
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Right, they don't have a clue!
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Being a caretaker of an elderly person is a hard job and only those who do this full time know how hard it is. It's frustrating to say the least when siblings don't or won't help, but want to have a say in how to care for this person. They just don't have a clue!
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My initial response is similar to those already given. He is uninformed, acting out, probably not financially able to act on his threats etc. Further, I assume you have the necessary legal documents medical and financial POA. Practically, if he does visit her 3 or 4 times of year from China, this represents a large expenditure for travel costs and time. Indicating he has not detached himself from her and still makes an effort to see her. I don't know his educational background or your relationships within the family prior to your mother's placement. Emotionally the feedback received is certainly appropriate but to say he can't or probably would not take legal action is in my view not assured. Only you know his financial means and what motivates his reaction, thus I would strongly suggest if you are seriously concerned please contact an elder attorney and gain a second opinion regarding her medical care. Usually a consult for both would be less than one thousand dollars. Most likely less than this amount. Armed with this information, you can with confidence, calmly talk to him and let him know he may feel he is legitimate in his concerns but you have taken him seriously and found that they are unfounded. If he continues to act unreasonably he indeed is not behaving rationally and your responsibility and peace of mind are more than fulfilled.
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I wonder in this topic of suing, can the caregiver sue the "not" caregivers for not caregiving, but clogging our lives with this abuse and worry????
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Living in China is going to make it difficult for BIL to follow up with a lawsuit. Is he really going to come back to the states and wait around for a lawsuit that could take months. Whatever his motives are, sounds like more bark than bite.
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Anyone can sue, anytime, for anything. However, they need to find a lawyer to take their case. Lawyers take cases based upon the likelihood of winning or settling favorably. They don't take cases that are driven purely by spite or a client's dilusions. At least not on a contingency basis, they don't. Lawyers want to be paid and if your brother-in-law doesn't stand a chance of winning, the lawyer wouldn't get paid. Now, if your BIL has the means to pay a lawyer $400 an hour to harass you, then you have something to worry about. But, not much. If the case made it to a judge, it's likely it would be thrown out. Hopefully, any lawyer would have a frank discussion with your BIL and let him know that there's not a lot of money to be made in accusing someone of causing the death of a 94 year-old.
If it were me, I'd avoid rattling my crazy BIL and go about the business of continuing to take care of my mother-in-law. How sad for her. It would be my worst nightmare that I'd leave this earth with my family torn apart. You might talk to your husband about having him attempt to convey that to his brother and at least fake a little family love for their mother's sake so she can depart with some peace of mind.
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He's a blowhard and a PITA. Hang up on him. He's only busting your chops and has no standing legally unless he has been appointed POA.
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I have read more of your posts. I commend you for even hiring a caregiver to sit with MIL full time and on top of that you visit her everyday as well. It obviously shows that you care about her well being.
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I also want to add that people can sue over ridiculous reasons. Most people who do that are acting out of their own emotions than for the "welfare or the best interest of whoever". Your BIL can threaten and sue but the question is, does he have a case? Does he have any evidence? Even doctors have lawyers of their own so I wouldn't worry about it.
It's said that the best revenge is to not do anything. So do not say anything to BIL to add ammunition to his threats and anger. Just continue being the best caregivers you can be.
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1) Who is Mother in Law's power of attorney (POA)?
Whoever is the POA has the legal right to make decisions over your MIL.

2) Contact a family law attorney. Most lawyers have free consultations before you hire them. Write down all your questions prior to your free consultations because they do time their sessions.

Hope this helps.
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Keep all text and e-mails from him. He could be sued for decimation of character among other things. He is in the wrong not you. He sounds like an immature control freak!
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I never said my MIL was doing great. She is definitely not! She is in very poor condition with many medical problems. We pay our own caregivers to sit with her from 9am - 6pm every day and we come 6pm - 9pm every evening. I agree the STNA's and Nurses have too many people to take care of and work too many hours and make a lot of mistakes. My BIL has badgered and threatened all of the doctors to the point they don't want to take care of my MIL anymore. He calls, faxes, and emails them constantly.

I know we haven't done anything wrong, but that may not stop my BIL from suing us. He has told us many times he intends to financially ruin us. My question is, is this possible? Do I have any legal grounds to prevent him from doing this?
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You people don't have a clue what the CNA"S and Nurses do to these patients! I have to agree with the brother in law! Though he's far he shows concern which is a good thing. You say you are seeing your mother everyday-if you feel she is doing great then why do you have to be there daily? Most meds are not good for older folks-of course depends of what kind the doctor prescrib. Most of these facilities want them knocked out most of the time so they don't deal with the patients. Doctors are never there and hardly ever see them-they never talked to loved ones and don't care about the patients outcome. Eveyone is there for the money. Lucky you do see your mom regularly and feels she is doing fine. Your brother in law has a right for his concerns. Maybe he needs to speak to the doctor to voice his concerns- if that will ever be possiable!!!!!
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At her age, there are complications. However, make sure you are with a licensed practitioner. An opinion of someone who just visits 3-4 times a year does not matter. You are the official guardians. If he was that worried, I am sure he would have done something concrete and better for her or even taken up the responsibility by now instead of just sitting there and criticizing.
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I would not think you have anything to worry about. Unfortunately, those of us who are caregivers are threatened time and time again by family members who find fault with the care we are providing. Now mind you THEY ARE NOT WILLING OR ABLE TO PROVIDE THE CARE BUT THEY LIKE TO BITCH AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CARE WE PROVIDE. They just like to cause problems!

