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She remarried and they moved to his hometown with no family or friends. We (3 children take turns) going to visit. Her spouse was her caregiver in MS, but not he is getting Hospice and we relocated her to CA. Everyone works and we need to place her in a home. She says she needs to go back to take care of him. She wants to go back, get her car and take care of him.

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Dealing with a Dementia mother
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Try telling her the truth to start. If it's more than she can handle (makes her cry, etc) indulge in theraputic fibbing. Tell her he is out of the country (or visiting his kids or whatever) so she is visiting with you for now.
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some will say you should tell her others will say you shouldn't. I'm in a similar situation as you with my father but our mother is gone. However you think will spare her is what I think you should do. At this point in their lives and with an illness like Dementia it's like making them suffer if you keep having to repeat yourself.
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You might want to call your local area on aging, hospice or any other help you many find in your area and tell them what is going on. Maybe you could get some in home help which not only will save funds but let her still be part of the family.
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I feel bad for your mom. Not only did she lose the presence of the man that was taking care of her, but now she can't see him anymore. What a blow to her already delicate brain. Can you set up Skype possibly so she can interact with him where he is? Being cut off from him so abruptly must be awful, even if she does have dementia. If it were my mother, I'd be thinking outside the box in order for her to at least see him on a regular basis. Surely the people with hospice can hold up a laptop for them to see each other. It won't be like hands on for her, but maybe better then nothing. I feel for her.
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I also have the same situation and saw it hundreds of times at the daycare. I like that phrase "theraputic fibbing" as the daycare and alz association taught me that I had to lie to keep her happy. It ws fought but now it's the norm around here. In fact, I just told mom dads on the way home and she said "oh good" and started eating. We had a tougher time when she wasn't as forgetful but with time we can even now saw he is in the bathroom and she is ok. I used to have to say it several times, not anymore. She also sometimes thinks my husband is her husband , she gets so excited when he gets home and he kisses her and tells her he loves her and they Sit down to dinner. Sometimes she has her hand on his leg or holds his hand, it's wonderful. Good luck and remember whatever works to keep her happy, try it little by little.
Luvmom
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Luvmom, your husband is an angel! I love to hear about that kind of compassion.

Ptimmie, where is your Mothers husband at? Would it be possible for her to be able to be with him when he goes? This story is heartbreaking. Perhaps with some live in help they can be together for a little while. Do the Doctors know how much longer her husband has? Also how advanced is her AD? The answers to these questions would help me to give better advise.
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I too feel for her and her husband. I have taken care of Hospice patients. I can't imagine what he is thinking. He took care of her and now you whisk her away ? How sad. I'm sure he would feel very grateful if he could see her at least one more time. Even if she doesn't realize it. He may be dying but, sometimes their minds are sharp to the end. Don't you think you owe him for taking care of her ? He must have loved her to do this. I walk in to a patients house to help them go through the stages of their life ending. I always leave with my heart broke losing a friend. But, one thing I know is, their last days with me by their side was heaven.
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She may need to know that he is getting care right now. Any way they could converse over the phone or maybe get a pretty card for Husbands that she can sign and send to him. Thats a tough one. My mom also has dementia.This disease breaks my heart. I find myself missing my mom. The old mom. We live together also, and that adds alot of stress, but she is my mom. I considered AL, but I have decided to put that off until her disease is at point where its absolutely necessary. She is my mom. Drives me crazy, but I still love her, and know that I will take the best care of her until it's no longer in my hands. She raised 2 kids alone, with bad back, and I just can't leave her alone. One day I will look back and know I did the best thing for me,her, and the situation. Tough decisions are just that tough. They have to be made. I've learned its best to think things over for awhile before I make impulse decisions. Good Luck! Kellyb,
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I was wondering if it is possible for him to move to the same facility that you are having your mom move in to. If your mom has dementia, you need to remember that every time you tell her sad news, she will grieve-she will not remember it. Do you really want that for her? I am a clinical social worker and have my mom at a facility that I used to work at, prior to grad school. Recently, my mom asked whether I had heard from my (deceased) brother. I had to breathe a minute, before I told a little white lie. Knowing that it would be a new grief for her, I felt it more humane to divert the topic. Hope that helps! Take care! Lorraine
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My heart goes out to your mom, her husband, you and your siblings. You did the best you thought and were able to do. So if you have feelings of doubt and reprimand yourself, let it go and acknowledge that you did the best you knew how.
Although each situation is unique and I know little about yours, maybe my experience helps you in your decisions.

Once my husband developed ALZ, we sold the farm and moved from Central CA to AZ to be closer to family. The Arizona desert was alien to him and he felt threatened by it. He began to walk away from home, wanting to go back to Los Angeles, the LA of his youth and younger years. (As he progressed through ALZ, his memory of incidents and people ended somewhere in his 50s with little memory of events and people after that age). After a number of "escapes" and frequently asking to go "home", I took him to LA. The area he grew up in is now a dangerous, gang dominated area. He recognized a few places but of course most of it was very changed as were the looks of the people there. I then took him back to the farm and we stayed there for a few days. It had changed and he felt lost there, too. We then drove back to AZ and while he had seen the changes and all, a few days later, he started to walk off to go to the Los Angeles of his youth. He did not remember the recent trip.