If your brother in law was concerned enough about the care being given, he would hop the next airplane and be home in a flash to put things straight. As you can see he isn't doing it, so he is just throwing his weight around or trying to.

At 94 your mother in law has led a good long life and he has to face the reality that at some time she is going to pass away. You have her hospitalized and receiving medical care from a licensed doctor, unless she is being abused or neglected I do not think he has a leg to stand on.

People like this can live to make your life miserable, don't worry you are doing a good job!
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Sounds to me like he's just wanting to scare you. He feels big by talking big. However, I don't think I would possibly add grease to his fire by suggesting to him that he "bring it on". Don't lower yourself to his level or enter a back & forth with him. And just in case he tries to legally take action, make sure your comments to him are calm and short. Give him updates, when he asks. But, don't debate with him. (That may be what he's wanting) I would assure him that you are doing your best in overseeing her care and evaluating the situation and you and the docs are doing what has been determined to be best. Welcome him to come to the facility and be more involved. In other words, don't give anyone the impression that you are keeping things from him.

I wish you, your mother-in-law and your family...peace.
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Thank you everyone! This has helped ease my stress about the situation. My husband is the POA. My BIL has access to her information over the internet as he was her primary care taker before he moved to China. I don't want to disconnect this as it would cause even more fury from his end. He has never married and has no children. He hasn't spoken to either of his brothers in over 2 years. I agree he has issues about control, guilt, and being the center of attention. He has been threatening to bankrupt us and put her doctor in prison. Even though he is a very intelligent person, he is not a rational person. He is firmly convinced we are trying to murder her for her money. Nothing anyone says or does will change his mind. My mother-in-law is very appreciative of all we do and is tortured by the fact her family is fighting. Her last wish (she has told us all hundreds of times) is for her family to all get along and support and take care of each other.
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Your BIL is expressing his helplessness in the situation by showing anger against those do see his mother. He is grieving before she passes. He knows she might die without him being there, and his guilt is being expressed. Don't let it bother you. You are doing a fabulous job.
My oldest sister did the same thing when our mother died. Mama had lymphoma (8 years), diabetes (27 years), one kidney, glaucoma(she was blind) and severe neuropathy. She had lost weight from a hefty 180 down to about 110 and was basically bed bound. Big sis was angry and threatening to sue the doctors, X-ray techs, nurses and hospital when Mama finally slipped into a coma while having yet another hopeless radiation treatment. We had a family meeting 3 days later and all agreed to disconnect, except for big sis. She then accused the rest of us of killing our own mother. She did go see several lawyers and none would take the case. She just had to handle it in her own way.
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jeannegibbs is right, anybody can sue anyone for anything. However, suing someone takes time and money. It's unlikely your brother-in-law will follow through with his threats. It sounds like he's just acting out. Maybe he can't face the fact that his mother is at the end of her life and has some guilt about being so far away and spending so little time with her, so he's taking it out on everyone else. Maybe he is the controlling type who is frustrated that he's too far away to take over the day-to-day decisions. Any way you slice it, it's his issue, not yours.
It's a shame that he's causing you concern at what is already a stressful time, but do your best to just let his ranting go in one ear and out the other.
If he were able to be objective, he'd see that the medical care of a 94 year-old should consist solely of making her as pain-free as possible.
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How is it that your BIL has access to medical information about his mother? Can you change that?
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Tell him if he can stop her from dying, then take over. Quarterback doctoring when someone not only lives in another time zone, plus is not a doctor is his denial his mother is dying. Stop talking to him. Get everything in writing about her prognosis, send it to him, and then stop worrying! His threats are just that. Let them go in one ear and out the other. If he thinks he can do a better job, come back from China and do it. Merry Christmas!
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It sounds like your brother-in-law needs a life. I hope that you have a medical POA. I would have one last conversation with him and let him know that you are taking care of your mother-in-law to the best of your ability and that you do not need any of his negative input nor his threats to sue from afar. If he doesn't have an audience, he'll stop performing. It sounds like he's all bark and no bite. Is this HIS mother? It's pretty hard to sue doctors and win over piddly stuff. Maybe they haven't learned that in China. Good luck, I pray your last days with your MIL are pleasant ones! Ignore him and continue taking care of your mother-in-law. It is stressful enough without obstacles. My dad is 94, also. Make your last days memorable ones.
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Do you have medical POA? If not get one. If you have one tell BIL to shut his trap!
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Why is a BIL so concerned? Is he married to your sister and speaking for her? If he is your husband's brother, how is he so involved?

As the others have already said in one way or another, don't let this stress you out. You are doing all you can do, and no one says it has to be "perfect" - well, they might, but that's their issue. ;-)

Validate his feelings of helplessness, and stay focused on your mother and your health & life.

Keep the faith. This, too, shall pass.
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people react differently to stress and anxiety. Sounds like your brother uses anger and threats to cover his own guilt and insecurities. Just disregard and/or validate his feelings of helplessness. That may calm him down.
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