What I'm saying is, that you can take mom to see her husband to assure her that he has the care he needs, but don't expect that your mom will be any less demanding about going back to MS after you are back home.
Yet, if her husband is still able to comprehend, it would be a great kindness if you could take your mom back to see him.
Best wishes to all of you.
Margarete
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Thats so sad. What a terrible place to be in right now especially since he's her other half and was her life until others stepped in to take care of the situation. There's got to be some way to make everyone happy even if it is a little trouble on your part especially since she's your Mother. One day your kids may have to face the same turmoil. I hope and pray not.
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Why not put her in the same care with her husband since your thinking about putting her in a Nursing Home anyway. They might as well be together in a nursing home even if he is on Hospice care. Doesn't that make sense??? Or better yet, since you want your Mother near, transfer him to California to a Nursing facililty there with her by his side. Just a thought.
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my mom, occ. talks as if dad was still here, once she remembered,and said "oh I forgot", I said mom its perfectually ok to talk of dad, at the time I was vacuming the floor, and I went by his chair, and said dad move your feet, like I had many times before, tell her the truth, facts as to why she can,t care for him physically,adopt other mesures of care, prayer chains, phone calls, letters. explain every thing concerning her, moves, after a stay in hospital, we moved mom to a rehab, home, but we constantly talk of coming back home, today she is 93. bless you and your not alone firstgirl
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This is so sad for both of them.
Skype is a great idea - at least to try. Then, you could monitor her reaction and see if that worsens her situation or makes her feel he's closer. Dementia has stages, so even if one approach works for awhile that may change. s
If seeing and hearing him is good for her and calming, then keep it up. If it distresses her, then you'll need to go to "therapeutic fibbing", as mentioned, and say that he'll be by as soon as he can.
Sadly, perhaps, but truthfully, since this is a later marriage, the time will come when she may forget him and start asking for her first husband!
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
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My father had ALZ, he was a walker walk for hours, his brain made him do this,before that he would always ask is Alison coming? over and over (his other daughter 4hrs away) I told white lies,she's coming next week,over and over, he never has a memory of it because she's standing in front of him and asks is Alison coming.what ever is in your gut is right.
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You didn't say if your mother has dementia. If that's the case, sometimes you have to "enter into their world" and for the moment tell her what will make her happy at that moment (it's a stalling technique).
If she doesn't have a dementia related illness, you can let her know you're working on a plan to have them together, if that's at all possible, to at least visit with each other and try to explain exactly what's going on and why you made the decision you did (whether she likes it or not). If it's for his safety and well being and in his best interest, she may understand. I would still do what you can to take her to visit him when possible.
Hope that
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SKYPE.. definitely!!!! :)
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I have had to deal with the "Where is my husband" or the "Have you seen my husband today" question...that is how I found this site...in desperate need of good advice. 1st: Be honest, but as stated above...you will infact have to repeat this several times- they just keep asking, thats just how it is. 2nd: you can try to distract if the honesty is making them re-live a death OR the truth puts them in a depressed state. 3rd: Alternate between 1&2 because this is never ending- the questions will be repeated as they are confused and lost in this world of Dementia! So- alternating...for me is what I do...If shes in a good mood- im honest and she may shed a tear or two but I remind her that he is in a better place. When she is having a bad day...I simply say "Im just not sure" and I quickly change the subject. SKYPE has been AMAZING for me to help grandma connect with her children. She doesnt remember names of her children but when she sees them, she knows they are someone in her life....so Visuals are obviously better than Mental in these cases! Skype is easy...email me if you need help setting it up.
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So sad. If she is going to have to go to NH anyway, it would be blessing if she could be in his NH or move him to hers. He loved her enough to take care of her and this would be good for him. Possibly it may even help her. At least she could "take care" of him in the NH. Maybe it will give her some peace. When his time comes you could move her closer to you (if she is in his NH at the time).
Best wishes.
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First of all, I'm not thinking that your mom has dementia. You didn't say she did, you just said she wanted to go back and take care of him. That sounds like something a wife would say about her husband. He was her caregiver, but if he is on Hospice care now and she is aware that he is dying, then it would make sense that she would feel she has something to offer him; sitting by his side, holding his hand, just letting him know that she is there and he is loved.

It sounds like you brought her to CA from Mississippi, because she needed care and he was too ill to give it to her. Unfortunately, you can't give her the care or companionship that he gave her and are presently looking to place her in a home.

You may have done the only thing that was possible, but this is a heartbreaking situation. Being separated from her husband may be more of a loss than you can appreciate. If he passed away tomorrow, would she believe you?

I don't know how long he has to live, but it might be a special gift if she could be with him in the last few weeks. If she is mentally capable of taking in the reality of his passing by physically being present, it might help her accept that he is gone. Otherwise, she may be wanting to go take care of him for years in the future.

It would be a kindness and a blessing for each of them if you, as her children, were able to do this for them.
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At first after my Dad died, we would gently remind her of his passing, but she just got so sad. And then we were incouraged to do the "Theraputic Fibbing"....so we just say, he's gone to WalMart, or the grocery...this seems to make her feel better, that he will return soon...however, 15 minutes later she will ask again. But when she talks about "Johnnie" coming home, we know she means he is coming home from the Store...but when she says "MY Johnnie" isn't coming back, we know she has remembered he is in heaven, and that's very sad.....but it doesn't last long...and then she's back to asking us were he is...so once again we start with the WalMart answer.
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I wish I could help you,but I really ain't sure of the right approach either. If it were me, I think I might explain that he needs special care right now and they can be together when he builds up the strength. Let her send him cards a few times a week and if he can't send them in return get someone to send them pretending they are coming from him. When I go out to get the mail, sometimes I put a card in with it that I wrote in and pretend they came for people she knew. She was hurtful to alot of people before she got dementia and they don't bother with her.I feel bad for her even though she brought it all on herself. One of the few things she does like is getting mail even though she really can't read it. She pretends she can or sometimes if she lets her guard down she admits to me she needs help reading it. I hope this might help. Give it a try . It CAN'T hurt anything....Love,Sherri
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Another difficult situation. I have clients who share a room in a long-term care. She is quite ill: on soft foods, vision issues, uses a walker. He has Alzheimer's and has his own issues. But they are in publicly supported LTC in Ontario. I made a video of this lady. She still writes poetry! She has many words of wisdom, being age 95.
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Mom isn't an idiot no matter what her health conditions may be. Gently but firmly explain that her spouses' health is so fragile that he's away for treatment, and that the separation isn't from lack of love but because of love, and that they will be together again. Just don't say when. Direct answers, as to a child's question, works best and can prompt more questions, but you only need to answer those that are truly about the 1 issue--why they aren't together right now.
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Try to seek in home care and your Mom can still play a vital role in your Dad's care with careful supervision from qualified, medical caregivers. Praying for you, Bonnie
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It kinda sounds like your Mom values being near her husband, more than [to her] to be visited more often by her kids.
It happens.
Sometimes, IF APPROPRIATE for both persons,
the 2 elders can share a room in a facility.
If they must be in separate rooms, then the reasons for having them in the same facility decrease in importance.
At some point, it no longer matters for them to be physically close to each other--it starts becoming a residual emotional state that the physical logistics overwhelm.
You said he is in hospice.
..that means he does not have much time left,
and intimates he is not a good candidate for sharing room with his wife
--but he MIGHT be, depending on the both of them and their needs.
We hospiced stepdad, along with Mom, in our very tiny 2nd bedroom, for 3 months til he died.
It worked for them.
But Mom was not "disabled" or in need of physical care--indeed, she preferred to be able to help her hubby with his needs.
There was no room for a hospital bed or hardly anything else but a potty chair. But it worked for them--it was actually larger than they had been living in.
A facility may or not allow her to room with him.
They would assess each of their cases, and their facility, to determine if it would work.
If that means they are far away from family, how does that work for you?
If it is OK, then might try it.
Otherwise, explane to Mom it simply will not work out.
She is likley to live longer than him and, how would she feel being far away, and family not able to visit her?
That's IF she has some ability to reason.
IF neither of them have enough rational capacity left, it might be kinder to make some plausible-sounding excuses.
You need to decide what the goals are
...keep her happy with her spouse for a couple months left, then she's alone far away?
...Or, determine that she might be happier with family to visit her, and stay where she is?
Gotta consider perspectives for all involved.
There may be cost-issues, too.
She might even be thinking that after he dies, she can return closer to home...which is not very reasonable nor rational.
I hope you find a good solution!
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Bill: I think you are talking to the wall here. The person who posted the initial question and started this thread has never responded to any of the suggestions given. If you look at the date of this thread and the original post, it is August 24, 2011. It's likely that the husband has passed on by now. By the way, MS is Mississippi. So the elderly married couple lived in Mississippi and when the husband became ill and on Hospice care, the kids moved mom to California.

Cattails
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My dad cared for his lady friend until she died. She died a protracted death; months and months of sleepless nights, extreme dementia in the end. Though three of her children live nearby, they were in and out a few of times a week until the very end. They rarely spent the night. What I'm leading up to is that your mom's husband is who you should be thinking about; particularly if your mom is at the stage where little white lies are enough. If her husband is still sharp, maybe he needs her presence at the end of his life (if she's capable of really being with him in any meaningful way). The children of my dad's girlfriend really have no idea the heartache, pain, frustration, and just plain hardwork he spared them. He developed shingles, lost 20 pounds and was always operating on 3 or 4 hours sleep. It would have killed him if, in his hour of need, her kids took her away to a nursing home several states away. You have to do what you have to do, but please find a way for him to interact with her.
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remember the marriage arrangement is from Jehovah God, the bible says...and the two shall become as one, let no one take apart (put asunder)
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